It is greed that causes man to act according to his wishes, and cowardice that causes man to act according to his fears.
But, "the highest form of intelligence is the ability to observe without evaluating" (Jiddu Krishnamurti). Until man learns this intelligence, he will never be capable of acting in accord with the true. Until man learns this ability, he will never be capable of exercising sound judgment.
It is imperative to right living that man clears the confusion from his mind. The proper way of living requires that man think and act in a strict progression. The natural state of the mind of man is confusion: we take in the facts while simultaneously thinking of what we would like them to be. This is not the proper way.
The proper way is strictly delineated. We cannot possibly understand the value and importance things hold for us until we see them for what they are. Evaluation must always, and only, proceed from observation.
Why doesn't this come naturally? In a word - attachment. It is because we desire things to be one way, or fear them to be another, that we are incapable of seeing things for what they are. We become personally invested in matters too quickly - indeed, almost immediately.
We must take reality in with detachment, seeing only what there is to be seen, and with a mind unclouded by fear and desire. Only then, armed with the powerful indifference that is the truth, can we act rightly.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
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I'm at the coffee house. I talked to this Mexican dude and told him my problems about us. I read him the lust entry about dantes inferno. And I finally understood what you said. It made my heart skip a beat. I'm glad there isn't a day you don't stop thinking about me. I know your writing about us. But it also leaves me with a feeling about why can't we be together if we love each other. Why can't you hear your heart? It's bc there are spells they did to you. Witches. I'm glad you think I'm perfect. I'm far from it. And I'm recuperating. And wilo of the wisp is my favorite character in the never ending story. How did you know? Why did you write this. It's heart breaking. What makes you think you can't have me. I'm always here waiting for you to end your voyage around the world and it never ends. You're always trying to find a reason not to love me. A reason to say your not good enough for me. Stop reading our history and read the future. I want a family and kids. My boyfriend isn't gonna give me that. Stop taking those fucking pills and be a man. Grow the fuck up with me.
You say you don't want to be with me bc we will end up breaking each other's heart and leaving one another like we always do. What if we drafted up guidelines and followed them. Like things were not supposed to do to each other so we don't end things. Bc I have a list and I'm sure you do too. I don't know why you wrote about me and run from me in the same stanza. Like what did I do to deserve this love and this undivided attention. What did I do to deserve you absence. It would be perfection if I could have you at my side. I would know I had true love if you were here with me. I never doubt your love, there isn't anyone I've known that has loved me as strongly as you have. It hurts to know how strong a connection we have and the distance we put each other through. I'm sorry we're so crass that we would rate at each other's heart. If it wasn't for one reason it was for another. What if we're afraid of true love. Like what if it's that intense that we don't want to touch reality. What if we're putting too much importance in how we love each other. And not being realistic. Like for one. Having children to take care of us when we get old. I don't want to be old. I also don't want to be with someone who doesn't know everything about me and still accepts me for it. I miss hat honesty in my life. I miss having someone who can read me without words. . I'm also tired of your depressing stories. Why can't you write short fiction about love and voyage and fantasy. You have such great vocabulary and grammar. You could make real money if you stopped writing about fictitious depression. I know you smile everyday you little son of a gun.
I don't want to hurt anyone. Least you. I know my boyfriend wouldn't get hurt bc if he would we would of been married or engaged. It doesn't happen bc he is paper thin and not deep set the way you and I are. I'm like a trophy gf.
Meaning if I broke up with him.
I know your mad bc you didn't get into the college you want. I know better than you. Get over it you fool. Enlist to finish college. Go to college and study soemthing that will make money. Don't waste your time. If you go now it will take like 2 years for you to finish and get a degree. Your worth more than some stupid bakery job. I don't want to see you all old and working so hard. Stop being a coward and go in full throttle. There are so many scholarships. And your credit is good I'm sure. You could go to a cal state and get a loan. Become soemthing. I want you to be comfortable when you get old. What if we end up together when we are old I don't want to be with a schmuck.
The worst thing you could have ever done is be transgender and gay. Like really there are so many females on this earth I'm sure one would have made you happy. Like your so handsome and so deserving of love. I know all men have homosexual tendencies but most don't act out of them for fear of not having a family. Also I don't know who hurt you so much that you had to run to this scene. It's really depressing that you did this and almost unforgivable knowing that you could love me and do this. It almost feels like a personal way to get back at me. It feels like your under a spell and possessed by demons. I don't know what you think you will gain by being with a man. When you get old Kelly if your not a top you could end up with a leaky butt. You could end up with a bag at the side of your stomach. If you are a top you could end up with aids or gonorreah or horrible illnesses. . Look in the mirror and do a pray to yourself to god. Ask him to help you get out of this lifestyle. I'm forgiving Kelly. I'm very forgiving. Ask god to open the door and to speak to you. So you know your going to hell. Like really my love your hurting yourself. Stop hurting yourself. You deserve a better life style. I know you pissed off all your gf bc you couldn't forget me or the love we shared. And in that they could have written many spells to hurt you back. Woman are callous my love. Protect yourself. Ask god to protect you and to guard your heart and your body. Remeber how happy I make you. Remember how we felt for each other. You won't find that next to a man. You can only hide your feelings behind a man. Stop trying to hurt yourself. Stop punishing yourself.
I'm enjoying grapes and a fruit pie my teacher gave. He's super nice. When I'm done with school and state board exsam I will be making about 40,000 a year. A big chuck will not get taxed. They say you make more money in other states bc there are too many nail techs in California. I will pay for college with that money. Either fashion design or accounting. I will see by then.
It's hard to stomach the truth. It's hard to stomach that you would end up with a guy at your side. I didn't like your Gf bc they were weirdos but I never thought you would strive to go with a man. I don't understand if it was a coincidence or if you really read my messages when I told you to break up with that witch.
I miss your hugs. They make my heart race a million miles per minute. There isn't a day that I don't stop thinking about you. It's maddening. Even when I don't write. I have to keep my feelings all bottled up and it hurts. I think that's how I lost my mind. You became gay and I lost my mind. I wonder if you were to come back would I recuperate my Health. I'm sorry I'm so uninteresting and don't have anything more nice to say but you know I'm blunt.
I don't know if you mean I'm the fairy that's why I wasn't sure if you wrote about me. If it is I don't know how I am a fairy. But I know it must be me bc of the references to the two books. And I remember how in love you were with my eyes. I don't know what makes them special but I love your eyes. They're the most beautiful eyes ever. You have eyes that look like a Cheshire Cat. You have a tall stance that I love bc you can instill fear in anyone with your tall stature. I miss having you next to be like a scare crow. I want you to be rich. I want you to go to college and make decent money. I want to travel with you. I imagine a day when you could take me shopping and buy me pretty things. I know you love me and would do such a thing. I don't know why you did this. I don't know why but it hurts.
When I find new writing I'm almost so excited that I cannot understand one word but now since that emotion has left I'm reading. I'm reading about how depressed you were and how your alone. I'm reading how alone you felt in China. I'm reading about how you love me and how you cannot get me back.
My friend said you would come back and we would end up in China. I didn't believe her. She said it would happen and told me to send her a silk scarf from China. I'm still reading. I'm gonna read more.
You want to know how I felt. I used to cry every night and cry myself to sleep. No one would comfort my weeping. It wasn't till you came to see me when you came back from China that my weeping ended. It was after that when I started hearing your voice and you started living inside my soul and you would talk to me endlessly. You saved my life bc the day you choose to see me was the day I was gonna end my own. You talk about being sad and having a big void. I don't believe it. It's almost fictional to me but my sadness was real. Very real. You talk about losing me and not being able to have me. You never lost me. I'm always with you. And after all the weeping there has never been a day that you leave my side. It's like having a ghost haunt me. And it's the only comfort I get from being sad. I got so depressed that I got really sick. I got so sick I almost thought I was gonna die. Weird things happened to me. I hate that you don't ask for my number or even leave your. I know your friend is a moderator and that makes me think you may be dead but my hearts of hearts knows your still alive. With your life being present there is hope inside me. The hope for a future with you. A place where I can guide you and walk you out of consumption of drugs and misery. You deserve happiness and giggles. You deserve to be happy. I hate it I hate it I hate how depressing your writing is. I hate how you started taking hormones to disguise your depression. You don't need woman's hormones to be happy my love. Your skinny. You don't get enough nutrition. You lack vitamins and sun bc you don't have a tan. Vitamin d plays a big role. When I lived in MDR. I ran from my depression by rollerblading 4 hours a day. I got so tan. If I didn't get sun I would get depressed and it wouldn't leave me. Your absence made me really depressed. And the unrelenting reality of how empty my life was. I missed all your love bc when you were with me you gave me all your love. You cracked my heart open and filled it with virtues and love and happiness. I miss you. Im going to school for my children. I don't know who will end up with me but I want my children to be spoiled. I'm going to school so that maybe I will be more interesting to you. But in my hearts of hearts I want to be a stay at home mom. I'm old now. I don't have many years to have a child.
I know your alive I saw the obituaries. If I had money I would go look for you and rescue you. If you would tell me to leave I would run. When I had money I didn't look for you bc I didn't want to be a stalker. I always assume you think the worst of me. I always assumed you didn't love me not even a drop or an ounce. But when I have money and if I can muster up the courage. I will rent a car and go find you. I know your broken inside and out. With time everything can heal. You will get healed. I'm not gonna let you drown in drugs or pills or sorrow. You may smile outside but I know your proposed new happiness is fake my love.
It's hard to think that I'm going to be nail technician.
One night when I thought I being psychically attacked. I opened up the book you gave me and left it in the room. This is when they were giving me doses that I did protest. It helped me to have the book opened. In an instant all the bad vibes were taken out of the room. I don't know how it worked but I knew you gave me the book with love so I wanted to attack all the negativity with it. I haven't shut the book and it's been left open for about a year or so.
I looked at your jobs social media. I think they have two pictures of you. You looked tired in both. In one you look like a super old guy and in the other one you look super cute. I'm sure it's you. It made me Gaga. Your so fucking handsome. I miss you. Sometimes I forget why I go so crazy about you. You're just like the hottest guy I've ever laid eyes on. I miss that look you give after kissing me. With your mouth open or when your tired. It's so fucking cute and handsome. I'm gonna go look for you. If you want you can kill me. Get the gun ready bc I'm gonna save all my pennies to go see you.
You have these buddy holly glasses. You must look super cute by profile with them on. Im glad you got over your love of new frames. You have one of those faces that looks great with vintage. I'm so glad the picture that's up is the expression I love the most with your mouth open. My heart started racing. It felt nice to feel my pulse. It looks like you have a tattoo. Bad Kelly. Bad Kelly. I can't believe you got a tattoo. I bet the witches made you get one. You never wanted a tattoo in the old days. I'm surprised you got one.
In one of them you have grey hair. Your almost unrecognizable. I can't believe you have so many grey hairs. It's so scary to see you this old. I never thought I'd see grey hair on you. I always have a picture of you in my head like the first time we met. I don't ever go past that day even when you change. I like feeling what I felt when I met you.
Well if it gets really bad you can always dye your hair.
I'm scared of Nikky using my body for witchcraft for orgasm or something. She likes forced me to kiss her when I was young. And I don't want her near me. I feel spiritually attacked by her many times. I want her off of my body. Her and her terrible turtles. And all the animals she uses against me. Pray for me. Also pray for my lower back it hurts. I'm crying. My mom kicked me there like 2 years ago and the pain won't leave my coccyx. It hurts. I felt like a demon was in the bathroom with me and then I felt like Nikky was talking to me. Then it felt like someone was sticking something up my ass it's scary. Take Nikky off my lips. I'm tired of her intruding in my life as if she was my boyfriend. She's a woman. I'm not a lesbian.
I was looking at the prices for the airfare and it's only 150 for round trip. Another place doesn't charge for the airfare but only a the hotel. Then the Amtrak is the most expensive. It cost 130 one way. Or I could rent a car and sleep in the car. I looked today but frankly the thought of looking for you scares me a little. I want to do it bc I'm worried about you and I miss you. At least now I know how expensive it will be. Also I don't want to go alone. If I go I will take one of my friends with me bc it's a very horrid thing I'm doing. If I'm gonna get into trouble I might as well bring a friend. That means I'll probably have to rent a car. My friend wanted to go see you like a year ago but she never took me. It was making me mad. I think now maybe she will budge. If I go it will be after my graduation at school. It's also exciting to think that I will see you again. If you were capable of writing that part for me I don't know why you would say no to spending a day with me. But also I don't know. Who the hell knows what kind of shape your in. Also I hate having to be the one looking for you. I would have preferred that you came looking for me than write me that portion. Also I think you did come look for me once bc I found a letter with a flower on my doorstep with your handwriting. It was an ugly yellowish plastic flower with a rainbow card.
It will be fun even if I don't find you or you end up mad and storming off. I'll go to the glass beach that has sand of tiny glass granules. I'll get to see the beauty of the open road up to Oregon. I'll get to see pretty trees. I'm sure I'll have some yummy pasteries at you coffee house. They look awfully delicious. Like really I can't wait to try the pie. But then again it might be safer to fly there. If I fly there I will still have fun and I'm gonna make a vacation out of it. The last vacation I had was to massachusettes like 10 months ago or so. When I go up there I'm gonna breath in the fresh air. And hopefully I get a hug from my old friend that is being a serious jerk by not writing back but it's ok. I'm gonna soften that hard block in your chest when you see me cute in a dress with my pretty hair down. Hopefully a whole lot thinner. I'm gonna be very rough on myself this month so I don't scare you with all my fat ass. I'm excited. I'm gonna talk myself into looking for you. If you do end up being nice to me. I'm gonna ask you for a piggie back ride and for you to twirl me around with you arms like you used to many years ago.
I'm gonna start fasting tomorrow and walking. I weight too much. It sounds horrible but there is no other way I can lose that much weight in such a short time. I'm gonna save all the money from lunch and from cigarettes to afford the trip. I have no clue how much I will lose but last time I lost like 100 lbs in one month by excercising 4 hours a day and being vegetarian. I want to be skinny when I see you. I don't want to look like a glutton. You motivated me last time to lose weight and maybe you were not in the country but you did. I wanted to look pretty for you. I'm gonna lose weight this time and hopefully you will see me. If we don't talk at least I'll have a nice trip with my friend and I'll be skinny again.
I went to the gym today. I'm so sore and tired. I went for a hour. Tomorrow I'm gonna start my fast. I'm gonna work it up to going to the gym for. 4 hours. I miss you. I'm gonna look super hot when you see me. You won't even recognize me which is better . I'm excited to go see you. I messaged my old friend. I stood her up at the movies once and she hasn't spoken to me. Pray for her to write me back or call me. Please. I miss her guts like hell. You met her once. It was at her house. She was my best friend. Let's break the separation spell between me and my best friend.
I asked god for a dream to know if it was ok to go see you. So I slept in the day time and I dreamed about you. We hung out and you asked me a question and I answered. And it was a weird question. You seemed protective in the dream and worried. It wasn't that important but at least we were hanging out. I don't know what that means but it's a dream none the less. I'm scared of not smoking cigarettes but I'm gonna do it for us. I miss hanging out with you and I'm gonna save the money. I'm also scared of not finding someone to go with me. I messaged my friend and lately she had been taking too long to respond. I haven't asked her yet but when she gets back to me I will ask her. I could go alone but I'm scared to travel alone and especially to go see you uninvited. I can imagine that I won't feel so nice if you still decide not to talk to me. But it will be like tomorrow and for real tomorrow I'm not gonna eat. I'm gonna lose this fat and look super beautiful. And it's gonna be hard but I'm gonna do it.
I've been talking to you in spirit. You asked me questions and I had to answer. Also last night you told me to sleep with pants on. So I did. But I didn't use strong pants. Now here. Today I woke up and my whole bottom hurt all day. Ok. So now I went to the monster Gucci model and asked him you can't be raping me while I sleep. And he said it's the most fun when you least expect it. He also said something in response to asking him if he farted. He said yes. And I said my fingers smelled like it. He said its bc your fingering you ass. Ok. He was half asleep talking to me. I'm really angry and I ant stop being angry. I wearing pants and a scarf as a belt bc I can't find my belt. But how salty I'm sick of being used this way. I want my freedom.
I've been looking at Gucci purses online. I have a current one a replication. And you told me to look at the clothing so I did.
Pray for the demons to leave my apartment and that monster. I'm sick of them hurting me.
I want people to get that these stories are not for you to interpret. They're a little poetry me and jelly have going on. Stop being noisie.
Basically you reviewed something to me. Starting last night. You said to sleep with pants on so that I wouldn't be touched. And I got touched. So now I spoke to him while he was sleeping and he answered like a evil being. Like really I'm sick of this nonsense. I'm gonna protect myself from now on. I'm gonna wear pants before going to sleep with a tight waist. And a belt on. I bet this is why I keep getting dumber and sicker.
Last night I was half asleep and I woke up. I saw the satanic pentagram and a goat I between it. I got scared and prayed. I also saw a bunch of carvings around the the door frame. I've seen those carvings before. It feel like a slasher film where there is a demon carving up the house. Pray for me. I don't know what it means or why it happens. I just know it's super scary.
I had a dream with you it was super fun. Me my parents were at a Japanese restaurant eating in London. You were upstairs. So I went to get you and we went out walking. Then melody came and we were waiting for my dads friend. He came and picked us up. There were lots of people talking crap about us but we went home. He brought us a bunch of food. Like a soda and a cake. He looked young. Then you me and melody went driving. You were showing me the map and telling me to remember it so we could get out of getting in trouble. Melody lots it but basically you wanted me to learnt the way out of China. Melody got scared and asked me to drive bc she didn't want to drive back to get the map. So I went in front and drove back. In part of the dream there were red roses and you were holding me. We were a couple. You were holding a comic book. It was a fun dream.
I also dreamed about you yesterday but I don't remember.
Also in the dream you injected yourself to go to sleep. It was weird
I found another cure to being fat. Tamarindo water. I bought some pods rwo days ago after not having it in more than 10 years. So it gives you severe diarrhea if you drink a lot of it. Thats how it helps you loose weight and also breaks down fat with a chemical. Im gonna drink this stuff everyday till im skinny again. Im so happy. When i was a little girl it was my favorite tamarindo candy. Go to a mexican store and go buy some you will love it. Its like lemon but sweet. Mm
Ive been hanging out with my mom for the past few months and i seem to have less worry than ive ever had bc i graduated from school. Sometimes it hurts to forget you like a stab to the heart, but then others i get sick and i know i miss you. My ribs hurt a lot from a woman hitting me. Im planning on suing the woman but i dont know how much of it would be taken into account.
Your face gives me a fresh breath of air and then my hearts starts pumping.
Im at the casino. I know you can see me and know what i do. Im not gonna lie about anything but im gonna try and be a woman that doesnt care.
you have arthur millers smile and my name is marilyn. lol compare your bejing blog picture to arthur millers smile. my hair is really long now. are you bored of life bc if you are than it would be a good time to visit me your first true love fresh out of high school. lol
marilyn monROE DIED in the late 60's. my first car was a 1973 corolla. we met in 2007. He died in 2005. How did you manage to live two lives at the same time. Huh?????
Arthur Miller is a play write. he also wrote a book called the crucible, its a book about witches uniting in the wildness. ha hunmbug. your my ex husband. and I'm sick of breaking up with you. if you don't marry me than we wont see each other in the next life. I'm gonna miss you. you should be done with everything by now.
or what if im inge morath the second wife.
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