Monday, January 31, 2011
Do Unto Others
Although the rule is called "golden", every time I hear it I hear it differently. It is easy to agree with something that is stated vaguely. You agree with whatever you would like to have heard.
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«Oldest ‹Older 401 – 600 of 610 Newer› Newest»I don't get to be in a room with you all the time bc I have to hear that person I told you about once tell me to take off my close in a demonic tone. I don't hear them all the time but that person sends me really bad energy. Summer and I used to fuck him up if he spoiled our day to day activity. But we couldn't fuck up the witch that is with john Paul. She is a constant Strain on everything I do to be happy with whatever gods light gave me. That's why I sound crazy to melody bc she doesn't believe I'm pretty enough to start a war like Helen of Troy. She thinks I m this ugly woman and that I wouldn't stand a chance next to anyone. She thinks I'm homely. When In fact im super sexy and I'm not the most weak feminine things. Like melody doesn't understand what men feel when they hold me bc I'm a little rough on the edges. Im not like the most expensive porcelain doll. Im more refined in so many aspects.
I'm sorry no one ever says it but honestly I think I'm as sexy as some me. Like I look a little manly. I hope there are more of me in the future bc I hardly never see someone that looks like me. If there were I think we could save society from homosexuality. Bc honestly I'm super sexy. I'm not being vain in the least bit. It's just that I'm sick of people being envious of my beauty and the handsome men I attract. I don't attract homosexuals but if I wanted to I could pick them up and turn them straight. Do you get what I mean. I'm trying to say that homosexuals don't want to be gay. When they meet me they want to leave that life behind. That how feminine or manly I am. It's crazy.
I look like this bc I'm over weight. Basically johns gf the witch did a spell so I wouldn't never get my feminine contour back. I miss it like crazy bc I really could use it to my advantage without having to think much. Now I have to think too much to get anything done. I miss how men and woman would just do everything I wanted and needed. It was almost a little annoying how many glares I got. I got as many glares as being the dumb pretty blonde in class that everyone can't stop staring at. I miss my beauty. I want to stop looking so handsome and I want to be sexy like the old days. This time around I want to wear papaya clothes and scanky and sexy. Like those short shorts with the roses and all those cute tops at papaya. When I could fit into those clothes back then I would wear like the most formal clothings. And like snow region clothing like woolen skirts and crazy ensembles. I wish I had a boyfriend that would want me all sexy like that again. And would
Buyme that cheap papya clothing line clothes. Like I would relish in the fact that I could see my legs exposed and mid drift. I hate how fat I am. I've been in this place forever and I never got to dress all slutty. I thought my boyfriend would relish in that too. Guess what he wants me fat and he not into that papya clothing that I always wish I could fit into. I thought I would get to be sexy by this age. It ain't happening. I like causing attention but this time I want to make sure that it's papya cuteness. I've always been a nudist with my friends that's why. I was just to nice before to ever want to expose my
Body.
It's not expensive to be papya size. I just have to starve myself but when I do they start saying that something is wrong with me and that I'm crazy. And when they see me enjoying food they say I'm crazy fat ass. If I stopped eating to be papya size I would be stopped. They always give me the most exquisite food and I'm miserable. I want to be in papya clothes and I want pictures taken. I want to skip and walk at at mall all day in my skinny body. I want to see people smile as they watch me walk by. I like papya bc it's shabby chic puta style clothing. It's cheap too. It's not like the expensive shit I like wearing. Like I want to wear short shorts from papya and just spread my legs open and blended. Maybe that's how crazy I'm not and I don't get why no one sees that about me. Well at least I'm doing it in my head. I get happy just thinking that we could be friends and I wearing papya and you twirling me around with your huge arms. It would be so much fun. And you would be like she's so dumb but at least she is cute and happy. Maybe the psych ward made her dumb but at least she can walk eat drink and wipe her ass. Like she remembers how to do the basic things. Maybe I would even be lucky enough of dying of lukemia. I would be weak laying in your arms and then I wouldn't die. See how fun it would be not to be rich. I know I'm old but I don't care I still look like a teenager. So maybe I Willa
Achieve the skinny puta look. Maybe I still have time. The clothes are super cute. You should look up papya. It's a store not a brand. And everything is like 10-20 dollars or so.
You know how you communicate with me in the head like some x men genius. My boyfriend used to do that with me but now he is in communication with like three other people always. My sixth sense tells me. And I'm the old days he used to repair the Brain damage I had from the psych ward. Then one day it just stopped. Like someone did a spell on us and he's always somewhere else. I hate it. Bc to this day you don't leave me alone. I'm scared bc I don't know
who controls my boyfriend but he isn't gonna marry me bc they won't give him his freedoms of will back. And now it's like they force him to stuff pills down my throat. He used to be really happy with me being skinny but then he wanted me fat. Like I don't know I just miss being with him like really being with him.
So now. I'm just gonna meditate on being emaciated skinny. And being able to wear papya and finding a new boyfriend unless he stops sending me the psych ward. I'm gonna keep hoping I find someone who wants a papya wearing bimbo. Like I'm sick of being miss conservative. I think my boyfriend left my brain when I started traveling. That's when he left my brain. And I still don't understand why he's never happy for me for traveling. I'm sad bc I don't have someone to twirl me around and someone that lets me be papya girl. Like super slutty girl. I don't care about all the crap I wanted before. I at least want to be anemic slutty papya girl. And able to write with my Down syndrome brain from the psych ward. Like they need to stop lowering my IQ.
You want to know how I got skinny a long time ago. It was with many sex position and a really small dick. It's was the most fun time of my life bc I was loved so much that he let me be the envy of Everyman and woman. You need a small dick to lose weight. Like I don't know how to say this but I'm writing so that the posterity will be aware of the types. I know I sound so crass and also you must know that I was dated raped. Like never in my mind did I ever want to venture into that realm but I was the happiest I ever was bc I was papya size. I want to go out with a small dick ever since he left me but I'm scared to bc they're psycho. Like capable of murder and they're really horny bastards. And they take adavantage and rape you. Then they Brian wash you and tell you that's true love.
No one knows how much fun it was getting raped bc all I would do is cry everyday it happened. I loved crying. I don't even know why it was fun to get raped but it just was. It sure is more fun than being forced to go to the psych ward. I miss how overprotective he was about me. He really was obssessed with me wearing covered up clothing. He would never let me wear papya and I didn't care. I just hated him bc he started raping me. I was so happy with him for so many years until he started raping me. I used to cry bc of how small his dick was bc I was scared he was gonna hurt me. But he was happy with me. He left me bc I didn't have porn star boobs. And witchcraft. When I lost my papya size I went nuts. He try's to get back with me every so often but I won't go back bc I'm honestly scared of him. I just missed being raped and being papya size. Maybe it was nice being raped bc I didn't have to make a decision of sin. Like I don't know but it was really aggressive and passionate rape. That's why I'm demented. I'm writing this just in case I forget what my life was like. I want to remember. And I also want to say small guys with small dicks and huge trucks are awesome. Like why don't they stop making fun of men? I hate how they keep making fun of men.
I always wanted to write a book about sex and it's hard bc I'm a woman. But I have so many things I wish young kids could understand. I don't know how many people make fun of people with small dicks like my ex but if your a real woman you won't laugh or a real man. I always wished that the man that raped me would finally marry me but he never did. I was even more Marose that he didn't marry me after raping me. All bc someone told him I had an affair with someone else and he believed it bc he had the smallest penis. Like they would laugh at him. And I hate how he never saw how I always cried and how I told him let's stop having sex were not married. I would cry every freaking time. You know what's funny he has two kids now and he still isn't married. Like why are men so cruel. And I know he don't rape hate bitch bc she's one horny bitch that doesn't care about marriage or dignity. She basically trapped a man. I bet he misses my papya body. I don't miss him. I just miss being skinny.
I can't stop laughing. My best friend bought me a Kama sutra book for my birthday and I started crying. Like she gave it to my boyfriend and made him try every sex position possible. I kept trying to tell him to stop and I succeeded many times. I could leave him bc I loved him and bc he was my rapist. I was like if I leave my rapist I'll never get married. The rapist is bound to want to get married once. He used to talk down to me and talk about how ugly I was like a man right before he raped me. Then after he would tell me I was the prettiest woman he ever saw. I never reported him bc he would take me to church on his bike and ride me while I sat in the front. I Thought it was normal to get raped and that eventually marriage happened. The Bible says that if you rape a woman you have to marry her. I think that's what I read.
He was hot too. Like the hottest guy anywhere. Everyone thought he was my husband. I just kept day dreaming about walking down the big church asile he would take me to. The rapist is still not married. Like why? Oh and the woman is super fat. Like does he fuck her boobs. They must not have regular sex bc she fat. Or does gen fuck her ass. Is he gay now bc he doesn't have me. Like I don't know.
Maybe they don't have sex. I don't know. Bc when the rapist was with me I was papaya girl. One day one day I will be papya girl again. I miss laughing nervously. It's not fun being raped.
I'm super bored and just want to write fiction. It's fun. I worry to much when I write so I'm practicing here so I get over stage fright.
There is a demon that follows my ex friend. I swear she is a witch. Where ever she goes she leaves demons that disturb the house they make noises like hitting the ground and the floor. They make noises and do creepy things. And they talk. I hate the place I live now bc there isn't any peace. Even my boyfriend hates it here and he don't talk about the creepy shit. But I'm not crazy bc he asked me one day if I heard the noise and I said no but I did. I don't know what's going on but maybe she a did a spell to send me to the psych ward. Maybe she is the one who did the spell with the original rapist. She always keeps tabs on me even when I didn't know her. It's creepy
She found out about the surfer dude who had a crush on me and even saw him. He was normal man. Like did she do a spell so he would kill himself. Bc it seems like all she wants is to hurt everyone I love. She was envious of my sister and her millionaire jerk boyfriend and he broke up with her. She told me she would fuck my sister up bc how rude she was. I'm sick of witches. My sister isn't ok. Since that bitch hurt me I've been scared bc she told me that I would see Kelly again. I didn't believe her. But then there comes a demon that pretends to be you and I'm sick of how it disturbs me. I didn't tell anyone about it.
Ahhhhh I'm scared today. I can't stop hearing voices. It's only when I'm alone. Is it a coping mechanism. Is it demons. Is it bc I'm lonely. Is it bc the psych drugs ruined my kind. Am I ever gonna be able to be happy. Is it bc my house got visited by a witch bc it started happening after she came to my house. Like when is this gonna end. Is it bc the doctor says I'm crazy that I can hear them. I basically never led anyone to believe I hear voices but somehow they have that on paper. So I know my sister must of planned it all out. I can't wait till I just start doing and ignoring. Jesus please protect me and take all the demons out of my life. Let me have some peace. I'm super tired. Help me find the light and help me find my dignity bc I can't find it or see it or feel it. It's been gone for way too many years and however I play it I can't hold it.
John 3 16.
1 Corinthians 13.
Why doesn't the Bible tell us how to excercise demons? Or how to vanish them from a house? Like all I know is Jesus moved demons into pigs and they fell off a clif. Creepy part the witch has bunch of toy pigs. Like does she ask for demons and then have them do her duty by disturbing people mentally. Maybe one day I will learn how to get rid of demons. My church says to read the Bible and do as it says. But they don't ever talk about how to expels demons. Like why not. In the Bible it talks about how someone was possessed for a very long time. Jesus saved them.
Like honestly it feels like Jesus is the only one that takes demons away. So like what do we do now? I'm
Scared bc they hurt everyone around me and make them act viscous and crazy.
She loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah
She loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah
She loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah
You think you've lost your love
Well, I saw her yesterday-yi-yay
It's you she's thinking of
And she told me what to say-yi-yay
She says she loves you
And you know that can't be bad
Yes, she loves you
And you know you should be glad
She said you hurt her so
She almost lost her mind
And now she says she knows
You're not the hurting kind
She says she loves you
And you know that can't be bad
Yes, she loves you
And you know you should be glad
Oo, she loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah
She loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah
With a love like that
You know you should be glad
You know it's up to you
I think it's only fair
Pride can hurt you too
Apologize to her
I don't even know how I fight the demons off from the witches or fight off the witches. I'm so tired and to be honest I can tell you I like talking to you bc you never judged my voice and always leave a room of comfort where you say I can say anything. You never get angry and you love listening to me. To be honest it's sad how many people have hushed me and have made back handed comments like it's all my fault. I hate how people are so deconstructive. I'm also waiting for the time you pick up your corduroy jacket and take me swing dancing. And tell me to shut up bc you know I never said anything. Like I'm silent always so silent that no one ever passes a judgment. And like for once you will wear the cute pink dress shirt and remember smiling at me whilst you wore it. I miss your bones. I miss your bones. You have the biggest bones that have ever protected me. I don't miss this silence. It's not cute how you write to me in blog form and want me to play the interpreter.
I wish I could feel your aura I miss feeling you near me. I don't miss how silent you are. I don't miss how silent you are. I don't ever miss the silence. Your so plain I bet your life is boring and as stale at the bread drying out on a table. Just like mine isn't. I wish we could trade positions so that I wouldn't have to deal with all the demons and goblins. You always have it so stable. I am so crazy on paper but so not
To be honest it would be cool to study the Kama sutra again but a lady never asks for that unless it is like a right of path that is presented.
I'm paying you back for making me cry make lie down make me give up and then go home.
When I had to read about how you were fucking someone else and how you wanted to humiliate me by making it super loud all over the Internet.
I'm paying you back for making me cry make lie down make me give up and then go home.
I'm obscene and obscure. I ring and I ding. And I had to tear my eyes out right out of sockets and do the things I never thought were doable.
I cried every night I had to plan my future over night. Like over fucking night I planned my whole future and in a matter of weeks everything unfolded for me.
I never thought you would continue writing to me or even after you kept fucking and fucking and fucking come back to me. My mind grew insane.
I did everything to tear you out of my chest my cheeks my nose my finger my feet. My steps my hair. It hurt everyday I didn't get to giggle in your presence. Every damn day every damn day you go out and find a new gf and then come back. And you keep asking did you leave him. Did you leave him. Did you leave him.
I hate you. I hate you for fucking someone else and not letting me giggle again. I feel dirty everyday I have to figure out how I will survive. I hate how you don't even understand that I'm like in the open relationship. And I'm not scared. I'm not scared. I'm. It scared. I'm. It scared. I'm angry at you for everything you did after everything you did. After everything you did my heart is acheing. It hurts bc you won't even give me special recognition as your friend. Like I can't believe it hurts so bad that you can't talk to me. I never cheated or did some public scene of dislocating your ego like all the other whores you've dated. I'm scared bc each one was a witch and witches are whores and whores are witches. I never got to tell you wishes love and respects goodbye tenderly bye. Like it's always rape rape rape rape my eyes cross my fingers hope to die.
Melody and Alex kept saying that I would end up like Alex's step mom in a permanent rest home. THey kept fucking with me so much I thought it was a joke but it wasnt.
I'm not ok today. I can't have a boyfriend tell me I'm crazy anymore. I'm actually feeling really empty and grossed out by sex and humanity. When I talk to you I get to cleansed how beastly every man is and I don't know what it is about you that helps me relax. But I have to pretend it's the first few dates to forget how messed up you end up being with me. You're super mean to me and it is like you get off it. Like it makes you super horny to be mean to me. It's like a practiced art and who told you were ugly and smelly or whatever else that you started dating men over night. Like honestly dude I'm not ok in the head knowing that your not talking to me. I can see how easily it is to lose yourself. I try to grab on to reality as much as possible. I don't know why you don't know what I feel. It feels like someone punched me in the gut when I found out you were dating a guy. I was punched in the gut. And I hated how everyone around you Salutes you even your dirty whore girlfriends. It's like no one had a heart when they saw the I want kids box checked to I want to have Sex with a man checked out. Who's fucking with your mind. Meditate. Your are such a strong mind. Meditate and find out who is fucking your mind. Cuz I'm not. I was waiting to see a bundle of joy with a normal woman. Instead it's crazy witches talking about witchcraft and immature bullshit.
You know how fucked up the pills they gave me are. The pills make me have breast milk. That's how crazy these pills are. I was lacerating bc of the psych pills. Like I'm tired of my life. I'm tired of my life. I'm tired. I'm really freaking tired.
I'm not happy bc I wasn't virgin. I wasn't a virgin in the flesh. I'm the flesh not a virgin. And as hard as I try to figure out what's wrong with me I know that nothing more is more concise than knowing I am not virgin. That it hurts to know that if I was a virgin I would have been married when I was 19 or 18 bc john wanted a virgin. He wouldn't marry me bc I wasn't a virgin. The fact that I never had children never matter to him. It's the cherry he wanted and I never had that. The fact that my parents never respected my Christianity and how my religio wouldn't baptize me bc they smiled erked me more than anything. John Paul broke my heart when he asked me to have sex with him bc I wanted to make God happy. He made me into the cheapest dish on the table. It's the one with society ganawing at your back and all around. The one that says you cannot ever talk to my son your ditt slut you lying piece of hair you were never raped! Even my mom and dad say that they still say I was molested. I went insane for a long time. My mom didn't even let me finish school bc I was not a virgin anymore meaning she vanishes me from the room when the virgin walks in. If someone wants something she asks me to do everything like the house servant. The
Virgin sits like royalty in every respect.
No one is ever gonna get married to me bc I'm not a virgin plus I'm not pretty. Only pretty whores get married thathow lucky they are.
My mothers children were not raised with manners. I fear my sister's children's children. Her children don't like me they stopped being Christian I can see them attacking me when I'm elderly and alone. I get scared of them. It feels real lonely how they don't love me or want to be near me.
When I look at the Place you work at it makes me feel like it's not real and that it's a ghost town. Like it looks creepy like the place I grew up at. I'm so intrigued to meet you again bc you always repair my body. Like you have the gift of healing and I don't know how to get the courage to not abuse you and say sorry. And maybe get to keep your company bc I know how sensitive you are and I'm always beastly to you. I scared that I'll go up there and then find the town empty like calico or maybe full of demon people. I'm having trouble with allergies. I asked my boyfriend why he leaves me in my head alone and why he doesn't give me the fresh de aire. He says he's afraid I will take all his energy and that he is a weak old man. So basically he says he needs to stay alive to take care of me. But it feels like he eats my youth. It's scary, my skin get so dry when he doesn't give me that youth de air. I like airing out bc if I don't I will feel like I was never alive.
Thanks for letting me scream out shout out say something bc I need to express myself. I don't like being silent like you do. I know you love silence but I don't. I love speaking. I really love speaking.
I love my boyfriend but I think someone attacks him and it's not you or me. It's like my society really fucked him over and they don't respect his boundaries and I have to work hard for him not to step mine. Like dear go take your pills. He hates saying it.
Did you know that certain pills I had made my vagina loose. If I don't tell you who else can I tell everyone else will say I'm making this shit up. It wasn't like my brain doesn't function anymore and cannot move the muscles. It was like crystal meth in my pussy.
Fresh de air isn't sex it's like this exchange of energy it's like invigorating and something people do often but not in O Sii. Everyone here doesn't exchange fresh de air. The energy fields are so warped that when you walk your wondering who is gonna pass out first or who is gonna attack who. I realized that I went crazy bc I don't get the fresh de air meaning a little paranoid if I was alone. I miss feeling this fresh de air. Hes afraid that all the wacko things I talked about like Santeria is gonna kill him. I don't talk about it with him but it's scary. He notices the creepy noises the creepy energy fields the fact that when we are all fresh de air everyone comes after me to attack me. MYne he's afraid he will die for reals bc of how they want my fresh de air. He's doesn't know that somehow my fresh de air is being wasted on anxiety. Like not sleeping etc. I never had this problem. I always felt safe till we got to O sii. In the old town I could rest. There is an energy that won't let me sleep. Is it bc there are so many Santeria shops in this freaking place. Maybe it's all the high society of Santeria crap. There are way too too many creepy Santeria shops here I visited them. They sell many poisons. In my old neighborhood they just sold candles and crosses. Like this place has bunches of oils and poisons and soaps. Like im scared.
I miss the old expensive town I lived in bc there was no Santeria shops there. Like none. Not one fracking Santeria shops. I miss living there bc Sharon used to take my fresh de air. It started there. Summer and I used to exchange fresh de air. Sharon never did. It's like she was full of this filth and it smelled bad. It's the Santeria like I'm not kidding. I remember in high school that these two kids wanted to make love to me I said no bc they didn't have the fresh de air. Like I wanted to wait till high school but they didn't have the fresh de air. And they were into Santeria. These were white guys. Not the Mexican Americans Indians that own these shops. I'm fighting for my fresh de air. It's what brings me down to earth and let's me heal and feel normal.
Do you know why Mexico has so many homosexuals. Bc these Santeria places make men gay when the man cheats on them. Like they do this crazy bullshit. I swear when I see a Santeria family the son is almost always gay like not happy. Like homosexual.
When we moved to my parents home town in the beginning we were amazing like abbb I bbcciilike rhyming family. When we got to the new town the fresh de air was being seeped out of my dad. Like someone envied my father and did Santeria on him and the fresh de air left him. And then my mom started acting wacko and so did my brother. Like they all started acting wacko. summer and I used to fight it off and it's hard to. I've been buying all kinds of stuff to get the fresh de air back into the house. I've been fighting this stuff since I was little. The best way I've fought it off is by putting a fish tank and animals. Like it's sad bc they die if they're not strong spirited. So I usually give my animals fierce names so they can attack the fresh de air muffle blowers. Like my family doesn't know why they are acting insane but it's bc they didn't keep up my insane oasis of animals after I left. Or how I tended the garden. Like a lot of plants died when I left bc my mom wasn't even there. It's worse lately bc I actually recently met a Santeria lady that attacked me and my animals. Many of my babay birds died. Like I want this gothic Mexican white prople Santeria people out of my life. I'm fighting for fresh de air. I stopped going to gothic clubs like 7 years ago bc I wanted fresh de air so bad. But the Santeria doesn't just come from there just living near a damn place where they practice it can harm me. When I was little my best friends mother was into Santeria and they did a candle for me that when my white skin started turning like this weird color not so fresh. It's like the fresh de air came off my skin. They were jealous of my white skin and Betty bangs they were Latina black girls.
I don't know who is behind that religion but I've often heard that is is from Africa. And once I met a little Mexican Indian man that wanted me to be his church's priestess. I said hell no man stay the frack away from me.
You pay a lot of money there to kill someone. Like they use spirits. I'm being like swiped of energy and air. And so is my boyfriend and all my Latina friends are enmvous of us. Just bc we're together. Like not bc we're happy or not just bc they wittnesses two white popes together. Like they hate white people. It's scary how my friend ended up dead and that witch came over the envious one. This kid was a Mormon from a Mormon family that went bad and had low spiritual level. Like he was smoking drinking and it wore him out.
There isn't a straight guy who really believes in witch craft. The only ones I've met that believe in it are homosexuals. Like they really believe it but if you try to tell a straight man about Howe scared you are about witches and witchcraft they will call you crazy even Christians.
My first white boyfriend with blue eyes in high school had the fresh de air out of him and back then I was full of it bc I really played with the funahui of my room and house. Not until like a few years ago did I find out that all his closest friends are Mexican Indians. Like he was a sexy nerd in high school and in band. But like I couldn't stand him bc of the fresh de air was gone and from his mom too. His parents were divorced. Like did someone do Santeria on them bc they're were envious bc they were filthy rich and cute. My ex is still like sick and he always wants me but I am the stand him bc of the fresh de air being gone. It's like he likes my fresh de air. He a cute blonde boy. I'm not profiling but all his friends look like they are those kinds that won those Santeria shops or that type of tribe that believe in that stuff.
He was ok in the beginning then this Latina took him away from me and he hasn't been the same since that girl. like I used to think she broke his heart but part of me thinks it was just Santeria. He doesn't get hard anymore not even for my hot friend summer. Like I told her to check him out and like flirt. She said the dick wouldn't even get hard for her. And he was like crazy in love with me. He even learned opera bc I liked music. Like we were not dirty or touching. It was like just making out and like there was nothing there. Like did he lose his virginity to her. I never asked him bc I was scared or like I can't ask him that. Maybe he lost it in college. I just know someone did Santeria on him. I want fresh de air back from god.
I used to think that he was gonna end up being a psycho killer or something bc he didn't have fresh de air. When he came back from college he stopped believing in God and I know bc he wouldn't take me to his cute church anymore. And he also said I don't believe in god. I would cry in front of him and he would wipe my tear or say like get over it. He still isn't married and I'm scared. Why is this freaking hot guy still not married the Mexican Americans all get married right out of high school and go to college.
Kelly you looked fine until you moved in with Liz. After that I started getting fat and your fresh de air started leaving. Like the night I met you looked like fresh and dewy. When you finally got your job and moved in with those people it's like all the fresh de air was gone. And so was Liz out. Phil looked fine full of it but still it was leaving. Like I don't know who took your fresh de air but I would fight over it every single time. You were getting sick and so would I. I didn't know what Santeria was then. Like I knew the word but I didn't really think it was so preventing. Helen and Fernando her boyfriend were into Santeria. What if Liz was into Santeria and kept attacking you for money etc. and that's why you were such a jerk to me sometimes. She would like possessed the living fuck out of you like if she was your girl friend. I want her hand off my face.
Everyone was jealous of you bc you got that job. Even Helen was. She went crazy I saw her crazy Asian eyes go insane. Like the Latina who says on Instagram I want to murder all white people. Some curses you that month bc you got such a high end job. I don't know how they didn't kick you out Your acne flared out and you have really dry skin. Before you fave was like an angels face. You were so stressed out the week before you got the job and when you got it you relaxed but like a lot of people were not happy for you. I was like Neto. Like the nerds win hayah. And I smiled.
Sharon was over my parents house one day. I slept over and seriously it felt like someone put coke in my ass. It was bleeding and I woke up with lots of pain. I read coke burns. Like maybe this was a demon. I don't know. Sharon shows up and creepy shot happens. That's why summer was yelling at me to get the beaner out of the house and saying I was a dirty beaner too bc I was hanging out with her. She hates her bc she a beaner.
I keep saying bye bye to friends bc I'm. It into witchcraft. Summer and I were Christian who wanted to roam the earth and help people without the Bible all in your face.
The witch that is jealous of me and that blonde dude in high school is creepy. She envies everything I have and covets it. She bought some land in the region were my boyfriend is from. Like who the frack does that. Why don't you buy land in your own fracking country crazy bitch. She probably taking all our fresh de air and life force. She's been checking up on me every few years and never does anything for me in the real world like but me food.all my friends buy me food.
For years I've been protecting my sisters fresh de air and I get really weak and sick. And I left and she's like withering away like a flower. She doesn't even see it. They all say it's bc she white. Yeah right my friend summer looks all fresh de air like always.
I think my mom cursed me when I started dating you. Like she was really mad when she noticed there was actually a guy that could impregnate me. She called me a whore just bc we went to the movies with you one night. She has sixth senses too. She loves my boyfriend but seriously I think bc she knows I won't get pregnant. It's bc he's not that in to me like you were. I'm scared of letting him know all of this bc he not nerdy like us. We always talk about weird schematic plots. I'm not saying literal pregnancy. I mean my mom sees the wavelengths frequencies of excitement.
My boyfriend used to help me move around everyday even after my Brian was fried not from partying like all the coolest kids. Fried from my parents throwing me in the psych ward and my whole family is envious of us and want to ruin my life. He can't move me like a chess piece anymore like not a match to the death but just movements with music on the background. Someone or something happened and I can't be moved anymore since we moved to the O Sii. I'm actually scared I'm being chased by a stalker and he fucks with my mind. Like I don't remember everything on tact. I'm so scared. I'm not that horny. Horny is for making kids. I just want to know how to walk my dog and go out to eat etc. I'm still waiting for the day that the next medical building actually carries something worth taking. I've been fighting with my family since I was 19 that the stuff they take or I take isn't a magic pill. If duh it's so you die slowly and don't start a drama. But they won't take them just to appease me like they won't go see a psychologist. I'm being put in a bed pan in my head bc my ass and vagina became so lose and no one knows how I'm not in tune with a rhythmic beating that most people have. It's like there isn't anything there but blood and it isn't fun to remember how bad it doesn't smell.
I don't know what a heart attack feels. I could have had so many heart attacks and they think I'm schizophrenic. They've been smoking around me since I was like 4 and I started smoking when I was 18 to die of emphazima with my best friend bc we're rich white trash. When you think about the abuse I feel I don't know what's worse being fat or skinny. I'm quoting smokin bc I don't want to burn anything down I forget where I am sometimes. Thanks to my family and the psych ward pills. That fried my Brian.
You know what I can't stop laughing about a lot of people love getting loose. And getting dumb but it drives me ape shit and I relax with my cup of tea. It's not my cup of tea. I can't organize things that's why I think I have some mental deficiency. I've just go to sleep since I was ass raped when I was little like no one talks about it with me. I never got rape therapy or got to talk to my homosexual friend about it. I just know I was raped and I go to sleep with the pain and I can't concentrate. I can imagine some sick fuck say my sweet sweet ass. I hate that I'm not the tightest ass on the street anymore bc back in the day every girl got fucked in the ass everyday. Like how did they maintain themselves without losing themselves in the mind.
My sister ruined all the guys I could possibly marry. But I recently like met this handsome homosexual and he started all excited I've eme. Like part of me wants to marry him but I don't know he will love m when he finds out about pill heaven. And what I run from. How I want to marry him. I'm scared of giving up on all my goals of being around very well educated men. This homosexual isn't. But he's cute. Tell me I'm a bitch I'm scared I will forget how to wipe my butt
My rapist came by today and creeped me out. I've been feeling all kinds or weird spinal taps and like anal taps. Where my energy has been like flowing out of those areas. He always follows me when I'm with people of a certain class otherwise I'm like unspoken of. My mind has been used for several days now and it's weird how it's empty then full then empty then full. Like I don't like this new age religion stuff he learned. I don't know which one it is or how he is using it on me.
I'm kinda mad bc my rapist says he's not a real rapist bc he got raped so I diserved to get rape. Like they have machines now supposedly that close your ass and make them like new babay butts. Look at the movie industry how the hell does so much of these movies keep turning. It's the machine they created that close butts and it's super expensive and money and power can't buy it bc you need to know the right kind of doctors. Most of them are stupid peanut butter psycho players. I just get to remember the good old days when my ass was tight and all the girls kept talking down to it like it was loose. When they were the ones not making noises just taking it in the ass.
Ass fucking is so cool. Why don't gay men ever say it. I always see them just smiling and talking more feminine. It made me lose my feminine voice. I just like talking like a strong man since they raped me in the ass. I don't even do the Snow White I'm wishing steel. I have that strong manly voice that makes all the woman giggle in my presence like they just feel sexier. Like I don't know if they're laughing at me or like do they want to have sex with me. Then I want to grab them by there nappy ass weave and tell them to stop flirting with my man. So I just be quite and then cry to myself that I can't sing bc my ass was raped. Like I sound different. I don't smile and twirl. I'm like this really tough woman and nO one know how needy I am. It's kinda sad how all my friends think they're pussies and that I don't need them so they leave me. It's ok. Buah bye
A lot of my homosexual friends that I had when I was young told me in secrecy that they were raped and that it didn't matter by then. I don't know why but this always disturbs me bc straight men like talking badly about these iffeminite men and the people like me notice that they like making them feel like something is wrong with them. When all the while types like these straight men are raping these men and they lose their voice like I did. I like the baritone voice I get from my ass rape.
Someone wanted to marry me off to this foreigner. Like honestly I said no when he said he would buy me a car and let me live with him in his big ass house. Like honestly I think they planned on putting me in a permanents psych ward in another country. I was like no pass go. No pass go. I don't want your nonsense. He looked like an ass rapist too. It scared me bc he was really into wrestling. Wrestlers are so homosexuals. Like I mean they like ass raping girls and then getting them knocked up.
When I was little I just wanted to see my best friend get married to he blonde guy and have kids. I would be the one help that got paid well bc she knows how abused I was as a kid. We parted when she started not want kids nor marriage. Just sex like all the time in the ass and everywhere. I still don't know how she finished college while getting fucked in the ass or go to work. She was so amazing.
I remember when I was younger that pissed me off so much while I felt like the only ads raped person not being good able to think. It would piss me off how everyone isn't like others in others regions. Like my class was so outrageous. They were not sitting In my classroom
Like I don't know them. Why must I talk to them. And they would give like the dirtiest look. Like other regions were cooler than cool no my class go 2004 go 2004 so freaking cool. Ghetto assholes. I had to go to other age groups so that my ass rapist story wouldn't go to everyone bc my mom had the biggest mouth. I got to smile everyday. She even like punching me in the face if I complained.
I'm laughing right now bc your dad used to scare me so much that my ass and everything would tighten up around you. I can't stop laughing. No one does that for me not even the c o p s.
My girlfriend used to tighten me too actually the gothic one but since she had the kid I don't get that mystery. It's like I don't care anymore. It's like I don't compete for some reason I can't tighten up anymore. Everyone just makes me want to sit in a diaper like a 120 year old woman that I am.
I'm scared my rapist wants to kill my boyfriend for not marrying me. Like no one cares we all know what happened. Like why does he care so much I gave up on everything a long time ago. When everyone started having children and some how I'm no longer tight. It's like I had a child too.
I miss being scared by you and I think that's why I keep writing. Like I want to piss you off so you scare my bottom tight. It doesn't work bc you have to be next to me. But like you scare me in the functioning way some people just make me want to pee my pants. I haven't done it but like it happens.
I don't see very well and I'm shy. I've always been shy but somehow I grew out of my cocoon these past few years and everyone thought it was so obscene that I got sick. I hate how no one likes it when I'm pretty and petite and not manly.
I just wish one day every day I didn't have to feel like I gave birth. Like who did this to me. I think my rapist did bc I'm so numb. Like nothing makes get the point. I hate how dirty I sound but it's the truth. Summer and I used to wear dickies in commando to tighten everything up bc it made us comfy and nervous. Not many woman dare do this. I can't do this anymore bc I'm fat and I can't wear this thick clothes jeans. Everything is so not thick.
It's the way you hold me and lie to me. I love how you lie to me and tell me you love me. And scare me. No one lies with such sweetness than you. I miss being lied to. Everyone would get so envious of how you would treat me I swear I could have built you a harem of sexy latinas and I wouldn't stop laughing bc I would just want to read a book with you. Like I'm not a work aholic like everyone's is. The rape made me lazy. I only function when I get raped that's why john raped me I think.
Your like Howard Johnson. I don't even know if that's the name but he is like this highly looked after playboy.
Someone touched all your memorbelia and you never told me what the rocks meant. Like too many people touched the rocks and I think I ended up loose after not hiding them like family jewls. Which is stupid bc I wouldn't quit smoking. But the. Again I was so suicidal bc of the poverty line. Like smoking just made everything feel so much hotter. I get tired now bc I don't get to understand what it isn't about you. I think it's your girl name that drives me crazy like super sexy. To the point. Like I don't ever get scared of you and want to pee. I'm just like Kelly sexy. Sexy Kelly. Kelly sexy. Sexy Kelly. Sexy Kelly. Kelly sexy. Your super long legs sexy Kelly Kelly sexy. I'm so into rocky hope picture show. Like I just keep thinking about how sexy you would look with lipstick. You never let me put it on you. It made me feel like I finally had a real ken doll or a barbie. I hated how you never let me comb your hair. Like why did I always have to play the doll. I'm learning to not smoke. I'm hoping eventually I will be tighter. I'm not trying to turn you on. Ok. Like really I don't like it anymore rocky horror picture show. It's a little gross I just like your name Kelly. It drives me insane. Like there isn't one fucking guy name after a woman and I hate you so much.
I'm trying to give you points. Maybe I'll find you a girlfriend bc your online dating profile was not sexy. Ok. Not sexy at all. Very confusing. Like aerial killer confusing. I just kept imagining woman screaming thinking you want their flesh. Ok sexy Kelly. I know your trying to sound super sexy French. Kelly sexy Kelly French Kelly. Super sexy French Kelly. Oh dear my sexy Kelly French Kelly. Summer wanted to fuck you but I didn't let her bc she would have taken you away to another land and I would never get to read with you. Summer wanted to prove I'm tighter than her bc of how I am.
I'm making the jokes you would make towards me all the time in the old days. Like you wouldn't stop making such larger than scale gestures and comments. So don't get abused in your head when I'm just trying to roast you like you always roasted me when I was insecure about my loose asshole and loose vagina orfice. I can't imagine you acting like I'm raping out or any sexual harassment. It's like you don't get what it's like for someone to do this to you and never being able to return the favor. I know I used to be silent. It's bc I was a virgin in my head and was trying to get over the rape. I'm very open minded now at this age.
I can't stand how men can flirt with anyone and I have to keep quiet. Like it made me crazy. Like really crazy and no one noticed how I just relapse into your arms always bc they're so strong. Your like the only one that can pick me up bc I never new football players. Summer never let me be with anyone in her town bc I wasn't a virgin and all her guy friends wanted a virgin. She was a bitch about it bc they're all sluts.
I just remember king Solomon and I start crying bc me and summer wanted like one man to love us both. And you never fell for the trap. We were like is he gonna make a move. We wanted to get pregnant at the same time and have lumber jack sims to chop the wood for us. Bc we're sick of how everyone in our family says always make us do all the tough work. We were like two peas in a pod. And our men never wanted one or the other. It's like we attract very different men. I hate how you went out with so many girls and never wanted my summer and me. It was like we just came to get pregnant and didn't know it. And would have left you alone masterbating. I'm remembering my youth before my boyfriend tears more of my brains out.
We wanted to rape you of all your money from your job. Like you don't know how much money we wanted to steal your money. We wanted to have kids together so we never had to leave each other. Summer was the blonde and I was the brunette that's how sexy we were. Summer still fantasies about us being together. I'm not in love with summer. She likes fucking people over and having sex with us so we can have function body parts. She says we don't know how to use our sex organs. Sharon used to do it and it used to make us throw up. She smells different. You didn't get pregnant off her smell when you hugged me. She won't let me smell like chamomile.
I look the same. Why do you think everythinks I'm ok. They just didn't want to see papya girl come out again-papya is a fashion line. It makes them feel insecure.
Melody thinks I'm just this horny Indian bc john Paul put that in her head. Like she thinks people of my skin tone that is white skin tone are super horny. I'm tired of how rude that was and how he makes fun of my boyfriends behind my back with his black gf and his two black kids. He still talks about me as if I wanted to have sex morning noon and night. People of my skin color get skin treatments to look better and it drives me insane when people start talking down to me just bc I'm not superficial about what nautural beauty is. Remember I never looked like ugly Betty but john Paul said that shit to me. If you see her now she has like white skin bc she can afford the Hollywood white transformance. Like really I'm really insulted when they said I looked like her.
Someone you know is doing math so I do t have brain matter she does math above my head. Like start doing math so you can save all your woman king Kelly.
My rapist might want to go find you and apologize to you for raping me and then ask you why you don't want to be with me and laugh at you. He's been doing it for years and calling you a homosexual. Magicians are real asshole. Like it's called meditation. I don't want drama but I'm going deaf bc I do t have a cubbie were no one is not analyzing how I think how I got so far ahead in life. How they an be more like me. It's creepy bc I'm not sexually involved or like anything significant in their lives. Proper nouns get me in trouble. I'm
Not crazy. That's why your crazy kid. My child molester dates strippers and like playboy bunnies and makes fun of woman like me and men like you who love woman like me.
There are many millionaires in claifornia and they never gave me and summer any food. We just hang out and act nice to each other. When we are in position of jurisdiction meaning we get to be near our rich families they basically they want to eat every frijole en la olla. Basically they think that we are white trash woman that go around looking young and pretty to get laid. They don't know we're Holy missionaries. You don't want to know our religion. We pick out random people and pull them out of their bubble and try to make them do what we want and they can't bc they believe in god will o take our sins off and help us in the future. That's been my thesis statement for the past 15 years of my life and I've been tirelessly been working on getting them to work out the Mexican American out of their bosom and ass.
We experimented in different states and found a bunch of people who were starving to give themselves over to love, patience, kindness, and exceptionally beautiful ladies us. Like I'm out home state they're like your just not out a cup of tea but it had to do with religion. The soureounding states had the same results. It's a bit maddening remember my life work when my family has been overcome by this states mission impossible of making everyone deficiate and a very big lack of circle thinking skills. Me and summer went on a quest after meeting you bc we didn't understand your type. Like your exsistence didn't compute and there were many of lads like you around the street corners. We basically want a migration of woman to save men like you.
We are not being rude or condescending we just like highlighting a lot of cool history facts without having to go o school and being studied again as to why we don't act like the rest of the latinos in the schools we went to. Kids these days don't know how much studying they did of our culture let alone knowing what part of the world we were from. It made me sad when I hear about normal schools that stay in tact the old fashion way and actually teach white kids knowledge instead of hypocracy. I have spills on my journal of if anthropoligy and I have to keep furry fast to have my notations actually jotted down. I faint everyday thinking I will fall I love.
When I was younger I would say I'm gonna be tan one day and interstate instead of being a nusanice. And I did. Summer and I have different opinions. Like she hates tan people and I say go sister. She doesn't want anyone forgetting how precious there skin is. And I've been trying to prove that I'm sick of sadness. I love summers skin but I didn't want to be murdered on the open road like summer is alway. It's like paparazzi in here. Summer and I were glad we found each other bc it's a mad crazy world. She like did what I said. She went to raise the two kids I won't bc I have rapist coming after me and rich Mexican Americans that think I can hand out cash at an ATM.
All the kids at school think I go from riches to rags every third Monday. And it's not prostitution it's actual work I do they say it's genius work. And I'm scared of them bc they don't see the theories I do or the things I see they think on a whole other realm. This has nothing to do with mental illness. Mental illness isn't not affording docs French skirt silk dress. A best friend. A boogie board. Like simple. Next time I meet my child molester I want hi. To meet the real thing I've been theorizing about with summer for years and we never know when it will show up.
N
To be respectful I meant FIN
What do kids out here do when there parents want to break their nut shell. Someone has been trying to prove you can break it and still live the rich life. I've been sending myself to psychologist to prove that it isn't true. Like I haven't been able to function well every time I try out a new pack of pills. I envy the mind that know how to reverse the Brian damage I have. I've been doing different things throughout my life to be able to speed read and you know think better. How do you tell the world your on a list of people that are shun in society. And that you can understand how all of this is relavent to the truism of being evil or benign to evil.
I wanted to test it out but not that far. Not the so far that the pace of my reading comprehension is lowered. That's is we're is the true IQ test.
Can you buy me the most expensive book? I'm scared of a man he actually bought me a Harvard classic. He went on a plane and brought me back one of those books he was. Kid. He didn't know it was a book I threatened people not now but in the after world. It's like a brainiac book.
You never bought me that book that's why I didn't believe in your love always. I don't hate you. I'm not being a bitch. Like maybe I'm Maurice by did this guy go out of his way to buy me this book? It's creepy how he hasn't shown up with the apartment food and car. Like he doesn't get it.
I hope your studies are going well. We're still cool you me and summer.
Maurice is actually trying to hurt me. It's a person like that doesn't like me and that's into witchcraft. I want the Maurice spell broken.
John Paul still talks to me like an x men. And I used to cry and yell to stop it. Like I did nut bag shit so he would get out of my head. Remembered you heard voices when we were raped by each other exsistence. It was him. He won't rape me anymore but he likes using my knowledge everyday he smiles pot laces with other stuff. Like not normal marijuana. He steal information that helps me find out how to walk around normal without panic attacks. Bc he was like paranoid schizophrenic psycho central and I was a chaby chic rockabilly pose girl. Summer only had a small cellphone camera phone. No pictures. We still wish we had photos from that period bc we were so hot. Like hot hot. Better than papya hot. And all the Asian woman that shop at those blacks while we bloat up like crazy.
Please don't cry. But my mom got me a violin after they fried my Brian and smiled. My boyfriend didn't know what happened. She basically bought me the gift I wanted when I was bright not dark like Lisa bright and dark that book from the 70''s. That's how nice she is. Like who does that. She knows I'm complaining about being dumb now. Like why am am I gonna learn to play a few notes. That's how funny your life is. Laugh. Bc I'm creeped out. How you always have my playing cards on the table and how you just leave them alone.
I quit smoking cigarettes now. I can save money to see you now. Pray that I don't get sent awaylike to the psych ward again. I need to make sure everything is ok and happy.
I feel cold. Like normally I'm hot bc of the cigarettes. And I feel cold. I feel really cold and I don't have a need for cigarettes. I'm really amazed that I did it. I actually did it. Now I need to save my money and especially hopefully they don't chisel more of my brain out. Like I want my brain functioning. I don't want to end up a parapaligic.
I get sad bc I never see anyone like you or your family. When we were together they would help me think better cumalatively. The same way my family helped you think better. It hurts that I can't find anyone that reminds me of your family or mine. I keep hoping to find people that look like us and I don't ever. It's like the world keeps making up new patterns and you can't find the same patterns from before. I used to feel lucky bc I met you. im scared Cynthia did something to my apartment bc there is too much background noise that sounds important. Before she showed up I didn't hear anything not ordinary. I sometimes wonder if I can write than maybe I must be able to learn how to play the violin. Maybe my mom isn't a bitch. I learned new terminology at nail school. I must have something inside. You always help me believe that. I still haven't found another summer. But it will be hard bc she is Irish Spanish and Indian. Like no way is that an easy combination to find.
Did you know that the medicine messed up my chin. It isn't as pointy anymore and my cheeks as well are not as round. Did you know my butt hole is loose from the medicine I think I don't know if it's bc I'm fat or if it's bc the medicine is breaking down my muscles. But I'm in pain. I feel ugly around my boyfriend bc of how fat I am. He makes me look ugly. And I have so many acne scars that look like I'm tan. Which I'm also am. I hate how ugly I feel I'm gonna get up and do excerciae again so I can feel pretty again. I hate feeling ugly. I hate my skin color bc I'm not white like summer or brown like those Mexican Americans. I start to feel pretty when I get really tan or I stay inside and begin getting paler. But I hate being in between it makes me feel so fucking ugly. Especially bc all the guys who have a crush on me are pasty as frack. All of them tall pasty fuckers or blonde men. I never get that tan guy or dark guy who makes me look paler. Like the contrast looks pretty. Also I hate the color of my skin when I fat. It's like I'm constantly flushed.
I sound miserable but I'm not. I just wanted to say this to someone.
I hate being fat I think being fat is the reason why I have so much pain in my nards. It's like my body is too heavy for my extremities. Talking to you relaxes the frack put me. When I talk to you the pain leaves my body. That's why I can't stop. When I tell you what hurts the most it's like it's gone in an instant.
I'm going to go to the doctor and tell them about the pain I have down there. Maybe I have hemorrhoids I don't know. It also burns down there like when I poop and I know I didn't eat any spicy food recently. It's creepy. When I stay at home with my parents all my illnesses leave. It's like nothing bad happens to me and I even start to look even younger. Isn't that weird.
I want to talk to pregnant woman to find out how they tighten their buttholes and vaginas bc I know it's not just kegel exercises. I've noticed that I get tighter when I lose weight. Like being fat makes me feel really loose. It's gross. I hate feeling this way. I also hate how I'm not around Mexican Americans. I don't really have those friends bc they were never nice to me in school. I like seeing them bc they're so pretty and I appreciate my skin color more when I'm next to them. Whiter people make hate my skin color and make me hate myself for never wearing sunblock. These sound like stupid complaints but they're real complaints. Most of all I just want my butt to stop hurting I've been sleeping a lot to see if it goes away but it doesn't. It's the second day that I quit smoking cigarettes. I'm so proud of myself. Oh my goodness maybe bc I quit smoking my ass hurts. Like I've been smoking less and less for a long time. I think smoking cigarettes takes my ass pain away. Maybe that's why I started smoking to begin with. I don't remember. Smoking tightens my offices. Without smoking I feel super loose. It's hurts. It hurts. It hurts. I want to know why I get tighter when I was fucking you. Like what is it that you have. I hate you for not telling me how to find that or how to make anyone I'm with do that. Men and woman have told me that it's supposed to be loose. But when I'm with you I'm like yeah right. You make me a virgin. And I hate how much power you have on earth. I want to destroy your power bc I can't have my virginity back.
I think woman do t have my vagina muscles bc of all the European countries I come from. That's what I never tell anyone. That's why summer loves me. She loves how my family conquered many European countries and made children. She thinks I'm a strong race.
Stop being gay. Don't try to piss off your ex girl friend. I know she made you upset and you want to pay her back. Please my love don't be gay. whatevwrtbey did to you isn't as bad as being gay. Woman are way prettier than men. Men like hitting. They're violent and mean. Like do you miss how violent I am and mean. Is that why your not happy with woman bc you need a strong Italian lady to kick your ass around. Why did you go to New York like you wanted. You would have met many beautiful Italians instead of crossing San Francisco and being touched by the homosexual demon.
I'm trying to tighten it up by writing. Like you don't understand what I do to get it right again. I try to imagine you and I have intellectual conversations and reading books.
I don't have sex with you while I write. I'm just trying to remember what it is like to be around you. You naturally effect my womanhood. I'm not sinning. I'm scared of getting really loose. And that you can only close it up. If anyone reads this they can go to hell if they think I'm a whore for wanting to feel like a virgin again and again. And again.
I used to beat you up in the head with words and stupid things I said. But when you started doing bdsm that was the worst thing I've ever read. That bitch was super nasty too. I don't even know how you could accept her beating you it made me want to cry everyday. I miss being a virgin. You make me feel virginal and youthful. Like I feel 120 and when we hang out I become this 15 year old again. Just being friends. Not talking about sex and all that nasty stuff we did one summer. I'n all the years I knew you I never thought we would end up in bed like we did that summer. It hurt so much and you left me alone to work out. I hated you for not spending time with me like you used to when I would deny you my pussy. My pussy isn't a thing you can use with other girls. I'm sick how you keep telling me your gonna replace me and imagine me being that girl. I'm one of a kind pussy bc there isn't many Italian girls out here. Ok. I'm not nasty in the head.
It made me cry when you didn't date any Italian girls. Not one of them was italian girl and you wonder why you broke up with them.
No one ever said I had Down syndrome. Me and Melody joke about it. They said I didn't do everything perfect. What they don't know is that I was ass raped when I was little girl and I never could think well after that. Even then I was smarter than most of the kids. My Italian features and my dad's education pissed off all my teachers. That's why I'm always in trouble. You ruined my pussy never and I hate how I feel like I have a Down syndrome pussy now. One that doesn't talk to me. When I have sex it's ok but alone it feels like someone gave it Down syndrome.
Tell your father to go find an Italian woman and have a kid. If your gay tell your dad to make an Italian burner baby. Bc we never got to have a Italian burner babay that we wanted. I'm not crazy. I don't know how to tell you but I know your not gonna ever want me after all the pills I took and how I destroyed my brain every time you don't show up. It's my fault for walking in but my family relishes on destroying my intellect. We want more Italians in California. Even summer. She used to cry when she couldn't find an Italian man. I would too. They're like super rare cards. I hope you never post a picture of me up on your blog bc then I wouldn't be able to talk about sexy so freely. I love how you always cover up who I am don't expose me to people. I never saw your dad bc I hate Asian people they're gold diggers and leave men alone like some crazy fool on the street after they get what they want. They will even leave you bankrupt over night. They're shopaholics.
I don't know if your sucidal but I want more Kelly burners on earth. Your like my favorite person.
When I moved out I found out that raped woman end up fat. Like they can't have children and they are super fat. Like their bodies don't work anymore. Especially kids that were child raped. I hate how there isn't any books on this matter. It's like the library really fucking said sorry were not gonna write about rape victims. When they do write about it it's not cool. It's always a stupid story. There isn't books collection about it. Maybe I'm ignorant and don't know all the books there are. I want someone to publish how the girl that got raped as a child never gets married and never have kids. Never had self esteem. Never smiles. Never acts decent. Like some of them become lesbians. And some of them even end up murdering people. I've heard about it through it in my head. Like my sixth sense says that rape victims need more love in the world.
I love talking to you. When I talk to you I feel cozy. Like those big Mexican American parties that I've been to with all the beer and all the carne asada. And the groups of people huddled together. Like it feels like I'm part of a big party when I talk to you and I feel safe and cozy. I don't know why I always feel that way about you. You make me feel like there is a huge party with delicious food like salsa, meat, macaroni salad, pina coladas, and you represent all that coziness. When I'm around the other people they make feel like I'm on guard ready to find the attack motive. I also like how I can talk about anything with you without feeling shameful.
Lately I have been loving my body. I feel like an awkward kid. I can't stand my body one bit. It doesn't feel good to be fat.
I also feel like how am
I going to survive without Kelly bc your like the guy Jesus gave me to figure out how to do things when I'm alone. I don't know why but no one can live up to you bc your the only one that would tell the whole community in my life to go suck it. You wouldn't tell me to go take fucking pills. If my boyfriend or you ever ask why I write to you it's bc I'm fighting for my freedom of speech. I'm fighting for the things Kelly taught me to fight for and one of them is happiness and freedom. Like I don't ever want to fall down and do what my boyfriend says to do. Like take those fucking pills and end up brain dead. I don't respect you how you never took me out of the hospital every time Melody puts me in there. I don't respect how you don't ever speak up to my family about how abusive they are when you even say it yourself. Like your kinda a jerk. And that's why I write to you Kelly bc I need to know that the world isn't as dark as it can get. I need to know that somewhere out there someone will respect the way I feel about things. It isn't funny how no body knows how much money I need to survive and how no body is ever worried about me especially how I could lose my mind and not be able to work again. I need security and I'm going to do whatever it takes to find it again.
When I met you I thought you were South American. Like those cute South American blondish men from South America. That's why I say you remind me of the Mexican fieatas.
Will you buy me something to eat like you asked me for money for the books you were investing in? Do you know how it feels when you start talking to me like I'm one of the guys you talk to. I didn't like how fresh you were with me back then. You need to be gentle with me if you ever talk to me again and figure out that I'm penniless. That's why my blog was called penny lane. My pen name. Bc I'm penniless. When you ask me for money it makes me super pissed off how you never invested in getting me educated. That's all I ever asked you for fuck sake. When I started getting educated you had to ruin everything by contacting me and having that power play over my pussy. Like you don't get what you do to my whole body.
I don't even know if I can go back to college bc I think I'm handicap in the brain bc of how they damaged my brain with those medley of pills. I don't even know how I got through 4 months of beauty college. I'm scared Kelly. I want to meet super rich people who will leave me their money but most of them will want my pussy like that boy millionaire who killed himslelf. I don't like how your never interested in making riches for yourself but you like eating like a king. It doesn't concord in my head how you make all these stupid decisions.
I'm girl interrupted in the flesh.
I need training like I got when I was little girl after being raped and how they trained me to use my brain again. I don't know who will train my retard brain to function well again or who will take the paranoia again. I used to see the school psychologist and he would give me memory brain test to make sure I was using my brain. Bc after the rape I would pass out some times and not care about school work. I miss those test. I miss being infected with intelligence. And order. I used to be so orderly when I was little. Cleaning was like super fun. Now I get scared of something popping out or pissing off my boyfriend for cleaning too much. I used to love spending my time just organizing things. It was my favorite past time. I quit smoking. I did it. I'm not a loser. Like those pot heads that can't stop smoking pot. I actually left the cigarette. Writing to you helps me feel like I'm training my brain and you infected me with stability and intelligence. And Help me get rid of my paranoia.
Maybe you need to go to school to be one of those school psychologist so you can save kids. I hope your not insane like me. I'm working on ending it. They have had me
On pills for so many years.
My friend who was my psychology major at uci left me and I hate her bc being around her helped me think better. I don't know how she did it but she would get me out of depression since I got raped I've been depressed and had self inflicted hate like deep hate for myself and society. It just to make me cry at night that I will never have any power on earth so I dedicated myself to school but my mom never respected it.
Sometimes I'm scared that there is a racist spell where you think I'm a black person. I know several witches that want me to feel the pain of being black. I've been threatened many times with that kind of attitude by the people I love the most. And it's not normal to do that to me. I'm a white woman. Break the spell of treating me like I'm some N I G E r. It's not ok to be this way to me she. Your crazy in love with me. I don't even know how I now this. The spell needs to break. I have many people that are racist to me bc I'm so white. My mom doesn't like me bc I'm not white enough and I don't know if that has anything to do with the spell. Maybe the way she treated me effects the way you look at me bc of how much you liked her. Light a black candle to end the spells. That's what me and summer used to do. We would light black candles to end all unhappiness and weirdness in our life. Put the biggest bitch under that candle and ask Jesus to help you not end up hating her for what she did to you a long time ago. After your done pray and ask god if being raped out of your dignity will bring back my love to you bc you don't know how much trouble I have loving you the way I used to love you. It's hard.
You know how you gave up marijuana for me after being the biggest stoner. You need to give up homosexuality and transgender queer shit. So you can start being dominated by me again. And then dominate me back. Do you forget how much you like dominating me and pushing me around. Satan won't let you remember what you get out of being with me. I'm not racist but sometimes I think that you are not good enough for me bc your so white and tall. I have this idea that I need to be with a Mexican American man to be happy but they never fall for me.
Melody wants to see me homeless. I can't do want I want bc Melody separated me for all my digits and connections on this side of the planet. I can't even leave my apartment without dreading being picked up by the ins bc of the way everyone is acting around me. There is a racist spell on my head and my skin tone. I'm in constant fear of the cops since summer left my side and since Melody has been turning all my friends against me. Melody used to call me a beaner and deep down inside I think she wants to get back at me for how insecure she is I'm her own life. Summer never told anyone off. It summer hates Melody bc of how she wants me to be afraid of the world we live in.
I compare myself to them always and I don't look like them. But for some reason I think my brother and sisters want me to feel the pain that other immigrants feel. I'm not sure yet but they make sure that they always feel white superior to me. I'm psycho about this stuff and I never speak about it publicaly to know one. Not even my lover or my best friend at the time. That's why people probably don't like me bc I keep a big wall up about the stuff that makes me cringe at night. I'm so white that blonde people are always hitting on me.
I was really into classical music when I was in high school and my mom would break the sound bc she started calling me a psychotic bitch for listening to it. She basically thinks I would end up killing someone bc of the classical music I listened to. So I changed and started acting out I even started skipping all my classes and proving I could keep my grades up. I used to listen to white zombie and all this horrible music just to make my mom happy. She never said anything when I started dressing like a goth glam rock. I'm stuck on that part of my life and I can't get over it. To this day it's like I'm stuck in the mind when I did that transition in my life I never was able to speak clearly or talk to anyone with the education I was brought up with.
I'm human. And I don't get to be human around Melody and my mom. They act like I'm a different species. They're bigots to me.
Did you know you used to dream about Jessica Thompson everyday even though she was a stupid puta did you know my mom keeps meditating that you see me like a puta from the Calle bc I don't live at home with mommy and daddy anymore.
I'm still scared that listening to that rock music really hurt my reputation with god. I was a very Holy woman growing up and my mom didn't like it. It used to make her insane how Angelic I would act. I was raped. I didn't want God to hate me anymore. I'm scared of my mom just wanting me to die bc she says I raped her son. And I don't know if that's true. Only god knows that. Like what if I raped him I know he was way older but maybe I actually raped him out of his dignity on this earth and he wanted to rape my flesh so I wouldn't ever get what I want the most. A marriage license.
My childhood best friend and her family are in Hawaii. They keep posting up videos. It's really pretty. Way prettier than anything I've seen on other people's travels.
I've been sleeping a lot lately and I've noticed changes in my body since I quit smoking. My skin feels prettier and softer. My skin looks brighter. My lungs don't have pain anymore. Also my pee doesn't smell so pungent. My skin is t hot all the time it feels cool to the touch. And last night my butt stoped hurting. I think it's bc I was going through withdrawals that my butt hurts. . I'm gonna keep sleeping through the withdrawals bc I don't want to start smoking. Yesterday before going to the movies and going to a restaurant, after eating my dinner I really wanted a cigarette but it passed. I was able to get through the day without smoking.
I knew I could change.
The lady did curse my roses bc they been withering for days. She like gave my roses such bad energy; it's super sad how she couldn't have just been happy for me.
Also I noticed my mouth doesn't taste bad or give off this order and it doesn't feel like a lot of grime build up. I feel more relaxed now that I'm not smoking. I used to be more nervous while I was smoking and felt on edge. I'm too happy that I quit smoking.
Your so lucky that you've been to Hawaii you must of look so cute in all the trees. My best friend sister is the ugly one and even she looks cute in the Hawaii green house. I've never been it makes me want to cry. Even my other best friends have been there. I want to go there and take like playboy pictures in the sand in a bikini with papya clothes on. Like with my legs open and stuff all slutty. It would be so much fun. I'm coming to excercise after a while of quitting smoking. I want to smile all day and dress slutty. That would be so much fun. And take pictures with lots of flowers around me and roses.
Odor *
I'm going to start going to the community work out meetings. I think I can handle it bc I quit smoking. Like I don't feel uncomfortable. I want to do breathing excercisies and play with oxygen. I want deep breathing sitting on the ground cross legged. I want to lift my chest and breath. I bet I'm gonna have more sensitivity in my body bc I quit smoking. Also I stopped having head aches like before. I'm going to go to Starbucks and drink some coffee and see what it's like to be stuck up and not nervous. I mean stuck up bc I can even go to Starbucks. I want all the colors to come back to face. The colors I had before smoking. There were more pinks in my cheeks. I hope that my skin starts cleansing itself.
I'm so angry. I won't say exsactly but when I'm with you it's like I go through a detox bc you make me sweat like crazy. I wish I had that now to speed up the cigarettes out of my system.
It's sad how I've been into being sedated for so long with cigarettes. I hated being alert and not sedated. The cigarettes with knock me out in the beginning. Like it would really make me fall asleep. I want my sensitivity back. I'm tired of being sedated.
You know what I'm going to do everyday. I'm going to start brushing my hair like I'm cute manners and putting on make up. Dressing really cute and I'm going to make it a habit to do this before I go to Starbucks. Like I'm used to not caring about how I look. I want to bring attention to myself. Maybe I'll meet a friend. Also I want to prove that I can go into society without needing a cigarette to knock me out. That's what I wouldn't do. I would smoke so I wouldn't get pissed off at how many assholes walk around.
I get scared about how psychiatric medicine is made to sedate you. It actually kills you really slowly and make sure you dumb. And it's super expensive like more expensive than cigarettes. Like if you don't have insurance you have to pay a lot of money. I don't like how they want to get cigarettes out of people's mouths. Like they want us off of cigarettes and all of us on pills. Like it's scary how they're doing this. Cigarettes are a way better way of getting sedated bc they don't lower your IQ like psychiatric drugs. Like why don't they have commercials about how the fuck we need to get off of pay gator chomp drugs before we kill someone. That's always a warning on those medicines. It says you could kill yourself or kill someone. Cigarettes don't do that. They help you make friends. Like I hate society. I still don't want to smoke but seriously it pisses me off.
Did I tell you I got hired by a Starbucks and lost my job bc of a Mexican American who did like me. He wouldn't train me and he would try to confuse the frack out of me with the information I had already grown to know. But he basically made a complaint that I was talking about stuff I shouldn't talk about in the work environment. It wasn't a mainstream Starbucks. It's was one that wasn't connected to them. Like basically they just bought all the franchise stuff but they were not officiated with corporate. So it's not like I couldn't apply at another one. Basically that little companyy was gonna open a new kiosk and the Mexican American was getting really mad bc the manager was considering hire me as another manager. I'm over it now but it makes me really upset how that asshole just fucked up my possible career. Like over night. I don't even know why he didn't like me. I bet if I was Mexican American like he was he would t have done that shit to me. I should have gone to the Italian coffeee kiosk instead of arabicas like the other manager said. I'm so fucking mad.
None of them drove. Maybe he was jealous of me bc he didn't have a fucking car. I don't know.
All of the men at that Starbucks were Mexican American. And most of the girls were too some were white but they had that Santa Ana Mexican American
White trash fucking asshole
Attitude. If there had been one nerdy boring white pasty man Caucasian sweet heart no one would of fired me. He would started flirting with me and teaching me everything. I was so unlucky. Like super unlucky. I hate that shit. I hate it so much. I wanted that job so bad. It was an airport job. All of them were Mexican American assholes.
I'm actually super sad how they didn't keep me working their. The manager when she sent me with the fire note said sorry under her breath bc how they didn't like me. She felt super sorry. It's my fault for not listening to her and just working at the Italian coffee stand. I didn't know she was warning me that the guy didn't like me. I feel so stupid.
I shouldn't talk about this. I'm
Getting a head ache just thinking about the assholes that made me poor that time. Like I really needed money bc my online business didn't make money anymore. And I went out on a leg when I left Walmart to work at the airport. I was super happy at Walmart. I just wanted airport discounts and a way of finding out what jobs I could get to get discount airfare. I hate how I didn't get to work there when I needed that money. I especially start working when it feels like my boyfriend wants to throw me out of the house. He acts a certain way. It started when Melody took me to the psych ward. He never treated me badly before. Melody really fucked up our relationship up.
Oh well. Asian people love me that's why I went into the nail business. Mexican Americans would murder me if they had the chance.
When I was in elementary school I remember the parents of my Mexican American friends give me the dirtiest looks and that the same look that the airport employee gave me. That's why I don't smile and that's why I always come off as negative. Bc of all the Mexican Americans I grew up with and how they never wmbraced me. I don't even know what they think about when they see me. But people say I look white. And the older I get I keep finding out how Mexican Americans want white peoplw dead. The thing I don't understand that that type of thinking is going to the white Mexican Americans too it not just the black Mexican Americans. I don't know why they don't like me but it hasn't always made me depressed bc of how rich they truly are. The grocery stores are cheaper the cost of living is cheaper and they never make it easy for me to succeed in their society. I wish sometimes I would have grown up around Italian people so I wouldn't feel like such a minority. I feel really alone sometimes bc no one knows what it's like to see a people of similar semblance and then find out how they don't like how you smell or something. Like they really don't like me.
Did you know potatoes come from Peru and Bolivia originally. Also tomatoes come from Mexico. I have an idea that for that reason alone their is so much racism against South Americans or latinos. I think people hated them so much bc of all the wonderful food they got to eat and how rich the soil is there. Like there is so much sun exposure and maybe that is also why latinos are so freaking stuck up.
When I was little I thought potatoes were from Ireland.
Did you know that the rich area I was living in one point had so many Italians. They had so many Italian reaturants. When I left they all started shutting down. It was super sad bc I loved it over there. No one ever gave me dirty looks. They just liked smiling with me. Italians are leaving this state bc how I saw so many reaturants close down.
Did you know there are a bunch of white kids that don't get hired and that's why their parents send them to a psych ward. Like summer she couldn't ever get a job ever. It was a really hard ordeal. Like all the food restaurants are full of Mexican American families. And don't get fooled just bc you think they dont look Latino has you all wrong. Bc most people in this state are always linked to that family. And most of the food industry is linked for generations. Meaning blue collars society isn't fair they hire their relatives. I could never get a job were my parents lived unless an Asian person was manager. Latinos hate me. You can tell they're latinos by the way they talk. They talk different.
I can smell the cigarettes coming off my skin. I also feel a little itchy. It's gross how I can smell the cigarettes. I can't wait till my body cleanses itself. I miss walking at night when the moon is down and lighting up the whole floor and not being scared walking about. I can't go out at night and feel the cool breeze without getting scared. It's horrid.
I want skin free of cigarettes.
I want you to start reading the old books you read while you were the most horny when you were young and start masterbating. When you do that you will remember how straight you are. You need to stop thinking about the books you read as an adult and the stupid things woman did to you. There are so many variables that I'm afraid your not really thinking. I don't know if your still experimenting. I just know that you kept hanging out with witches and they don't give a rat ass about you. Read books Kelly. Read books Kelly. Stop letting propaganda hurt you. Just bc it's easy to talk to men don't think your gay. It's not normal to me. I don't like how you gave up on everything you wanted in life.
I care this much bc you were my ex and I was like the fist of things to come and I don't know how many crazy bitches hurt you. Please wake up. You like small boobs. And an hour glass shape. You keep dating woman who have a new book of shapes. That's why your crazy. You need an hour glass shape and small boobs. And virginal in the head. Not some slut bag meaning woman that want to say and tell you how experienced they are and how they don't respect men. Like the lack of respect is what is driving you crazy. Wake up. You like a size 9 or 10. I didn't come up to you. You came up to me and that is what I was. Wake up animal. Your an animal. Don't let anything confuse you.
I'm being a bitch by talking to you while I have a boyfriend but he might kill me any day. So I'm keeping alert everyday so I don't get too comfortable and remember everything I wanted when I was young.
I can't believe you kept dating fat people. I couldn't believe it. Like super fat. You wonder why your a transgender. Fat people are really angry people and they don't know how to be nice. They're really mean people and they fuck with people's minds as much as those super skinny people do.
Maybe that's why I'm fat now bc I think you want a fat woman. Do you know I'm super fat. Like super fat now. I'm gonna go back to being skinny again. Maybe I won't ever get to anomic skinny but I'm gonna be skinny. Everyone of my friends said that all your gfs were super ugly. Bc they were super fat. I'm not superficial and neither are they but really that's why your unhappy. You're not attracted to fat woman you loser.
Those fat girls made you crazy. They really fucked up your head and the way you look at sex. Did you also know fat girls are not fertile and they don't give off as much estrogen. Maybe being around so many fat girls you kept being around too much testosterone and now you think your gay. No way are you gay your porn didn't even have men that's what you told me back in the day that it grossed you out to see me men. I'm not trying to be a bully. But you really need to take perspective about what you like. I also noticed all the girls you date don't wear dresses when your with them. They dress like tom boys. GO look for miss daisy lady miss Gracie. Stop being gay. You made me cry for hours. I don't know how to get over you but watching you be gay is the worst. I
I got so much beauty sleep. I woke up at 3. I'm at Starbucks being stuck up and I haven't bought cigarettes. I feel happy that I'm doing this. I tried the new southern style sausage of chicken and bacon. It's super good. There is like white gravy on it.
I had a dream that this guy was trying to go out with me for a year. His name was Aron. On the day of the date I wasn't ready on time and he didn't knock at the door. So I didn't pick up the phone. And I told everyone that why I don't like him. He eventually left so I went in and out with my family and found his friends. They said Aron was supposed to go out with Marilyn. Then I introduced myself to see if it was my Aron and it was. I called Aron and we met up or we go on the phone trying to catch up. He was really mad that I stood him up. He was this really hot rockabilly guy. He didn't look like anyone I know I just know he was super hot and tall and big. At Starbucks I sat down next to a guy in a wheel chair permanently. It was nice of him for letting me sit. If there was a guy I was attracted to I would have sat next to him. I never see cute guys that I'm attracted to. One time there was this guy he was super tall and big. He had blonde hair. We were both attracted but neither us did anything to start talking. When we met our mouths just dropped. He started talking to my dog and smiled at me. He's like the only guy on the street I've found attractive in the whole time I've been in O Sii. There was one more but really it's funny how they both lived by the coast. Like you would think I would find more men I'm attracted to. I never do. The other guy was a short blonde boy and he was also attracted to me.
I went grocery shopping and after the food was loaded into the car by the worker. I really wanted a cigarette but I didn't go buy any. I just remembered the pain I get when I smoke and said no to myself. Also today I didn't have social anxiety disorder or any stress. I think cigarettes make me very anxious and stressed out bc they're not accepted in this society. Like all the signs up make me go a little insane. It felt really nice going to the grocery. It made me miss working there like a lot.
What annoyed me today is that I couldn't do simple math equation in my head.
The total was 71.64. I had 60 dollars for groceries and more money from my savings. So I didn't get why the change was about 8 dollars and something after putting down another 20 on top of the 60. Like in my head I thought I had to get 10 dollars back. So I pulled out the calculator and understood everything.
This type of ordeal makes me feel like I'm retarded, but most people now a days can't do this equations in there head. I'm starting to think that maybe I need to do math work on paper to work up my muscle in my brain like you said if you don't practice you will lose it completely. . I kept deducting the money I had from the total and not deducting the from the actual money I had. Like that's pisses me off like no other.
Im gonna walk the dog and do excercise since I'm not paranoid or stressed out.
The reason I know people can't do math in their head is bc every time I worked at places I've noticed that they can't do math in their head and many customers are like wow that's amazing how you calculated that in your head. People are so dumb you could steal money from them if the amount wasn't written on the receipt.
I went for a mid long walk and it felt really good to feel fresh air and see the scenery. The only thing I didn't like is how my butt hole hurt after walking past the short period. Since I've gained this certain amount of weight which is massive my butthole has been hurting. Maybe it's not even the pills, maybe it's just being a fat cow. I'm really proud of myself that I went walking and not obsessing about cigarettes. My sweat smells a little sweet. It's nice. Watching myself write these little notes to you makes me wonder why we don't get together and write teen fiction about topics that could really change the world from debauchery. It would be so much fun. I wish my intellectual friends that went to college and graduated were not drug addicts. They're all losers. If they were not I would have worked hand in hand with them to allocate some expenditure money. Oh well. I noticed that I'm stir crazy. When I'm
Amongst people and doing things I don't ever hear voices or my inner self speaking to me. Or scary nonsense. Like I think being social anxiety and not moving and taking lsd pills from the psychiatrist made me crazy. But being off them and just doing what is best for myself puts me at ease.
I'm scared bc my psychiatrist appointment is coming up soon. And I'm gonna have to tell her that I haven't been taking my Meds bc She skippied out on me. And I'm gonna have to tell her that I want to get off of the Meds to try and have children. And I'm scared she will want to put me in the psych ward. I'm super scared. Let's pray. Jesus please let me walk out of my appointment without her restraining me there. Amen. I don't know what's gonna happe. But she has to know that taking medicine and having kids could cause the children brain damage I hope I get to be off them by her order and she doesn't start telling me that I'm
Not fit to be a mother or some fucking thing. I'm so scared Kelly. When I tell you my deepest desires I know they will come true bc you start to believe in Jesus with me and always pray and Jesus loves you so much that he makes my dreams come true. Like I hope I get to walk out of there. If I don't I will just enjoy the food at the hospital and try to act as normal as possible.
I promise you I'm gonna start taking care of myself. I'm going to look for my begging through advanced math and start doing some math on paper so I can start using that part in my Brain. Even if my brain got cooked by the pills I'm gonna start working out the little brain I have. When I'm done I hopefully will be able to do math in my head again. I don't hate myself bc as retarded as I am I could still work the register when I worked at the store. So I can still function. I was even able to get to work on time everyday. Im actually proud of myself.
Before one of my best friends new I was being tortured in the psychiatrist chair she wanted to get and pick out all my art work. She wanted to take me to l a g u n a Beech to sell my art work. I loved the idea but she never took me bc she knows people out there that know people. I always knew that there was a cute little art center there but I didn't know how to get there or if my work was even good enough. She said it was. It's so weird bc she is not artistic but she always knows people who own little art exsibits. I hate her for not investing time with me like the old days.
Melody is fucked up. She did the same thing to Alex. She wrote personal letter to each of his friends and told them that he was violent and crazy. Taking Meds. Basically she ostracized him from the people who love him. That's the kind of bitch my sister is. She did after he started looking at girls on dating websites. I don't know what I did to piss her off but she was envious of me. And wanted me brain dead. I feel bad for Alex. Alex looked at woman bc Melody was always at work and when she finally did come home she would be a bitch like she was with me.
I'm going to make an appointment with the doctor and find out what's wrong with my back. My mom hit my back she may have broken a bone and it's misplaced. I can't stand for long periods bc it hurts so much. I'm gonna have figure out how to fix it. Maybe that's why my butt hole hurts. Who the hell knows.
I want to fuck you over for money. I want you living close to me and working. I want to be your best friend and I want to take all your free monitory expenditures. I want to train you and teach you how to get that big paying job. I'm sick of how loose your brain is and how you don't think outside the box. You could be buying me art supplies and cute dresses and make up.no one knows how much I like dominating you. It's like my guilty pleasure. I get bored with everyone bc it's really hard to crack you down and when I do it I feel accomplished.
You need to come back so we can be friends and you can get out of poverty. All your ex's don't use you the right way. They just use you like some playboy and that's not cool bc your way more than that. That's why I really wish we were best friends again.
In Jesus name amen.
I won't even be able to donate money to any church as poor as I am.
Why haven't you written about all the witches you've dated and how insane they really are. Like I don't understand how you could date all these witches and not warm people about how abusive they are. Personally I would of been really scared and not known what dto do. Actually I do. When I meet crazy witches I try to turn them Christian and tell them how their mental acuity is scued. I hate. It having many friends that take me shopping. It's bc I have social anxiety disorder. I need more friends that can buy me stuff and help me out of problems.
Throw away everything your witches have you. I threw away everything you gave me just in case it had witch craft or some spell. It scared me.
If I was married I wouldn't of sent one letter to you bc that would be the most horrid thing. I'm scared of my boyfriend bc he not in love with me anymore like he used to be when we were rich bc he didn't know about psychiatrists. He poor now bc of all the money that is spent to make me normal supposedly I'm. Not normal. I hate my life how I do t get to save anyone from psychologist anymore. That's what I did with summer
This is a new fiction I'm working on. It's a many of stories that entice me.
Basically Kelly I used to think you were a drug dealer and that you would spend all your money on prostitutes. I broke up with you bc I thought that you would never get out of wanting them on your cock. It would piss me off all the time how you couldn't save any money from your real job to buy me anything. Take off all the stuff I did off your chest and remember how much of a virgin I was. I was in love with you and didn't care but honestly I was always scared around you.
I used to get mad bc I needed to convince you to get away for those woman you paid to be with. Cuz I know you were not poor. You just couldn't stop wanting pretty woman. When you lost your connections and job importantly job you stated dating fat woman. And that's when they mind fucked you and chemically ducked you to make you think you were gay. I don't know what's worse the prostitues or the fat woman.
You know you said to break up with him many, many, many months ago. I didn't know why you wanted me to break up with him and it didn't make any sense to me. I want to break many fucking plates and yell. This morning I woke up and made breakfast after he had breakfast. Then he went into the shower and I started to go to sleep. So then I started to wake up and notice it was taking forever and I walk in on him with his tiny computer and masterbating. He wouldn't let me see what was on the screen. It could be porn or it could be some other girl he's masterbating with. There's this pretty blonde girl that keeps talking down to me in her head and giving me dirty looks. She keeps flirting with my boyfriend. It's driving me insane. I don't like this or want to know that he's gonna leave me. It makes me want to go look for another boyfriend and cheat on him or break up with him and leave with someone anyone.
I haven't smoked cigarettes in many days now.
The other part of me doesn't want to leave him and it's maddening bc I've grown so comfortable. I hate how handsome he is. I hate how cute he is. I hate how charming he is. Like there is never a fucking day that a woman doesn't throw themselves at him. I don't know how to handle it. I don't even know what they see in him but it's always everyday a flirting bitch around us. Like if he had marriage rings would it stop. I really wonder. I hate all of this nonsense. . .
He never haves sex with me in the morning. Like never. Why are we so unlucky Kelly. I think about all the girlfriends you have and how. Othing good ever came about it. Life sucks.
That blonde pretty girl is in the dog park everyday we go out she comes out. It's like she communicates to him in the head or else she's sees us through her window I don't know. But I want to fucking grab her by the hair and throw her on the ground and punch the living shot out of her. I'm sick of how she talks to my boyfriend. I want to break her smile with my fist. I want to tear out her vocal chords. I'm sick of how she laughs around my boyfriend and stars talking like a little girl.
Also why the fuck don't ugly men ever fucking flirt with me. If I had an ugly man maybe I wouldn't be so unhappy.
I didn't notice it at first but over time I've noticed that he reminds of marilyn m a n so n. Only he has something softer and better.
Why do girls flirt with him if they know I'm his girlfriend. It's super fucking rude.
Well back to the blonde girl. I really want to fuck her up and hurt her. I never wanted to hurt someone so bad. She is like the only one that flirts with him every single day. And I'm sick of how she talks to my dog. Like leave my dog alone you fucking slut. Get the fuck away from my boyfriend and my dog you fucking white trash whore. I hate her.
Vernon flirts with the blonde girl a lot. It I'm not sure how much true flirting it is. Bc he never gets a boner for her. Maybe he just wants to lift my self esteem, but just in case I'm wrong pray for me like you did when we were boyfriend and girlfriend. Remember you prayed that I would be with a rich man that would make me as happy as you. Well this time I need you to pray again and I want specifics. Like he has to flirt with me like crazy, he has to have a million dollar house, he has to love me like crazy. I don't know what I want. I'm scared. He has to make the first move. I prayed for a millionaire mormon boyfriend he came but he didn't flirt with me strongly and he ended up killing himself. Like that's how much bad energy surrounds me. You have to pray that this guy is willing to take me from my boyfriend and doesn't get intimidated like the Mormon guy. Please pray for me bc I don't want to end up homeless bc of that blonde beautiful skinny sexy white trash lady. She has her meat hooks on my boyfriend. I need to leave soon. Pray that he hates psychologist. Pray that he will go rollerblading with me. Pray that he lives by the beach. Or I am woling to move anywhere I want to move. Pray that he has a huge penise the one I'm used to. Pray that he will buy me Jewlery and food. Pray that he will help me think better. I need a husband this time not a boyfriend. Pray that I at over my boyfriend so I don't cry over him. Please Kelly. Pray for me. I know you love me more than anyone and that's why you don't come back bc you want me around riches always. Maybe his dick needs to be bigger so I bleed. I'm sorry I sound dirty but me. Want blood.
But that's what men want blood.
He needs to speak Spanish. I don't want a dark guy ok. I want him to be educated. A bit Bohemian. Maybe like a hipster. He has to see my beauty not my flaws. He has to help me speak and relax me. He has to be a little older than me not super older than me. He has to be blondish like you and my boyfriend. I don't want super dark or super blonde. He has to marry me like super fast not like years of torture.
I want a boyfriend that can afford Valentino clothing and all the cute little expensive french stuff I like. I want him to be silly like me how I like talking down to rude people and they don't even see it. I want him to be the type of guy who won't tip a waitresss if she doesn't do what I say exsactly. I want him to be childish like me and make silly faces and play. I want him to be able to read me like a book the way you did. Like know what's wrong even if I don't say a word. I don't want a drug addicts. Or an alcoholic. I want a blogger. Like I want him to blog with me. I want someone that will skip with me and kiss me in public. I don't want someone saying no more pda. I want him to give me surprises. I want someone who can afford a personal cleaner meaning someone who can pay a bitch to build me a fish tank and clean it. Bc I use fishes to clean the air and to think better and to protect people. The fucker better buy me a big fish tank. I want him to be insanely about my face like all those other men but not like a serial killer. I want him to want to adorn me with riches. Not nasty kisses.
I want him to be able to buy me a body guard or buy me friends. Like I don't ever want to. A alone. I want someone who is strong enough to fight off witchcraft. I want someone who can afford many cars. I want someone to love me for how sin burn I am. Like he has to love me like crazy like summer did when she would see my sun burn and cry about it. In Jesus name. Please pray with me Kelly.
He has to be tall like you Kelly. I want someone tall. Not short. He has to buy me all the. Shoe collections I want. He has to help me learn how to organize. He has to help me with everything and help me be a better person.
I'm not crazy for asking for this. I see so many poor people men buy their girlfriends rich people normal stuff. Always. Like everyone I know. I want a rich man who can buy me Valentino and doesn't act like it's unordinary. I want this rich man to be able to walk around without taking showers and wearing rags. I don't want a stuck up asshole. I want him to be a man looking for a wife and I want him to disguise himself as a poor man and when he meets me I want him to blow his cover. He probably has to be an o Sii man. But I want to be the the one that takes him out of here. Like he's probably oblivious to how rich he is and doesn't move to much. I want to be the hand that moves his chess piece across the board and helps him get out of trouble.
I want him to have books. Many books. And I want him to hate most of them. So we can make fun of writers. I don't want him to bc a musician. He has to know how to burn off my belly fat. I want him to stare deep into my eyes and I don't care if they're brown but they have to have the same power over me that blue eyes do. It might be hard bc I only attract blue range eyes.
He has to be able to break down all my barriers and walls and locks. He might even have to rape me and run away with me. I'm a really hard pussy to get into. Ok. And that scares me sometimes bc I'm still not married. I want him to know about all the things that scare me. Also if he doesn't know Spanish at least let him know french. He has to be able to take the pain from my heart like the scar arches I feel. He has to pray with me to god almighty alpha and omega.
I'm asking you to pray for me bc I can't compete with that blonde woman. Like I really can't. And I'm scared. I need to run before this all gets really nasty in my face and see them fucking one day when I come
Home from work. Like I'm really scared about this. Pray that it doesn't happen. Pray that she stays away. I'm not a sinner he cheated on me with an Asian woman I'm sure in spirit. It sure in the flesh. I found hikkies on him. I want my Valentino man. Pray that I get a Valentino man. I want to get super in love and I want to feel closer to god around him.
I went to one of my clients today. She asked about my boyfriend so I showed her the picture. She says he does look like marilyn ma n S on . So I just found out I'm not crazy. It's not all in my head. She said to go to another dog park so that she won't be flirting with my boyfriend anymore.
My delusion is that we all live double lives and that we do other things in the other lives. I've seen some pretty crazy things. Like sorta like a doppelg a n ger.
My client said that he looks Russian. She also said that you probably suffer from seasonal depression. She said people in Ore gone don't have enough sun and they end up doing really weird things. She doesn't know what you've done but she knows that you've changed.
What if I'm really dating marilyn m a n s o n and I only get to see one side of his life. In this world I think anything is possible. Only Jesus can save us from the impossible. I used to have a crush on him in high school. As an adult I'm not into him bc of his beliefs religion and political stance. All of my boyfriends friends have a lot to do with Satan. They even have a satanic band. That's why I'm saying all of this. My delusion isn't baseless. That's why I lost sense of reality for a long time. Pray for me Kelly. Pray for me.
They've changed to be Christian supposedly. His friends that is. I don't know what will happen. I'm scared bc when im in the room alone something sidomizes me. It hurts. I hate being in my apartment. Pray that whatever the hell is touching my body leaves. I burned incense today to get things out. Im gonna buy safe tomorrow. I actually still feel the lung damage from quoting smoking. I can't wait till my body repairs itself.
I think my boyfriend sodomizes me in the spirit realm when he thinks I'm cheating bc he can read my mind.
Look up seasonal depression. It's a real thing. Your too fucking pasty white and all you drink is coffeee. Drinks looks of gallons of milk so your bones stay healthy and cookies. Milk. Milk. Maybe then you will remember what you wanted in life. I want Valentino man bc I'm not pink like all the boyfriends I've had.
Maybe pray that I end up with some me x I c a n or s p a n I s h man. They never flirt with me bc for some reason they're not attracted to me but I notice those men always get married. I'm not attracted to them either so I don't know what I need. I want a soda can man. Ok. I'm scared but maybe only a soda can man will marry me. He has to be white whatever's happens. I love you but you divorced me ok. Pray for me always so I don't end up poor. I need money to fight off all the evil around my life.
Maybe I. Need a sweedish man bc everyone says I look sweedish.
I'm not attracted to you. I'm attracted to your money. So don't think you can get another sweedish woman bc we like money. Not looks. You had clean money. A lot of spaniards and other races have dirty money.
When I was 17 I met a soda can man and ran screaming. He was Spanish I think. I've never thought a soda can man would be real but they're real. Maybe I need a soda can man slash Valentino man so I can get the fucker to marry me. I'm sick of having to talk about how I was raped and how damaged I a man wha wha wha I want a real man who won't take me for granted. Someone who will live me and stop flirting with the whole world of woman.
I started screaming and chanting that I wanted to die bc he wouldn't stop putting on porn. Like for a long time I was forced to watch porn. He then said he would never look at it. Like I really went crazy bc of porn. So pray that the next person Valentino man hates porn. I couldn't sleep bc of the porn. I was psychologically disturbed. That's why I started blogging so much and no one knows about it. I don't want porn near me again. Everyone thinks I'm crazy for no reason or acting weird not crazy. It's the porn that made me weird. I can't think the same.
I can't stop laughing. The day after writing you I got a phone call from a rich neighborhood and the day after another phone call from the same region but different number. So I called the first number and a man answered. I hung up but noticed it was not a business. No one has called me back, but what if one of those were Valentino man. Lol. Hahahah So I've been thinking I should call back and ask if anyone is in need of a nail service. Oh Valentino man had a very fancy name and I can't remember it and a nice voice. His name was something like Rupert or Jacob. I don't know. I'm a little scared to call back; I never thought Valentino man would be so easy to find, but honestly with you nothing is ever hard. Whatever we pray about together always happens.
So here is another prayer. Please put an end to cancer Jesus. I don't want cancer. Like make sure I don't get cancer or enfisema.
Lately I've been sleeping all day and night so I don't start smoking. Like I'm basically sleeping till all the need of smoking leaves my body. When I do wake up I just watch social media; I've been really grossed out by all the cooking videos bc they're like wildness cooking.
My skin is turning whiter. It's weird how the cigarettes are leaving my body and I still have the faint smell of cigarettes in my flesh. I'm sure it will all pass soon enough and I will vibrate with beauty. Today my chest hurts a little bit but hopefully the pain will leave soon.
Wilderness *
Valentino man sounded so flirty on the phone. I didn't just hang up. I called and asks swjo is this? Then he sounded flirtatious and said his name. I hung up. I feel dumb. It I'm just gonna say that my cellphone has a bad region when I call back again. And I'm gonna ask hi are you one of my clients referrals. Hopefully he says yes and wants me to do his nails. Then I'll drive over to his house and do his nails. When I arrive that's when all the action will commence and he will start to flirt with me. Like he lives by the coast and the expensive side. Hopefully he is Valentino man. Imagine we just become friends. I don't know what to expect but it's super cool. Personally I think I'm ugly inside and out but everyone says I'm pretty inside and out so I'm assuming Valentino man will drop on the floor for me.
I'm scared. Imagine he's a soda can man, the kind that can afford soda and always walks around with soda. I just hope he's a gentleman that's why I always carry protection with me like defense mechanism not like condom protection. I'm actually excited to go to his house. I hope Valentino man wants a manicure and pedicure. I hope it really is my prayer answered. Bc frankly I'm sick of not having it all. I want it all and I want to be like deeply in love and I want someone's undivided attention. I'm sick of being with a ladies man. I want some sleek hipster Valentino man hopeless romantic. Someone that helps me be a better me. And I desperately want soda man so I get some respect from the soda position. Imagine he owns a cute little boat and I can go boating with him. Or he asks me to do his manicure on the boat. Imagine he gives me a 20 dollar tip. Lol. If Valentino man doesn't want my services. It's ok. I'll get over it.
I went on the Valentino website and all the purses make me super horny. I hate sounding so atrocious, but Valentino is super sexy. I need to start losing weight so I can fit into the Valentino clothing. Please keep praying for Valentino man to arrive just in case Rupert or whatever his name
Isn't Valentino man. I love all the punk rock studs on Valentino. It's like the sexiest ever. Please pray for me. If I do end up married to Valentino man I'm going to donate money to my favorite church. So that the missionary work can keep being done. Your like my skizzie priest. Whatever I want I just ask you to pray and it happens. Skiezzie bc you won't talk to me in forever. Valentino is so sexy. I'm screaming.
There's like Valentino outlet stores where the stuff is like 75 or 50 percent off. I've always wanted to go buy a purse bc they're super sexy cute but I've never done it bc part of me hates middle class how they dress like upper class. I don't like money or clothing that entail a money like all the rest of our society. But honestly if I could afford it I would wear Valentino everyday. I love their super soft leathers and fine tailoring. Everything they make is scrumptious. If I never meet Valentino man I won't faint but if I do I hope he's a humble person and not obnoxious. It would have to be this way for it to ever work. They have knock off valentino heels on eBay but I haven't bought them bc it feel dirty to wear them. They don't say Valentino but they have the studded heels. I would wear a jean jacket with tie dye and studds with patches of my favorite bands and Valentino skirt and heels. A silk blouse with lace bra that would expose my nipples. I would wear panty hose. And a gorgeous Valentino purse next to Valentino man. Maybe Valentino man will take me to all the concerts I've wanted to go to. Maybe he has a room where I get to scream for days without being thrown into a psych hospital. Maybe I don't know what.
I feel super good after all these days of beauty rest but I can still smell the cigarettes on my flesh. It's super gross. I don't smell all virginal the food thing is no one ever notices the smell. I still have a yellow coloring to my skin I can't wait till the pink white comes out and shines through. I must sound horrid to some since I'm going on about Valentino man, but considering my disposition in life and the possibilities to arise I don't think I'm horrendous for wanting that type of man. First I won't proceed with the list of reasons why I need such a person but know that I will need it or rather want it. One of the facts I can bring up is that I might have cancer in the future and Valentino man will afford the cancer treatments. Also he can afford the doctors I need to get rid of the parasites. I've been abused by so many people it's disgusting. I need a romantic way of alleviating myself from all the monstrosities. If it is the man I called first I'm already in love with his voice. He has a super sexy voice. Also as a child rape victim I think the least I could have is someone give me everything I can't ever get back in another form. I won't ever be those boring woman I grew up with still in the same town with their kids and there white picket fences. It just didn't happen. So yeah I might sound horrid but I hope I get to be sexy Valentino woman. I'll be so skinny that I'm never gonna wear a bra and if I do it will be super exposed. Also my rapist is still after me and still after money. He thinks my dad left me so much money. He the reason why I got thrown into the psych. Ward. I want someone who can protect me from all the evil men I've ever met.
Just two days ago I saw him walking around my property. I don't know what he was doing here but is scared the living crap out of me. His sister and her daughters want a restraining order. Just bc I accused them of hitting my car purposefully. They say it was an accident. All they do is take money from my parents. I never did. It's weird. I want someone who will believe me when I say I have a rapist and promise me to protect me from them. My older car breaks were cut. Like it couldn't of been my rapist.
Part of me says that if I do make this new friend I need to not say anything about anything that would disturb them. Like I'm gonna have to be silent. Like super silent about my problems. When bad things do show up then i will commence to speak about them. I sound so fracking crazy asking to meet a Valentino man but anything is possible. Did you know that I think I have the facial features that I do bc of my rapist. Like I think my whole body changed after being raped. I look more like my rapist and my body stopped growing. Like I was supposed to be super tall and also I never slept growing up bc of the rapist. Did you know I have self esteem issues I don't tell anyone bc I look like my rapist. I hate my face, like a lot. No one says it but when a virgin loses their virginity they end up looking like the husband. Also sometimes when I'm alone I feel his presence and it feels like I'm in his body. When I was little I used to hit myself a lot bc I hated thinking about him and I would abuse my body. I don't tell anyone. I also would not wear my seat belt so I could die in a car accident. I hate not having myself inside me and my rapist is obsessed with me. When I was growing up he would touch my breast. It was gross. After I started hitting my boobs. No one beloved me. They keep calling me insane. Even my skin color reflects my rapist colors of skin. My skin was whiter before the rape. I hate him. I feel like evil follows me more easily since I got raped.
Next time someone gets raped and they know who it is. I hope they send them to another country not to a psychologist and therapist. Bc all you breed is someone who learns and grows to hate you even more. Before it was lust and passion but after the whole societal onset it set in your teaching a monster how to hate and procure more evil. If someone rapes a girl they're supposed to send them off to another country and never talk to them again. Not send them to a therapist and allow them to have quartly visit just bc they're family. I hope one day little girls get vindicated. Little girls are so precious to the world and when you break a little girl down who knows what else is broken down in life. A woman is capable of doing so many beautiful things when they get raped they becomes evil monsters and scary people. It takes a lot of skill to make them sweet again.
Also little girls that get raped never get any respect in society and no on ever takes them seriously after. They never procure any real wealth in society, and end up in the most horrendous situations in life. But honestly after being raped I think I fused out and my IQ was lowered by a lot of numbers. I didn't interact the same and I didn't act the same. I didn't have that love of life I once had. I also got more abusaive behavior around me.
Do you remember the white dress I used to wear around you. I still have it and I just pretend you took my virginity. I really do. I smile and laugh. But honestly it's gross to think I wore a diaper when my virginity was taken. It's super gross. It even gross how that rapist acts as if he never raped me.
Once I was in the car with him when I was a teenager and he broke my jaw. He said that if I told anyone he would hurt me, he was getting a professional liscensure. I still can't chew correctly. He made my whole family think I would get a gun and shoot them bc he had me thrown out of my parents house. So they put me on a 5150. I have social anxiety bc of him and I don't know what else he is capable of doing to me. I hate how my sisters still hang out with him and everyone and they act like he's an innocent angel. Like it's insane what I've had to endure. I don't like thinking about it but it used to make me cry a lot. I'm not crazy. My Christian boyfriend that would have married me broke up with me in high school when he found out I was raped. It's super ugly. This whole thing is super ugly. Really freaking ugly. So I hope I get soda can man Valentino man. And I hope he asks me to marry him. And I hope I get to cry myself to sleep in silk Valentino handkerchiefs and get a gate with an alarm system so I don't have to worry about my rapist coming after me. I want my tear drops on a Valentino hakerchif. I hope if he marries me it's in a rush like no other with no one invited. I won't even introduce him to my family. I'll say my family is in a weird religion so I don't talk to them. Maybe I won't have a wedding dress with with my hymen stuck to it but I'll have tear drops on a Valentino hakerchief.
I had a dream about you the other day. I dreamed that you said we needed to go over to your first roommates that I met years ago. So you said we needed to go over there to break a curse they put on us. So we went and they were still living together and we talked to them. That's all I remember. It was a scary dream.
Also I want to tell you something scary. Your the only one that ever cried with me over my virginity. It's touching, but also scary. It's something scary about how people don't care. So I don't know who you are or what you are but you are something and that something lets me write for posterity.
Did you know that the lawyers and the court case that happened about my rape was hideous. Like after I was raped I became mute for a long time and I couldn't speak. I remember they put me infront of the court and they wanted to to talk and I couldn't. I think the papers just say that he molested me. It doesn't say he raped me. I remember everything he did and how much it hurt and how my own life was threatened.
I hate to say it but there is some kind of sexieness in losing one virginity that you can't get anywhere else. And that's why I hate sex. I don't like thinking about it one bit. I hate sex. I hate sex a lot. I hate it. I don't know what else to say.
I hate how my childhood was taken away and my eyes were like veiled open. Otherwise I wouldn't have ever thought about sex until much later in life. I like scratching chalkboards to take all my feelings of embarrassment. I feel like some whore. And scratching helps take that feeling out. I like scractching.
Some people say it isn't but it is. There is a double standard when it comes to sex for men and woman. If you were to ask me, I would say there isn't a double standard, but the loss a woman endures is far greater than the loss of a man. The only thing I like thinking about is how you made me feel like I was a virgin. I don't know what you did or what it was but it was memorable and in the same token embarrassing. I'm embarrassed to speak up, but I want to get out what I've never been able to get out. Everyone in my town like friends I grew up with got married and some of them even have kids. I'm just thankful you didn't break up with me when I told you I was a rape victim. A lot of boyfriends broke up with me bc of it and left me for virgins. It's really sad.
You know what I think about. Why did my rapist rape me? Why didn't he want to see me walk down the isle in a white dress and in love. Why didn't he want a wholesome relationship with me. Why did he have to hurt me so much? I come up with so many ideas of why he did what he did and it never makes me feel any better. Like if I was in his shoes and I was that horny man I wouldn't do it. Like I would of got a gf at high school and had sex with her. Why me a little girl. Like why did he have to make me lose my future as a woman? It just doesn't make any sense.
I listened to all the videos and made delicious Indian food. It's amazing.
After being raped my mom didn't treat me like a little girl anymore. She wouldn't do anything for me and expected me to cook and clean. I'm grateful for that bc I have amazing cooking skills. The food I made today was so delicious. I don't consider her my mom when I think about her. Now that she's older she stopped being deranged and treating me badly. She likes acting like I raped the person who raped me. She comes to me with love but sometimes she acts deranged and I get scared. So I don't have a mother and to be honest I've never told you this before but I don't have a father either. My dad cries about his older daughter and says the rapist raped her but I didn't. My mom told everyone that the rapist molested me. My older sister and I were raped. My mom says that my older sister raped the rapist. I don't know what happened but my older sister says he raped her. So it's like I don't exist. My dad doesn't cry or feel sorry for me nor does my mom. I don't like them bc of that. Since I moved out I just act like they were buried. I don't like how they never felt sorry for me or anything. My older sister and my younger sister get my parents to sign big money ordeals. I don't. It's like I dont exists.
I don't care what they say I remember every drop of blood that bled out from me and I remember every time they act like I'm
Not their daughter.
So I hope I get to be a stuck up bitch one day with a Valentino handkerchief crying.
My pen name is Penny Lane and all this above unedited bullshit is mine just to let you know I'm am not affiliated with the owner of this blog named Kelly burner.
Please pray that I don't end up with someone who likes anal sex. I don't want a rich man taking advantage of my body. I plan to lose weight and get in shape to find a rich husband. But I don't want an anal sex husband.
You should go look for a virgin so you can have a future with more wealth than I could have ever given you. I'm tired of seeing you jaded and doing witchcraft with Alex and Jessica Henry. I don't know how to say it but you need to date a skinny beautiful virgin so you don't become hideous inside and out. I'm not ever gonna forgive you if you don't try to get closer to god almighty and ask him for his protection everyday you've married me. Bc I don't know how to say it but I'm not easy to understand or easy in any respect. I maybe ruined your life by taking your virginity and you need to prove me wrong somehow.
I know something most doctors wouldn't ever admit to saying but sex is a double standard. The rapist has two kids with his expensive wives and I have a room full of imaginary friends in my head. I don't know how to say it but I'm sure my cosmetic surgery is the only way I could forget who raped me. I don't want to tell you how much I love you but I won't forget the handkerchief you can't afford. I hate how rich I want to be to make me feel better about how I can't have kids. My womb was broke when I was four. Do you know how many tears I want to dirty a Valentino hankerchief with. That's how dirty I am in the head now.
I'm thankful I have a place to write to you bc I get scared easily. Everything scares the living soul out of me. Believe it or not a moment ago I heard my neighbor slap a whip on the floor and it made me jump on the bed.
To be honest I don't want you married to anyone, I will always have a crush on you and I can't rip it out of me. I don't want to lose you ever. It hurts. Like you said I helped you open this blog. If you get married you might shut it down and I will never have someone hear my voice the way you hear mine.
You know what Kelly burner it's not like someone just raped me at a club or some ghetto place or date rape. It was actually a malicious act to destroy my future in my family and that man is still alive walking freely. He could come after me any day now and hurt me. I swear he's the reason why I'm fat and I can't have a normal balance of hormones. If I ever get a chance to get out of these problems, the rapist will do anything to ruin them. He came back when I was getting ready to get married. He came back when I could have gotten married. Instead I'm living like a common whore in the new system of relationships. I scared everyday I don't have a husband that really truly loves me to death do us part. I just have my strong arms to break someone's face in but even those arms are not as strong as the man that could destroy my future. I can't get pregnant bc I really tried to get pregnant. Most woman would be pregnant by this age or by the things I've been doing. I need to marry a man that doesn't want children. Pray that I find a man that doesn't want children. I cried when I had sex with you apart bc I knew I wouldn't be able to give you any children. That's why I left you bc I knew you wanted kids.
Don't stop praying for me to find a rich man bc the rapist has children and the wife wants to murder me already. I have enemies growing. Paul worships Satan. He's a satanist. He has super powers. It's scary. Pray for me. Melody loves him.
Remember the red car I had my first car. It came from the rapist. He bought it with my father's money. That's how much bad luck I had for m at years. Bc back then we thought that he was reformed but he never was. He cursed my car and my head. He even stole extra money from my dad. He always get money from my dad. I don't ever get a penny. My dad is probably scared of him and that's why he always gives him money.
He had my car in his house for months and would not let me have it. Remember when I drove to your apartment and drove home over the hills and through the fog a pentagram was etched on my window. It was super scary. Did some asshole do it or was it a demon. I don't know but I got so many tickets in that car. He cursed it.
I feel your energy all over my body. I can't stop smiling. I'm not even gonna begin to explain what I feel but it's lovely. I even had a few tear drops. I can't stop laughing. I love laughing. It's like I feel your energy. It's like electricity cloud all around me. I'm waving my hands to feel you. It's feel nice. It's like you give me life force to walk I don't feel sick and dejected. I haven't felt you in forever and to be honest that's the only reason why I kept writing. It took way to long.
The blog behind your blog. When I would read your blog long before and even before it was posted I read a lot of stuff you wrote that made me scream and run from you. That's when I started to pray to god for protection from you.
In your blog behind the fluid truth I read that you wanted birth control and you wanted no one to have children. You started doing statistics about how their wasn't enough food to go around and that we really needed humans to stop procreating.
I also read about some really weird regulations that needed to be instilled like the lack of the Bible In schools wasn't enough. You wanted really strict guidelines I enacted in the schools.
I read that you were pro murder and that murder was highly necessary for the advancement of humans.
I read that love wasn't not contingent upon a moment or moments but rather a status one claimed. Meaning one was not lost to love or eloped in love but rather just a blatant statement.
I read that for one to procure any amount of wealth one had to come from real old wealth and that any progress in real societal wealth was a defraudment of the societal stand point.
I read that sexual context and contact was of the highest necessity; but without procreation just for pleasure alone.
I read that the beautification of ones self was for the retrieval of anything from a different party but that In one own grace one had to be ugly and almost even hateful.
I read that you felt you were too good to ever become industrious and that industry didn't deserve you knowledge or investment.
It felt almost like you were stuck on automatic on the automatic freeway button where you drive a certain speed automatically. It felt like you were possessed by demons.
Someone in your life really tainted you and I came in to cut the living fuck out of that damaged part of you.
I hated how you couldn't just succeed in life like all my rotten spoiled friends at the time. I hated how you oogled your own self out of a great reputation amongst your friends.
Everyone sees you like a hippie.
I see the damaged parts and I'm always turned on by them incessantly. Sometimes I question myself as an individual and I psychoanalyze myself. It's bc I'm a a rape victim isn't it. Is that why I'm so sexually attracted to you?
My war against Satan isn't over!
I hate how no one respected you the way I fear you to this day. That's why I get so girl like engaged.
I don't know what you read about me. You never told me. And to this day none of the stuff above was said ever. Bc you never wanted protection. You never wanted protection.
I feel like I tore your whole wall upside down and that to this day you can't think straight the way you did before. That's bc God was and is far greater than I.
you need to be exsorcized and they don't do that anymore. That's why there are so many problems in the world today. They just don't take demons out at Christian churches or anywhere.
My arms won't stop having cuts on them. It's like someone wants it to look like I have breast implants bc my boobs are so big. There a hispanic family I know and they are envious of my german boobs. Like they're doing voodoo on me. And they make the voodoo aparant between me and my boyfriend the closer I get to him the sicker I get. That's why I never posted pictures of you bc I was afraid of them doing voodoo. I'm still scared bc I'm learning you don't need a picture. They're not nice to me.
Also this is the last time I talk about race. I'm tired of describing different creeds on paper.
Since I met you I've had a 5150 on my chest. I used to think it was the demons that are around you that fuck with me. Then I thought it was from Liz bc she doesn't like me. She would murder me if she had the chance. I always have my freedom of speech with you otherwise everyone wants me to look picture perfect and quiet. No one likes hearing anything I have to say. Like they yell and tell me to shut the fuck up. I'm intrigued how you have so many philsophical studies but you never told to back the fuck off. It's the only thing that kept me entrigued.
Like what if the 5150 was inetivable but you being actually kept me standing up a little longer. I dont know which way it is I just know that something has been attacking me viciously since 2005. Did you know we started dating in 2006. I only know this bc my favorite show was on.
When the new earth comes there will be an abundance of food and there will be a residence for each one. Each one will grow what they need and for themselves. They won't have to work for the greater good. There will be no more pain or suffering. Each tear drop that rios will be wiped away. There just gonna be endless happiness and nothing to fear. I know you read like crazy bc you fear the world so much. Don't forget how much I loved you and what we did with that love. We tore the blackish composures we held so dearly.
That blog that you had is something I can't fathom to hold ever just bc I'm Christian.
That's what I read in the Bible and when I fell I. Love with you when I was young I couldn't disprove anything god said. I couldn't explain my love bc honestly to be honest. To be exsactly honest with you. I don't like blonde men. I don't even like men. When we broke up I got really mad one day and broke a bible. I hope god forgives me. That's how much I hated god for ever creating you. I hated how much passion I felt in my body when you were in a room. I can't control myself when I'm around you inside my head the same way you couldn't.
I wanted to be in love with my ex all my life and wake up one day and god tell me the war was over and so was his satanic gf. Instead I met your chemical romance. It's unexplainable.
Satan always touches my ass hole and your the only one that stops it.
I'm only allowed around blonde men now. The brunettes like true ones never come near me.
I don't know why but it just doesn't happen ever. It's kinda creepy bc in high school I was really attracted to brown eyes and brown hair or black hair and white skin. He basically told all the brunettes that I'm a hooker or slut. That's what my ha boyfriend did. I haven't been ok in the head since he did that to me. And every year a blonde man fall crazy in love with me either he was blonde or is. Maybe it's a spell like a witching spell.
.Its creepy how my ex was obsessed with Jews and non Jews. He would go on and on about old time movies and war time incidences. I know your not aware of this but you too are a little too obsessed with these notions only you were really rooted into philosophy. My ex was rooted in history books and memoirs. Why doesn't anyone understand we are the force of havoc when it comes to war time. We fought for freedom, peace and silence. Why do both of you have this fear of your own country when we have made it apparent for decades that we love our people so much that we still have food on the shelves. Even the poorest have food. There is a head that followed me when I said this and it scared the living heck out of me. The head looked like an apes head. That felt like a demon or the hex that the witch put on my ex so he would look at me like an animal and not a human. He never says it but he is dating the race that people say are related to apes. Meaning some Christians think some relatives had sex with apes yet he keeps treating me like I'm that species. I'm related to blonde people. Break the ape spell so people stop acting like they're talking to an ape. I need it broken before Paul and all the family start to lobotomize me again. I can't stand talking and knowing one day the light you wrote about will be shut down. The ape spell needs to die like asap.
Summer was treated like an ape too. Like both of us had that ape curse.
My blood pulse doesn't elevate and I can't lose weight just being seditary. I'm scared of Eunice. She keeps using my mind to stay stable in her house. She says she has problems having orgasms and she likes using me like some sex symbol in her life.
You know sometimes I think I'm a zombie bc I was raped as a kid. It's like I don't get to make my own decisions on any matter. I'm always cut off and I'm always overruled and I can never state the matter that is so vital to any argument in any given situation. My mom always points fingers to Paul underneath all her abuse but honestly I blame Satan. I don't like eluding that the man is that evil that he could have abused a child like me. That which I stated is what I believed for a very long time; now that I'm older I have a very good reason to believe he had a chess board to play out. I was just a little queenie he had to cut out to get what he wanted really young. An apartment without parental control and rulership over his own cock.
I believe that whoever fiesta has sex with you meaning man to woman has the power to destroy you everyday. There is never a day that I don't feel my rapist presence especially since he moved home and after I kicked him out. I feel him in the room right now as I speak. He Ass raped me when I was a little girl and to this day I can't poop. That's why I'm in agony. When I'm thin I can poop a lot better.
Since I stopped smoking cigarettes I can feel Paul all over me reading my mind. HEs into that's shit bc it's the new age religion bullshit I don't know if the cigarettes just made me super dumb or maybe his presence isn't near me bc I'm not smoking. When he's near me I can't spell he sucks at spelling. And it's hard to maneuver my mind around him. I'm scared he might want to kill me or melody for my life insurance policy. Like maybe that's all they've been doing bc they're money grubbing whores. Like they don't believe in soul mates like I do. They do t go to church like I do when I'm in a good mood. Summer my ex best friend is evenascence. Who the fuck am I and who the fuck are you?
I'm trying to unhack our conspiracy theories that are upspoken. My dad is Paul my carktney. Who is you really dad.
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