Monday, January 31, 2011
Do Unto Others
Although the rule is called "golden", every time I hear it I hear it differently. It is easy to agree with something that is stated vaguely. You agree with whatever you would like to have heard.
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«Oldest ‹Older 201 – 400 of 610 Newer› Newest»It also feels like it won't let me breath. Like the cap is the only amount of oxygen I can get. Pray that it stops attaching itself to me and that I can breath. It wasn't mine ever.
It's actually a Lancôme makeup cap. It from a makeup that broke. It felll off the counter by it self and broke. My friend was jealous of the make up. If it isn't that I don't know what it is. But it won't let me breath. Oh wait my boyfriend broke it that day and acted crazy mad. He acted possessed. Before I picked it up I got hit on the head. My head still hurts. I don't know what it means but I got super scared when I found it. Then you said in a hushed voice to me to find out what he was doing bc he could kill me. AO I called him. He sounded normal. Maybe it's a warning to watch out for his anger that comes out of no where. I don't know how your with me but I thank god you always help me through all the tough times. So it's not witchcraft. I don't think it is. I don't know bc that day it broke was really horrible.
The cap doesn't look like the makeup cap. It's not the make up cap. Whatever it is. I'm gonna get over it. I looked at all the makeup caps online.
Lancôme means: the price in french. I don't know what that means. Also pray that I meet a millionaire if my boyfriend and I end up breaking up. I want a witch man so I can donate money to good causes an s so I don't ever suffer. Jesus paid a price to get us out of hell meaning so we don't end up dead. Pray for me. So that I keep going to heaven. I feel something moving in my throats when I typed the cost above. Creepy.
Rich. * please brother. Pray for my well being.
I went to school today and they didn't give me my diploma. I'm so angry bc I worked so hard for it. And they were not responsible enough to have it ready for me.
The grim reaper is back. Maybe Sharon did a Santeria with the grim reaper against me. I saw it send its metal pole after me. It's trying to cut me. It won't leave me alone. Pray for me so it leaves me alone. I saw it in my room. Then I saw my cellphone and sharonhad messaged me. . I'm eating pineapple and garlic and I'm gonna get mugwort tea bc the parasite has been hurting me. It won't leave my house. I'm getting rid of a vanity so that the darkness can leave. It's gonna be sold tomorrow. Pray for the grim reaper to leave. It's called la mortisima murte. Sharon got jealous and envious one summer and kept going to Santeria shops. Like pray for me dude. I don't want to die. I'm scared of ending up like worse than down syndrome over the psychiatrist old medicine that I swear had a parasitic infection in it. Get rid of anything one of your witch gf gave you. All of it.
I think I was pregnant and something cut the Imbilical chord. It looked like one of the kivas I have. The knives are made by a N. A. z. Company. Maybe it's the mortisima Muerte. I got a period after I felt the imbilical chord got cut. It hurting me. Pray for me please. I was speaking to my daughter. And something cut it out. I saw the knife in a flower that a witch gave me. And ex friend. I'm getting rid of it too. I took a pregnancy test and it was positive. Now it's negative after my period. I'm getting rid of evil stuff.
Cheese 5 stoll my rock collection. And my heart box. He throws them at me in spirit. Even my car got a dent on the roof. Like a big rock just got thrown at it. I don't know when he took them. It was when I didn't live at home. Pray for me so they don't touch me. When I find them I just give them to god. Like a present.
The sent was as big a boulder.
I'm seeing snakes. I went to church today. And the guy told me in his head get out Mexican American. I don't want you in my classroom and kept lecturing the class. I keep seeing snakes and he kept talking down to me even after I left the classroom and so did another woman. They won't leave my holy spirit. Pray for me so they leave me alone. Christian my angel won't come down with me for many days. He showed up today and left back to heaven. He said I pisses him off bc I had the rosary on. His parents were Mormon. Meaning I was threatening him with the cross. I hate to say it but maybe the snakes are being I had a sexual attraction to him but more than anything he was my guardian angel always even when he was alive. It was like having a body guard. . At the class there were4 men and 2 woman. No one liked the teacher. I felt so uncomfortable I've never been treated so rudely.
I had a dream about your mom. She said she needed to go to the spa more often and spend more money so that you could come back. We were under a cabana and near a pool. I don't know what the dream means but I know we were both there and we didn't come together. She really worried that if she doesn't act rich you won't come back to her or me.
She was really happy at the spa. Maybe it means I'm gonna work on your mom mani and pedi one day. Awquard.
The snake skin keep showing up in my mouth and around me. Kill the snakes guardian angel. Please protect me.
The teacher looked English and African. He was white skin. Africans don't like me. They act crazy and start being very racist. Pray for me.
The day the catholic man was racist to me. A Calvary chapel man gave me a book. He was a sun tan white man. It contains the book of john. And it says if you believe Jesus is Christ you will have eternal life. That day the catholic man said that the Catholic Church doesn't know what heaven is like of eternal life or if you will get eternal life. He was a big asshole. Really mean. He made comparison about what heaven would be like and holiness. He said a masters of art would enjoy heaven more than a child would who both saw the Mona Lisa. He directed all his hatred to me. Like saying I was a dumb child. It creeped me out a little and made me feel bitter bc your dad a big shot art professor. And how much I wanted to study art when I was a little girl. It was creepy. So I'm leaving the catholic faith. I also don't like their satanic worship and how Jesus looks like a Hispanic all over the church. And they keep saying Virgin de Guadalupe. No virgin from Bethlehem. It like they want to keep martyring people especially Hispanics. They're so racist. .
They all seemed possessed in the Catholic Church. Also it burns when I touch catholic things. I can't even read the Bible. I am only pray the rosary. The Bible you gave me is from Calvary chapel and I can always read it without getting burned. Also they talk about living water. When I got the john scriptures it felt like fresh water was poured all over my face.
God really opens a door. The Catholic Church really keeps creeping me out. Too. Bc they have way to many states of Satan and stain glass windows of 666. I'm out of the creepy place. I'm going back to reading the. Bible I got from you. I'm gonna buy a new one. Bc I don't want anyone reading what you wrote me in it.
Pray for me bc this weekend I'm going to study for the state board exam on Monday. Pray that remember everything. Pray that Lucifer doesn't bother me and so that god gives me more knowledge than before so I can remember it all.
My boil went away last night. It pop'd.
I love you like a friend and miss speaking to you. I'm calling your name so you remember what a little girl I am and how much positivity I need. I'm so proud of myself for studying a vocation. It makes me feel a little more adult than before. Also pray that I learn how to crochet. I did the first lesson today. It's really hard. Harder than knitting. I'm gonna learn how to make a baby blanket bc I want a baby in the future. My boyfriend wants a baby and he will marry me. I told him to get me an engagement ring for Christmas. Pray that I make the right decisions and that no evil or harm follow me. Bc you never wanted me a wife I left and still hope that your my friend. My friendship meant more to me than any courtship we had; bc people divorce and separate but friends will always be friends near or far. I fell in love again when you left me for jessica. I don't know which one you loved more but it's not my fault. You crushed my heart but god found a way out for me. I don't like those woman for you. One is a whore and the other a witch. Take care of your self. Don't let them hurt you friend. I pray that the lord protects you bc they're beautiful woman and can corrupt you.
I had a dream that your dad sat me on a chair and kept hitting my jaw. He said why are you sleeping with that man. He was really angry and hitting me. I said I don't know. He kept hitting me. He kept hitting my body. It was a dark room
With a light. I woke up with my head hurting and my jaw. And dizzy like I was being hit all night. I went outside and there was a creepy guy walking outside.
Your dad is really mad at me. I'm really scared. Every time I talk about having a kid he comes to me in a dream and starts hitting
Y stomach and tells me I'm
Not married. He doesn't want me pregnant till I get married.
There's a demon in the house and he a white man maybe a spirit. He has blue eyes and he hits me. Don't get scared but pray for the spirits to leave me alone. He uses my eyes. And hits me. It hurts. He talked to me and won't leave my house. I told him to leave. He is a white supremist with pink skin. He hit my womb.
I bought a Michael the arch angel statue. And a guardian angel statue. Then I got a jade Virgin Mary bracelet. I cleaned a lot today. And Saint peregrine charm it's for the sick and terminally sick. So I can fight off the evil spirits and fight my boils off. My boyfriend got me a nativity scene from snoopy. I'm making snow flakes with silver glitter. I'm happy today. I'm gonna change Catholic Churches. If it doesn't go well than I will change agin till I find a good church that makes me feel happy.
I found out the spirit I saw last night turns out to be someone on my Instagram profile. He's a real estate agent in charleston. He looks normal. I have no idea why I saw him last night in the vision but I think it was a demon.
I found the scripture where they curse me. Arch angel Gabriel let me know. It's in revelations 15-19.
It talks about a person who gets plagues. It talks about people are adulterer and sluts. And smoking. These people like talking bad about me. If you read it you can just change someone name there and tell god that they deserve the plagues. Break the spell Kelly. Break it. Every time I read this recently. I feel that woman that got married and she steals my soul. It talks about a slut drinking the blood of innocent. She drinks my blood. Set me free.
Also In high school this girl was jealous of me and my ex and kept calling me the beast. And all this hair started growing. Like she cursed me. And it was thrown in hell the beast in those verses. Like I want these Christian freaks to stop harming my soul.
She steals my soul that woman. Like she won't get out of my head. I don't like her. I keep having visions of her at her wedding. Her name is Eva she's a Mayan Indian. She married mark. I want this spell to be over. They push my buttons way to hard. When I met them my stomach started to get big. And it was around the time we first met. They use the Bible to curse me. Break the spell and pray for me. Everyday of your life. They take everything good in my life. She didn't invite me to the wedding. I want my soul back. I can't stop feeling like she looking through my soul. I keep seeing her eat cherries and some white shadow feeding them to her. She could be using our souls for a love spell. Break the love spell separation spell.
Merry belated Christmas Kelly. I hope you had a nice time with your family. I hope you got many pretty gifts. I'm sorry I didn't write. I was thinking all my letters are a Christmas gift this year. I hope I made you smile. Your sister gave me a present. She posted a picture up of you and old one. It made me smile. You were wearing a shirt you wore around me. You look cute in the picture. She told me in spirit to go look. So I did and I found the picture of you. You look super young in the picture. I didn't get everything I wanted this year but still I got some neat stuff. I miss you. God bless you. Please keep praying for my boil. It's still healing the last one. It needs to heal.
Don't ever look for rocks. I had a dream that my brother grabbed my head and kept hitting it with the heart rocks. They're missing. Maybe he took them and hurts me with them. When I woke up i remembered the scripture that says don't have a carved image above the ground or the sea. Like dot worship it. And we need to leave those heart rocks alone. I'm gonna leave them alone. I'm getting rid of them bc that's idolatry. My head gets still bc he kept hitting me on the head with it. Pray for me please. I'm gonna change my Facebook where it says I'm livng.
There has been snakes around me. Pray for them to leave me alone. It also sounds like the ocean is near and I keep hearing the man playing the drum by the ocean everyday. It's creepy. I want it over.
On another note happy new year. Also as a Harvard legacy I have a 30 percent chance more above regular applicants. So like if I was the brightest and best I could still get accepted. Only I could never afford Harvard. It's so expensive. I miss you. Pray for me please.
Wasn't. *
It's free to go to Harvard now if your parents make so much money. Meaning I could go for free to Harvard. I just need to go back and pick up my gpa. And so a sport.
They want a full year academic and no more than two years at a cc. I failed two semesters. It's finito. I can't go. Everything got ruined by my broken ribs. Oh well. That's ok. Still it would be fun to apply just bc for fun. Bc I'm a legacy. Maybe they will look past all the garbage. I don't even remember how bad I flunked. Why don't you apply Kelly. They can pay for your entire college if your mom makes less than 60,000 dollars.
I don't know if it still works but I can't move without you. It's hard for me to move. I have the same fear I had when john Paul broke up with me and almost killed me. I can't move. It's hard. When your at my side it's like angels show up and everyone starts loving me. Without you people give me dirty looks. Pray for my boil. And pray for marilyn Manson to stop harassing me with his demons. I'm scared. I wish you were rich and you could just pick me up and take me away from my troubles.
I'm here. I'm here! I'm here! I'm sorry for not writing in forever. I passed my state board exam, the written part, but I still need to pass the one more part.
You told me one day that there would never be another person in your life that could ever fill my shoes. So here I am writing the you. Part of me feel bad for writing to you, since you probably might not want to hear for me, but then the other part knows you need me. Bc no one tells you:
No Kelly don't do that!!! Ahhhhhh! You're doing it all wrong.
So here I am. Thinking about you nearly every other day even though I don't write I still think about you. Part of me says one day we will look into each other's eyes when my boyfriend leaves me for some young pretty woman and after you get bored of everyone. Maybe we will have a chance to be happy again.
I'm happy not that it matters. But I keep trying to figure out why I'm such a fool and why haven't I gone to see you. Easy my expenses are high, but I'm hoping to be able to see you in a month or so.
I miss all the little sweet nothings you would tell me. I miss day dreaming about our future. I miss having you as a friend. Then part of me says. I'm happy. Stop looking at the past. Your bad so very bad. But that part that remembers you saying no one would fill in my shoes thinks I'm irresponsible for not caring enough to go look for you and being like
No Kelly. No Kelly. No Kelly. Your doing it all wrong. Part of me is scared to see you bc I don't know how bad your situation is. But what the hell maybe your doing well and maybe your not doing bad things.
I hope your doing well. Financially. Emotionally. Physically. Mentally. I hope you keep thinking up things that make you happy. I hope you haven't lost faith in god.
I haven't had beans and fresh salsa in many years. I actually cooked a pot of beans and bought queso fresco. And had tortillas with it. It was really good. I'm thinking of losing weight by eating. Beans and tortillas. And melon. I'm gonna try to stay away from bread and meat. I've been lazy all day watching cable. I saw all the rocky movies and kinder garden cop. Then I saw super store. And dateline. I've been trying to feel cozy lately but nothing makes me feel cozy. Like I feel almost like I'm drowning in the ocean and I have nothing to make me feel at home. It's a bizarre feeling. I start feeling cozy when I think about you. It helps me remember being in the closet with you and remembering how I cried and how you held me. It's just cozy memories. When I remember my parents I start feeling upset bc of how I had to leave home. So that doesn't work for long.
I bought new pants yesterday but it's sad bc they closed down my favorite Asian clothes store. And I had to go to another one similar but with shitty designs. Like the pants fit but they're not perfect. Like they're to low rise on the butt section and the front of the pants are a little too loose. So it sucks but at least I have new pants.
They also closed down one of my favorite restaurants. I'm gonna have to finish my letter now. Hope your ok.
Watching rocky kinda pissed me off. Bc rocky is illiterate. He lost a job bc he couldn't read. He can't get a job bc he didn't have a high school diploma. It kinda pissed me off how the media puts
Such a ugly look into the lives of Italians. It's not the only movie I've seen where a bad lighting was put on Italians Americans. It makes me feel a little bad. I mean in the short periods of my youth there has been so many positive movies about Hispanics but Italians. Hell no. We're stupid. Slobby. Rude without manners. Oh and supposedly we like dating black people too. Like I'm sick of all the media stereotypes. Like I'm sorry but my Italian American family were made of geniuses and entrepreneurs. And these were full Italian with parents from Italy. And I'm sorry last time I checked they all married into the white race. No one married a black person. And they all knew several languages. But then again I haven't been to New York and I don't know many Italians. Maybe they're not so great but I can at least say my family was. And they were all college educated. So yeah go to hell media for making Italians feel bad. Only good place to look at is cartons. Like Cinderella Pinocchio and other fairy tales. They're all Italian fairy tales.
The part that passed me off the most was how rocky lost all his assets and money in the last film. Like yeah I'm just a stupid Italian that doesn't know how to manage money. Now I have to go live in the slums. Go to hell Hollywood. Also he's not full Italian in real life. Maybe that's why he directed and wrote such a horrid tale. I don't think any full respectable Italian would enjoy that film.
The movie were a black girl dates an Italian is a Bronx tale. I'm not saying it's a bad thing, I'm just saying that the media wouldn't put an English man dating a black person on American Media. Also jungle fever. Another Italian black movie. Maybe my observation is wrong but there are not many films with interracial marriage and the few that they are it's Italians that played the role.
I will say though I know an Italian black girl. Her mother is black and her father was part Italian. But really I not even sure bc he's mostly Spanish.
It doesn't matter. I'm just trying to figure out why there isn't more interracial movies or movies with other races other than Italians.
I sound so stupid. So I looked up how many movies they have. And there are about 59 but really I think the first flicks that had interracial things were Italians. There may be more movies but I'm sure the first ones were flicks with Italians and blacks together. Just strange.
http://www.imdb.com/list/ls008120520/
I saw another list of Italian movies and there were about 300 listed. I haven't seen any of them. When I looked up Italian American movies there was only a short list of films. The first list was about 264 films of vintage films. The newer ones looked like they sucked. They listed pulp fiction as an Italian American movie. It just seems like they don't put any classy movies about Italians. Did they forget our food our art. Italians are very classy. Yet they like putting a slum like tone about them on the media. Sucks.
I keep playing sudoku I'm so good at it that it's getting boring. I've been sleeping a lot lately. Like catching up on my beauty rest. It's amazing how much I sleep. And today I bought a new medicine. It's rue oil. I hope it does what I want it to do. It tastes yummy. I'm so crazy I'm laying here and just thinking about what could happen and what I would do if it did happen while I play sudoku and then I tell myself I'm not missing out on anything bc even if it did happen I probably wouldn't even be happy or even try to persue whatever I'm thinking about. It's funny. Then I think about how the other odd and ends about it wouldn't line up and so it's impossible. Like way to many ways of it evolving into it not happening just out of pure lazyiness is what is the hardest to get past. Like just bc I'm so lazy it won't happen or I'm too comfortable. Like way too many things end up benign or malignant out of pure lazyiness or being too comfortable. So to make myself feel better I try to find the climax to each story and then I tell myself it's impossible for any other outlet to arise since that climatic instance occurred. Despite this horrid nonsensical story arose today I did Pilates in bed while watching films. I can feel my abs and side forming itself and when I rose to walk it hurt so bad I could hardly sweep the floor. So yeah my little story of impossibility above doesn't quite fit this answer for that long equation lies solely on the flip of a coin. Like that's how hectic and chaotic fate is. Thank goodness I'm gonna be hot and sexy in the future. Thank goodness I have my coin rigged. So yeah I'm gonna keep dreaming and hoping and maybe just maybe the thing I was thinking about may happen in the future no matter how sinful I sometimes feel. At least I can hope Jesus will forgive me and pave the road ahead. And hopefully those figures in the equation end up being the letters and not the solid unmovable numbers.
I have an illness that I've been trying to disminish and nothing has really taken it out. So I've reached the point of taking poison. Rue can most definitely kill you but I have no other option in getting better so I'm gonna keep taking it. But I'm gonna take enough not too much. I hope it works and supposedly it helps with weight loss as well and regulating hormones. But most importantly I hope it takes my illness away permanently. Also lately I've been really annoyed by my hands. Like especially my thumbs. It's like they're too thick I miss having skinny hands. I won't be happy till I have size 6 fingers. To combat this I've been thinking about putting bandages on my thumbs so they don't annoy me so much. They just seem like lumber jack fingers and it's horrendous. I keep thinking about when am I gonna get an ax and start cutting the wood for the winter weather and I smirk to myself. Also my skin has been really dry lately and the Santa Ana's have been making my allergies have all kinds of fiestas. It's horrid. I sleep a copious amount to get through all there loud fiestas they have in my body. I can't wait till my allergies get better. I made an appointment with the fertility doctor and got my boyfriend to go. And got him to stop giving me medicine by telling him I want a kid. So now I have to tell my psychologist that I want off the Meds. The endroconologiat told me to do so. So I'm happy I stopped taking those fucking drugs bc they make me wigg out. I start hallucinating and it's not fun. Like really I'm. It crazy those drugs make me crazy as fuck. So yeah like I'm gonna be like yeah me and my boyfriend just want to have copious amounts of sex and I can't harm the fetus so leave me alone please cuz I'm a super horny bitch. Lol. I'm so happy it's working. Like he seriously stopped giving me the medicine. I also told my mom the same. I said I can't take the pills anymore bc I'm gonna try to have a baby. I can't stop laughing. I feel so fucked up. Like yeah I'm gonna ha e a kid so I don't have to forced to take anti everything bc you know they give out the same one pill for all the illnesses. But yeah I'm sick of pretending like it's ok for everyone to rain all over my body with tubs of fat. I'm tired of being a fat ass. These pills also make me fat.
It's amazing what people do when you promise them a baby. Like I hope this continues to work and especially for the fucking bitch psychologist. Like I'm scared of telling her and then she will lock me
Up in the psych ward. Like I don't I don't know what will happen. But she bailed on me today and rescheduled for another appointment supposedly she has family issues. I don't know but I'm wearing a diamond ring on my left hand and I'm gonna throw my reproductive options in her fucking face and let the bitch know that a man wants to impregnate me and doesn't want a kid with one eye. So fuck them all I hope they leave me alone. At least this will buy me some time and really I'm glad to know if I'm fertile. One test already came out positive and another one semi good. I still need like two more vital tests.
The last psychologist left me and she told me to get one near my house. My mom was really pissed bc she would drive me there. But the last good thing she did was change my medicine and this medicine doesn't make me sick. It just makes me hallucinate like crazy. Even to the point of feeling like someone is touching me. It's kind of fun bc sometimes I get to control the hallucinations. But the old medicine was worse bc I swear there were parasitic stuff in it. When I told her I wanted kids she let me go. I think she was scared of getting sued. So all she did was change my medicine and looked at me like what can I do your mom won't leave me the heck alone. So now with my new psychologist she doesn't seem too mean. She looks like this white washed happy go lucky Asian lady. So I'm gonna press full throttle this time and let her k ow that my boyfriend is seeing the fertility treatment center bc he wants a little boy and how happy we are together. I hope she doesn't make a scene and let's me go on my merry way. I'm gonna tell her that seeing a therapist would be nice but that really I can't take these pills bc I don't want a kid with one eye. And that way I have time to fucking lose weight. When I get thin and have my job ready then I'm gonna run away far away. Bc I'm sick of being someone sugar daddies gf. I wanted marriage and love. And it just seems like I'm just this sugar candy that is gonna remains this way forever. So yeah. I don't know bc part of me is scared and doesn't want to leave. It's so hard to look at the whole situation but at least I'm moving the tables around so hay my health is better. Bc there is no way I can tell the psychologist I hallucinate. She will just raise the dose and make matters worse or give me more drugs or switch them around. I just don't want parasite or worms anymore. And I want to know hallucinate. I want to be happy and laugh every day and smile. I even go to church every weekend so that my boyfriend doesn't start accusing me of hitting him or acting funny. He drinks every night and sometimes he likes pretending like I hit him. He broke his arm once bc he was so drunk and blamed me. So I'm playing miss poly ana like summer would say I am. So that I can find a way to safer water and pure happiness. I want a flat stomach so I can wear jeans and feel sexy again. I'm gonna keep doing pilates and figuring out how to get the heck away from people who want to poison me. I'm tired of being poisoned and being told I'm crazy. I'm gonna find a way out. I'm so happy this past month since I've been off the medicine.
This sounds insane but basically I went to school bc a test came out positive for pregnancy. So I think the patch medicne killed it. I presented the information and he bought it. It made him feel like a real asshole when he found out. Like really what does he expect. I've been telling him that the medicine fucking hurts me. And that if he ever wants a kid that he better get me off the medicine. And that he may not always be here for me bc he may leave me for another woman and that I will have to pick up the pieces not him. And that I don't want to kill myself that's why I'm going to church why don't you go with me. So this puts a positive light In my visage and makes him sound like a monster. So he leaves me the fuck alone now and stopped giving g s the pills. Now I have to tell the psychologist good bye. Part of me wants a kid for real and the other part says no. The part that wants it says I'm old as fuck and that if it will ever happen it's now. Even if I leave this jerk I will want a kid. And then other part of me is just screaming to be respected and not forced to take pills. Like honestly everyone is just mad that I'm not knocked up so they call me crazy. That's what they do to woman. If you don't age a kid they call you crazy
In all my beauty sleep I don't know how I can sleep with peace bc last week I had a creepy dream where a man a blonde man with fucked up hair and maroon lipstick was in the house. And I felt his presence and got my things and that's when he made his appearance but luckily I woke up as soon as he showed up. I was super scared bc In the dream I didn't know it was a dream. It felt real. Super scary especially since I've never seen that man before in my life. Im scared Kelly. Sometimes I don't know where I am but I try to hold on to whatever I can so I don't fall into a deeper part of chaos.
I also got a knotts pass with my friend and invited another friend to get one. Plus my middle school best friend has one too but she bailed on me last time bc she just got pregnant and had to see the doctors. I got so disappointed bc we haven't hung out in forever. And she like my best best friend bc it was my first white friend and like best best friend. My best best friend before were black and that's coool and all but it's nice to be with white people bc black people always put a barrier in between the friendship. It just doesn't grow. Not my fault. She has kids already my best best friend but happily she will have another bc her other two daughters are not from her husband. I can't wait to see her. I think she forgets how happy we used to be bc she has had children to raise but honestly we would have pool parities. Pizza parties. Raging water parties. Singing parties. We would be so happy together. And she almost looks like me only she's a blonde with blue green eyes and I'm the brunette. So it was cute. Like Betty and Veronica from Archie comics. I can't wait till I eat one of those three woman to go to knotts with me. And I'm trying to requindle the love between me and my black friend. She still with her barrier. So I don't know what I will do. It's hard enough to get her to text to me.
The other part of me hates myself. One of my teenage goals was to live by the beach and I told myself it would happen no matter what. So it has happen yet I never go to the beach. I rather stay at home and sleep. Like what's wrong with me. It like super close and then I come
Up with things to tell me not to go. Like you will get hurt. You will drown. It's not worth it. Just look at the tv and see an ocean. Like the car might get towed. But really it's amazing. Bc as a teenager I really wanted to live by Huntington Beach. I thought it was the bees knees. And now that I'm here I'm like Mehe! I will say that when I finally get the courage to go I love it. Like last time I rose my bike and I had so much fun. But right now my propriety is losing weight counting calories and making it seem like I want to raise a family. So yeah if the beach comes it comes. And I will go to knotts even if I don't catch my close friends.
It's amazing to think I'm living in Huntington Beach. I never thought it would happen. Now that I'm here I'm like a snob and talk about how horrid it is but I'm the old days I was like this place is so romantic. I want to learn to surf. I want to be here smell here. Be here and it happened but I don't want to learn to surf anymore. It's weird. I hate myself for not appreciating my little goal accomplished. Bc back then it was like the biggest deal of my life. No one believed me that I would live out here. All my Asian friends would make fun of me and tell me I'm crazy and that it's too expensive. Now I have to live here whether I like it or not. Life is funny isn't it.
Part of me is scared that she might be weirded out bc we were so close that she choose me to experiment on like kissing and touching. One day I was like this has to end and I don't know how but I broke it off when she wanted to kiss my boobs. It was really disappointing. It's funny my best black friend always puts up a berried but my white friend took them all down for me. It's too funny. I hoping we can enjoy ourselves and get past it all. Sometimes I think I saved her from lesbianism. Like if I had continued everything with her. I might be married to her. That's how close we were. Instead she has two pretty daughters now. I'm so proud of myself. I hate her husband he is so ugly. He nice. But really he isn't super ugly. Part of me think she is just really chemically connected to him. And what can I say maybe that chemical part just works. She Irish Italian like I am. Her husband is Mexican but it's funny bc he looks like a scary leprechaun. Like a real Irish man only he doesn't ha e the coloration for it. When I first met him I used to think he was a player which pissed me off. But the more I hear of him he seems like a good man. And she loves flaunting his black credit card. She says he's like athe richest guy that ever hit on her. He's a manager at the seat auto mechanic place. He get credit cards to different dealerships. And he saved me a lot of money many times. Which is nice. He works in Costa Mesa that's how small the world is.
You know what's even cooler. Her grandmother is from a town just outside of Salem mA. And my dad is from Ma. I met her the year my grandmother died. It's so weird. My grandma left and trips to MA left but then I met a cool gal with family from MA and I was happy again. I think that's why we get along so well bc we're both from parents from MA and we're both Irish Italian girls.
I feel horrible today. For starters I hate restaurants. You can't ever expect to make a good decisions when every meal is about 800 calories to 1500 calories. What the hell do they think. Secondly my muscles are so sore I could barely even commence my daily workout. Since I've started taking my medicine there is this awful taste in my mouth that won't leave even after I clean my teeth. I've been feeling very unhappy all day bc I wrote you. It just so rude of me. It feels like I'm this really rude person. And I can't stand myself for it. It's not fun remembering our dynamic no matter how nice it was. It isn't here anymore and remembering makes me feel so morose. I turned music one today to see if it would make me feel any better but not really. I can't shake this shitty feeling off. I also can't take it not knowing how you are and how you've changed. I have no clue what your like now whether you regret who you were or if your fine. If your the same or different. I just hope that however you are that you take my letters with some coffee and a laugh. I hope it's not painful like the shell of a nut trapped in your stomach bc that's how I feel. Whenever I talk to you it's as if no one else exists and even if I'm talking about other it's like we're on a playing field and no matter what I say I know you will understand. Like the game is to not hold back bc you will always have a smile on your face. You seem like a resilient person to me that no matter what I throw at you you will always find a way to reach out and just find a way to make everything feel ok. For that reason I don't want to ever stop writing. I love the surge of happiness I get when I talk to you. No one gives me that happiness. It's bc you never judge me and you let me go on and most of the time we feel that same about an impeding matter that cuts my throat. So I love how I never have to argue with you bc when we do talk both of us it's the coolest of all times bc we're like ever so in tune and present with everything. Fluid. I had breakfast but I'm skipping lunch and dinner bc there were too many calories in that breakfast. I hate restaurants. Also I've noticed in the past when you have been mad at me. You read my letters I come to find out a lot later. So I'm crossing my fingers you're reading my letters. I miss your blue eyes. Sadly I must say I don't have any friends with your shade of blue. They're so pretty. I saw this girl online Instagram. I always look at her profile and I noticed today her boyfriend had blue eyes. I was like she so lucky. She posts pictures of her in 1950's fashion at Disneyland. She a cute Mexican woman. Yet she looks like a little girl I will have to add. Recently she just posted pictures of herself at a hotel madonna in California. I was like awkward. Yeah like what are you doing up there with your boyfriend. Lol. I would never post pictures of myself like that. Especially if I wasn't married. People have some nerve now a days. Ewwww. Ewwww. At least I'm not her. I'm a bit jealous
Of her cute outfits but honestly she tries to hard. I'm way o lazy to curl my hair every night and wear all those cute dresses. I like sheik casual clothing.
It worked you always put me in the mood for writing. I wrote a poem. It may suck but at least I wrote. Pretty cool.
If I could catch that tear drop and get it unencrypted for you I would.
If I could catch a shooting star and then send it on it's way with your wish I would.
If I could melt all the make up covering and expose the truth I would.
If faux and fake are different than I would rather be a fox weaving into and out of a forest.
I would find my way back to that little room all cozy near my nape with you.
If I could manage myself I would manage the matter you wished me to manage.
If I could have I would have and I would have ran far far away.
If I could imagine the day prior I would have imagined it.
But my imagination is bleak. I didn't know such occurrences would occur. I didn't know such feelings would arise. For all I saw was the sun rising and the sun scorching my face, making it older everyday. So I made and constructed and laid foot in my abode. I stayed and sipped coffee in places I never thought I would ever had a footing in. I smiled. I tried to hold all my tears back and fold them nicely into my handkerchief and sell them off as anything but what they truly were.
If I could I would put myself into the scope of the matter that meant. I would stopped the brick house from falling apart. I would held it up with my hands and started to lay bricks. I would have made everything cozy but my imagination was bleak and you can only image all the graphic things that went on.
So I'm hearing dreaming and wishing upon a. Star. Maybe one day I will remember to smile when the house falls apart again.
I think your silence is dumb. I think everything is dumb. I think the future is dumb. I think my aspiration went down the trash shoot. And that's dumb as well, but the thing that isn't dumb is the roof over my head, the food in front of my face, the possibility of watching endless films, the beauty I get to acquaint myself with and again. Sometimes I get stuck on the dumb, but more than anything I want it to change. I want more change than the fool on the comer is collecting and it isn't the easiest feat bc of mishaps. Why am I writing? Why do I even care. Sometimes I think about how smart and pretty you are and I think your dumb. Sometimes I think your are so dumb. I don't even know how to numb the dumb out. I've been watching from afar and I don't know how you made your left turns then your right turns and ended up where you were. Like why are we both so dumb?
I didn't get to see you graduate from a university. I don't get to see you in a suit. I don't get to see you lecture at some college. I just see you work day and night to the bone and really hard. I see you envying your peers. Why? Don't be dumb. Stop being so dumb. What do you want. Go get it. Stop lowering your standards bc you think your not hot to trot. Stop. Just stop. Look in the mirror dude your are so freaking handsome and articulate. The world is your oyster. There are so many scholarships and ways of going to the university. Don't be dumb anymore. Stop pretending like all the apples are just gonna fall on your lap by that time they will all be rotten. You have to buy a ladder. You have to eat to have strength to go up the ladder. And you need a basket, collect them savor them make things, sell them, do whatever you want with them but don't let your apples rot to the core. I'm way dumber than you. I pick people up and make them get all the apples for me bc I'm lazy as hell and maybe not as gorgeous as you are. Like why don't you buy a suit and pretend that you just graduated from the university and smile. Tell me what it feels like. Pretend that you have a job teaching and being marry. Why don't you have an imagination and pretend. Instead you've done so many dumb things to your handsome face. It's deplorable.
Like really I've never know such a tall man in my life and I miss you. I don't even get to see tall men. I think they're extinct. Why god. Why god. Why must there only be this one cute dork with blue eyes and as tall as a bean stalk that amuses me. . .
Just open up a new blog and rant about the university fancy Kelly is going to go to. And come back to your family. They're getting old. When they die you might regret every dumb decision you have made. Our lives are so minuscule and short lived. Please oh please make me envy you for once. Please make me envy you. Make everyone envy you. When they see you at the unversity no one will mock you. Please be that sexy professor. If you can't afford Ivy League college who the hell cares. Go to the cheapest unversity you can afford.
Also just pretend that you have a child and fill the need to want to buy it everything it wants. Then figure out what job entails that. Also think really hard bc one day you will be old and grey like really grey and you will be that kid.
I don't know anything. I'm bombast asshole for writing everything I've written. I don't know what you've done in your life bc everything you've written online could be lies. But just in case I had to be the bitch who said anything about it. I want to cry bc I'm old and nothing happened the way I wanted it to happen for me for you for my sister or for Alex your friend. Nothing good came from all the friggen time that passed. All the little plans I had in my head for all of us didn't happen. Melody hasn't finished college either and she was deemed a genius as a early age. Like all she ever does is travel and go to different places. And all I ever do is have big fights over my health and trying to figure out how to be ok. When I'm this close to being where I want to be the whole library falls on top of my head. So don't think I'm talking bad about you. I just wish you went to even one of those stupid little private collages and did something in the math region. You are so good at it and there are so many jobs that pay so well above your current job. I just want to be proud. I know you hate math and you want nothing to do with it. But that's the only way your gonna get out of living out of your car and the only way you will be able to buy the steak you would love to eat. Stop wishing for crappy things. If Mexican immigrants can bring there kids here and go to college. Why not you. Why can't you do it. Stop being lazy like I am. I hate me and melody. And you and Alex. We're all lazy asshole ignorant American kids that don't appreciate what we have. You have to start thinking about where the bacon is gonna drop from. Your supposed to be a genius and your cool. Your not one of the weirdos. Your even easy on the eye and can swindle any girl or person just with a smile. I hate how spoiled we all our. If we were not so spoiled I think we would do better things. My dad was a jock. And he had to take care of his father's horses. That's how not spoiled he was. That's how he got to an Ivy League.
Whoever reads this should know that no words should be taken seriously for all written is a fictitious writing a comedy and a tragedy or sorts to be entertained when nothing else gives you the jollies. And to add to my masterpiece I have added the unfinished works to annoy the those aficionados of grammatical errors. Spend the day revising and looking over and finding your orgasm on paper. Lots of fun.
Im so disgusting. I'm disgusted with my wordage and my disgraces. I'm disgusted with my lack of knowledge in knowledgeable expressive wordage. A lie. I'm so bored! I keep writing and then erasing and writing again. I don't know what to say. I just would like to say that I'm affable that's the most I could say that would mean anything of use.
Recently I've been looking up friends that I just seemed to get out of touch with especially those from my childhood church. I bit envious bc they seem to be traveling a lot. Like one of the trips that made me super envious was a trip to the Disneyland resort Hawaii place. One of my ex friends actually went there. I'm so low that when I saw her there I was like whatevs she still wouldn't look as cute as I would bc she so ugly. Like who the hell says that. I felt disgusted with myself, but also I'm left with this stinging sensation of wanting to go there. Then I think like really Disneyland resort in Hawaii it's probably super horrid and super expensive. That's what I think when I see the commercials and to think I know someone who actually went. It's amazing. To be honest I would have to do more research. It part of me knows that the island experience would be so much better with the Disney part subtracted. Also excuse me for saying Disneyland in reference to the resort. I think it's called Allani. It's not how it's spelled.
So yeah I was super envious. And I'm not that kind of person ever. I never envy like my entire life but at that moment I started envying her. She has like 2 trips a year for the past few years. I'm kinda sad for her bc she's much older than I am and she is not married. That's how vain that sect of Christianity is. Probably why I ran screaming as a teenager. I felt that if I stayed I would have died a virgin. And it's true bc that woman is so straight edge and she still doesn't have a husband. It's so sad. But what do I know. Maybe she is horrendously unruly and so not a square. I could not know the difference. Also it's kinda sad bc she still lives at home with her parents and hasn't left my home town. Like how do people do that. I've noticed a whole lot of people I know haven't left there home. Soiled little bratty adults kids. Like when are they gonna grow up and leave the small little town.
Stories such as these always make me feel better about myself Kelly. Like it makes me a little proud of you as well bc lord knows we haven't stayed in one place for years. We moved jumped rattled and rolled.
Also I felt better about myself bc she actually went to Harry Potter land. Like what sane Christian would go there? Like who says one thing but then does something else. I know it's a kids book but still it about witchcraft. I'm sure as hell not going I may have made the mistake to have read the books when I was a teenager and trying to be against everything. But like really I have no plans of going. I have seen already 3 Christians that have gone and taken pictures with a wand. Makes me wonder what the Bible means to them.
Wait I need to correct this. I'm envious bc it's the Hawaii Disney resort. I have no clue how much money that would cost but I know so well that the price for it would probably get you a round trip vacation to some beautiful location in Europe. Like I'm so sure. I haven't looked it up but anyone who is anyone should know how expensive Disney stuff is. So yeah I'm envious but rather let's bring it down a notch and realize that I'm just in awe like how the hell did you have the guts to spend that money. My stomach hurts a bit just to think about it. Maybe just maybe that envy is not envy but just a feeling of disgust. And also it must be envy since I adore Disney crap like no other. And true I once had a Disneyland pass. Like that's how dedicated I was. I can only imagiane how much money she spend. And I'm gonna keep at it. Like really I want to look up the prices and start planning. Like it's not fare. How can she go and I haven't gone. She looks like such a snob now and she uses copious amounts of makeup. Like eyebrows and everything. You know the makeup that's fashionable at the moment. I just pray the woman finds a husband. Also I don't like her bc she's keeps showing pictures of herself at her friend's wedding she and honestly she looks super envious in the pictures. Like who does that if my close friend got married I would probably start crying out of joy.
I forgot to mention she doesn't even have a boyfriend. THats how miserable and alone she must be. She's too old to be single. She like really needs to move away and find another church. She is not really ugly but not the most beautiful bc she is a little big boned so you get the impression she is a bit manly. And her facial features are jagged. Not that it matter to me but all those who go to church with her don't appreciate her beauty. And I really she can't marry out of the religion. It's so sad. I hate how vain those men are at that church. They're super vain. I'm glad for a few things she is a manager of a Starbucks and she is still Christian. Which is nice bc she does bible studies as well. I'm glad for that. Part of me wants to talk to her but the other part doesn't bc she super close to this guy. I had like a big crush on him growing up. He always ignored me. He was like the biggest asshole ever. He's Spanish man and he is married now. But yeah I wouldn't want that jerk knowing anything about me. He would piss me off too bc the church would say don't do this and when he was at school he would do everything. Also she lives too far. And I can't afford Disneyland right now. Even if we met up there. So I'm just gonna wait
I used to take it personal growing up when these sexy Spanish men didn't have crushes on me. I felt like super ugly or something but as I got older I found out Spanish men are not into me. It's ok. I'm over it. Back then I used to take it so personal. I felt like I must be this monster. But I'm not. I'm pretty. Just I attract different men. So yeah maybe I didn't look Spanish enough for him and he just didn't like my facial features. Still I think that perticular guy was an asshole. Like we go to the same church but he won't even say hi to me at school.
He also went to the Hawaii Disney resort place with his wife. I was a little envious about them being married. Not so much about the Hawaii thing. I sorta felt happy to know he found someone and got married. She is also that type of Christian. Just sucks I used to have fantasies about growing old with him and being married to him. I was probably in elementary when this happened. I had a crush on him bc he would comb his hair to the side. And it was super square and sexy. When I got over him I just started to ah e a crush on this blonde man at school named Matthew. He gave me my first kiss. It was cute. He just ran up to me blushed kissed me smiled and ran away. He was super cute bc he would comb his hair the same way to the side. At least one boy in my elementary had a crush on me. I felt really embarrassed bc of the kiss and everyone would make fun of us bc of it. He would sometimes hold my books. But part of me didn't like him bc he seemed dumb. Like he was cute but a little dumb.
I didn't mean to just look at her profile. Like I really wanted to reach out to her bc I missed her like crazy but when I saw that guy next to her like her best friend it made me really disgusted and I couldn't bare to add her. Part of me thinks that the jerking attitude must have passed from him to her and I want nothing to do with their weird way of being. You would think he would go out and find her a boyfriend. That's how jerkish he must be. I'm just glad I don't look like a dork the way they all do. They look so typical Californian with their Disneyland clothing like pretty dresses etc with tons of Disney garbage. It's a little disgusting. They just annoy me just a little bc not one them look original. I'm sick of seeing trends. So yeah I need to stop envying them and just let them be happy. I need to go to a happy place and be happy for them and not envy bc I think it's a sin. Such a horrid feeling. Anyways I still haven't been to Hawaii I've been to many places but never there. It seems like everyone I know has gone there. And I have never been. It a little sad. Everyone says it's like the best place to vacation and part of me thinks that maybe just maybe no one knows what they're talking about. Like maybe I just won't think it's that smashing. There's a beach here what's so special about an island. I can buy a pina colada and buy flowers to adorn myself with here too. And there are even spas here. Like what am I missing.
One of my favorite Jewlery designers is of the religion I grew up with. It's super cute bc the Jewlery is an embodiment of the art work I used to do as a little girl. I don't know how but I feel like super lucky bc her Jewlery isn't anywhere. Like it really isn't trendy and you cannot find it anywhere. Everything she makes is really unique. I love looking at her Instagram every night. I always cross my fingers that she posts something new. She also has the cutest daughters. Like everything she does is beautiful. I've never in my life been such a fan of one type of Jewlery or of anything to the point of watching it like a hawk. I think I'm gonna wrap up my nonsense and leave to bed. God bless you and hope everything is ok. She is from another country so I have to look at her stuff late at night.
Sad but true.
Something is wrong with me lately. I'm scared to leave the residence. Like maybe it's bc I'm over weight but I dread having to leave the residence. I kinda hate myself for it but even if I want something from the supermarket I'll just skip it bc I feel uncomfortable leaving home. Or like I won't go to the beach even though I really want to. I also won't go to the gym. I like staying home unless it's really necessary like school or work. I also don't like walking around the residence even though there is a park and pretty water areas. I don't like picking through all my creative outlets. I sit and watch tv and sit a bit rigid and scared. Like I don't move a lot or laugh. I don't remember the last time I have my smile hurting or my stomach from laughing. The sad thing is I don't have any friends that are comedians. I miss those types of friends. Also if I do leave I always feel uncomfortable with my surroundings. I try to make a quick escape from whatever I'm doing. I hate being fat. Like the past few days I've been screaming to go for a jog at the park so I could feel my heart pump and I won't move. I'm scared.
Also my body has different types of pain and it won't stop. I feel like an old lady again.
Also I really can't go out at night. I just won't. I keep playing really creepy possible outcomes in my head, so, I scare my self silly and just stay home. There are so many bars near my place. I wish I wasn't so crazy I could go out listen to some music and enjoy myself. Maybe have a drink. Maybe make some friends. I hate myself. I hate how freaking frigid and stiff I am.
I want to change myself and it's gonna be hard to feel pretty again. I know I'm not ugly now that I'm saying it. It otherwise I walk around and feel like this ugly ogre. It's weird feeling this way I can't escape it. I wake up every morning feeling like an ogre and feeling like everything is so mundane and finding not one ounce of having to get up. I love sleeping. It's like the only thing that brings me happiness. So yeah I'm gonna try to stop feeling like I'm in a horror movie everyday. I'm gonna try to get out of the house without getting scared that a serial killer will be out there but it's really hard. I only get happiness knowing I have a lock to stay in doors. Maybe this is why I haven't gone to go see you or go see if your alive with a friend of mine. I'm pretty sure. I'm so scared of leaving the damn house. I feel handicapped in a way. Yet I do go out when it absolutely necessary. I'm gonna try to get over my fear of leaving the house so I can go look for you and see if your still living and breathing. The thought scares me a little that you might be dead. I don't know. Or dead inside as well. Like maybe alive but dead inside in spirit. I don't know why but it feels like this. I know I'm a little dead inside in spirit. I can imagine you feel the same way. Also I hate to say it but my ass hurts everyday which is why I can't leave the house. If those woman that pop out kids can leave why can't I. Maybe it's bc I'm really overweight. I don't know why but that past week has been hell for me. I need to pucker up and start walking. I need to walk far and breath and try to smile everyday. And I need to stop watching so much tv. I watch cable everyday. I haven't found anything that is really my favorite but I keep watching. I like seeing things about murder and mystery. It keeps me awake so I can make sure no one kills me. It's scary how those people just turn crazy one day and start murdering. Really scary. That's why I don't like leaving the house. I'm scared of meeting a possessed person. I have a theory that it is not mental illness or envy etc. or hate crimes. I think people get possessed by demons. Last night I could barely sleep there was a story about two girls in Wisconsin that were 12 when they stabbed there best friend like 19 times. Bc they wanted to make this demon called the skinny man like them or so he wouldn't hurt their families. After that they were sent to psychologist and put on pills. Then like 3 years later they are put in adult court and they put one in for 25 years at a state mental ward. Then the other 40 years. I felt so scared and felt bad for all the parties. Like part of me thinks they just were no taught the Bible and morals. And the other part I think they were coursed into believing they were crazy. And lastly maybe they got possessed by demons. I don't know but the parents say they acted normal before the stabbing. Also the mom would read Stephan king. So basically they really didn't have morals. I was super scared the whole night. I tried holding my pet but he kept leaving to his bed. I can't even believe they didn't put them to juvenile court. Wisconsin is really fucking rough. When my rapist when to jail they didn't try him in adult court. Like isn't murder as bad as rape.
My rapist went to jail when he was 15. They just made him go to a therapist for many years. These girls were 12 and they didn't even murder the girl. They get 25-40 years in a psych ward. They were tried like adults. It's really sad. Supposedly in Wisconsin if your over 10 you get tried like an adult. I wonder what California is now.
All of this makes me feel really sick in the stomach and makes me scared to leave the residence. I don't know what the hell could happen but it just seems like leaving the house gets people in trouble.
The scariest part was that supposedly the skinny man told the girls that they would get to live in his mansion if they killed that little girl. Well they sorta did go to a mansion bc the state psych ward is like a huge mansion. So freaking creepy. I pray to god to protect you and I and whoever we love please Jehovah protect me and Kelly and those who we love in Jesus name. Watch over us and help us out of horrible situations and help us laugh and smile and to be pretty inside and out. Help us get over things such as those stories I mentioned above. Watch over those who need to know more about you so they don't make the mistake those little girls did. Please protect me and help me feel safe. I'm Jesus name amen.
Also did you hear about the family with 13 children and how they shackled them to the bed. One shower a year and living in their excrement. It was really depressing to hear. Something out of a horror story. I felt so bad for them. There is like no room for controversy in the news today all these horror stories are exsactly horrible and unmoveable. Like you can't just say well maybe they didn't real do such things. No like so many horrendous things are occurring.
Also part of me is glad that they're trying to put up a wall between the us and Mexico bc that means less drugs will be coming in. So many teenagers lives will be saved. Way to many kids get brain damage or die of overdoses. Then the other part of me feels like this wall is just the begining of a big war that will end up with many fatalities. No one says it but it's at the core of one my deepest fears. You can only imagiane my imagination and how far it's going. Also part of me really wonders if they really sent drugs trough ground. Like don't they just sent them inside humans that board the airplanes. And don't they make drugs in the United States. So I really don't know but supposedly Mexico is the capital of drug exportation into the United States.
Siracha macha bo mo go
Mo ma mo mo ma mo
Papa go ma mo mo ma mo
Om papa mo mo ma go mo ma
Papa mo mau mo mau mo mo mah papa mo mau mo lol
I don't remember how the song goes. Still it made me just a little happier. I've also been singing back that ass up by juvenile. He raps really fast and it's hard to follow the lyrics on you tube but I really like that song. It's catchy. They even have a high school band playing it. It's pretty ridiculous and funny.
Everything in my body hurts. Part of me wants to change something really bad but then the other part is like what's the use the damage has already been done. What will I accomplish in changing. And I say to myself nothing. Better to stay happy in my vices than to change again. Bc when I change it's never invited with a well welcome. It's like nobody appreciates it when I try to better myself. But whatever.
I want to say papa mo maw mow omgoodness. I found the lyrics. I love this song. It helps me feel whole inside. Like sometimes I get this little pain in my heart for whatever reason be it then I play this song and I feel ok again. Or rather I sing the tune in my head.
A papa-oom-mow-mow
A papa-oom-mow-mow
A papa-oom-mow-mow
A papa-oom-mow-mow
It's fun writing here. When I write here it feels like I ran a mile or something and did a big physical activity. I know my body isn't really moving but it feels like it. Maybe I get endorphins writing to you so it makes me feel like I'm excerciaing. Pretty cool. I feel like a little girl writing on your chalk board and trying to get your attention. Your like the sibsitute teacher and I'm like it's my board. It's my chalk. No one else's. Like all of it is mine and no one else can have that board or the chalk. So then I sit down and watch you write over the board like I never made a peep. Then I feel like the super cool kid bc we have the super cool kid agreement where I get take the pretty pink chaulk and write whatever I want. So I leave hearts and you have no clue what it means bc your like this big super fork teacher that doesn't understand anything. Your super cute my dork teacher. I miss you. Here's my chaulk writing and my fingers are all dirty. I'm just gonna sit down again and hopefully you'll actually start writing again and I can take notes again. I'm tired of how you keep making us watch movies. Where is all your teaching work gone. You have to be alive. I saw a picture of you at your work and you had grey hair. Remember when I had the dream of kissing you when you were an old man with grey hair. Part of me thinks that's still gonna happen one day. Don't hate me for saying that but hopefully you put up some good work and not nonsense. I'm tired of reading about rainbow time in wonderland. Like go back to philosophy and start really writing. Don't be a nuisance bc the rest of the kids won't understand how horrid you are. Your so horrid teacher that your willing to put on any make up just for attention. It's not cute or becoming. But I'm hoping you started to change o be the person you used to be. Part of me thinks you did bc I did write to you and protest everything you were doing. I'm just on a put a chaulk picture of us on a tree kissing and pretend. Kisssing first comes love then comes the breakup and now I'm just a little dumb broad that could get into so much trouble for writing you. I don't care yeah yeah yeah. I don't care yeah yeah yeah. Bc there will never ne anyone like you for the rest of my life.
You know what's super cool. It's cool how you don't delete anything I say even if it's nonsense or not legible. Like you leave it up there bc I'm that important and I'm glad you're letting me vent on here bc it's really therapeutic. If there is anyone on earth that I would want to be heard by it would be you. No one else. So yeah ahhhhhhhh thanked for letting me scream and rave on here. Something that has been bothering me. I always thought that the bad people would be reserected as well. That's what my childhood bible teacher told me. That bad people would get a chance to change. Lately my bible teacher says that only those that don't know god and the Bible will be reserected. So she saying that when the Bible says the unrighteous will be reserected. She says it means people who didn't get a chance to know what the Bible was and they made the wrong decisions. It really pissed me off. So I stopped going to church and want to change churches. Like if God I see a lov g god wouldn't he give people another opportunity. Especially when there are demons and they take over peoples lives and don't let them make good decisions. That it. I'm sorry but both us are sinful. I'm a fornicator and so are you. Like does that mean we won't get reserected that's what that woman kinda saying. So why is she having a fucking bible study with me. I thought Jesus dies for our sins so we could be forgiven if we commit adultry. Fornication etc.
Besides that I can't stand my boobs they're super big now that I'm fat. Like my bras don't fit anymore and I don't know if I should buy new bras or just wait till I lose weight. But it feels really gross to have such large breast. I only get rest when I take a shower.
I hope Jesus forgives us. Bc lord knows I'm far from perfect and I really look forward to the day I wont have any rhyme or reason to be scared. Or cry. Or be sad. Or miss. Or be not perfect. Or ok. Like o really can't wait till I wake up and perfection arrives. I can't wait. If I don't get to be there we'll at least I'm greatful for the great life I've lived. And greatful for the possibilities of cool things that can arise.
Also I'm annoyed bc this church doesn't like higher education. They're like saying to stay away from it. But many of them are college educated. How are you gonna pay for food without college.
Your such a dork I'm remembering the day we were in Irvine lake. And we started playing hide and seek sorta. But after you sang the Aladdin song the parody song that supposedly your friend made up. It's so funny. It's like really one of my favorite things to sing when I'm depressed or sad I just start singing. One time I tried singing it to someone and they didn't laugh. It was a guy and he was so grossed out by it. Or just didn't think it was funny. Me and my other friend just kept laughing. I miss seeing you sing that song to me. It was such a fun day that day. I don't know how relative that day is to the day we went to six flags. But it seemed like we were just friends during that time. I really wonder when it was that we went to the Irvine lakes. Who the hell knows but it was a super romantic day. I felt really pretty that day. I still can't believe I remembered that song so easily. It was so catchy. You know what sucks. I've never had a whole new world with new fantastic flavors to choose from. Like really. No cherry apple or anything. My life sucks. Hahaha you never bought me any either. Part of me want to wait and see if anyone will buy me fruity stuff when I'm old if I don't ever get it I'll probably will have to buy it myself.
You kinda suck. You promised me to buy me apple cherry etc. and I never ever got any sort of gift from you. I mean the fruit is there for a reason. It smells good and it's nutritious for you. And it has lots of fiber. Like etc etc etc. youNEVER BOUGHT ME ANY fruit. I'll just leave it at that. I sound like a crazy person but really I was expecting to see so much fruit in the future. You made me so excited. Lol not even kidding. Your such a jerk and a tease. Like you tricked me and told me that one day I would have fruit too. Your a bad Aladdin. I can't stop laughing. Ok. Aladdin is called street rat. It's not really funny just a little. Hopefully part me hopes to god that that stage in your life I a way past you. Aladdin your mean! I know how much you never like taking me out of my castle bc you say you can't afford all the nicer things in life. I hate you! See I never complained. I never said street rat where is my fruit? Well maybe I did in the end. I think I left you bc you never bought me any fruit.
It was like getting scraped on the knees everyday. And neither of the two children remembered that maybe if they would have bought aladdins banana flavor no one would have broken up with anyone. Like those two kids were like best friends. But I was tired of scraping my knees and not having like banana scented bandaids. It hurt way too much. That bicycle we tried to learn to ride was really hard to ride. So I kept falling and scrapping my knees. It hurt. It hurt it hurt it hurt so I ran screaming like a little girl bc I was sick of bleeding. Ok. I'm sorry. Maybe I was a bitch. But little girls like songs and fruit. I'm not the asshole here. So here is my chaulk. And I hope you know I miss playing with you. Maybe one day you will remember me and buy me some fruit. And get jafar the hell far away from me. He's super scary and sometimes super boring. And mostly creepy. I hate how creepy jafar is. That's the part I hate the most. Buy me some fruit and come back. You never said sorry for scraping my knees and that hurts the most. That's why it's hard for me to forget you especially bc I know how much you cared about me. But really you needed to say sorry. Not just cry about the blood that came out of my knees. Instead of crying we could ah e watched Aladdin and at each some fruit.
I don't care anymore. I'm well past it. I'm collecting many Disney movies. I don't have Aladdin yet. I watch the Disney movies when I can. It's entertaining. Ok. So don't think your so special bc you have cooler songs than what they play on the movies or cooler things to experience in real life. Like I know you have a magic carpet but you don't ever take me for a ride. So I'm ok. I just pretend to be a princess without you and remember the street rat left jasmin alone. Did you know that the pant ages theater is playing Aladdin. If you were super cool you would stop being a street rat. You would find the genie and take me to see Aladdin. It's ok if you don't. I won't go without you. It would probably make me cry bc I thought I was your beautiful tan jasmine. It's ok. I'll just watch Disney films and pretend that......
My legs are falling asleep. It hurts to sit the way I am. It hurts. Aladdin I hope your ok. I hope you have a nice place to sleep. That worries me the most. Please don't let anyone call you a dork or push you around or make you do anything you don't want to do. Take Jesus with you and pray.
Your Thomas the rabbit from the CS Lewis book and I'm the little girl. That's our parody. They're like best friends. I miss you Thomas the rabbit. Your one of the cutest rabbits I've ever owned. I miss your blue eyes. Bc they're endearing and fully aware. Awake. They're the most awake eyes I've seen in my life.
I'm gonna stop in the name of love. This isn't ok to continue on speaking about fruit etc. if I have May love I will stop it hurts to remember those days.
I do want to say is that I crave your attention so bad. It horrible. I don't even know what you did to yourself or what they did to you but I know your not the same rabbit or least we're not for a while.
It's ok. I have to go back to my imaginary world were I imagine we are still I. Love and still together. I will imagine I never dropped out of college and that I continued writing at a better position. I will imagine that you still wipe my tears and make me laugh. That you still burn me lots of music and tell me about cool things. I'm gonna pretend that you still crave to wax philosophically over me. Like you always did. I will pretend that I don't know what you mean and act all cute and polite like always for year a driving us both crazy. I will pretend that you don't miss me bc we're not that far from each other. I will pretend you have lots of good friends that are worried about you. I will pretend that your not stuck up. I will pretend that you know how attractive you are to me and how much blushing I make when your near. I will pretend that we are just friends and that I'm hiding how much I want you. I will pretend that we never got mad. I will pretend that I can still hear your voice. I will pretend that you went to the university and stopped being a street rat. I will pretend always so long as I feel alone or sad. I will always pretend when the worst get a hold of me. I will always pretend and say that Jesus made you for me so that I wouldn't slice my throat so I could be happy. So I could defend myself. I will always pretend that there is a good reason why I met you. I will pretend that I can still feel everything. I will pretend that I'm not numb. It's ok. And I'll do it while watching Aladdin. I will pretend and make believe so long as I'm still alive and want to see the sun set or daffodils or tulips. Or amorillas or Daisy's. Or baby's sprout or smell roses. And when I'm numb I will remember that one day I wasn't and that there was love. And that Jesus made sure I wasn't numb all my life bc you exsisted. So fuck Camus. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. But you took the numb away and I'm sure Jesus sculpted you just the way I needed you to be to drive me crazy. And as boring as you are so I could have my best friend. I like to say that we behaved ourselves really well for many years before we became bad. I love you. I love you I love you. So for now I'm a shut in and at least I ha e your memeory. Instead of fear I have happiness. I get scared I'll get murdered one day but I pray every day for deliverance from the demons so that any anger never makes anyone kill me. Bc I see a lot of anger from alcoholics.
I love being alone here to say whatever I please. No one knows me. I'm so unknown. None of my people know my guilty pleasure. Like it's so much fun to just pick up and write. And I'm sure no one reads my damn writing bc it's probably way to boring or just maybe no one notices what I have written. I'm glad I have a way to escape from my reality bc otherwise I don't know what I would do. I think just maybe I wouldn't be here anymore. Who the hell knows. I just know when I'm close to dying you always fucking find a way to keep me alive. I think that is what you call true love. Maybe we're not like super close buddies etc anymore but I swear if I were to almost die you would find a way to surpass the normal senses to get across to me and save me or like last time how you really called me when I almost died. I thank Jesus I got to meet you. That's all I can say. I hope your still alive. I wonder what you could do for my future. Bc your always full of surprises. I miss being adorned by your presence.
There is a new mole in the area you used to kiss where the mole is. A new one. It's annoying me. I hate it. And I don't have a mole kisser either. It's kinda sad knowing there will ever only be one mole aficionado of kissers which is you. I miss having my miles kissed. It was really a delightful experience and sorta made me love my moles and not despise them. For now I will have to keep hating the new mole bc you never got to kiss it. I swear if you would of have gotten the chance to kiss it I wouldn't get so annoyed by that mole. It's hideous. Holy cow I just noticed that the mole you used to kiss. It's fading. Like really fading. And actually it might be a freckle. Not a mole bc it's way to small. Well the new mole is really bright and big. I also miss having my hands kissed. Maybe only Aladdin'a kiss hands. Oh well I'll kiss my own hand. I could tell someone to kiss my hand but it wouldn't be the same. I could tell someone to kiss my moles but it wouldn't be the same. So it's better to just remember that there was a day when such things happened and they just did. Ewwww I'm talking about coodies and I gonna get a demerit Mr. Burner or teacher burner. Are you still a substitute teacher or did you get your credentials. Hmmmm?!?!??
They're freckles. Freckles. Many annoying freckles. Moles are big and fat. That would be so romantic if you kissed my moles. I'm not an ugly bitch witch that's why I don't have moles. Don't ever kiss a mole girl. They're witches I tell you.
I just had a nightmare. I was a hotel Hilton with summer, my dad, my mom, Sharon. Summer took forever to get there. And she really liked Sharon's outfit and I told her that was Japanese style. Than my high school friend who is Japanese said that her little sister was a designer now. And that she won't go to Europe like the big part but
That she goes to Japan all the time to work on her fashion. So then I'm at a Hilton restaurant with my dad and no one is showing up. The aired says he will bring me some chicken soup and leave. The whole place looks super empty. I move and I see my brother and his ex wife in a hotel room as well. My mom is out of site. So next I'm sitting with my dad and
The stage gets the que que que on it. I get super scared and my dad gets up and takes me with him. So we walk out and there are all these red necks coming in. My phone won't work a lot my mom is missing and I get scared. My dad finds the car. Next thing I know I'm back with my Japanese friends at a slumber party. And my school is coming to the Hilton to play band music. Also I find my dad and mom in a hotel room like from distant vision and the big speakers starts making fun of them. Kissing. Is said over the radio head. I get super scared and look for them and they don't show up. And it looks like the que que que will come into kill them. I woke up from the dream. When I woke I heard the word turpentine and the word 6 am come up. The tree outside has an ex like it's gonna be cut down. Turpentine comes from tree sap. It really flammable. So you can imagine my hear tcame out my chest. I'm still feeling really scared. I hope my daddy is ok. I hope my Japanese parents neighbor from childhood is ok. Part of me thinks this happened bc I kept getting text and I thought they were from Amy the neighborhood que que que lady. It says marilyn you can have these jobs. It wasn't amy. Either way I'm all shaken up. In the dream
I had a cheap phone that looked like it wouldn't work at any time. I don't like how many of my closest friends were at the Hilton especially bc of how many different white races they represent. Sharon and summer are Spanish which is like Mexican which is like not looked upon nicely. Just to
Give you an idea. I'm so scared Kelly. I'm tired of living where I live. I get scared someone will say something about me being with my boyfriend bc he is smaller than me and whiter. He's not big like I am. It's scary. Once summer got possessed and made fun of me and him so I don't talk to her. She didn't like him one bit. I hate feeling this way. No one is ever mean to us. Everyone that sees us smiles and likes seeing us together but inside I feel like my skin crawls sometimes. He's Irish and I may be part Irish but I sure don't really look like the type of Irish he is. And that scares me. I get really scared sometimes. I ignore it but that dream I had last night is super scary. So scary that I don't know if I should stay in or run to check my. Car to see if it is ok. Also I can't get over how all the Asian kids acted like nothing would happen bad to them. They were not scared and they knew they were playing for the que que que. Say it slowly and you will understand.
I know your alive bc the picture is of you. It has your hair color in the bakery website. No one else has a picture of you. I checked last night. I hate my dreams. I pray to Jesus that everyone I love is protected.
I feel insecure since Summer made that mean comment and made fun of my boyfriend to me. Since then I don't feel ok bc of how sunny he is. But really I don't care. He's super handsome to me and when I saw him I said I would want my kids to inherit his boyish good looks. And he's smart. I hate the dream I had because it felt real. Like I don't even know how the fuck I walked out of that situation with my dad when they all had there capes on stage etc. it was super creepy. Especially how we could not find the car. I kinda hate summer. She I saw a white supremist. Around the time she made fun of my boyfriend she also made fun of me bc I got a tan. She was envious. She said I looked like a Thailand striped or something. Or a Mexican housewife bc of my nails and my tan. She was crazy and pregnant then.
I hate my dream it makes me feel really scared Kelly. I hate my dream. I just remembered there is turpentine in my room in the closest In my desk at my parents house. I'm sitting with my bat to feel better. I don't know what I'm gonna do when the evening comes around here. I feel like getting drunk to forget my worries. Also I need to stop feeling weird around my boyfriend people looks at us like whatever or like we are cute. Like we never make a big scene when we walk around. So it's stupid for me to feel this way. Also no one ever think I'm the races summer brought up. So I need to stop worrying. Also maybe I need to go out to a restaurant today and go eat or cook me up something special and spoil myself so I feel better. I don't know what but I'm glad summer is out of the picture. Like that last thing I need is someone making me feel inferior. Like I know your whiter than me you trashy bitch but my parents are not drug addict like yours. My mom is a respectable lady and my dad went to Harvard. So keep making fun of me you dumb white trash lady. Like I hate her. She's so fucking stupid. I hate her. I get scared sometimes bc her dad is still able to walk around. Hes a drug dealer. And the mom is in a coma in a hospital from a drug over dose permanently. I may be a bitch talking about my ex best friend on here I don't care anyone. She got really envious of me and the Irish dude and started saying some really mean things to me on Facebook. When I looked super fancy none the less. She also part Indian. Which is funny you can see her Indian features yet she's really fucking racist. I'm just glad I'm with a nice Irish man. There are things I don't like about him but he's nice. That's all that matters. I don't always feel 100 percent protected by him. Also it's so stupid bc I do look Irish. The guy who killed himself was Irish and I look just like one of his sisters. Most of his siblings have blue eyes but that one that I look like doesn't. She has my colored eyes.
Oh my goodness. Look at the news. It's super scary creepy news. It's about Berlin and
How the president is signing a bill to say the holocust had nothing to do with them and is making it illegal to call them nazis etc. so creepy. So basically they don't want there country slandered. Also I checked about the Hilton 3 people in a car got chased by a gunmen. And one of them ran into a Hilton to hide. Pretty scary. Checks the news today.
https://news.google.com/news/amp?caurl=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.washingtonpost.com%2Fnews%2Fworldviews%2Fwp%2F2018%2F02%2F06%2Fpolish-president-to-sign-holocaust-bill-despite-international-concerns%2F#pt0-478441
It's been like 11 days since the national don't forget the holocaust day was. I know bc I was looking at my favorite Jewish actress Instagram and she posted the shoes they have displayed at the museum. It's pretty scary my dream about those que que que people showing up on stage. Then today I wake up to hear really scary news on the tv. It's like morning cover news. So freaking scary. Poland is were all the scary things happened and they want to make it illegal to describe the camps etc.
I was gonna say that I'm scared of summer bc she is skinny again after two kids. Something no one does. So yeah I think she is going drugs again and probably is just getting them from her father. So I'm scared of her.
I ate vegetarian chorizo with eggs this morning. I don't know if you have ever had it but it's pretty good. Chipotles vegetarian meat taste a little sorta like chorizo if you ever want to try it. I don't know we're they sell the real stuff at a restaurant. I'm
Not really into Mexican restaurants. Bc they use a a lot of lard and grosses me out a whole lot. And makes me want to barf. Otherwise just go to the market and buy some. The Spanish chorizo is very good. And so is salvadorean. They have so many types I go for Mexican vegetarian. Bc I don't really like eating pork.
I'm am banning myself from writing for a long time. Also would you believe me if o said I had a black boyfriend? You better believe me. He black and he is tall. He handsome. I even been to Africa. Ok. So yeah. Hahahah I'm crazy you will never know bc I'm very secretive. Nothing of this sort matters. I fell asleep while my black boyfriend went to work. But enough about my black boyfriend.
I hate how I feel lately I can't leave the house. Like right now I want to go find something to eat and I won't leave bc I'm scared. Like honestly it would be nice to go to Starbucks and drink a coffee and get a sandwich. But I'm scared to leave the house. I hate myself. My black boyfriend doesn't help one bit. He just makes me go out with him when we have to do things but he doesn't know what kind of social anxiety I have. I think him being black makes it worse. I'm trapped. Also he takes forever to leave the house so my social anxiety is worse bc of that. I don't know why it just is.
I have allergies and it's horrible. You know what I love the most I love the vanilla shots they have at Starbucks. They're super good. It makes coffee go to another level of awesome.
I miss you. I think I miss you bc your white and not black. I'm tired of dating a black man. I thought bc he was black we would get married really fast but no. Black men are players. You were never a player. I kinda hate having a black boyfriend. He's not very romantic and it always feels like he is in another planet. Like I'm not part of his black life. It's sucks.
You can imagine how mad my parents were bc I left with an older black man. My dad doesn't care that he went to college and got a masters. He doesn't like him. When I told him I wanted to get married he said no. Most people don't see his inherit africaness but it there and very visible. I never knew I would end up leaving you and then ending up with a black man. It's so weird. He's not nice like you were. He likes feeding me and making me fat. Like he likes fat woman. It's horrible.
Black people are different. He makes me feel uncomfortable sometimes. He likes laughing at me and it's not nice. He talks like a creole man you know french black talk. He only does it behind door. He pulls out the french and weird English words. I don't like him when he is like this bc he is mean and he likes talking about having many girl friends. And being a ladies man. It's gross. So I learned french through him and took a french course so he would love me more. He likes making fun of my french accent bc it doesn't sound African enough. He I saw such a bully. Everyone sees behind is pretty eyes and they want him bc he black. All my girlfriends flirted with him and tried to sleep with him or try to get him as their boyfriend. It's horrible. That's what I get for dating someone who is black.
I was hoping you would get envious or jealous of my black boyfriend. I was hoping you would get so jealous you would run to the university and try to better yourself. Like this is no lie he has a masters. I used to make him viewable by other people but now I leave it at a very personal basis bc we've been together too long and he won't marry me. I read before that black men won't get married soon. And that they're players. So yeah but at least I have food. And a roof over my head. I can't complain. I don't cheat on him. I'm a good girl other than writing to you like a crazy bitch. So you know it didn't work. I didn't get the full advantage I was looking for.
Everything I wrote doesn't matter. I'm atrocious and I'm sorry. I will write whatever it takes to get a response from you. Like really I know it's over. It doesn't matter nothing does. I just know that if I were you. If I was in your shoes. I would stop blogging like you were and I would go to the damn university bc I know you got accepted. I'm sorry. To Ben honest I don't feel ok telling you anything about what my life is like now. I just like pretending nothing has changed so I can forget everything I've done. Please just go to school and respond to the university you applied to. I know I meant nothing to you. Also my boyfriend doesn't look black bc he's not black colored. But he says he is black and sometimes I believe him but who the hell knows. I'm sorry for being such a bad friend and not writing more important notes.
I'm just and at you bc you never cared enough to be my friend again. Just bc I broke up with you doesn't mean you had to be so cold and just forget about me. You've had so many gf and you never care about how stupid I am. Like really I'm stupid. And maybe it would have been nice if you would have kept in contact with me.
I left the house. Someone was playing pantera and it made me feel relaxed. I get creeped out sometimes how quiet this city is with people in dressy clothes. It scares me that one of them will explode one day and hurt people. Noisy people at least get some kind of release.
Yeah I think I have social anxiety disorder bc he says he is black. It doesn't make sense but it makes me feel really uncomfortable.
I did something to make myself feel better. I left the house. The fresh air made me feel better.
I wish I had you here. I don't know where you get your attitude or your personality. But I really miss you. I feel crazy without you. I feel really fucking crazy without you. Your personality grounds me and helps me feel like I'm alive. When I'm without you it feels like I'm falling off a cliff and I don't know how to save myself.
I haven't met enough people from Were you grew up so I don't know if it's from that area. I also feel really insecure without you. I can't stop feeling ugly. Like a slob. Uneducated. Gross. Evil at times. Like I don't know why I feel so bad. I hate it. When you are around I always feel like no what happen I will be safe somehow. I don't know what you do.
So excuse me if I sound irrational and crazy on paper. I also love how you would listen to juanez. Like I loved that about you. It was super cute. My boyfriend is so racist. I hate it. I hate how racist he is. It makes me feel crazy as hell. Yet he gets mad when I say something about black people. There are certain things about his personality that make me think he really is black. Bc he doesn't act like a white guy. I crying inside bc I don't know what to do how to get your attention how to do anything. I just know that I feel lost without you. I think if I am crazy and I did go crazy it's bc I expected to see you again. Since I didn't I'm a little crazy. Like just a little crazy without you. I hate it especially when I can hear your voice. I don't tell anyone. But I'm scared it's a demon that won't leave me the fuck alone. I hate it. I can't wait till this nonsense ends.
I miss all the release you gave me. When we are together you somehow make me release so much stress on my back and shoulders. I'm so stressed out without you. Like it feels like nothing will ever get better without you. My internal feeling bc otherwise my life is ok. It just that inside I feel insane.
I think it has to do with your flesh. Maybe the way you smell or feel but I miss feeling your flesh. Your flesh always makes me feel ok and takes my uneasiness away. Your face your features. The way you talk. Like I can't relax without you. A lot of people make me feel so I'm relaxed. I miss you.
You know why I like you bc I can go to any neighborhood and we would be fine. You wouldn't start complaining about where we were or anything. My boyfriend won't go anywhere unless it's a very expensive white neighborhood. And I hate that about him. That's bc your Aladdin. I miss Aladdin bc he's street smart. As much as I see you as an intellectual. Your actually Aladdin. And your a little of a bad boy. Like I miss you bc of how bad you are. And how Aladdin you are. Like jafar won't go anywhere. He has to live in the palace to be ok. And he only expects like the most precious and most exquisite things in life. He's a snob. I miss my Aladdin. I miss your flesh. The color of your skin is so pretty. I miss hearing your heart beat. And I miss your laughter and I miss all the stupid things you do. I miss the fortress of your books. Like I don't know what they did to you but even if you don't like all your books at least it gave you your personality. I miss your tiny sexy lips. Your little mouth is super cute. I miss being kissed by you bc when you kiss me there not a doubt in the world that I'm the most beautiful woman you've ever seen. You even start to shed a tear bc I'm so beautiful. I will never have that love again and. That's the part that hurts the most. Even if you don't kiss me. When I'm in the room you can tell how beautiful I am to you.
If truism is correct than this statement means something. What could it possibly mean or rather what factors are part of this truism? Well, for one, two sentences have been written, then the third having been completed, makes it one sentence away from making it a true paragraph. Despite there possibly not being a response to deem it a true statement. I can conclude that it is to stand true in existence:
the words that follow.
In truism there are points to be retracted from it; there are points that sometimes would easily debunk the truism into a stance of opposing meaning. For that reason we will conclude that it existence is still aligned with truism even if the intended doesn't read thence making it a true statement. So now we must observe " the statement ", that these words are true in existence. Was there another part that was not intercepted due to the slop of my consciousness or thus maybe the intersect of truism isn't thus a true statement bc the graph is not aligned into the retrospect of visibility? Thus the words must be kept proceeding, then and only then is there a slight possibility of deeming my statement a hard true fact.
Those words being frivolous are still the brightest of exemplifying truism. Truism being the position of something being factual and factual being the position of representing something of a greater meaning that signifies. Significance, is something that is drifting between two mediums, one of a lesser weight and another of a greater weight. The weight of significance is not what matters but the position of ever being in remembrance to signify significant and factuality.
In, mediums, there are but three meanings to this word. A medium is one who can conjure information without a relay of messages; a medium is one who tries to expose truism. On another level a medium is a substance that someone uses to expose truism in a finite perspective. A medium is not to be confused with medium the center of all sums added and then divided by the times of entry. So in the realm of truism a medium attempts to figure truism can almost never be without the medium of truth.
In my statement my medium is words and I trying to unite the medium of all entries to extricate the factual intentions of the unresponsive reader. My medium is of truism in it being existent but maybe not so it the fact that a medium can be divided out that signifies truism for the flavors of my medium are of many invariable entries.
I'm sorry that my attempt to signify truism in my being of a spectacle wearing of a lesser value of an individual that can clearly be made fun of for entering too many truthful in existence entries. Maybe the truism of the number of entries should not be divided out into a medium but rather held truthful in the weight of the medium. For weight has value and in this truism there isn't one other individual enumerating more truism of weight than I. So my truism is cooler than cool.
Do I want to kiss you, if I have a boyfriend: no. Do I want to flatter you: yes. Do I want to come off as a nutty nut: no. Do I want to come off this page of truism: yes. Do I like ever wandering in the realm of varying flavors of truism: no and yes. Do I think myself a tad bit crass: yes. Do I think my truism matters to you: no. Do I think it's cute to elude you to think that I am without words enthralled by you: no. Do I worry about our truism as friends: yes. Do I like employing truism and possibly other notions that expand on truism: yes. Do I do: no. Do you know what this means? It means my truism doesn't need anyone's assistance to stand merrily in truism. Is it true that my wording is contrarian and illusively confusing: yes. But only you can prevent a Forrest fire. Forrest fire meaning, getting lost in my fiction of truism.
Silence, what is silence? What is silence for? Where does silence come from? If it comes from somewhere, that somewhere is a noise, static noise, is still noise. What does silence do?
Silence is the moment that not one audible noise is heard, it is in fact the opposite of wavelengths being composed. But in being silent existence exist and in existence there is no silence.
For we breath and in breathing we send out energy. And in being is where the silence must come. For being is without silence, so is silence even a real thing. Can silence really procure anything if it isn't real? It can, the opposite of silence for when we think we are silent, there are words being sent out. In silence there is much meaning, thus making silence for its true retrieval of meaningful position pointless.
Is static noise ever heard. When you get goosebumps do you ever think about how silence is the cause of it. For where there is silence, noise excels at a constant speed. That speed is faster than the noise itself.
This noise ever so present does numerous things to intended. For the one receiving silence is achieving far greater things than the one indenting not to be heard. The silence thence causes much more noise in the heart of the one wishing to be silent. The one receiving silence is oblivious to the silence but hear the static noise. That noise is in itself way louder than the missing words. For if one want to be meaningful in silence one should be ever so boastful. In being boastful more is accomplished than ever being silent.
The only silence that is ever so real is not existing. And in not existing is ever so useful for. So if your silent who are you really trying to fool. To be truly silent you must be talking to yourself and no one. And in speaking to yourself you will find vast silence for there is where you can create a space for silence. So people stop silencing and wasting precious time.
I hope I wil be with noise tomorrow bc my whereabouts is fat and dangerous.
Far
There are like 6 definitions for medium. One of them is actually a liquid; I wrote bc I'm sorry I didn't do this essay correctly teacher. I was actually doing something else and wrote it in haste. Yet I will say it would be fun to refine that essay. Maybe next time I will actually use a dictionary to express what I wanted to convey.
Also it's was meant to make you laugh bc median is a word that was lost in mentioning. But now that I see my error it isn't as cute or as laughable. I'm on my way home and when I get home I gonna read it over again and see what can be changed. Horrible me for being such an idiot.
What is beauty? Is it the peach fuzz on ones face? Is it the vastness of your knowledge? Is it the curvature of your body? Is it presence? Is it unmentionable poise? Is beauty even necessary as for dissertation?
For the past few days I've been viewing this woman on Instagram; her presence isn't innocuous. Every time I veer over her pictures I cringe in disgust and to my present understanding by far the most physically monstrous. Yet the beauty of her garb captivates me for every minute that passes by. Is it possible for me to look over her obvious ugliness when in presence of her overwhelming fashionably beautiful ensemble? I guess yes bc I'm accustomed to seeing her now and for the past week.
Then I ask myself, how the hell is it possible for someone so ugly to have such beautiful outfits. How is it even possible to see others of true physical beauty without such taste. So then I ask who won the beauty contest? Which is more natural? How can I even begin to understand the myriad of differences between two such people.
For one they're both beautiful. One with more potential than the other and in my case I would root for the fashionably beautiful lady. For if she worked enough maybe her figure would get a gentler scope. Maybe if she saved a little more money she could even get a nose job, but then one questions that maybe just maybe that nose will add personality. Who's to know in a different figure.
Then I ask about my beauty. How is her beauty relative to mine? Why must I even compare her beauty to mine. When I think about me I don't gauge my beauty on exterior appearances. Which has a double end measure for I being so crass to the exterior of the woman I mentioned. You would think I would have to measure up to be able to begin to mention her. To be frank I would say my beauty is not full rank. You can view it in so much as I write. My writing is so very lacking in eloquence.
Beauty is beauty as beauty will always be beauty. Beauty is not measurable but something to soak up when it is made permissible. Beauty is not under a subject header of standards, beauty is just beauty and there is beauty in the hideousness of the so called un-beauty. So am I beautiful? Is the question. Am I so very beautiful? Will I ever be deemed beautiful. Maybe not. Maybe I will always be seen as the mold that grows in a doctors shower. Maybe I will never get to grow in the photographers shower. Maybe my beauty isn't in the right intercept.
My Pain, Not YOurs.
My nails hurt.
Everyday my nails hurt.
It feels like my nails are wearing out.
Are nails the window to ones soul?
Doctors would say yes.
You can tell a lot about someone's health if you analyze their nails.
The furrow on my nails are alarming.
I ask myself what has happened to me, how did I ever become so nutrient deficient.
I know, I know why my nails hurt.
It how far away you are to me.
It's how far you went away.
Everyday that past my position in life hurt just a little bit more.
It was made obvious my uneasiness and made easy prey for others.
So I live with this pain and the stuff I have to take that takes away all my nutrition from my nails.
Yet even though I have pain I find a way to continue.
I find enumerable remedies and notions of other to stop the pain.
So my soul is a bit lacking.
It's not as bright and as beautiful as others.
But one say it will end.
One day my daily intake of vitamins and my daily intake of milk will fade the pain away.
One day I will learn to mask my pain.
Sister Water.
I like it when you nuzzle me to bed and there is no one there. I like how soft you are against my skin. I like how the wall doesn't complain with hot hot fury but is cool to the touch as i rub my extremities on it. I like how as I sleep you watch over me so I stay warm enough. I like your fiber content and most of all I love how fluffy you are. You don't know your sister water. Your sister water rushes down my back with little pressurized points. You don't know how much your sister loves me and never complains about how cold she is without my touch and a turn of the nob. I love how she stays up at all hours waiting to clean the filth off my skin. I love how she never complains about all the bottles I stuff her abode with deterring away from her beauty as if the bottles had more importance. I want you to know that even though you don't get to meet your sister she knows she has a brother that loves her.
How to smile.
Yes I know I'm deaf. I know I cannot hear but when you watch me as I go, do not mock the elders. Do not laugh at the ones that are deaf. For deaf people are wiser than the fleas on a scholars back. When you see me walking and if I do not see the signals heeding me to stop. Then alarm me and hold my should back before I make another proceeding. Do not laugh when I don't hear the things that need to be heard. Do not laugh in a remote distance as I make the most important mistakes. You do not know what it's like to be deaf. Where there is silence, there is a monstrous amount. So when you see the silence as I pass do not think that my life is not full of flavors from bitter to sour and then seeet. Do not think that you must know everything that is seen under your microscope. When I became deaf I made an agreement to smile everyday. So do. Or laugh when you see me smiling in every direction. Don't think your silence bothers the deaf.
Shoulder * sweet* do not*
The other day I saw a lady posting something about white privilege and some musician screaming profanities about how she hates white people. It made me cry when I saw what she posted about not being able to live in a nice. Neighborhood . It made me cry when she spoke about not respecting white people. And it made me laugh bc she is white if a scientist asked. She made me cry when she didn't know this and she sounded so ignorant as she blasted the African American ranting in rap. She made me embarrassed when I saw all her pretty images standing at Disneyland. It made me sad bc if she was serious she wouldn't even step foot there. Like did she ever ask herself why are there no black people at Disneyland. I cried inside for her. Poor girl. I cried bc she posted this rap after someone said something about her elementary school picture and how she didn't get to be white privileged. I felt embarrassed. I felt embarrassed for our society and most of all for her. I hope one day someone tells her she's white and not African.
It made me cry bc I know she wasn't raised in school with people of other color. It made me cry bc really I felt insulted and really mad. I don't like it when people start talking ill about other races. It made my stomach hurt and made me want to never see her posting again. It infuriated me how she has a white boyfriend with blue eyes and how she didn't think about how it would make him feel. She is such a bitch. All she does is post pictures of old time movie actresses that are white. Like are you crazy. Why are you posting white females if you hate white people so much. Your not a lesbian. She needs a therapist. I hate people with issues. I used to love her picture blog but not anymore.
Who the hell do I know maybe she is black. Which makes it even worse. I used to think she was just a little tan. Maybe she is black but really what crazy black girl would just swoon over white people and then blatantly say I hate the living guts out of you and I wish you were dead.
What makes me more embarrassed is how she compares herself to other actresses. She will post pictures of herself that are similar in stance but not in figure. Like why are you comparing yourself to them. You don't look like them. You're pretty the way you are. Then start videotaping hate messages to white people that follow you. Your just as bad as the que que que.
As I whine and mop away I see the glistening in my eyes come back.
As I lie down and stretch out my body I see some comfort being put forth into me.
As I lay tied to the phone I remember what it is about complaining next to you.
As the time passes by I remember how vested you could be.
It relaxes my nerves to be able to expand on the every point that makes me oh so uncomfortable.
As I lay here I wish I could be in a pool of water. I wish I could forget to care to write and wish I had more wordage to dish out.
I wish I didn't have to be.
To be is to feel the weight of my flesh and to be is to sit a bit in agony.
At least I walked a lot today and got to have some fun in the sun.
I want to be happy and be surrounded by happy people online but everyday there is only pages of complaints.
To be happy.
Is to be happy.
To sit happy.
To smile happy.
To feel the massage of happiness.
To feel the warmth of happiness.
To nullify the pain with happiness.
To be massaged with happiness is far more important than any other being.
Being this way is the best.
To write of happiness.
To feel the pp I ness in happiness.
The word protrudes a feeling of happiness even without being happy for any particular reason.
I meditate on happiness
I lost all the unhappiness.
I lost my bag of unhappy thoughts.
And filled them with sun rays and billowing clouds, and the treasures of softness, tranquility of heart and being.
My being is being in happiness for being sake.
Mope *
I don't want to hurt you. I just want to love you. I don't want to hurt you. I just want to love you. Spacer woman. Lol
I don't want to hurt you. I just want to write to you. I don't want to hurt you. I just want to write to you.
I'm at peace today. I can't tell you why but I'm super lucky today. Remember you told me that one day you were not welcome at a certain place and expected to sleep outside. Well today I'm lucky bc I get to be at a place I'm normally not at. It's super cool fun being here and alone at times. It's super cool fun and I can't tell you why. It's like a brick came off my head, neck and all over my body. I'm free and I'm free and I'm happy. Oh no I did three ands.
I'm so relaxed. It's nice. I'm super lucky today. I miss being in my old car with my friend and talking about you or our next day of being hanging out. I miss relaxing here where I am. I miss those days like no other back then I could do things without worrying about nothing. I have way too many things that make me worry now a days. I can't even help how much I worry. Yet I get by. It's ok. I find a way out of my worrying.
I gotta say good bye bc I don't have anything interesting to add and I need to make sure o don't say anything that will embarrass me again.
I don't always miss everything. There were times we got into arguments and I certainly don't miss those days.
Now a days I don't ever get into arguments with people like we did in the old days. It's different. And the worry I have is less and more. I can't really gauge the difference but it's different.
Good night and sweet dreams. And have a splendid day tomorrow.
You know what I'm envious of. I'm envious of whoever gets to eat all the gorgeous pastries you make. I can imagine how nice it must be to have a baker who knows all the tricks to making pastries. I wish I couldn't be the one eating all the yummy gooey pastaries you make. I bet whoever eats your pastaries is super lucky. Lemon mirange pie. Boysenberry pie. Cranberry scones. Banana cream pie. Pumpkin pie. French pastaries. The list could go on. Chocolate muffins. You probably spoil your friends. I can bake but oh how I wish I had someone who could bake me stuff. I'm tired of baking and cooking. Yet I loved home cooking. Oh well. I'll just go to a cafe and pretend someone made it for me. I like it when you feed me. It wasn't all the time. But the few times you fed me was like a romantic dream. You're so romantic when we eat together.
I just remember saying no to when you would want to buy me something. I feel bad for saying no but oh well. I would always say no when you asked me if I wanted in and out. I just wanted to lose weight so I would say no.
lemon meringue *
There are about 306 entries. I wrote you a small book. Lol. I wrote you a small book. Can you believe it. I can't. I can't believe I ever got the courage to write to you at length. I never thought I would do it and I have.
Did you know I'm a zombie. Brains. I want brains. Why isn't there anymore brainiac writing on here. I miss knowing my favorite pal is still kicking and screaming. I hate how quiet you are. You need to write so I know your alive and not dead inside. Say something. Say something. Ahhhhhhh ahhhhhhh ahhhhhh ahhhhh ahhhh ahhhhh ahhhh ahhh ooooooo ahhhhhh oooooo ahhhh whaaaaa whaaaa whaaa whaaa whaaa whaaa
I'm done. I'm not done. I'm done. I'm not done. I need to go to sleep. You know what's funny I forgot how tall you are. I really forgot how tall you are. Like in number form. I wish you could hold me and go around in circles like the old days. It was like the most fun I have ever had or like when you used to carry me. I miss being carried by you. No one has ever carried me as Ann adult. It you. I'm so lucky I got to be carried and twirled around. I won't ever forget it. It will be in my memory forever. For now I will have to go on a roller coaster and pretend someone is carrying me.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh no one lets me scream on paper without making me feel crazy. I love you for letting me scream on paper. Ahhhhhhhhhh I love you yeah yeah yeah I love you yeah yeah yeah with a love like that you know it can't be bad bad bad oh wait it's she loves you yeah yeah yeah
If I fell in love with you
Would you promise to be true
And help me understand
'Cause I've been in love before
And I found that love was more
Than just holding hands
If I give my heart to you
I must be sure
From the very start
That you would love me more than her
Hey Jude don't be a fool sing a sad song and make it better the minute you let her into your heart then you can't start to feel.better. Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah hey Jude
Michele my belle do do do do do do do
This is my favorite song. I used to sing it in the car when I was driving away from California. And in the end you told me to get the hell back so I did I would sing this song with sadness bc we were not together anymore but it made me happy also. I kept praying that you would want me back.
We were both young when I first saw you
I close my eyes and the flashback starts
I'm standing there on a balcony in summer air
See the lights, see the party, the ball gowns
See you make your way through the crowd
And say hello
Little did I know
That you were Romeo, you were throwing pebbles
And my daddy said, "Stay away from Juliet"
And I was crying on the staircase
Begging you, please, don't go
And I said,
"Romeo, take me somewhere we can be alone
I'll be waiting, all that's left to do is run
You'll be the prince and I'll be the princess
It's a love story, baby just say yes
So I sneak out to the garden to see you
We keep quiet 'cause we're dead if they knew
So close your eyes, escape this town for a little while
'Cause you…
I'm crying every time you leave California you don't tell me anything. Then when you come back you want to see me to see if I'm ok. It's no fare. Why do you get to stop me and I don't ever get to stop you. Your not fare. Like why is ok for you just to run away and not ask me if it's ok. Or ask me if I think you should do other things like go to college instead of being a wandering man.
If I, I get to know your name
Well if I, could trace your private number, baby
All I know is that to me
You look like you're lots of fun
Open up your lovin' arms
I want some, want some
I set my sights on you (and no one else will do)
And I, I've got to have my way now, baby
All I know is that to me
You look like you're having fun
Open up your lovin' arms
Watch out here I come
You spin me right round, baby
Right round like a record, baby
Right round round round
You spin me right round, baby
Right round like a record, baby
Right round round round
I got to be your friend now, baby
And I would like to move in just a little bit closer
All I know is that to me
You look like you're lots of fun
Open up your lovin' arms
Watch out, here I come
I really don't like the lyrics to this song but I love the melody. It's so much fun to dance too. It's one of my favorite songs.
Isn't it nice
Sugar and spice
Luring disco dollies
To a life of vice
I can make a film
And make you my star
You'll be a natural
The way you are
I would like you
On a long black leash
I will parade you
Down the high streets
You've got the attraction
You've got the pulling power
Walk my doggie
Walk my little sex dwarf
We can make a scene
We'll be a team
Making the headlines
Sounds like a dream
When we hit the floor
You just watch them move aside
We will take them
For a ride of rides
They all love your
Miniature ways
You know what they say
About small boys
Sex dwarf
Sex dwarf
Sex dwarf
Sex dwarf
I'm a Rolls Royce
Look its so huge!
It's big and it's gold
With my dumb chauffeur
Looking to procure
Run little doggie
Lure a disco dolly
Run my little sex dwarf
I feel so lonely
Get my…
Charlie puth another great melody. Hate the lyrics.
No, this is not goodbye
I swear that I'm gonna change
No, baby, please don't cry
It doesn't have to end this way
'Cause when I think of all the nights I'll be alone
I get terrified
Please don't say goodbye
'Cause girl, if you leave me now
If you give it up and just walk right out
You will take the biggest part of me
And all the things that I believe
Baby, if you leave me now (yeah)
This was our song. One of our favorite songs.
Spirit in the sky.
When I die and they lay me to rest
Gonna go to the place that's the best
When I lay me down to die
Goin' up to the spirit in the sky
Goin' up to the spirit in the sky
That's where I'm gonna go when I die
When I die and they lay me to rest
Gonna go to the place that's the best
Prepare yourself you know it's a must
Gotta have a friend in Jesus
So you know that when you die
He's gonna recommend you
To the spirit in the sky
Gonna recommend you
To the spirit in the sky
That's where you're gonna go when you die
When you die and they lay you to rest
You're gonna go to the place that's the best
Never been a sinner I never sinned
I got…
You want to know what I'm dying of. I'm dying of parasitosis that's why I'm writing you. In my hand there is a big worm or parasite I don't know which I've been contemplating whether I should cut it out and then stop the bleeding with powder alum. The doctor is gonna say again that it's just stretch marks. I want to pull it out and make sure it stays out. Then I'm gonna put it in a poop container for the doctor to analysis. I thought the herb I bought killed it but it's still alive. When I touch it it hurts like hell my vitamin deficient will know it has to be a worm and not a tendon. I haven't gone to see you bc I'm worried about my health. And I need to figure out how to cure my illness. I saying the pills they gave me had this parasite otherwise it came from a piece of salmon I at every once. I saw a big worm in a salmon I ate. I'm not scared to die. I just wonder how long I have till I die. And I wonder how many worms there are. I'm gonna buy an exsacto knife and take it out this week. I'm sick of it feeding off of me. Sorry if I grossed you out. That's my punishment. That's what I got for leaving you. I'm dying of parasites.
Maybe it's a tendon. I once had a tendon knott and they had to remove it with surgery. I'm gonna go to the doctor and not tell the mom I think it's a worm. I'm just gonna scream and tell them that it hurts where the round ridge is. I'll scream in front of them so they take me seriously. Then they will have to do a biopsy. Or what if it's a vein. It doesn't pulsate I don't want to bleed to death. So yeah I'm gonna do my hardest to get the doctors to remove it.
God I hate it. Also I don't see any others on my skin and my poop never comes out with anything. But it looks like some huge worm trapped in my hand. It's super gross. I hope I survive this. I hope they take it out and figure out what it Is.
I used to think how gross that I could be housing worms/parasites. Then after a while of trying different medicines and not really knowing if it made the situation better realized that it isn't that bad. I know it was bad but I knew also that it wasn't so bad that my blood samples came out positive for a parasitic infection. So I got over it and thought: how cool I'm housing parasites. They're interesting worms and parasites. Like without me they wouldn't have a home to eat or sleep in. At least my body was used for something and not nothing at all. I just don't want to see them anymore bc they're an eye sore. If I die bc of a parasitic infection than it doesn't really matter at least I'll find a slow and easy death. If I stay alive and somehow they end up making me retarded than woe is me.
I love this song.
1 2 3 4 tell me that you love me more. Oh oh oh oh you're changing your heart 3456 tell me that
It's by Feist.
If by chance that I do try to find out if your dead, it would be so sad if you were dead. I think I would buy a cake and just cake myself for a good month. I'd buy one of those monster cakes. I would eat cake with milk and cry after every meal. I would make a real effort to get over my social anxiety disorder. I would probably go to the university to make sure I did the things you would have liked doing. I would probably cry into my pillow everyday. I would probably buy plates and break them so I could stop being angry. If you are dead I don't know what I would do it would be very depressing.
Part of me doesn't want to find out if your dead bc it scares me to know. I'm scared of knowing. I'm scared of the consequences of going not invited and causing you so much anger. I'm scared that my presence will be accepted and that somehow it will end with some bitter feeling in my stomach like it always has ended since I left you. I'm scared I'll be speechless and that I will stutter. I'm scared of spending all that money to see you and having to choose someone wisely to take me and to keep their mouth shut bc no one is gonna want to let me see you. Yet it is something I desire deep down inside the same way I desire to get out of my social anxiety disorder. If your not dead I will want to record you to remember you. I like recording people talk now a days just in case they die. I've been doing it since my friend died.
If I find out you are dead. I will hate every ex's you have had since I left your life. I will hope that everything bad ends up happening to them. I will hate everyone in your life for not giving you enough attention and giving you more love. I won't forgive anyone that was able to communicate to you. I won't forgive anyone for not seeing your crys for help and your little way of letting everyone know that nothing was ever gonna be the same again.
What I hope for is: laughter, happiness, merriment and maybe a bit of remembrance of our old friendship. Also if I do come it will be to forgive myself and to say good bye if you don't want me to converse with you.
I'm scared. I don't know if I have the courage to go bother you or look for you but I know I have to do it soon bc I don't know how long you could possibly work at that place. I also don't know how I will ever know anything about you again.
Hopefully you're still alive. Hopefully when I see you, you will be single so I don't see you having to be possibly rough with me. Whatever you are I hope you're not crass and rude to me. I hope that if by chance I find you that you will be nice. I hope your not ghetto. I keep getting scared that you may have lost your refinement and have become terribly ghettoer than ghetto. Like piercings. Tattoos. Grungy clothing. Bad language. Dirty. Racist. I don't know. Anything. Like I hope you still look clean cut and cute as a dimple.
Haha I pawn your knight. Beware. My pawn is little and it may seem like nothing but nothing somehow becomes something more. Ha I'm bored today. And I'm going through a lot of bodily pain but tomorrow hopefully I'll buy an antedote. You're my little vaporeon and I have to write to you to make sure you're ok bc your a smart little annoying vaporion. My poor little Pokémon. I haven't taken you for a walk in forever or made you any food bc you like fighting with so many Pokémon and told me you had to see the world of Pokémon to become a great Pokémon. When you came back I kept hoping the great would kick in but all I saw was the world tearing you apart. Like my little vaporion needs my attention and it need me to nurture it back to health. Poor vapeporeon. Don't ask me why you're a vaporeon and not a jiggly puff. It's cuz your a little attention whore and cool to the touch. So cool. I miss my cute vaporeon.
Vapeporeons are not supposed to get tattoos ok. You know they have laser take out machines for people who have lapses in their memeories and then do silly stupid things to their poor vaporeons body. Ok so you say your a cute jiggly puff now well I don't care if you're a jiggily puff, those pink cute little pokemons don't get tattoos either. I don't know what kind of pokemons you've been hanging out with but I bet they held you down with a gun to your face. You know the kind that says your not cool enough or something. Like they still have laser removal if you want to go back to being a a cooler charlemander. I remember how hot you were. But you're a vapeoreon so you don't die of thirst with all the wandering you do with those rebel pokemons. I hope you have been working on your abilities and making sure they're better than before. Ok. Also I hope your not confused about what kind of Pokémon you are bc I know those rebel pokemons must of put crazy ideas in your head. Ok my cute little charlemander. I miss you. You gonna have to choose what kind of Pokémon you are. You can't be a jiggly puff. Ok. I miss you Pokémon. I miss my Pokémon. I had the cutest red pokedex to carry you around in. Don't get fooled by newer pokedexes.
I'm super lame. Sorry.
My heart broke today. I'd like to say it's ok, but it's not. During the new year I prayed for my old best friend and the prayer was answered. I prayed that she would find true love and that she would find someone that loved her plus her children. I prayed that he would support her finically and that he would love her children. So I wrote to her again and told her about the prayer. So I found out why she doesn't talk to me anymore. Supposedly she says that I threatened her children and supposedly I told her that I did witchcraft on her and her children while I was at her house. This is ridiculous bc I'm not a witch and she knows it. It's also ridiculous how she would think I want to harm her children. So I told her today that that was not the case that i was warning her that there was a witch after me and to protect her children. I don't know if I wrote to her or talked over the phone but I do know she never understands things and I was also overly medicated. She is not the brightest and never takes things the way they're. My chest hurts bc she took the time to write. She said she doesn't understand how I would pray for her family when I used to threaten her that time and that it scares her.i have written to her before but never about god. And today of all days she blocks me. She said that maybe she needs to grow but for now she won't talk to me. I'm hurt a lot. It hurts. I don't know why but it hurts. I have to forgive her bc she does have children and maybe she thinks the threat about the witch is still a real thing. Like honestly I don't know if she even understood what I said. She said I went to too many topics. But I was just explaining what happened. Like she asked me if I was off my Meds bc I prayed for her. It's ok. She said that she hopes everything goes well in my life. It honestly I don't know if she really wishes that for me.
I'm over it. She probably wasn't the best friend I imagine her to be bc if she was she would worry about me and want to know how I am. I'm letting go and I'm not gonna try to find a way to know how she it.
If someone doesn't understand me than they're not worth my time. I have friends that care about me. I'm worth way too much than to be craving something that doesn't go along with me. Or to wish to have something that wants to belittle me. I'm worth to much to cry over this and I'm worth to much to look back at the past. I pray for better friendships. I pray for my happiness. I pray that this never happens again.
I don't need someone who thinks I'm after them or thinks I want to hurt them. She knows I don't want to hurt her. She just doesn't care about me and that's ok. I can't expect people to love me or to care how I am. I'm just gonna keep trying to be happier everyday as I can be. It's over. And also I don't want to go see you. I don't want to be more heart broken than I already am. I won't go see how your doing. And I'm just gonna stay where I am. God knows what I need and he will give it to me. He knows why I cry and he knows how to fix everything. I'm gonna trust in god and love him more than ever. I will send all my love to god bc he is perfect. And with perfection and love there is no grief or pain. I will stop crying about people who don't care about me anymore. I'm gonna grow and hopefully be wiser in the future.
Maybe I shouldn't have told her anything but maybe I it's ok. I won't know what happens to her and I won't know what to pray for anymore but it's ok. I need to let go and let her go bc god knows what she needs. My arms feel weak and I feel a little sick bc of how she wrote to me. I'm just gonna look after myself and try to prosper as much as I can. I'm gonna save money and go on a trip. Bc good to the friends I still have. Be good to the people who do care.
I know I said things that may come across as bad but if I said anything it was for you to measure yourself worth to the self worth that used to be you. I just wanted you to remember who you were and what you believed in. Most of it was that.
I'm gonna smile tomorrow and forget what happened with a cup of coffee. I'm gonna take it lightly and keep it in the back of my head so I remember not to make the same mistakes but I'm not gonna let it hurt me one bit. I'm not gonna let any of this nonsense hurt me. I don't need ex drug addict friends in my life. It's too much pain to deal with and worry. I do t need to have the pain of worrying over someone over dosing on drugs. So I'm letting go of my friend and I'm never looking back.
As for you. I'm gonna pray for you to find true love with a woman, that completes you in every way shape and form. I'm gonna pray that you have peace and happiness. I'm gonna pray for you to get closer to god. Then I'm gonna let go bc if I really wanted to see you. I wouldn't have spent the money on food. I would have gone to see you. Instead I spent the money on food and didn't go see you how I wanted. I have to let you go inside my heart.
I'm tired of having friends that don't do what is right and use me as a baby sister. I want friends who believe in the things that I believe and who do what is right. I want friends that give me unconditional love even when I'm not at my best. I want friends that know better than to judge me harshly when I'm not ok. I want friends that will make me laugh and help me grow everyday.
I want to be able to let go of my old friends as much as I love you guys I need to let go bc it causes so much pain in my heart. I need to let go and grow.
I want friendships that won't abandon me or wish me wrong. Or take adavantage of me and the little money I have. I want people who love and who always talk in love not hate.
Lastly she is the criminal not me. She is the one that started slandering me and saying racist comments about me when I was the happiest. I can't say she was hormonal bc really it was just her envy coming out. It was her true feelings. And the last thing I want is an idiot or some racist person near me. I don't need someone to make me feel less than I am just bc I inherited the Italian tan line. I don't need some pale Indian talking down to me and making me feel ugly. I don't need a friend who was capbable of telling my boyfriend I cheated when I didn't. And the. Threatening my newer boyfriend. That's why I blocked her from Facebook to begin with. I don't need someone telling me that I don't know the meaning of words, when I do bc I have a large vocabulary. I don't need someone who was willing to punch me in the head bc she didn't want me at a party. There have been many breaks in my friendship bc if the stupid things she has done to me. But I can keep forgiving her for never being there the way i wish she was. I don't need someone hurting me I don't want to worry about being hurt my her again. When she accused me of cheating which was a complete lie. My nose was broken and my knee and my face was disfigured. I don't need a friend who is willing to hurt me to that extent. It's over. I'm gonna be happy again.
I'm just saying I don't need any trouble. You and her have been hard to get over and I don't love myself for hanging on for so long. I need to let go and forget. She abused me and you just didn't care enough to ever inquire how I've been. And honestly it's been hard bc both of you were the corner stones of my friendship circles. Like no one else mattered more than you or her. But enough is enough. It's time to say good bye. She became a mother. You became gay and transgender. Maybe not anymore. I don't know. But when you said you would change in the future I never knew it would be this much. All of us have too much that is not communal in any way so I really have to ask myself why do I miss. I don't like crystal meth and I don't like marijuana. You two lead very different lives than I do. So I say good bye.
Also I'm tired of losing friendships bc I've held onto you guys the way I did. As much as I loved you guys. It's not worth it. It's not worth all the grief I get when both of you disappoint me with your actions. So I'm saying good bye. But thank you for whatever time you spent caring about me. I appreciate it dearly.
You know what hurts the most. It hurts that she called me a beaner. She said I looked like those ugly Mexican American Indians. I don't even remember everything she said over the phone. She was pregnant then. I had a fancy satin green dress and my cleavage was out. She asked me why my boobs were so big. I was in a picture with a lot of people. At that time she was stuck in an apartment and pregnant. I sorta forgave her but really that was the rudest thing anyone has ever said to me. My mother is Spanish and they're all mostly pale Snow White. But I'm sure she wasn't making fun of my family. It just hurts bc she would call my mom mother. Like how do you make those racial comments. Especially when she has Mexican Indian family. It actually doesn't hurt so much what she said. I just feel like I'm disappointed in her. Like how dare you speak this way to me. Even if I do look like a Mexican Indian what the hell does that matter. Her kids father is a Mexican Indian. Like why the hell do you harbor so much hate. I'm sick of latinos being so racist and racist to their own race. Like people are so fucking crazy. She also said I looked like a wet back.
Oh I forgot to mention. I was very skinny then. And I had a tan. She always gets jealous of me when I'm skinny bc my true size is smaller than hers so She basically wanted me to have low self esteem. I don't care what she says. Bc whatever I look I know I'm beautiful. Maybe not the prettiest Mexican Indian but pretty so she can go to hell. But no one ever thinks I look that way. So really I don't understand her.
I feel like throwing up. I'm not upset or sad much. I just feel really sick like I need to throw up. I can't believe I ever made a friend that is so fucking much of a jerk and made her so close to me. im just sick. I'm truly sick of everything she said to me. It's a sad thing what she did to me. I will never understand her. Like she has so many cousins that are Mexican American. He das is Mexican American. Her children's father is Mexican American. She's part Indian. Her friends are Mexican American. So why the hell is she trying to insult me by telling me I look like a Mexican American. Like does she do this to them too. Like how does someone do something like this. If she is so freaking mad that I have an Italian tan sometimes why the fuck did she even become my friend and all
Me her sister. I'm gonna pray for her. Bc she is such a wacko. She said her kids looks like demons and asked me what her children look like. She says they look weird. They look like her and her husband. Like really she doesn't like that they look like him. So she started saying they looked like they were genetically weird. She doesn't like how they have brown eyes or soemthing. I don't know bc when I see them they look like her.
I called him her husbands bc she had kids with him. But they're not together anymore. He probably left her bc she crazy racist.
I remembered the time you starved yourself to take me to Disneyland. How can I be such an asshole. I need to return the favor and starve myself for a month and go see you. Even if I'm not welcomed like I hope I will be at least I will return the favor. I still feel sick to the stomach over everything summer has done to me over these past years. Like putting it all into prospective it's really horrendous how she acts. And actually I'm embarrassed to be her friend bc of how stupid she is. She's so ignorant. And I'm embarrassed to have ever known such a crazy drug addict. Like it's over.
Her actions give me more fury to better myself. Like I'm really gonna go back to college and make myself respectable after all the insults she throws at me. I want her to know that not only am I prettier but I'm gonna end up way smarter on paper. I want all my papers to tear her eyes out. I hope I'm able to offend her in the greatest way. I could go and just apply to the school with my damn ged. I would pray more but if I did it I could. I really could. I know my mind is capable since I was able to go through beauty college. I hate that bitch. I hate how nasty mean she can be. I've never met someone more mean that she and most manipulating.
So back to the going to see you. I have to return the favor. If it ends of being the worst trip bc of how you feel about me and how you have changed than let it be. But I shouldn't let summer make me not want to see you bc god knows I'd like to see you. Plus I could never compare you to her bc she is the most outlandish person I've ever known.
You know why it hurts bc I spent way too much time with her. I spent the years from 16-24 or 23 with her almost every day. You could probably even say she's the reason why I have a ged bc we would skip school so much together. I would take my moms car and spend almost everyday with her. It hurts bc she was so close to almost dying of an overdose and I always found her just in time in different hotels or at her moms house. Like if it wasn't for me she probably would be dead or alone. We would spend so much time together that everyone thought we were girlfriend and girlfriend. It hurts bc I spend my extra money on her. I could have saved it. Like I really treated her as if she was family. After being so close to someone it hurts when they start to drift. I always forgive her bc she did so many drugs that I figure her head isn't on straight enough that she could do something reasonable. But really if I really did say something g wrong to her you would think she could look past it bc it would be the first time in my life that I ever did anything mean to her. Yet I don't remember threatening her. Like really I think she didn't understand me. And I kept hoping that she would turn around but she isn't. It's over. All those years I spent with her meant nothing. Every time my heart got broken she would be there for me bc when I was young my boyfriend would fucking cheat on me left and right bc I wouldn't sleep with him. I don't get where the hell she thinks I would be doing witchcraft on her or her kids. I was telling her to watch out bc I knew another witch that was out to get me. Summer believes in witches and even wears stuff for protection. It's one thing I can believe she doesn't want to be my friend bc there are witches hat don't like me and she has kids to take care of. But it's a whole another thing to say that I would want hurt her. She was my best friend my sister and we would do everything together. If she was a man we probably would have gotten married. That's how close we were. I miss her like crazy and hopefully I won't cry over this. Hopefully I will get over it. It just sucks bc I don't ever think I will have another friend so close like her. We would even take showers together wear matching outfits. We would walk together. Sing together. Whatever happened to me happened to her. So yeah I'm upset. Her being racist is the worst part out of it all. Like I really don't understand her hatred towards me. Maybe she wasn't used to me being so tan. I don't know. Maybe it was her hormones. People say pregnant woman act crazy. But whatever it is. She hurt me. And I won't ever forget the kind of friend she was. I won't forget it ever. I also won't forget what a bitch she could be. Like really sometimes I think the drugs made her insane to the point that she can't be nice. Everyone hated her and talked so much trash about her. I liked her but after those comments I don't know how much I can handle. It hurts.
She says she needs to grow as a person. I hope she does.
If she ever reads what I wrote she would be mad eternally for speaking about what happened to her but since she is so self absorbed I know she won't go to your blog. Like she knows what you meant to me, but I know she is super self absorbed that she doesn't or would not understand why I write. I wrote bc it's heart wrenching what we went through as young adults and what she is making me go through. We would talk about being old and grey in rocking chairs with guns. That's probably will never happen. Even if she came back I don't think I could ever want to be her friend again.
She isn't the worst friend I had. My other best friend taught me how to smoke tobacco . Summer didn't help either bc she was a smoker as well. To be honest sir I haven't been kind to myself bc I still haven't quit smoking. As god as my witness I'm gonna start quitting tomorrow. There have been times that I've stopped but I continue to smoke. I'm gonna quit. I hope that it's soon enough that I don't get sick. I hate myself more than anything for not stopping. I'm gonna be more proactive in meeting people and I'm gonna try to replace summer. I'm gonna start going out to interest groups and see if I can make a better best friend. Did you know I don't tell anyone but my right lung hurts. It's started hurting recently. I'm gonna stop smoking. I wasted my life smoking. I hate the smell and I hate how much money I've spent on cigarettes. I don't want to spend another dollar making my flesh ugly. The cigarettes make me hungrier. They make my skin yellow. They make me have acne. It also makes me miss summer bc we would smoke together. I'm gonna quit tomorrow.
If you have done anything wrong to yourself know that I'm far from perfect. Sometimes I don't know if I'm any better than the people who do stronger drugs. I hate being a fiend and thinking it's cool to smoke. I hate how I use it to relax. Part of me thinks that I have boils bc of the cigarettes. I'm gonna start loving myself more and I'm going to fix the edges that need mending. I know I can still help myself. I'm gonna be as tough as I was with summer when she was leaving the crystal meth. Hopefully I can find a way out of here.
Your so lucky to live near snow. I hate the hot weather. It makes me sick everyday. My skin burns and I'm way to hot. I wish I could be in a freezer everyday.
Also I forgot to mention. Summer has this big beautiful English and Mexican family. I miss them like crazy. They're very loving people and I felt safe when they were around bc I had so many houses I could run to. Now I don't have that big family anymore. It sucks.
When I first moved out of my house I quit smoking and I lost all the weight. I also stopped caring about everyone. I didn't think about anyone but myself and bettering my situation. I had even gone back to school. I'm gonna do that now and try to learn to smile like I did back then. I would smile in the day time and I was happy to be away from everyone that knew me. It felt like I had a new life and a new way to be. Summer started being a bitch to me when she saw how happy I was. I would blog about restaurants all the time and post my meals on my Facebook. She started getting envious. That's when I started to realize she wasn't my best friend. I'm gonna stop crying everyday and whining. I'm gonna stop meditating on all the bad things that happen. I'm gonna try to smile and be happy. I'm gonna start to starve myself again like I did then. I was very diligent about it. I want to be thin again and happy. I'm sick of being fat. I'm also gonna try to find a way for god to help me to stop having panic attacks bc I'm scared of his adversary. I'm gonna have to start opening my eyes to little life I have left and I'm gonna start to appreciate it more. I want to laugh and be happy. I'm gonna let go of the past like I did then. I'm gonna wake up drink my coffee and workout like I did in the old days.
And when the evening comes I'm gonna try to be happy that I have a responsible boyfriend that cares enough about me. I'm gonna try to not look at all the negatives things and I'm gonna try to start appreciating him. It's hard sometimes bc I started this relationship when I had a broken heart, but I need to look past that. I also need to look past how old he is. Sometimes I put a barrier between us bc I'm not so trusting bc he is so much older than me. Back then I didn't leave bc I thought that I would be taken seriously bc he was older. Bc they say young men are immature. If I have to I will cry and drink some wine like I did in the old days. For every night I cried with wine I would wake up stronger to exercise. I'm gonna make all my pain make me stronger. I'm not gonna let this sadness take my health as well. And I'm gonna keep praying that I get the fuck out of this city bc I hate it. I'm gonna pray for my boyfriend to get a job somewhere else. I'm gonna pray that he treats me better and starts being sentimental. It hurts sometimes bc he isn't sentimental like everyone from our age group. I've noticed the people from his age group are callous and don't have the same softness from our age group. That toughness is what motivated me to lose weight and to go to school. That's part of the reason why I love him and why I haven't left. And also bc despite all the times I have cried he hasn't complained. Maybe he will never be super romantic like I would have wished but at least he takes care of me. And most of the time he doesn't stress me out. It's hard to deal with the way he flirts with every girl but I'm gonna have to get over it bc most men are this way. I'm gonna get over it bc at least he isn't a drug addict and I know there will always be money for food. I'm gonna be strong and try to mimic how responsible he is. That's why I love him bc he's the most responsible person I've met. Even more than my dad. And I say that bc he isn't a college drop out. I really look up to my boyfriend more than anyone I have ever met and I try not to get Gaga over him. I'm really scared he is gonna hurt me more than anyone I know. I really try not to fall head over heals over him. He's done everything I never expected. I never expected him to ask me to be his girlfriend. And to be honest he gave me my wishes. Like he made my dreams come true. Like all the little dreams I had of having with a boyfriend he made them come true. And to this day I have been living by the beach bc of him. I also love him bc he never makes me feel like I'm retarded or makes me feel ugly. Maybe he doesn't make me feel like the most beautiful but he doesn't ever make me feel the most horrid. And even when circumstances seem to sway bad he understands what I feel. There have been times that I've tried to leave him but I don't. He says I might find someone cuter or younger but he says that younger guy won't have all the money I provide for you. He says that I won't ever leave him bc young men are poor. And to this day I haven't left him. He's not perfect but I'm happy that I at least have him. It's true I don't speak to him incessantly like I write here or have spoken to others but I don't put of respect. Bc I'm training to be different. The type of person that doesn't complain all the time.
When i first met summer Shen was gothic and a pagan witch. Bc of me she started loving Jesus and dressing like a rockabilly. It is I that changed her personality so much. Recently she posted a picture of herself as a witch and she said everyone better be sacred of me bc I'm a witch. It was Halloween but I don't know maybe she is into witchcraft again. And for some reason I make her very envious. After seeing her 3 years ago I got really sick. What if Shen cursed me for leaving her. She didn't want me to leave her house. I don't know who is the current witch that attacks me but what if summer wishes me ill. Please pray for me so I can be happy and nothing bad happens to me. Summer was a real witch she had pentagrams and listened to really nasty music.
Maybe summer is the evil witch in my life. The stuff she says is so mean. And I was a cute skinny rockabilly. And she was a big gothic scary lady. Like maybe she does witchcraft so everything in my life ends up upside down. Like really I hope she stops doing witchcraft on me. They say in psychology that whatever you do to someone you will accuse the other of doing. She said that I said I was doing witchcraft on her at her apartment. That means she's is the one that did witchcraft. Like I hope the fact that I prayed for her and that the man did show up. Bc I prayed for her to find a husband. I hope that makes her happy enough that she will stop cursing me and doing witchcraft or whatever she does. I hope all the spells lift. Bc it seems that since summer was envious of my small figure I started fattening up like over night. I hope the spells are over. Pray for me so that summers spells don't work on me anymore. She probably does break up spells. I don't know. Maybe she even did spells so I would end up in a psych ward and crazy. Like she was a crazy scary gothic lady. Also she was envious bc my boyfriends were always hotter than hers. For some reason she only attracts really ugly men. Please pray for me so her spells don't work anymore. I'm actually scared of her. She hanged out with bunches of Satanists. She could have been the one doing witchcraft on both of us. Bc we would act so fucking crazy sometimes.
If she isn't a witch and she isn't cursing me. And she just misinterpreted and thinks I'm a witch bc she's nervous single mother. Than maybe it sucks knowing your friend doesn't want to talk to you bc your sister threw you in a psych ward against your will. Like maybe it sucks to know that your best friend doesn't care anymore. It's not like I judged her when her step mother threw her in a psych ward. You would think she would be more understanding but she isn't.
My mom says that friends don't exist. She says that friends are not real and not to trust anyone. She says don't trust family bc they will end up betraying you. She says if you have a boyfriend or a husband or a child. To love them with all your heart bc they're the only ones you can depend on. But then she says don't ever trust a man bc he will end up having many girl friends. And she says that your children will end up being selfish and leaving you alone. I used to think my mom was being negative but she really isn't. Like people suck big time. They disappoint you and never live up to your standards. My mom said to be happy with whatever you have when you have it bc the next day it may be gone. She said to cherish every moment. She said do not be a sucker and give anything away bc you will end up being used. So I listened. I don't give freely to boyfriend, friend, or family. And it has helped me have many long relationships but I keep forgetting what my mother told me. She said not to give my heart away bc they would break it and that there are never true friends. She is right bc summer isn't a true friend. If she isn't my friend it is bc she doesn't live near me. I'm of no use to her. And I'm not a drug addict so I can't send her drugs. If she thinks I'm a witch that's retarded bc god almighty is more powerful and he always finds a way out for us-those that seek him.
I'm over it. Oh did I tell you how my mom abandons me all the freaking time and my dad is deaf so we can't have a friendship anymore. So yeah everyone sucks. Even my uterus sucks bc to this fucking day I don't get to have a best friend pop out between my legs. Even my uterus abandoned me. I used to get by with my dog but dogs don't fill the space anymore. I need friendship. I need a new one even if it's for a short time. It sucks bc part of me misses having a broken friend that needs repairing. Like part of me doesn't want a normal friend. I like repairing people. I want a friend that needs guidance and needs me every stricken hour. But actually I rather them be like rich not some bum on the street. Like so I want a rich crazy friend that need my help. I say rich bc most adults my age would have to work so I need a person who isn't poor. Maybe someone who is like me. I don't know how just someone who has lots of free time to spare and needs a friend. Like I don't know where I'm gonna find that person but I'm gonna start going to the gym. Maybe there is a nutty crazy bitch that lives near me. Maybe I'll be lucky enough to find a new best friend. So I do t miss my crazy ex friend. All the friends that I have now work like a dog or have children to raise. So it sucks.
You knows even weirder my ex boyfriend introduced me to all my best friends as a young adult. Like my first ever boyfriend. We would still be friends but he owes me like 100 bucks and he won't give it to me. He hasn't introduced me to people in a long time but he's like mr popular. I hate how he hasn't given me a new friend bc when he dishes them out they end up being my best friend. Summer was one of them. I never thought about it but it was like the best month of my life bc that month bought me like many years of friendship with other girls.
How cute how I'm no longer friends with the guy who hooks me up with friends. We stopped talking about a year ago. The last nice thing he did was give me a Prada wallet.
Also I forgot my mom says not to love anyone but then she says to read the Bible and the Bible says to love. So like who do I listen to. Huh? Obviously I have to love and forgive. I need to forgive. And maybe just maybe I need to go look for my ex bc maybe just maybe he has a new friend to introduce me to. He always has big parties with like 100's of people. I don't know if he does anymore but he used to. He's the one that warned me about summer. He said she was a drug addict and that she would like do sexual favors for drugs. I still don't know if it true but I never wanted to believe it. But maybe it's true. That's why we should pray for her extra. Then his friend said she was a crazy drug addict and to stay away from her bc I was a good girl. His friend was in love with me too. But he married now. And the other one has a kid now. I miss being a teenager. Everyone has kids now a days. They all started way too young.
You know what sucks how I've been in denial about it. It's been on the rocks our friendship since 2010 when I moved out of my parents to live by the beach. Since then she hasn't been a nice friend. She didn't like how I was going to college. She didn't like anything about my life nor was she happy. Only envious. She never said oh I'm so happy are you getting married I want to be your brides maid. No. Just fuck you. That's all fuck you. Fuck your for posting food with your boyfriend on Facebook when all I get to eat is pizza. You know what like I'm sick of crazy woman who treated me like I was there boyfriend. Like I wa sick of paying for people's meals on wheel. I need to be loved for once.
I saw her like three years ago and it felt like everything was back to normal. This is after I forgave her for being a racist hitch bc like two years before that was when she was the racist bitch. But really I think it time for me to stop being such a sucker and for once listen to the sound advice my mother gave me. She said don't love anyone. Like yeah. I don't love you anymore summer. It's over. I don't love you anymore. And I still don't know what love is. I still don't know what it means or what it means to forget just to wake up months later forgiving her. Like that's what happens. Will she come back I don't know probably not. So boom it hurts. Bunches of little bombs dropped on my heart today and you know what maybe I will just send flower on her tomb. Maybe god will makes it all better when the new system comes. For now she is in a grave where the dead lie and all I can do is send her figurative flowers.
You know what I'm remembering that is pushing me off. I rembwring the time my two friends and I wanted to start a business. Like we really started thinking about it. My friend took a marketing internship while going to uci. My other friend had all the money we needed to invest. So I proposed that summer would be my model and she wasn't having it. It really annoyed her. Like she hated the fact that I wanted her to be my shadow. She wouldn't do it. Like it really made me sad that she didn't want to make any money. I don't know why we never ended up doing it but I ended up just not hashing up. If it wasn't one thing it was another. But I just remember summer not wanting to be one part of it if I told had any way of benefiting me with money. It's like no matter where my dreams were hers were never part of it. I don't even know why it really mattered but I think it mattered bc we were hoping she would do the work for free and get merchandise out of it. The. Get paid if the venture was even successful. It I wanted summer to be my assistant and like she never wanted to do it. It erked her that she would have to work under me. Like honestly dude I'm starting to really think summer isn't just some depressed pessimist like I always think. I really think she is racist. She taught me one of the most racist songs I know. It goes like this. I washed myself in chocolates blood-substitute a much worse word harah harah. Like that's just the begining of the song. And she is still friends with the black girl. Yet she is really fucking racist. And her other best friend is a Mexican American like are you a nut job. Like if you're gonna pretend your all Irish or all English or whatever why the hell do you have any friends that are not pure white.
And you know when she first had the kids I got over it by ignoring her and just sticking to my other best friends. But I couldn't shake it off her attitude. Like I warned my friends about how rude she was. No one ever liked her even if I didn't need say anything bad. But really I want her out of my mind. Like I can hear her tonight and I can't sleep. I just want her out. I hate racist people. I can't stand them.
I can't stand racist people one bit. And she is really racist. Like really. So much that she has to belittle me always. I used to think it was only her aunt her aunt never said anything but she always seemed mad around me. Summer says her aunt is just a bitch. But honestly summer is racist. It sucks. Maybe she ruined my life dude. Like maybe I hung out with her too much. Like honestly I know she ruined my life and that's why it jets more that's she gone bc at least you wood have a friendship. But no. She's a can of worms. My sister hated her bc saupposedly she would compare herself always to my sister. My sister says she was jealous of her beauty. I used to think my sister was crazy but honestly she isn't. No one I saw perfect but I can't stand racist people. Maybe it's bc I come from an college educated family.
Like it hurts. Bc we would have made so much money if she would have joined the whole team. It would have been nice. In the end I didn't want to continue doing it bc I hadn't finished college and I wanted my degree badly. My friend said he would pay for me to go to the private college I wanted but I never believed him so I didn't even apply. Like that's how stupid I was. If summer would have backed me up I would have probably done everything and probably wouldn't have backed out. I thought back then that she would have been the most beautiful model.
She so weird. She got mad at me once for saying soemthing to my Asian friend bc she said then she wouldn't have a chance to go out with the Asian friend's fruends. Like what the fuck do you care your racist anyways. Like what does she do just use people even though she hates them bc they're not pale white like she is.
I can't stop laughing. Even though I'm not my Asians friends friend anymore. He always says I'm a genius who is super lazy and not really determined. So did summer. That's why I loved her bc she loved quoting me like an author. Even bough she's like this crazy racist bitch. She loved me bc she says I was a genius. Well that Asian friend went to college and majored in what my boyfriend majored in when he was young. I can't stop laughing. Like my Asian friend is like omg she rich I need to follow in her footsteps so I can be rich too. Like it's too cute. But not cute how he won't talk to me. Like the whole I'm spying on you but I'm not gonna talk to you thing isn't cute. Out of all my friend I miss my Asian friends the most bc they're the funniest. I also miss being called a genius. I had a friend recently who called me a genius. But I stopped being her friend bc she's a witch. She recently graduated from the university. Like am I really a genius bc people always call me that and are really perplexed by the way I think. All my life I've been called a genius by my close friends. Like maybe I am a genius. Why else would people be calling me a genius. My dad is a genius on paper. Like they really tested his IQ. So I if I come from a genius I must be a genius and if people have thinking problems and I see past them than that must mean I'm A genius. You know what I used to think summer was. Like honestly I would just laugh and say she had a low IQ. Low IQ tend to be irrationally racist. And they do a lot of weird stuff I don't understand. I'm sick of being called a genius what did I do that was so genius. I'm already past my prime maybe it's bc I'm a woman and my uterus isn't any good. And we're not that far off from woman's sufferage. And maybe it's bc my mom secretly envied how genius I was. So much that she would make sure I would fuck up im school. It would drive my dad insane.
I think that is another reason why it hurts so much to lose her. I miss being quoted. She's good at quoting me. I have other friends that call me a genius but they don't always quote me. Like they all like introducing me as their genius nerd friend that is supposedly socially awquard. They would embarrass me so much when they would do this shit to me. It's so embarrassing. Like honestly I would start laughing to myself and I would be like these fucking morons think I'm a genius. Yeah right. I'm like
The most moronic person they will ever meet. Like I'm probably this fucking idiot with so many probakems and they're telling they're whole little crew that I'm like this amazing guy genius. Like they like telling them how many books I would read as a kid. I can't stop laughing. Like really what makes me a genius. Maybe bc they think I'm a genius they think I don't break the same way. Maybe they secretly think I'm like the stronger one in the mind and can take all this shit. Like don't they know people kill themselves over friends and get depression and shit. What makes them believe to this day that I'm this great genius that carried them all like students. Like really I can't stop laughing. Everyone of my stupid fucking ex friends would come to me for advice. I kinda hate them a little too much now. They all had it wrong. I was the one that needed guidance. I also hated how sheltered they all were and fucking spoiled. I wasn't envious but I hated how they didn't see all the things I could see before them. I wanted them to wake up really badly so they could save me from the stuff I gave today and they were too fucking stupid to help me.
I can't stop laughing. I'm crying just a little. I have like big shoes to fill. Like maybe they're not with me but I know they must spy on me however they can. Like I need to make them proud and make them know how to walk. Like really this guy who killed hiself that was my friend that really pissed me off probably read all the nonsense on my Facebook and didn't see me around. I think I wrote a little piece were I was gonna start being a proatitute. And he didn't see me for a month. When we would hang out every night. Like that is how serious my position is. I need to be more square again. A square never eat. A square doesn't eat. They just study all the time or do what they like doing. Like since I met summer I've been a glutton. I used to measure my food out carefully. When I started being summers friend it was like restaurant here restaurant there bc her mom would take us out to many restaurants or fast food and so would my mom. Like I need to be a nerd again and start thinking about food being a chore. It really was a chore to me. Not anymore. That's kinda depressing. Summer ripped the nerd out of me. And made me a high school drop out. How depressing and embarrassing. At least everyone called me a genius. I can't stop laughing. How genius well actually I didn't drop out. The politics at school got me thrown out. Someone didn't like me and they threw me
Out. I hate that school I should have never moved schools. Oh well. And the genius is writing like a mad woman which is ranting away. I miss being that genius to everyone. But not really bc people start envying the way I think and that's when I start to realize why people think everyone is crazy. They're not. People just have low IQs. I need to be that sexy genius again that made even the lesbians come
After me. I'm so ugly. You know your ugly when lesbians don't come
After you. Lesbians are like the most vain woman ever. They're worse than men. Men will love you so long as you still have a working hole and are the right color. Lesbians measure your shit out.
Prostitue*. Not saying you have a working hole. Meaning just the idea of having a hole that is partially working. Even if they can't use it just to have a hole would be awesome. Lesbians are not like that they start measuring your waist your thights. Your head. If it not the way they want they won't even look at you. I miss having lesbian beauty like crazy. Life was worth living then bc I had to duck and cover when I went out like some actress.
You know what I don't understand. Like do I just have good timing or like do you listen to me too. Like when I say hey boy get the frack out of the fire hole before your turn to ash. Your like ok. I'm not gonna respond to her, but like the next day you brake up with the current hole of what ever current time it is. Why do you listen to me? Whom am I. Also like why the hell did you start talking about being a transgender when I told you I wanted to get pregnant. Like how does this all work out. Like why are you listening to me. How many hearts have you broken. I bet a bunch cuz our so handsome. It sucks for them. I don't know what you're doing but I don't want you dating men bc Jesus don't like it. I told you last time and then I think you actually broke it off. I'm not sure.
I need to remember that I'm a genius and that I need to slow my thinking down. All my friends say I think way too much and too deep. They say it's a good thing. I don't know who driving you around the abyss of a hole but I hope your not being a skank.
Did you know I'm no longer the muffin man with the high IQ. Like they really tore my brains out. And that's probably one of the reasons why I can't stop writing. Everyday I start using my Brains so I can strengthen them. I work hard at using them. What I'm currently not good at which I've never been good at is like cleaning. I don't know if I'm lazy or if it's bc we had like a nanny always who would clean up after us. Or is it bc I'm maybe retarded. Like sometimes I don't think it's the nanny that would clean up my mess that makes me super lazy. I think I am like retarded bc I can keep things tidy. My nanny would live with us. Sometimes I would hug her like a teddy bear. Me and melody would fight over who got to sleep with her. When I got my friends. I can't stop laughing. I would get them to clean my room up. And I would enjoy sleeping with them It felt like having a nanny. Bc a nanny is like a best friend only you pay them. Lately I wouldn't be so lazy but someone broke my coccyx and it hurts to bend down. Like a lot. So I can clean. It sucks.
I miss being around the one I deemed a genius. I think calling people genius is a word that is used to set you up for failior. None the less I love calling you a genius, when I'm around you I get the most amazing medley of happiness. I hate that I called you a genius bc I think it made you a college drop out. After I was called a genius by many students at my high school I became a high school drop out. Or rather kick out. Still I'm just saying I miss being around you bc it grounds me. It helps me feel alive and makes me feel like I'm
Not a weirdo. I don't get to meet geniuses everyday. And you can tell. It's like a look. A way of being. A set of mannerism and I have seen one in a longg time I met bright people but no genius. When I spotted you I nearly passed out. Then you spotted me and I was like this is far out. Like how did this genius find me. I still don't know. I just miss hearing your massive Brain work. Like in person. I hate reading the jargon your brain comes out with. Bc your an alarm system and that's scary. That's what we geniuses do best. Were like alarm systems for everyone. But I like you especially bc your a different kind of genius. It helps like even the fluids in my own Brain.
It hurts bc she compares herself to me and stars to envy me for little things. Like why does she envy me so much? Why doesn't she envy any of her other friends? I've never noticed her envying anyone else. Like why does she harbor so much hatred for me? Why? Maybe she's mad at me for leaving her in Pennsylvania alone. Like maybe she's really mad at me for leaving her so the way to get back at me is by being racist and making me feel like I'm not worth anything. And making me feel like I'm crazy. And that her life is so much better and that she doesn't want me in her life bc it's so much better. Like why did she envy what I ate? I want to cry bc of how she treated me. I am crying. It doesn't matter about facts or how everything ended. It just know hat her not loving me hurts me and makes me feel sad. I know it doesn't hurt her bc she has two lovely children to love and a real family. Part of me shouldn't feel so depressed bc of this. I sound like an asshole but it's the truth. She doesn't come from a college educated family and I do. And my boyfriend has a high degree. And she still doesn't hang out with educated people so we're different and I know we will never see anything eye to eye bc she comes from a blue collar society family. Like she thinks I'm this spoiled brat and I'm sick of the way she makes me feel. I'm sick of how she belittle me. I don't need to start comparing myself to a family that comes from drug addicts and a family who didn't go to college. I don't need to compare myself to a family who is Christian. Like really they are so different. I'm
Not gonna feel bad bc whatever she says to make me feel like luge lowest cacacroach on the earth it will never make a relevant equation. Like no matter what way you look at this is will never make any sense. And whatever love we had. It's gone. So whatever. Like really this is the last time I ever hang around drug addicts or reformed drug addicts or people who like calling people crazy and stuck up. Or people who don't know how to read bigger words like baroque. Like she doesn't know many things. I don't know but I seriously concluded that she must not be that smart to let me go bc I'm the friend that would feed her cloth her and give her a place to sleep. Also she would make fun of my boyfriend and the way he looked. Like she said he looked like a rat and started laughing. Like fuck you bitch. Even if he looks like a rat at least he took care of me when everyone abandoned me. I'm not gonna miss a Mormon anymore. I'm not gonna cry over someone who is super racist and stupid. And who comes from a stupid fucking racist family. Like really they're red necks. They don't even know how to clean their fucking house. I don't care how man I am on here but it's enough. I'm not gonna be talked down to by someone who likes living in cat shit and cat pee.
Lastly I don't need someone telling me that I'm after them and that I'm capable of hurting them. Like I'm sorry you forgot how many times you lived with me bc your family didn't want you at home. Yeah right I would hurt her. Maybe now I'm being callous writing to you Kelly about the things I don't like about her. But it's true I don't like any of those things about her. I also don't like how violent she is. One day she head butt on of my friends in the head. Like she is a real violent lady.
Who isn't Christian * meaning without religion.
She a witch. Summer is a witch. I need to stop feeling stupid and retarded. She a witch. Like someone who likes worshipping Satan. Like I don't need to say anything more. I don't need to say one word more. Also when we were friends she never celebrated my birthday. I never got any fucking birthday present. What kind of friendship is that. What am I missing. In all the years we were friends she never got me a birthday present or even a Christmas present. Not even a card that you could draw. That's a horrible friendship. I used to say it was bc she was poor but honestly no amount of poverty explains that. Bc you could like even give a a snickers bar from Halloween as a present. If I ever started having panic attacks and started getting weird it has to do bc summer wasn't here. I used to see her as a body guard. That's it. But honestly it was a shitty friendship. One time she told her aunt to give her money for a bunch of vintages music CDs and she never gave them to me for my birthday. She just kept them all. Who the fuck does that promise you a cool present. And hen not give it. It was oldies music collection. She didn't even burn them for me. It was supposed to be music for my new car and new music player in my car. That was the only birthday present she almost gave me.
You know what my new friend from school gave me for my birthday. SHe gave me Victoria secret bags. And then on Christmas she gave me a bunch of Victoria secret lotions and body sprays. Like that's how lovable I am. I don't need summer. Like she won't even give me a gift. What do I have to lose. She just a psycho bitch and I'm way too emotional person to deal with psycho. I'm sick of hanging out with poor people. Like pooor in the wallet and poor in the mind. They make me feel like soemthing is wrong with me. Also I don't need a friend who is willing to date bums. Or a friend who is thankful when I start praying for them. Like I'm over getting hurt. It's over. At least my new friend loves. E and buys me everything a girl could ever want. And luckily my best friend from middle school came back to look for me. And wants to hang out with me. I don't need summer. Both my friends are prettier than summer too. One is a Hawaiian princess. The other is a Irish Italian blonde princess with blue eyes. Like I don't need summer.
I made a list of things I want to do. I haven't made one of these goal lists in forever. I feel better After the long list of explaining why I need to start feeling better after the rudeness I had to insure. Then today I wrote the list bc it's something I did when I first began to feel ignored by her. I started with a list and just continued writing about things I wanted needed. I started journaling and changing. Eventually that's how I lost weight back then. I really appreciate how you haven't erased anything I've written. I have to keep this ever so present; the fact that you're still alive. I know bc you blocked me from the other blog. I want to say that I feel a lot better today and I'm not letting anything hurt me. Today I will be getting something I lost that will help me do all the things on my list. I'm so happy bc today I remembered that you are still alive and today I stopped feeling bad about writing to you bc I remembered that you haven't erased any of the things I've said. It actually helps me to write to you. I get to cross examine my writings and it makes me feel important when I write to you. It's so weird after I wrote about the pain in my nails it stopped hurting the next day. Tomorrow I'm gonna start to lose weight. Also today and last night I started thinking about all the cool aspects about my life bc I remembered how horrid it was when I was near summer.
You know I don't know if you will read this but I was thinking maybe you need to open up a coffee shop. Like maybe you need to take a loan out and open up a coffee shop. I know that your credit score has to be ok bc your so responsible. I also know that you love keeping on your feet and moving around. My cousin had a coffee shop opened. She said she made a lot of money from it. Maybe I'm crazy and you would hate the idea but think about it. I love you as my best friend that you were bc even now that we are not close you allow me to be so insane. You allow me to take out everything that bothers me on paper. I really appreciate it. I have so many things I want to do. I'm so happy that I did the list of things. It's called the list of things I want to do before I die. I hope that I will be able to do them. Thanks for letting me talk about what bothered me these past few years about that friend. It really helped me get over it. Bc it was making me really depressed. And to be honest I had a dark cloud above my head bc of her. Like last night I promised myself that I won't get jogged down bc she is not nice to me or near me. I need to be filthy rich positive like you taught me to bc long ago. That's why I appreciate you. Most people tell me to go along with the sad moments but you actually helped me and told me it's not ok. I even remember we broke up once bc I was so negative. Like you broke up with me and before that you yelled at me. If you hadn't done that I would have never changed. Thanks.
Endure *
I'm gonna smile. Laugh. And be positive. I'm gonna stop judging myself. I'm gonna let go of things. And I'm gonna try to grow. I'm gonna do all the things I've wanted to do these past 4 years. I'm gonna stop making excuses. And I'm gonna confront my fears.
I'm gonna start journaling not on here but on my own. I'm also gonna start reading my college handbook on how to write better. I've spent way too much time not caring about how I sound when I write. I want to write with concise paragraphs and I want to not make grammatical errors. I'm gonna start appreciating everything I have and I'm gonna start to smile more. I can't just sleep my life away and think that is ok. I can't forget who I am and what I actually want in life. Most importantly I'm gonna start to learn how to love everyone around me. I want to let go of grudges and hopefully I can show how Special I am to everyone. I'm gonna start living my life and stop living through others peoples lives. It's not ok to do everything I've done.
You know what I said about you opening up a coffee house isn't nonsense. I remember you telling me how much you enjoy serving coffee and how miserable you are sitting in an office. Also, I know you have to have several well off friends that could invest in the coffee house with you. You just have to present a good argument and talk to them when the time is right. Then you could serve coffee and make the time you spent worth it. I know it's scary to think about Starbucks and having to compete with them, but there are still many independent coffee houses. Some people hate going to big franchises and love going to independent coffee houses. Also, you already learned how to make all the pastries and you know so much about coffee. Now you just have to look into the supplies vs cost. Then you have to do some analyzing market trends in different neighborhoods. Learn the market and who you're marketing to. Come up with a business name and register it in the newspaper. Come up with a cute marketing plan and cute names. Add up the amount of money you need for 1 year of rent. That's advised for new businesses. So you will need a big penny to start off, but if you're successful you will make up the money quickly. Stop procrastinating and stop living in the clouds. Stop thinking that money is gonna drop on your lap over night. Stop working like a dog. Gather up all your friends and be good to them. Love them and ask them kindly to invest in your coffee house. You will have to get a business food license- Those cost money. You will need to hire a few hands but maybe not bc you could open up a very small business. You could advertise in the penny saver and the newspaper. You could offer freebees on your grand opening to get customers to come. Think about it. I'm barely skimming the surface of what it is. You will need a lawyer you can buy those online. You will need an accountant or at least a very good register of everything you do. Think about your future. I'm sure you have some friends that love you enough to invest and a coffee house would bring in good money. You could even have a library at your coffee house where you get to borrow books and leave one. Roasting water has that. It's a drink house. You could pull out a loan. And also get people to invest. If your friends don't want to invest you could advertise online to find investors.
I wish you the best.
I just remembered something offhanded summer said once. When she finally added me to her Facebook account like longer after me and Sharon were friends. She said one day that she couldn't take how dirty and ugly Sharon was. She said why are you hanging out with dirty ugly beaners. When she said this I didn't think about it much but I just thought she was jealous.
Now that I think back that is the most horrendous thing someone could say. Summer has dark relatives but she doesn't have dark friends except for a black girl friend. She hated that I was hanging out with a Mexican. I don't like how she said that. me and Sharon will never be as close as summer and I were, but still it doesn't matter. I don't like how racist she was. Like the whole time we were in Together in person I didn't realize how racist she is.
When she said she didn't like how dark I was on another occasion I thought she was just jealous of how I lived by the coast and got to tan everyday. But in reality I think summer hates darker people. She doesn't like dark people. She would always talk about how I was her prettiest friend before and summer never got to see me super tan.
I forgiven her already but I don't ever want to look back bc she has grown delirious. She just doesn't understand how to be nice ever. What I don't understand if she hates dark people so much why does she always date a dark Mexican American. I just don't get it. Also, I don't mind it that she doesn't want to talk to me bc she has to think about her family. When I think about how she has kids I'm happy and it's weird bc I don't know how to react to them. Like it's weird how I got to see her with her children. I'm just glad she has a family. I don't like that neither of us are married. It makes me sad that she never got married and neither did I. Like it just makes me sad to think about it bc were both beautiful lovely woman if you look over our rough edges. Even though summer is racist, I will always love her like my sister and wish the best for her. I hope she makes good decisions and doesn't obsesses over me and think I want to harm her or her children.
Mothers are crazy. And I can see why she would think I want to harm them bc I don't have any. She probably thinks I'm super envious and that I want to hurt her. It's rational in the sense that she has motherly instincts but also asinine to think such horrid things of me. Especially when she used to entrust all her money to me and her deepest secrets that I would never dare tell anyone especially those that could hurt her. She didn't add me on Facebook for a long time bc she thought I would talk crap about her to her boyfriend's parents. That's how untrusting she is. And to be honest I don't blame her. Trust no one.
Today I had a surprise. There is usually Hispanics or Asian people at Starbucks that treat me like shit. They hired a new white girl. And she was super nice to me and seemed very happy when she saw my face. Like as if I made her whole day much better just by greeting me. It was the greatest feeling ever. Those other baristas always make me feel like something is wrong with me or like I'm inadequate. They would make me feel like I'm a crazy bag lady. Maybe they just don't like white people. I don't know. Like everyone says I'm white so I don't know why else they treat me like shit every time I order a drink.
Today I'm happy to be alive. I thanks Jesus and Jehovah for being alive.
You know why I loved summer. Bc she reminds me of my mother. They have the same lips. And their attitude is a little similar. I always felt like I was hanging out with my mom. Although they're very different in many respects. I don't hate summer for hating Mexican Americans. She hates them used to baby sit her and they used to abuse her and talk shit. But I also think her aunt taught her to be racist. I don't know how but her way of thinking is really cray cray. Bc they're always hanging out with Mexican Indians. So like do you hate them or love them. I don't know. I just know summer doesn't like me tanning and she doesn't want me to have any Mexican American friends. In one part I don't blame her bc Mexican Americans are never nice to me.
They always end up treating me like shit. Summer was a really good friend in the sense that she was loyal to me. She always wiped my tears. Listened to my stories. Loved how I was her teacher. She always would hang out with me in the best of times and the worst of times. She bought me shoes once. She gave me my favorite purse. She did many nice things for me like buying me dinner all the time and cigarettes. Let me use her make up which is like the biggest no no I'm woman's culture. She would brush my hair and treat me like her doll. If anyone said anything fucked up to me she would tell them off. If I was scared she would sleep with me and cuddle. She would burn me music. We would basically go everywhere together. And I was her right hand and she was mine. I just got sick of how lazy she was and how she never wanted to go to college with me. I hate her for that bc I had socially anxiety at one point and I wanted her to take classes with me. Just in case john came after me again and wanted to beat me up. And she came on a few occasions but she never enrolled with me and I won't forgive her. Bc now she's is away raising some Mexican American low life children and she doesn't have me anymore nor I her. It sher fucking fault. Once I tried getting her married to this guy his father owned many gasoline stations. She didn't want to be with me him bc he was Indian or soemthing. Or maybe bc she wanted her ex. But frankly it would have been better than having kids with that Mexican American low life. He never wined and dined her. He took advantage of her and then left her after her pussy got all loose with the kids. Like I fucking hate that piece of shit. He even started brain washing her against me. I'm sick of the poor fucking assholes she dates. If she picked a Mexican American she should been with a hard working illegal immigrant at least so he never would leave her alone. I hate how miserable she gets sometimes. I want her to be happy married with children. Not being a single mother.
Lastly I'm sick of how she compares me to Mexican Americans bc I don't look like them or am there colors even when I tan. I look Italian and to be honest there is a whole other type of racism against Italians. So for once you stupid pale pasty white puta meaning I love you doll stop mixing up your races. I sick of her bullshit. I'm sick of it. Her family is so much more Mexican America. Than any one I've ever met. They even have that Mexican American accent like chee and Chong films. That's how they talk. It's really annoying hanging out with that bull shit.
I'm not racist but she makes me hate how fucking ghetto people are. She just like that Mexican American lady who compares herself to white actresses and goes to Disneyland and then says she wants white people killed. Like that's how stupid summer sounds when she talks about hating Mexican Americans meaning Indians. When she had children with one of those people.
You know what else pisses me off. How Spanish she looks. Like doesn't she get that there are many white people who are racist against Spanish people. Like I wish she could have inherited this knowledge from me but I was too naive to know she had a problem, not until after she left was I aware how racist my dearest friend was. I would have never been her friend I feel I knew how truly racist she was. One day she was dating a neo you know what. I didn't think much about it then. He broke up with her. He probably broke up with her when he found out she was Spanish. When I found out what he was I was happy that nothing bad came about it.
don't like talking about these things. It's very unbecoming and honestly I can't help it bc of how close she was to me, but in the end I'm still angry. Not like the kinda of angry that takes action, but I'm super disappointed with the way she treated me. I'm also disappointed with myself for not noticing how racist meaning not racist but prejudice she is. Excuse me for not using the correct word. She is prejudice. And I can't forgive her for thinking it's ok to start playing the racial card on me to make me feel like I'm lower than her. Has she not seen the television colored people are rising to positions of importance and have show how important they are to society. Like peanut butter- a black person invented peanut butter. That's one thing that comes to mind on the simplest basis, but on the vast many names can raised. I just don't want to be causing a lot of commotion on your blog. I know if I can ever see her under the same light. I can be forgiving if she doesn't like one of my colored friends bc maybe it's not their color but something she sees in their attitude. Maybe she just didn't know how to explain what she saw that she didn't like. I just can't forget how she was able to tell me how ugly and Indian or colored I looked that summer. I had my hair brushed perfectly and I had fancy attire and I was picture amongst people. So I won't ever know if she was being prejudice or envious. It's just weird hearing her speak this way bc she has aunts that are Hispanic and way darker than I. She never speaks ill to them. And I've never given her the impression that I have a whiter superiority complex, in so much that I would be saddened if I were to be compared to someone who was colored. To be honest. Sometimes I think Mexican Americans are way prettier than a lot of white people. Like Liz your old room mate. She was really pretty and dark.
have to get over this and put my two feet in front of me and conquer what matters. But also I don't like how she compares me to those people bc they're are very politically upset about current affairs in America. And those people I remember in high school and in my best friend college parties. All they go on about is taking over California and making sure that it someday gets to be Mexico again. Like they really feel strongly about stuff like that and I have nothing to do with that. So why the hell are you putting me in a pile of people that have nothing to do with me in my proactive affairs. Like she could of made fun of how I write or how I think, or I don't really know what she could do. To be honest it's the Mexican American culture. Mexican Americans are very prejudice and they like making people feel inferior if they are not paper white. Like the farthest you are from paper white is how they start talking ill about another person. It's not just summer. I've never noticed this type of behavior with other white friends I've had. It's not to exclude all people bc I'm sure many are prejudice but the fact that I'm supposed to be her sister. It just doesn't add up.
I don't give a crap about people's color of their skin. I try to find meek, gentle souls who have a kind nature. People who are forgiving and giving. People who love. I don't like hanging out with people who are prejudice over who is darker or who is whiter. Like Sharon she hates white people. She never says it but she only like hanging out with black people. And thinks weird stuff that I don't understand or could ever know. I just know she's another summer on the other end of the spectrum.
To be honest I don't think I would ever want to date a dark man, but also I know I'm not attracted to them and they're not attracted to me. So does this make me prejudice. I don't think so. I don't even ever want to date someone who doesn't have colored eyes and it's only bc my boyfriend who had brown eyes almost killed me, but luckily men with brown eyes don't ever flirt with me. It's always men with colored eyes and light hair. I just sick of negativity and feeling worthless. I'm sick of having that dash on the board of my friend being gone and acting delirious. It hurts. Also I'm not attracted to dark men bc a dark man hurt me and I won't ever find his race attractive. Luckily for me they're not attracted to me. I also wonder if I look like such an Indian why the army Indians flirting with me all the time or ever. And why do Indians always go after summer. Like I can't stop laughing at her. She used to tell me she was envious of how delicate and soft my features were. Like it would enrage her to know how pretty I was to her. I wish she never hated me for that. I never hated her for how Italian my skin isn't and how much it hurts to be in the sun. She's like powder she never burns or tans.
Aside from all this b L A CK H I ST Ory month crap, I want you to know Kelly that I want you to make lots of money bc if there ever was anyone on earth who would buy me the moon it would be you. I can't forget how you would starve yourself to make me happy, stop being a genius and start thinking like a Moron and make lots of money so that when we are old and wrinkly we can go gambling. Play canasta. Have pina coladas. And worry about nothing. Like I really want you to invest in your future bc like it or not some how you always end up back with me and this time I don't want a scrub. A scrub is man that don't get back with me riding on the side of passengers side. I don't need no scrubs. Ok. Kelly that's always been my favorite song. And I invested in you from day one bc I know you ain't no scrub so stop living mediocre life. Bc when we're old we're gonna need money to be happy. And I'm not some gold digger. Just look at inflation and how chocolate and soda have gone up since we were little. It's scary or gas prices. Stop thinking you're gonna be ok living on a mediocre wage when you don't even like buying cheap soy sauce. Soy sauce Kelly. They all taste the same. Even if I'm not there with you being miss is fancy pants about food pretend I am there. Think about how miss fancy pants likes eating and she's never starved one day in her life. Wake up. What if one day you forgive me and we end up being best friends again. When that day comes I don't want no scrub. Use all the gifts god gave you don't waste them. And don't stop praying to god. I don't want you to be homeless ever in your life. I'm scared I'm gonna love a bum. I don't want to love a bum. It's not something I ever aspired to do. Ok. Think about where my father and mother are from. Think about how they never ever were bums. Ok. Don't judge me for wanting great things in your life. I want you to be happy for once in your life and to be ok.
Maybe you will see me like a bum. And maybe we both need to try to change everything we did so that one of us can lift the other up. I already gave my little sister this lecture and she said she is gonna go back to college and major in science. Part of me is scared she wants to be a psychologist and lock me up. That's why you need to be the rich guy that is in a save me from my crazy family. Like your gonna feel super sorry for me, you need to use your higher than average IQ and start taxing it with high interest.
To be honest Kelly. Summer was like my boyfriend, she knew how to throw a huge punch. She grew up in the hood and you know I grew up like in a gated community. Some people think I'm streets smarts which I am partially out of the friendships I made-like I really choose girl friends that new how to use the bus line and stuff like that otherwise I didn't even know they existed. I was clueless. But to be honest I think I ended bat shit crazy bc my girl friend hasn't been with me in so long. Like really let's say she did sell her body for whatever she needed like everyone says she did. Well to be honest I don't give a fuck bc I knew I would always be taken care by her. Like I'm such a bitch but I've always chosen slutty friends bc they always defend me like the most virginal thing on earth. And that why's I love all my asshole ghettoer than ghetto friends. I don't know how to be without summer bc she's always taken care of me like as if I was her child. Like that's how I felt. And she felt like I was her sister. Like I don't feel safe anymore since she's gone. Remember when we started dating and how I brought summer along with me. That's how scared I am. She was like the living breathing pepper spray. She's also the one that used to sing me lullabys. And put me to sleep on her chest when I got mad with my mom. I miss sleeping on her chest it was better than a freaking pillow. I also miss how she would prank me. Or how she used to doll me up. Like there was never a guy that made me feel pretty. She always made me feel like the most gorgeous woman on earth. She would always call me her Artemis or Aphrodite. I was single for many years and in being single there never was a day I was alone bc she took the position of a boyfriend. Like I've said before I'm not a lesbian but she was as close as a sister and more.
I don't know how I'm able to walk or talk or do things without her bc we always did everything together. And to be honest I've never met a man stronger than her or more daring. Like if there was a situation to handle I would never doubt that she would handle it. Nor would she still scared if we were in a bad part of town. She would just tell me lets wear our dickies and strap on our boots and cut our hair short to scare people off. Also we would pray together. We very spiritual together and I loved being around her bc she never judged me harshly like many Christians tend to do. I also cry bc she's the first person who ever cried about how sun tan my arms are and how it hurts. She would lather the sun block on me. All the years I lived by the pool in my cute little neighborhood no one in my family ever took care so well of my skin. She actually burned a bunch of songs commemorating how my white skin was so damaged. And even though she was my friend this other black girl I won't ever forget how she hit her cuz of how much of a bitch she was to me. Like part of me doesn't like it. But also that girl would get on my nerves like crazy. It was nice bc she would always share clothing with me. Not even my own sister does that. She used to look at my eyes and my face and we would feel all the love we had for each other. And she would play the guitar and I would write the lyrics. She would appreciate all of my writings and my poetry and art work. I never had a friend that was so invested in me the way she was.
When you and I would break up she would hold me in her arms and cry with me and tell me I know sweet heart. I know. She would stroke my hair. And we would just swing on the rocking chair. Then she would take me out to like a head bangers back yard party to make it all better or any party. But to be honest as much as people wanted to whisk me away I always ended up single at her side. I think one time we started wondering if god would make one of us a male in the new system bc we never had luck in love. It just sucked big time bc no one ever fit the shoe size. You know what I loved about us we never talked about race or really big things that divide people. I remember the first day I met her. It was at a Denny's at her birthday party. She looked at me like the barista looked at me today and picked me out of the crowd and sat next to me. We became like bet friends in one instant.
Sometimes I wish I didnt travel so much like ive have which isn't much but if I hadn't traveled so much maybe summer wouldn't feel decided from me or the fact that I speak different languages. Like those things always hurt summer bc all she speaks is English and she's never been outside f the United States much less a trip to a far off location. I hate how that divided her away from me. When I started picking up french she couldn't stand it. It drove her little mind insane and that's when she started yelling profanities at me and acting out again. Summer doesn't like education she hates educated people nerds, like real nerds not hipsters. She like people who are good with their hands. I hate how she couldn't just be ok with me learning anothe lanuage. Which is really a joke bc Spanish and french are so similar. When I first met her I wanted to teach her german but she said she wasn't smart enough. I hated that about her bc I wanted to speak another language no one knew with her. I love my summer. I hate her name bc it sounds like a joke. I which she had a more respectable name not such a hippy name.
I also miss spending Saint Patrick's day with her. It didn't matter if she had a boy friend or not she would always spend that holiday with me and buy me all the cooolest drinks ever. And if we were single we're would cry into each other's arms.
I've broken up with her many times but this time I think she broke up with me for good. Last time I broke up with her bc she let me leave in the taxi cab with a big scary black man. He ended up threatening me and locking me in the taxi cab unless I gave him a Lola's of money. It was very scary. I stopped talking to her for a long time bc of that. He took all my money and almost raped me.
You know how I'm scared of the dark and Googlie monsters. When I was with summer I never got scared of anything hurting me. It's like she always tore the creepy out of everything. Bc she tends to be irrational and I'm more rational so I start to take care I feel her and then I forget my own irrationality.
Summer had many virtus and I don't know how to list them all but I also love how not slutty she ever was in front of me. She was always a good girl in front of me and that's why I hate everyone that used to talk so badly about her. It got so bad that I'm conclustion that's why we both decided to start our lives in another state. We were sick of not being invited to parties bc these assholes wanted to spread rumors that we were sluts or lesbians. And talk all kind of trash about us. Or say we had many vanerial disease. Like that's why we left California and half of them were men that were just pissed off bc we would sleep with them. I also miss playing chess with her. I don't miss how she would throw the chess board when i was really close to beating her. Like I've said I'm smarter than her. I hate myself for it. But in other respects she is smarter than me. It's the moron theory. Like I really think stupid people are the smarter ones.
On one of our break ups. She said she wouldn't be my friend until I got back with you and she called me a slut for moving in with my boyfriend. When I think about it now. I get her bc she protected me from so many men for so long. Like she really thought there would be a wedding one day. She just doesn't know how much you love the ladies and how much you don't let me be your friend for long. Sometimes I hate you bc when we were at six flags you should of just went along with me when I said we were friends not on a date. Like maybe you shouldn't have tried kissing me. You broke my heart that day bc I didn't want to be seen as a piece of meat. I don't get turned on by that. I wanted to be your best friend so badly. I gained so much weight when we started dating. I think bc I was super nervous. When we first met believe it or not I was like a size 9 or 10.
We also wanted to leave The state bc we were afraid someone was going hoodoo voodoo on both of us. We didn't know how to explain all the shit we went through a short time. And many people envied our beauty our friendship our love for one another and our boyfriends. Like I'm one instant everything came crashing down. And as hard as we tried to get educated it just didn't end up happening. Like there is some really heavy bad energy in this area and we still don't know where the frack it comes from. And we can't say it's normal bc most people don't have to deal with it. Summer tried one semester of colllege and had to drop out. We never felt comfortable in our skins after our boyfriends left us. We think the witch was johns mother. And we don't know why but she didn't like us bc we were white woman. She is considered a Latina even though she is white too. Like she looked at us like gross gringas. Summers boyfriend almonds mother didn't like summer either bc she want an Indian woman meaning Mexican American woman. We don't know who in our click was out to get us but we never felt safe again. Only when we were together did all the fear leave our hearts. Our love would conquer all the fear around us. I have a sixth sense it gets in the way of many things in my life but I was still able to accomplish things. But after that period in our lives it's like my sixth sense didn't work anymore. It's like it just stopped working. It wasn't the way people treated us it was an warped energy in our auras. It's like they sniffed out the light in our heads and it wasn't easy to understand what it was. As I grow older I'm learning more and more about the true enemies we have and I think this is why summer and I don't talk. We don't want to invite this warped energy into our lives again. It hard to explain what summer must feel. When summer and I are together we see shit together and it gets very scary. The kids are not old enough to fight off this energy we go through that attacks our friendship and our wishes on earth.
I don't appreciate you how you brought me back to it bc when I was over there it's like the energy wasn't takening hold of my life. It like not being able to move or do anything. When I came back all the energy came to attack me again, I can't even begin to understand what it I said. I feel it in the city I live. In the city I lived since childhood. And in the city summer was from. Maybe it's even a religion that is prevalent in those areas. I don't know what it I say but I'm sick of it.
Remember how much you talked to me when I left. You couldn't stop calling me. It's like the energy didn't have a hold of me. Anymore. And that's why you could talk to me so freely. Mexican Americans hate me and summer. Mexican Americans took our boyfriends right under our skirts before we even got to have fun. They left us bc we wouldn't do the things those woman would do and we didn't know that the energy they created with their love can really burn me and summer out. Like they're still fucking and making noises that I will never understand. Noises that can break the white noise in my oasis. Like the jungle doesn't feel the same anymore. Every time I walk outdoors I can smell them feel them taste the air. It doesn't feel the same. It's like they are Ursula in the Ariel movie. They bewitched them and took them away from us virginal things.
Those Mexican American woman are really into Santeria. Summer and I probably saw the store and bought one out of a joke but in reality we were scared shitless. We never went back there bc were not into that stuff. But those Mexican American woman who took our men kept going into those shops. You know how I knew through my sixths sense. Now years later I see the images errect on their profiles so it's not just hinches or my sixth sense sending an alarm all over the place. Like those botches took our future Ivy League men away and made babies with them. No more acetechture men. No more men that promise to buy us the biggest diamond they can afford to replace the bread wrapper twist. Like no more dreams of having a honey moon in Hawaii. No more time to get ready to jump rope. Like they took them away and left us with fake matter that we have to fight off every ducking day we're alive. Bc those fuckers loves us and the curse was so that no man would ever look at us with love and romance again. It's always gonna be hot hot heat. Like that killers song. But. It really just the title. And when I mean hot hot heat I mean that they only want to start humping us like animals and they can't function or talk about things. It's like we're dealing with animals. That's why me and summer were girl friends for a long time with short hair. I never even got to blow job status. That's how horrible and terrible this Cupid chock hold was. To this day we don't know why those men would prefer indian wives instead of us white woman. It doesn't make any fracking sense. It makes us feel dirty. We don't know how to act around men anymore bc all the romance gets murdered by that jungle fever and dark matter we have to fight. The sensible and insensible. The witchcraft is real. When I say summer is a witch I mean she could get possessed and start attacking me. And start thinking she is a witch. Bc I think that is what those spells did to her. SHe wasn't always a gothic queen before almond. She was in spicy girls. She was a normal bubbly girl. And so was I. Those men came with woman already attached to their cocks and with creepy religions at their ankles.
That energy attacks our family members and our family likes calling us insane and getting psycho therapy to us. They want us killed those witches so we never find a way to break all the fucking spell work they do to hurt us. To this day I'm not married and neither is Summer. Everyone we love ends up fracked up in the end maybe that's why summer and I have been pretending not to love each other. We don't know what that energy is capable of doing to us. Your a homosexual when you were always a hereosexual. That's happened to summers favorite boyfriend too. Everyone we love ends up being gay and it's really scary watching them change over night. It's not fun. We miss all the dicks woman could have. That's why I didn't like your gfs bc they all seemed like crazy Mexican American witches, they don't even have to be Mexican American they just act the part.
Those dweebs are capable of murder. They almost killed me and summer separately. They even slapped us bc we used to kiss each other and accused us of being lesbians when all we ever dreamed was about getting married to them and having their children. And we wanted them to become archetects. We had our whole future planned. I still flinch everyday bc of those woman and those men. I've never been the same. I get scared even when I'm locked behind doors. Doors don't mean a thing if one of those delinquents come around. They know how to do all the mistakes horrendous things bc of those American Mexican woman they had worse families ties than even summer. Like it's that scary. Summer probably thinks I'm into that stuff bc I gave up on my old dreams and bc I kept hanging out with Mexican American woman. To be honest I did it bc I wanted to learn more about their culture and figure out how to fight the dark energy. Sharon used to help me. But one day she called me a stupid gringa and told me she wouldn't help me with her sixth sense or spiritual gift. Like she really started being against me that's what summer warned me about. I always give the benefit of a doubt but summer doesn't with her fist the air. I think summer isn't norm my friend just bc I had a few Mexicans American friends. And you know what I don't blame her. Those Mexican American girls also do Santeria and Sharon has even threatened me with it before.
You know what's harder to explain how I fell in love harder with you. Even moms can do witchcraft. Don't think moms are free of being this evil Kelly and your nerd friends. Your mom could be doing witchcraft on you so you don't know how drive your car and how to be a normal person. Ok to be honest when I met your mom I got creepy witch feelings. When I met your dad I didn't feel anything to be alarmed about. Your dad didn't give me the creeps. Witchcraft is something that happens in every culture. Every single culture. Now a days all types of people around the world flock to this area to learn about Santeria. She had creepy witch eyes and creepy witches mouth of witches brew script. I felt like Snow White and the evil witch with the poison apple. It didn't feel like I just don't like that girl. It wasn't that. I smelled a witch. Start wearing tigers eye and black onyx. Summer Satan tigers eye helps her and I always like black onyx for protection not protection it like bounces off the dark matter. You have way too many marriages broken I don't even know the ones I don't know. Like you need to stop being so pessimistic and start protecting yourself from witches.
Summer says * tigers eyes
What if summer did Santeria before I met her. What if she did. I don't know but she used to hang out with many mexicna americnas. All I know I have a lot of bills with psychologist and I know I'm not crazy. I'm not crazy your the one that crazy paranoia paranoia everyone is coming to get me. But honestly it's scary as frack thinking about how many times I've been sent to a psych ward. I'm tired. I'm also sick of the abuse by the therapist I currently have she leaves messages like she wants to fucking murder me. She sounds psychotic on the messages. I'm sick of this nonsense. I just know witches did all this nonsense bc everyone we know and love are acting insane. Like turning gay and calling us crazy. Doing irrational things. Not acting rationally. Bipolar bullshit. Sometimes I try not to get alarmed but it is alarming. All of it. I sound like an idiot but if you go to a pagan part of the library or new age religion or old religions like you will always notice the creepiness. It's creepy. I wish philosophers started writing about witchcraft and witches and wizards and scary things. Bc I don't understand how to combat it, I probably would read more philosophy if they talked about these subjects. That's why I never read the philosophy books my dad gets or even care to know about it bc I want to learn how to fight those fracking witches off.
The scariest thing happened. A Mexican American woman delivered roses to my house with chocolates. And she didn't seem happy to see me. She had hatred and envy in here eyes when she looked at me and guess what I gave this look of great happiness. Like are the chocolates not poisoned?
I'm sorry I always bore you bc I don't like reading philosophy but until you can start writing about athropogloy and about witches and dark anger I don't care. I find philosophy really boring bc it doesn't tell you how to sucker punch a bitch witch when she comes in with her venoms oil. That's the stuff that kills in a matter of seconds and can take everything your worth over night. I hate how much of philosophy likes disquieting all the unnatural things that tend to happen in society.
I wish you would read the Bible like we agreed to when we were seeing each other. Like read it every Sunday. Also I'm not scared I'm probably gonna end up without the responsibility of children. Like since I was little I just knew that everything is broken and won't ever work like for working. But maybe one day when I'm old you will remember me and buy me a drink that I always refused to cash in on when we were friends. Maybe you will be nice to me and go gambling with me and give me money to play bc when I'm old I won't be lucky like all these young ladies that everything not broken. I want to hang with someone who loves God and someone who has money. And someone who knows how to make me feel like a polite lady. I miss your friendship and I don't want to stress it any longer. I feel like I'm a 50 year old. When we first met I felt like 120 I'm younger now. Ok.
Do you know what else creeps me out. How diamond rings were not enacted for marriage until the 1920's. I think before that they just didn't wear rings. When I got the ring repaired the one I would wear to let everyone I was taken the one I wore when I was with you. Well they switched the diamonds out a philapena with. Like what if she's did witchcraft. Bc since those diamonds went missing you and I have been acting like really ducking creepy. I really wonder what the hell it is about diamond rings. It's creepy. I used to deflect all the negavitve energy with that ring. I got a new on but it just doesn't work the same.
You know what my little sister did when Alex left her. It's not my fault I didn't tell her it was ok to give her virginity without a marriage license. You know what she did she wrote a little letter to all my close friends including summer and told them that I was a sucidal and also trying to hurt her physically. So now old friends are afriad of me and scared about witchcraft effecting them. Bc hey know my ass ain't crazy violent. What they don't know is that melody made all this shit up to pay me back bc Alex broke up with her. And she likes blaming me for it. She says it's my fault. Like I'm sick of this crazy shit. I dream of the day I get another bigot friend like summer sipping some tea and me oblivious to all of it. I dream of the day I have anothe riron fist sitting next to me.
Did you know I moved to Wisconsin bc of how much money there is to be made there. I left. Ok. I'm writing short stories so that I can get a hang of this and maybe write a child's novel meaning young adult scary book. I left the area bc of how they only hire mexicna americna or Spanish pale pasty woman like summer for high positions. I'm sick of how many people don't get to work unless they have a Santeria position in life. I'm scared of how my family ever got dragged down into this erroneous region. It perplexes me to this day every year I kept hearing my mom talk about how many a ghost town reside amongst us. No to say that she saw dead people but that everyone seemed to be dead. I'm creeped out beyond measure and I may seem inept to describe myself precisely but without my bigot friend I cannot go forward with more details.
You know why I miss summer bc she would watch horror movies with me and we would never be scared when we left. It's like it's a film and we know how to protect ourselves. Now I get to live with the creepy feeling that something bad will happen
I don't know why but my ass been hurting. What if I'm feeling the pain you have in your ass or soemthing. I can't walk without pain. Maybe I'm feeling someone but it doesn't feel ok. Someone close to me isn't having anal sex. That why I hate my body bc of how many 6 sense I have. I'm not making fun of you. I don't even know if your gay anymore but my ass hurts.
Happy Valentine's Day Kelly burner. I hope you get to have scrumptious cookies and smile when you read this. Too bad we didn't go to grade school bc I always gave out the cutest little cards. And I never heeded my words. If I felt something about someone I would write it.
You're the cutest little white boy I've ever know.
Your not blonde now but you were once. Please don't be depressed like all the cute blonde boys I've met in my life. Don't kill your self.
You know what melody says due to the fact that she inherited the Nordic look you know white big gringa. She actually came to me and told me to get the fuck off that white guy and said why are you on that bronco you dirty colored woman. Get off what's mine. Like why are you with this handsome white man. Has she ever noticed I have a certain taste of men and somehow luckily I get I be friends. She always talks like I'm the town slut. She get territorial with any man that want to let me call them my ponie and not a big scary bronco. Cuz you know men change they're not always scary. I'm sick of walking in society with a dark cloud over my shoulders. I can't even shop at anthropology without throwing up or start trembling bc of what melody does to me. That's how she took me to pill heaven. She said what the fuck are you doing with that bronco or stallion or mustang. You need like a wooden horse. Ewww you mean like the Trogen horse and she would be like what's the trogen horse. Then since things such as those past I don't hate to say but she isn't like what she sounds. Someone is Brian washing my little virgin. I get scared when I see this beghavior but honestly it's getting old fashioned and I'm way too 120 to be dealing with all of this. That's why I started listening to bully holiday when I was young and learn to sing like her.
What am I. He she it or thing. Am I real.
I can't stand to see little Asian woman's with broncos or mustangs. If I was ones of those I could see what my sisters had against me hanging out with cute tall white men. Like I don't get her anger towards me I'm not another race like get over me. Why are you not mad at all those psycho fucking home breakers with xxs undies on a big mustang.
I'm actually crying bc to this day I don't own a bronco a mustang or any ponie. I just get to look at them. It's cute how my sister never new ponies and mustangs eat expensive food of oats and apples. They need their hair brushes. Like what does she want those xxxs Asian ladies sitting next to a mustang and feeding him ramen when he needs milk and apples. Like she has tones of Asians friends and always talks about how cute they're. She even compares herself to them. Like why are you inviting them over to pet your mule of whatever animals you like bc I already picked horses bitch. Stop copying me. Just remember I'm not your Asian friend. I'm your sister and I'm tired of crying bc I don't get to lock a horse up and find out what they're really like.
It was fun almost getting dead bc they actually felt sorry and didn't get upset. Now they think I cry wolf and think it's ok to compare me to Asian pussy and call me satanic or crazy bc I don't wan to be man handled again by mom , sister, brother or man relation. Like I don't ever want my little Asian underdeveloped Asian frame being pushed around. That's why I'm one of those strongen woman but no on ever gets how sexy I am they all do. I miss the friendship. I thought getting fat made it better and made everyone loathe me. It doesn't help.
I'm sad for my dog today bc he actually started masterbating when he got scared bc of vernon. He's going at it again telling me I have to take pills only bc I ignored him yesterday. I did it bc I thought it would be romantic to give him silence. I don't like talking a lot bc colored people are not supposed to be heard. Today I had a bible lesson and the ladies were with me. I warned him. When they came he got mad and hit the wall really hard. Like they left and they're worried about me. Like for once someone caught him on action on how subtle he can be abusing me. All bc my sister thinks she can ride this horse. He isn't nice anymore.
I finally have proof that I'm being abused. It felt nice proving it.
I'm crass as hell bc I learned from the best assholes. I'm not gonna ever smile so long as I get to just say what's up or so and so. I'm being.
I caught the unhappiness I have with the horse I thought I trained from the Wild like I captured a wild horse. The two ladies witness the thing that makes me look and act like I'm not normal. Since my sister started flirting or combing my horses hair he doesn't act normal. Then she comes over pouring pills down. And so does he. Like honestly he is telling me to get the fuck out of my life. I don't care how much money I've made while I've been with you or how lucky you made me. Get out or take your pills. I just want you sitting there looking pretty. I don't get to pretend I'm at the rodeo riding the coolest ride and learning all these cool tricks. He doesn't call me smart or anything.
Like what am I supposed to do dude. Like I always try to get over the past and move on. And they always come after me and want to crack me in half like a piñata full of gold. Like I'm human. When are they all gonna stop thinking I can pull them out of the car chase and put them in mouse paradise. They think it's normal how my brains don't work anymore. They thinks it's normal how melody wanted to ride my horse. I'm not a slut or a bitch. I always take care of a certain type of horse since I met you. Like I don't look any other way. I got the the one direction song you sang me about all the cool Asian friends you have like melody. I'm not mad. But how do I actually take care of myself. Like she keeps arresting Every high position I ever get in life. They won't even let me be at home for long. And they think this fancy horse is gonna appreciate how that send me 2 the lunarium. Like he's hot horse he doesn't put up with shit. Like I'm actually wondering where do they want me I'm not a fucking millionaire like Alex. Or billionaire. I don't even know what he is. It doesn't matter. Like don't they get they lowered my IQ so low that this man is telling me to let go. He's doing it by abusing me. He won't let me go in the shower with him at the same time to wash his hair. He also stopped flirting with girls in public like he doesn't give me a cool show anymore telling me he will always find a way home. Even after being tempted. Melody got jealous. Why. If she wanted one of these cool horses I could have bought her on or told her where to catch them. Why are they trying to handicap me. I wish Romeo never killed himself without me. Juliette really misses him. He was a cute ponie and my sister did that to him. He killed himself bc she locked me up in a hospital. He could t take the pain. Like who is that Nordic bitch and why does she like Asian ramen. Woman.
You know what makes me sad. I always catch a wild horse and take him. They make fun of me when I first meet a wild horse and when I take them they want steal my cute pretty horse. Like why don't they go to their expensive millionaire outlets if buying horses since they're such amazing trainers. Like why am I always being abused. I'm also tired about how they can afford all the horse shows and I never can. The day I do come up with the money they drug me and I don't get to watch my horse ride the jokey. Stop betting on my horses bitch. I'm old. I don't have time for games. Stop pretending like you don't harbor hatred at how straight A I was. Like I'm sick of everything you do to prove your not a person who steals ponies. Is my dad really new my ponies were being stolen he put them to work in my grandfathers golf mini park. And not were the cute guys hangs. I'm the back we're her head could get hit. I want my freedom back to walk with a brain. And know that one day I won't have to be a trainer of horses. Like one day maybe one day I won't have to train fucking horse all day long. I wanted a different kind of job. The kind were I know I can do things. Stop stealing my ponies.
I really think I have some form of Down syndrome. And they're trying to lower my IQ level everyday. They don't pay my bills. They don't train my horses or know how they are when I leave bc horses need lots of room to run. I can't help it. I'm a nice trainer. I'm sick of melody comparing me to Alex and calling me his sister. I'm not a crazy fucking Colombian not that they're crazy. I'm not here like Alexander the Great with all the money I. The world. I can't be cool and be bob Marley and forget how to train horses. It's hard. Like why the hell am I also always being kicked off the Down syndrome job. Where to do they flys die on buttermilk. That amazing stuff is expensive. Oh did I say I had a horse that had many cows and a house. Yeah my sister things she's a tiki dancer for him. He stopped taking me to the movies a long time ago and he the crazy Christian that sees me go through every fucking things. Always waiting with his beautiful golden hair. I'm just glad he's alive and still running the fields and eating the healthy grass. But that butch thinks I'm a millionaire. I can't fuzz out my you know what.
I creeps me out just a little bit sometimes how you brought oxford over to Harvard. You never made fun but really it creeps me out and in the same note I wonder ever hate you for letting me victorious in being so floral instead of like that americna gothic painting. Like I just don't like seeing how many people who didn't get these privileges end up so much more wholesome. I never stopped searching for you bc you were wholesome. Like I really cried today bc every time I hit the jack pot like my dad promises me even though I have Down syndrome my mom and my sister come after me like the monkeys In the wizard of oz. I never stopped loving perfecting over the rainbow. It's my Anthem. I'm like a tie emo like everyone says. They don't know the psycho Emos fights off. I hated that word but it was so potluticlalt correct instead of calling us manic depressive disorder. That's why I miss our year group we put the cherrry on the top of so many sundaes and gave them expwsnove snadaes out for free
I can't sleep. Did you know that Helen is a witch and would go to witch places. She was like my closest friend. She would t talk a lot of about it. But the Asian community practices a lot of witchcraft. My other Asian friend was Christian but he became an asshole. Helen is poor and she would get envious of my relationship with that rich Christian. I don't know why I'm bringing this up but basically I liked being around you bc you never started talking about worshipping others gods or like started talking about witchcraft or mediums. Like
I'm sick of all the gothic people also that I knew and know. Your ex gf or gfs could be doing a lot of witchcraft on you and I checked them out like they're self proclaimed witches and worshippers of gods not like Christian god. I know you know about this but why are you hanging out with trashy people that are gonna end up hurting you. I don't like how much time I spend alone like a hermit and it scares me that I'm going to have to end all the witchcraft they've been doing on me alone. I used to be with my friend thinking she would help me end the witchcraft but it turned out she was a witch herself. Like I don't know how to tell you but Christians always look at me like I'm crazy when I tell them that weird stuff happens. Like the Bible lightly talks about these things and I hate how they don't take it seriously. I hate how they don't pray and ask for witchcraft to stop hurting people's lives. They just pray for more money so they can keep giving public speeches to the other Christians. Of course they want togas will done but why can't they specifically pray really loudly about these things specifically. It hurts many people. I know Alex is into to witchcraft to. I don't know what the hell he does or the stuff he can do. I just know he hated me for loving you so much. It's like he wanted me to be in love with him and he attacked me through melody. That's why melody keeeps calling me crazy. Alex wanted me to smoke pot with him and I wouldn't. He doesn't respect my womanhood or personality or beliefs. I don't appreciate how eerie his disposition in life is and how it effected my own. Everyone keeps comparing me to Alex bc I was gothic and who else knows what's else. Everyone meaning melody and my boyfriend. They don't say it but how they want me on pills all day. I don't even tell them how crazy those pills make me. They make me hallucinate and feels things. Like melody destroyed my brain with pills. I didn't even get to be a pot head with Alex. I would of preferred to give him bible lessons and smoke pot then having to do all these pills. It's like Alex wanted me fucked up so he indoctrinated melody and told him I needed a psychologist. Partially only bc I loved you. Alex wanted me to love him. And I hate melody for not seeing through this. Like they act like I didn't know you or like I'm the help in their lives melody. Alex was nice to me many times. But I'm not happy shrinking my Brian. I need a career and I need to be able to think without brain fuzz or hallucinating or feelings things. Like all the psychology drugs I've taken feel like lsd or worse. Like fuck psychology. That's why my friend Helen didn't become a psychologist bc it's a bunch of bullshit.
Sometimes I worried of the man I'm with ending up worse than I am bc of how much of a magnet I am for abuse of witchcraft. Like I'm tired of people not believing me when I say that I'm trying to gather my friends and family to pray. A prayer is so strong it can move a whole mountain around.
I like painting and drawing but I don't do it anymore bc all the witches that hurt me do artwork. I'm scared of it not being productive to the Christian movement and actually hurting many people. I also don't like comparing myself to them and I stay away from art work bc it takes a lot out of my being and it feels like my soul was sold to the art work. I don't like feeling like I'm selling my soul. That's why I don't paint or draw even though I'm a really good artist. Also I don't like sitting down alone drawing. It creeps me out bc it's like something comes around to hurt me or watches me and it's creepy. Since my first boyfriend left me for a artist witch I haven't been able to draw elaborately and extensively for long periods. And also it takes a lot out of me. It's not just drawing and painting anymore. It's like she jealous of me. She wasn't even an artist my ex was in love with my artwork and he ended up cheating on me with this black girl that has like double d boobs. I was like an a cup or less back then. I was a tiny ballerina. Well then that bitch got into art work and I haven't been able to pick up my color pencils with pride or happiness. It's like I'm scared of doing it bc the witch does it. I'm very sad about this bc I don't get to express that part of my life anymore and when I do it hurts a lot and it isn't as great as I wish. I used to get lost in art rooms and I used to go to many art location with my Asian friends. Like they would actually feed my gift. But since that woman came into his life it's like all of us are not the same. We actually all have a dark cloud above us. She's into Santeria. And I don't know everything about Santeria but I do know that it's witchcraft.
I've learned I've rrhw years that it's witchcraft they try to act like it's a form of Christianity but I know it isn't in the end bc of what they do there. Like how they made my ex insane and I don't know how to fix myself any who. Like I'm broken bc my gift can't flourish and everyone hates me and thinks I'm crazy bc I don't draw anymore. I also don't draw bc I don't want to draw anything that would piss God off. He doesn't like a lot of art work. A lot of art work depicts the darkest scenes even the ones you think are pieces of light. I don't like how art work elevates that person off the ground like a witch when you see an artist go it's beautiful and it's like watching gods hand touch the earth. But the things people denote artist to is what I'm not ok with. I don't like how they start saying that artist are gods among the people.
Also colors have so many symbolism behind them and meanings. I almost lose myself when I start to create things bc of the symbolism behind each color and the different roles they play under different subject matter. For instances I love using noir in all my artwork and even to the point of shading it really dark numbers but it just isn't cooler the eye or soothing to most people. I always like painting in a dark medium bc of how scared I am of the dark. I can't continue to elaborate the symbolism behind noir art work it's one of my favorites but I don't do it anymore bc I'm so spiritual and darkness invokes a certain atmosphere that can actually disturb the living wavelength to peace and perfection. Artist paint what they want to happen; it's almost a magical experience and that's one of the reasons why I haven't picked up the hobby of art work. I don't like how my ex always attacks me with her art work. She trying to murder me and even my ex is afraid of her murdering me. He's unhappy and actually threatened to stay with her. He's under so many spells it's sad how his soul got tainted by that witch.
You know why I haven't been able to progress at my studies in the school. It's partially my writing style and how I like to express myself. It's a more ancient elongated way and also more expressive than most modern language. When I go to college and read the papers I don't know whether to laugh or to cry but they want concise simple expressions. Large words or achaic wordage isn't accepted. It's like reading a second graders work. I was in an English honors class and there was only one seat for the second honors course. The bitch gave it to the man even when she promised me the seat only bc she was envious of how I wrote back then. She was an Indian college professor. I don't like how she didn't root for the colored woman. She rooted for this white trash hick who was just there for fun when I was there so that one day I could afford a better living situation. She knew how important it was to me but I really pissed her off with my subject matter and my way of expressing myself. Shortly after that someone broke my ribs. Like what if she is a witch. She could have cursed the living hell out of me. Woman are viscous to me bc they're jealous of my hourglass shape. I have like the biggest hips and all the woman want my hips. At least those that get close to me. I hate my body bc of that. Sometimes I wish I looked like those Mexican American woman with the small butts and small hips. Like they have such small bone structure.
I probably would be so well off. Most of these kids have become educated and have such wonderful dispositions in life. It sucks bc that woman hated me and didn't just feel sorry for me or something. Like she didn't like me. That guy who got the honors course was Hispanic like white hispanic. Or white Mexican American. I really hate how they describe South American or south North Americans. It's really vague and laps over a myriad of people. Mostly they're labels that describe ghettos of types of groups of people. Those subject headers just don't want to start enumerating who is black and who isn't. That's all it is. That's why I'm crazy and I don't think Alex knows this or my boyfriend or my friends. Sometimes I dream that you know this even though I don't start ranting like some crazy liberal on paper or etc in front of you. That's why I love you bc you don't ever start this subject header bullshit that drives me insane. Some people even want to calls Italians Latina or Hispanic. All these terms have to do with areas of South America. I hate how many black people go to college under the terms of being Latino or Hispanic scholarships. There are so many white South Americans that are uneducated it makes me cry when they don't ever have white history month and start talking about the different beautiful white races. Instead it's always a scratch mark of us being racist or being to view these houses of supreme being.
I'm sad too many jobs are being replaced with machine. That's why I like your writing on system building. I love how you describe how the machine is being taken part etc. and they're educating too many assholes that don't have brains. Like people who think differently I know you wouldn't understand what I mean and I know it would kiss you off bc your in the progressive school of thought. But please look at society and how many of us are actually crippled. How many of us can't buy milk and cookies without help. Like there are way too many machines now and there isn't many people who have jobs to leave the house and come home again. There are way too many con artist that think about conning in order to get their milk and cookies. In the old days people didn't get educated you went under apprenticeship and now I swear the disparities amongst the classes is far greater than the recent past. A lot of us kids that come from middle and upper middle class families are being abused by society bc everyone needs to get educated now and there is a lot of hate directed to certain types of people that were raised in white collared society. Then many of us are lazy and don't want to work hard anymore bc no one wants to marry a fucking whore. Like I'm sorry but if anyone asks why there is so much promiscuity and homosexuality it's bc no one wants to marry a slut. And even if the woman isn't a slut the man will end up thinking about it bc of how society is built now a days. There is a huge lack of morality amongst everyone. And a huge influx of having ego and making everyone feel superior. Like I never went to school hearing oh yeah I'm gonna open up a parking lot. I'm gonna go to work and then put a down payment on a parking lot. Then I'm gonna own that parking lot. Like that just doesn't happen. It is about having a job with a label and having to pay lots of money to do remedial work when in the old days the remedial work was never a course taken. It was a process one took while working under a company. Most people talk about going on welfare even the educated ones. There isn't a joy in doing now a days. Even the fashion doesn't have that gene as qua. Haven't you noticed all the baggy and sports clothing everyone wears. It's like everyone walks out in underwear and don't get how depressing it is to see that. In the old days woman wore dresses and men wore suits. There isn't pride in living and everyone wonders why so many people commit suicide. I love you bc you used to dress so fancy. Like when I saw you my eyes would light up even my friends that were rich were not as fancy.
Do you know why summer and melody were envious of me. It's only bc I was able to get the same health insurance I had growing up as a spoiled brat. That's why I wanted to live with you even if we had to be bums. I was sick of how my position in life made summer and melody so fucking crazy envious of me. THATS why melody threw me in the psych ward she wanted to use my health insurance to hurts me. Summer said really fucked up thinga when she found out I have health insurance. Like why don't they get the fuck off me and love me. Why are they not happy that I found a way to survive when supposedly I have Down syndrome. Don't they feel fucking sorry for me. It's not my fault they never listened to me and made bad divisions in life. They even envious of how much fruit juice I used to drink or the fucking coffee shops I get to eat at or the restaurants. Like I never knew how fucking hideous people are inside. I never knew it and if I did I never thought that my own people could turn against me. Like it's not cool.
The health insurance is the the worst thing I ever got as a present. It's what I thought I desired to have and I looked for it. But in the end it's the worst thing I ever got bc they use the doctors against me and don't let me use it the way I would have liked to have used it. I would have preferred to have been a bum or something middle class with you. Like a happy bum going to the general hospital on American fast poverty level entry to the hospital. They're really efficient and better doctors than the fucking health insurance everyone envies. Maybe they deemed me to be a Down syndrome but I always try to prove them wrong and then make fun of them all in the end bc of how truly dumb they are. I can't stand all the abuse I've endured when I should be able to live a tranquil life. Instead it's full of worry. That's the evil you never write about. Philosophers never write about the human condition and how much hate envy spite and all this shit happen. Or how to dislodge it.
Even my friend Cynthia hated me bc I have health insurance. She started brain washing me and mind fucking me so I would end up paranoid as crazy hell. Like she didn't have health insurance and it pissed her off that I did. Why are people like this. When I see something I don't have and want. I think about how I can get it and I start praying to god sometimes to help me. Like why did all these people come after me to hurt me. It has to be witchcraft. It's not normal to feel all that hate for someone you supposedly love
I've tried buying a mexicna servant and I can't find anyone Intresting. All the people I meet are witches and wizards. I can't find normal people and I'm sick of rude envious people too. There is so much work to do in my house and if melody hadn't fucked Sharon and turned her into a lesbian. I would have a Mexicans servant and best friend right now. She would still have virginity intact and I would have sold her off to a gringo husband. Eventually I would have been able to communicate better English with her. Instead melody abused Sharon my everything. And she ended up hating white peoole so much that she got pregnant with a black personality. I miss my mexicna servant. She was super pretty innocent and sweet. Melody spoiled her and she became super lazy. She didn't listen to me. Bc melody basically told her that I'm nothing.
Sharon is a witch and she doesn't tell me what she does. I could have turned her into a Christian woman. Supposedly she is Christian now but I don't know. She said she went to Santeria place and spent lots of money. I hate that she's not a virgin anymore the most. She acts viscous like summer. When woman get a big head out of their vaginas they act viscous and scary crazy
I'm scared of how much I used to fantasize about how I wanted to be a bum with you. Elizabeth my sister used to tell my dad that all I would ever amount to is being a bum. She said that it was advisable for me to stay away from the snow region bc I would end up dead. This was around the time
I went to visit her. She doesn't even know me one fucking bit. She basically is an Irish witch that wants me to end up homeless. I fucking hate witchcraft. She couldn't stop having great disdain for me when she found out how normla my life was. Bc I added her on Facebook. Like she envied me and likes talking down to me. She thinks I live off my mom and dad. And that they pay for everything I have. I hate her. My dad thought she was talking about how I am a sister a person and how I am
Insane. If I was truly insane I would have been a bum a long time ago. I always find work and do things. End up being with people. And I always have a place to sleep. I don't have to defend this. The truth is Elizabeth and Sarah my sisters are Irish witches that hate me bc my dad never divorced my mom. Like I'm sorry my mom is responsible and not an alcoholic crazy Irish witch. The spell is real people want nothing more than to see me homeless bc of how quaint my upbringing was.
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