Monday, January 31, 2011
Do Unto Others
Although the rule is called "golden", every time I hear it I hear it differently. It is easy to agree with something that is stated vaguely. You agree with whatever you would like to have heard.
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I just finished using strydex, out of the shower and even put some bactin on my infection. It's back someone wants me dead and is using a voodoo doll to get me sick. First I've had an ear infection for the past month and now the boil in my armpit. Pray so the person cursing me drops dead. I'm tired of them working against me. I'm still prevailing and going to school. I'm going to be a manicurist till I get my accountant degree. Like I don't care what plagues me this time around; I'm going to fight with tooth and nail till it gets accomplished.
Did I even state I miss you. I miss your big tall body above me and your endearing voice. Did I sayi can communicate with you in the spirit realm and that it drives me crazy. Maybe you will pray to God and ask him to rid me of this sort of communication bc I'm sick of hearing your voice. I want to see you in waking life. I'm tired of getting messages that turn out to be true in spirit. Like this needs to end. I need closure and I need it now or else I want a better picture to view on your end. The writing stopped and for a good reason bc it had be up to here and I was getting sick of it. I'm glad it ended. Maybe you will write some fiction and entertain me some more bc I love hearing you even if it's not in person. Like I miss you. I'm a little girl and you spoiled me with ice cream and it fell on my pretty dress. The Stain won't leave my dress. Like how do I go on when you spoiled me rotten with ice cream and my dress is now dirty. And I can't afford all those pretty dresses bc I'm going to school now. Like how does that work and I won't accept any dresses from anyone. Also I have many other ones but you stained my favorite one. You owe me a dress and maybe soon I will give up my end of the bargain were I stop eating like some royal pig. I'm walking more after school even though I get super tired. All day from 9-5. I had a dream last night. It was about you. I was in an elevator like lying down and your mom was in one next to me. It was metal elevator and cramped. Then you showed up and said you found me. Like what does the dream mean. I know I'm not gonna see you. I do t want to be a stalker and you won't talk to me. Like in both ends it suck. Even though in the spirit realm you keep saying you love me. What good is love if you won't come to me in person. Like pray for me kelly. What if it's a voodoo person hurting me. They could be doing that stuff I know ex witches and they don't like me. And they envied us. Like we made people envy. Like that's a fact. We were so cute. I miss lying on top of you like a pillow. Your a giant and I'm afraid I'll never get to meet a giant again.
Like write me or call me or something. I'm sure you have my old emails. Like write me. Also delete this after you read it. I changed my number. Also I don't like silence. And I don't like surprises. And I don't like all the chocolate ice cream you spoiled me with. My dress is all dirty. Hahahaim maried and I don't have kids. And my best friend won't talk to me and he likes dressing in womans clothing. I still remember the day you didn't let me laquer your nail or even put lip gloss on you and now your different. I don't know how to handle. I'm a bitch. I'm naive. I'm dumb. I'm insecure. I'm short and not tall. I'm working hard. My dumbness is not the same I remember things. Like I'm reading right now on my second book. I've finished two. One was by Chopin The Awakening I love her and this one is by Steinbeck. The long valley. I also read twilight part of one book. Her writing sucks and at las I even saw the movies. They sucked too. Yet I will say I'm acting bela like seeing you too much in spirit and in dreams like she saw Edward when they broke up. Pray for me pray for me. Pray for me. Pray for yourself and ask God to help us get rid of the voodoo doll maker of me and you. I want the curses off of us. Marilyn
Also I've changed my number and hopefully too my address. Like everything is getting out of the rug. This year has been treating me well and I'm not scaring myself silly at all. Like I actually can comprehend things and get along with people. And I'm enjoying not working as well. School is great. Blah blah blah. I wish I could just paste what I feel inside. It's like my heart floats off to you and I have to grab the pieces. Even though I will assure you I'm scared to see you after this long flat we have had. I miss you giant.
I meant I'm not married and I don't have kids and my best friend won't speak to me. I said hahahah bc I should be happy and I am. But I still miss you.
I hate my writing skills. I hate that I didn't write it out and then edit it and then even used a thesaurus like one would do for school. I just wrote out of emotion bc I'm selfish k. My heart hurt and I had to communicate the pain and the suffering of having to hear you speak to me. Like am I really skip phrenic or is this part of me being psychic like we were when we were always near each other. Like I'm scared. Why is it that you tell me you love me and I can hear you talk with other people about me. That happened like two nights ago or so. Pray for me bc something is wrong with me. I love that I penned my name out and left it. It's like a surprise to me. Most of the time I read things and I'm careful not to leave a mark on the paper but I did. Also I'm excited. I have 2 months and 3/4 of a month left of school. After that I can start to work in a salon. My friend at school and I might begin to work at a swap meet like an indoor one and rent a booth. If I move then I will try to get a job at a salon and then continue my education after work. I'm tired now but I hope I have a better dream tonight about you. I hope my wounds heal and lastly I hope you communicate back to me.
You told me in spirit to deactivate my Facebook so I did it friend. I did it. I did the impossible. You said the spell would break if I took down my Facebook bc there would be no more picture for them to use. I hope it works bc I'm sick of getting sick and guessing who the hell is fracking with me. Also it was on Facebook where I was tagged with a picture of boils. So I'm no longer on Facebook I listened to what you said and you also told me that I would be more in tune with my life once I got off. That I would be able to tell what is important and what isn't or whom is or isn't. You said the important people will call me. I'm gonna miss the little journal but the other part of me is happier without it. I'm tired of seeing people post pictures of me that I don't want and I don't like seeing my interest posted. Also lately I've been having someone hack into my account so it's better I get off of Facebook. I originally joined it to get a hold of friends that lived out of state but since those friendships are cut what use is Facebook for. I have texting. I hope my boils leave my fracking armpit alone bc I'm sick of getting sick. They've been swelling and it's hard to move my arm around. Pray for me. I hope I find a new found love of not being a zombie on Facebook. You saved my life. Even if it is in spirit.
It's hard for me to let you know but I needed to write to you. Also today I had a nightmare it was a demon that wouldn't let me Move. Then I said in Jesus name let me go. Eventually I got to move again and I woke up. Then you told me to get off of Facebook.
Also I had a dream about you last night but I don't know what it was about. To be safe I'm taking down pictures of myself on other profiles and I'm not gonna be posting anything anymore. If anything. I will keep taking pictures and writing but I'm no longer gonna leave them for others to read. I don't want my image out there especially if I'm so weak that they can still be putting a boil spell on me or a spell for me to get sick. I'm tired of being psychic ly attacked. I don't want my energy being taken. Oh and I forgot I screamed to Jesus to fix my chakras while the demon wouldn't let me go. I couldn't see him. I just felt electrocuted and he wouldn't get off of me. But I was able to move again. I don't even practice chakra stuff-I do know about it. And I have gems etc but I don't do it. It just seems silly to me. All witchcraft does. That's why I guess I screamed to Jesus to do it for me.
I feel better now that Facebook is off. Like my heart feels care free. It doesn't feel like the movie won't turn off. It was way too much pressure on me and too many invites. I have school. I don't have time for fun and games. The pressure is off my heart. You said you were gonna help me break the spell. I hope you do somehow like I don't know what they did to our relationship but you don't leave my side. You help me when things go wrong and help me get out of trouble. Your like my super hero or something. At least that stuck and there wasn't a bad dent to my soul. Like I'm gonna start applying ice or a hearing pad. I'm gonna keep meditating till this boil get the frack off my arm. It's on my stronger arm like this needs to end. Some day whoever is hurting me is gonna get it back. I think it's the girl who posted the boil cartoon. Like she needs to stop attacking me. And stop envying my life. I hope we both get protection she likes horro movies and watching fucked up things and wishing bad on others and doing spells. I want the spell she did of us both to end. I dot. Even know how your are. But it all has to go away. In Jesus name I pray.
Today I picked up Martin Eden by jack London. It's like 100 year old book. So far the phrase worked like a nigger was rose and also something about a Mexican almost biting off a mans nose. Despite this vulgar language the books vocabulary has me intrigued. His writing style is very articulate and expressive, but I swear like 16 chapters of describing his love of a woman is too much to bare. It's an interesting and captivating story but I'm a little tired of his rhetoric. And also the guys is supposedly a sailor yet we never get to hear any of his stories. Like really all I know is that the narrator keeps talking so lowly of the man that is in love with the woman. And the woman is so boring. I read a little to the back and I think the character starts reading Nietzsche. Where I am at the book so far the guys is reading Darwin and evolution. I read practically half the book in my spare time in class. Also I've been listening to this song below. I love this mans voice but it's way too much bc he always has to wear Gucci in all his videos. Maybe your dead or maybe dead to me. Or maybe alive online but not so alive bc your writings on not online. Either way I invite you to pick of a copy of jack London, Martin Eden. I'm sure you can find it free on project guttenberg. It's a funny book. Also here is the song.
"10,000 Emerald Pools"
I'll dive in deeper, deeper for you
Down to the bottom, 10,000 emerald pools
Down to the bottom, 10,000 emerald pools
Under water
Time is standing still
You're the treasure
Dive down deeper
Still, all I need is you
You're all I need to breathe
All I need is you!
I'll make a living, trying to get away
10,000 fathoms, under a tidal wave
It can never pull me away
No way!
Under water
Time is standing still
You're the treasure
Dive down deeper
Still, all I need is you
You're all I need to breathe
All I need is you!
You're all I need to breathe
Down to the bottom, 10,000 emerald pools
You're all I need to breathe
I'll dive in deeper, deeper for you
You're all I need to breathe
All I need is you!
All I need is you!
It can never pull me away
Time is standing still
Dive down deeper
Still, all I need is you
You're all I need to breathe
All I need is you!
I claimed this page. I guess. Sorry for my ghetto version of jack london's novel. Hehehehe lol.
Thanks to you I now have his complete works online. Meaning thanks for showing me Project G. All of jack London's works are online. He's actually entertaining and easy to read through. His disciptives are very beautiful and also can be bare as hell, I love the contrast he brings to a tale. And I must say this love story is way more entertaining than twilight. Way better.
Also today I picked up the bible and looked up Jacob in the bible. You told me in spirit to look it up. So I did. Jacob offered a rock to God and put oil on it. He said that it was god house and that whatever he made he would give him a portion and asked for blessings in return. So I'm gonna offer up my heart rock collection to God to get blessings. It also said that he had a dream about a stairway to heaven and he saw angel walking all up and down it. It's comforting to know that there are that many angels that there is a big stairway all the way to heaven. I'm glad I finally know what to do with my rock collection. I found it interesting that Jacob lied to his father in one of the stories but then later God said he was better than his brother bc he didn't worship idols. It's weird. I don't really pick up the bible anymore. I've just set my eyes on reading bc my language skills have been on a downward slop. I took an entrance exsam to a program. And I failed the English but passed all the advanced math. Weird isn't it. Math is usually my sore spot. I guess things change after some time. Hopefully I can be like the fool in the story and improve my grammar and especially my vocabulary. It's been too long that I haven't been a book worm.
I'm glad I got over this hump of not writing you. Maybe months from now I will regret it or even weeks but none the less it's done. And I've written. I also picked up psalms. And read a part where it said God would look after me forevermore. Sometimes I read and I'm apart. Like how will he be my refuge but then I realize life isn't that bad for me. So he must be looking after me.
I decided to just skim over the rest today. I got a little bored with the book. Basically they get engaged. Then they break it off. Then she tried to get back with him when he works start getting published but he gets over her and says he won't marry her. I hope his other books are more entertaining than this one.
Also I was gonna say the English portion I didn't pass was very confusing. There were too many blanks and having to guess where words would go but even that is not a great explanation. Either way I didn't loose anything bc nail technicians make as much as that other profession I was gonna get into when the tips are added up.
I know what you said and I know why you said we could not be friends bc you wanted me to be happy. You didn't want to risk is breaking up again. I know you said we couldn't be friends bc it would end up being more than that knowing our history. I know you must be a totally different person now. I know nothing. I don't even know why I'm curious to know how you are doing. I don't even know how it is that time has passed so fast with no great upheavals in my life but it has past. And so to did all your words. And so you said respect silence. And I did. I respected your silence. It's hard to understand who I am or what I am. Or why I am the way I am. I'm like this gum that can't stop getting stuck to things. Like you. I miss our friendship. It was respectable and merry. We laughed and had great moments. Of those moments horribly to say that I can remember them. Wish they could just leave like the rain pours down but they are there.
I don't even know what I find inteiguing. I guess maybe I love the attention you pay me when we are in communication. I miss that. Then I ask why is yours different than some else's. I don't know. Your a strange one and I like your strangeness.
For me I just want a healthy life. I want to run every day and enjoy reading. I want to make money to buy the things I will want. I want to smile. I want to be infected with the rush of my blood pumping. You used to do that to me. I don't know why but you would. So I have to replace it with running.
I just want my heart to beat fast and merry. I miss my heart pumping blood and getting flushed to the face. Like I'm not a bored person but you always give me like this breath of life I don't get anywhere. It's weird. Also I wish we were not that close before. Maybe you wouldn't be my inner voice. Like it's strange how you don't leave me.
Intriguing.
Also the English part I failed was like a state program. To be honest I've never seen a test on a computer written so badly. And to be more honest it felt like some foreigner wrote the test up and didn't know what they were doing. Or maybe when they were translating it to the computer maybe they got things mixed up. Either way I was not impressed by the test and in the end I think I'll be happier as a nail person for the next few years while I put myself through school. It's really relaxing and easy work and it pays wells. The B of labor statistics has it all wrong bc I've been asking nail technicians about salary. And the numbers are not great but not bad at all either. Also I think my knowing several languages will give me the upper hand at getting a job. It's weird bc I remember trying to do nails long before this time and destroying a brush. I can do it now with ease and I get pleasure knowing I know a trade that can be practically applied to everyday life. Like its a booming business. All my friends want me to open up a salon but I don't think I could be happy that way. I want a job with a desk and with pictures of my kids on it. And with a mug. And I want a computer in front of me. But all of This takes time.
I went to a party today and the most awkward thing happened. A white woman came and told the woman who had the party. I got you a gift and then she pulled out as she called is kkk Donald trump hoods. There was a cluster of white and non white Hispanics next to them. So all the people just lazily moved away. The woman said thanks and she's kind out loud and flirtatious. Always smiling. Then she started passing out k k k hoods this isn't even a joke. I was watching from the couch and I didn't say anything but I felt strange. It was weird when the orhers moved away they kinda looked sad. I was alarmed. The news said that a few days ago some prankster put those hoods inside of a Donald trump shop in the trump tower. They didn't even open the hoods. But really this isn't what I expected. I'm just glad I wasn't near them when that happened. I don't know what I would have done. They were all happy and smiling. Like really I'm tired of this white trash people that never leave their home city. I can't stop laughing but at the same time. I'm like what kind of party was this. Was it your invited to the k k k party. They gave me a bunch of fancy bread and champagne. Popcorn. And they even saved me a cupcake. Wow. Like this is too funny. By the way it was a birthday party but really I think it was a k k k party. I kinda wish they would have opened the hoods and put them on. Lol.
Oh the white lady who got the gifts from another white lady is married to this Hispanic guy. He was there. Really I don't know what life is about but I never in my life thought I would be invited to this party. Like really since I moved to OC I've been dreading the day I get to meet one of these people. Like my light Italian olive skin is just not k k k color. I survived but seriously I don't know what to think but at least they don't hate me. Like she gave me the most expensive bread that was shaped into a dog.
It was the dogs birthday party.
One of the woman looked crossed eyed when this happened and she looked like she was about to faint. I think there was only a packet of six of those head capes and they were passed out to the nearest people next to her. I don't even know how this happened or how I even got there or how I was drinking champagne with hood member. It's kinda scary. I wasn't scared when I was there bc I was super tired from work so it felt like I was watching a movie. What if those little rolled up capes had another invitation to another party. I don't know. It looked like an official hood member stuff. It wasn't like something you buy at 7 eleven as a prank or Spencer's. It was actual stuff. Like really if I was standing next to those people. Was I supposed to say me. Me. Me next I want a cape. Oh like thank you for the cape. Or like smile or be like the other woman almost fainting. It was weird bc as soon as she pulled them out every one that was clustered there like ran away far but not to far. I'm surprised I could see everything bc I was very far. It was a very fancy party. I must say she threw a good party. I'll give them that but I don't think I'm really ever gonna be the same after this. It's way to weird and I don't know how to feel.
My sister doesn't believe me. I'm getting really annoyed. The news said they had reunions like last Saturday that were scheduled. It really annoys me that my sister doesn't believe me. I was told the dog host lady is not a trump supporter. So I'm assuming she is not part of the party must that lady must be that brought those rolled up things. It was as small as a dog roll of dog poop bags and it was white. Like I know I was tired yesterday but I'm not obsessed with that party. So like what else could it be. It saddens me to think that my sister won't believe me. She started asking me if I was taking care of myself. I am. And really better than any time ever. It's not my fault she is so sheltered that she thinks this is not at all possible but I know there are many trump followers in my neighborhood. So yeah it happened. If she doesn't believe me oh well. Next time in taking pictures. I don't like being told I'm seeing things or misinterpreting things.
What you said: she hasn't gotten over me. I want her to get over me. I need her to get over me so she can move on and do something important in her life. I want her to get over me. She doesn't know anything about me. She doesn't know what I am. Who I am. Where I've been. How I've been. I love her but she needs to get over me. I don't want to hear anything about her life.
This is just part of it. Me I want to be able to rest and not hear you. I want my ears to close up and not hear you. You always go back and forth on what you say. Like you can't make up your mind. And it's true to what you have made apparent in the times we have communicated. I'm meditating and it's hard to stop this connection. It's really loud your voice. And it's hard to not listen to you. I want my peace back where I have a day free of hearing your voice. I'm scared and honestly I've been seeing a doctor but I don't think it helps. Likes chakra healing doesn't work either. I don't know what has happened that I can hear you so well now. Like normally we break up around September. Like when is my body and soul gonna leave you. I want my peace. I'm a sick person or else you have been thinking about me. But it needs to end bc we ended our friendship a long time ago. I need my peace of mind. I try to be silent and not talk back to you inside my head. Some times I do but I try to stay silent. I need my freedom and happiness. I'm a very sick person or else out communication never ended. I kinda hate how we communicated in silence when we were friends. It's not healthy for me now.
Marilyn is the most beautiful person in the world. She deserves everything God has to offer. I want marilyn to be free I want her to be happy. I want her to be free from doctors and psychologist. I want her to get back with kelly burner not C P. I want her to be free from chain smoking. I want her free from anything that could harm her. I want her free from anger and emotional turmoil. I want her to see the sun and be joyous. I want her to live a life that is free I want her to be happy with everything she has. I want her to be able to see other people the way I see them without having any problems or anything or sexual harassment. I don't want her to be sad. Or alone. Or despondent. I don't want her alone in the world. I want her to be happier than her whole damn family. I want her to be free
Marilyn's trying to find out why she hears me. It's bc we were together so long. She can hear me speak to her and I can't stop talking about how I want her to be happy with her decision to break up with me. It's her fault not mine. It's over bc she wanted it over.
If your not talking to me. Maybe I'm missing vitamins and nutrients. But this is what is happening. I even went for a walk to clear my head and it helped, but as soon as I'm in the quiet I can hear you.
Marilyn is adorning herself with my voice. She is heading for a bad direction I don't know how to stop her from what she does. This is so bad. I want it to end for her but at the same time I can't help but laugh. She is still missing me. Why else could she hear me. Marilyn is in love with me. She has to get a grip of her reality and realize that we don't speak to each other anymore. That's how connected we are. We don't need a phone or anything. She can just pick up the ability to hear me speak to her. It's so funny.
I can even hear you over the music. Laugh all you want at me. But this is a problem. Imagine you were dead. Imagine this never ends. I don't get why you won't stop talking about me. Maybe you need to meditate to not talk to me. Like if you won't speak to me then it's not ok to tell me I inspire you to write. It's not ok to my talk to me but then send me messages with our sixth sense. If there is no sixth sense then I'm going through something I can't explain. Some kind of emotional turmoil or some kind of break. I need healing or more vitamins. If you are talking to me than explain to me all your writings bc I don't understand them. And forgive me my trespasses. Don't torment me anymore.
Recently I've made like three new friends and I should be happy. But like I recently lost a friend too bc she got mad bc I wouldn't invite her to my birthday party. I didn't bc she doesn't like a girl. Also I'm a little happy that she is not my friend anymore bc she kinda stresses me out, but it sucks bc she was like one of my last hs friends. Then recently I got into a fight with one of my best friends that I told you before I don't like. She made an off comment to me bc I was seeing a psychologist. My sister told her without my consent. So I stopped talking to her. Today I missed her but the reality of it she is a can of worms. And she makes me feel uncomfortable. She looks great but she can be a bitch so I'm not gonna go look for her. I just miss her younger self before the time she did drugs and before boyfriends. Like I missed our childhood. But part of me feels like I shouldn't be losing friends so I'm almost screaming to go look for her. It's a strange feeling. Also I'm not happy in making new friends. Like it doesn't feel the same like it did when I was a kid. I miss meeting people that felt like family. I want to get out of the realm of missing people. It's not a good realm to be in. Like today I kept thinking about someone family members girlfriend I used to get along with. Like I miss her. Also I hate being at school. It likes takes all my energy out or else it's all the jade the woman wear. I sleep and it seems like I didn't sleep. Wish I could sleep for a whole week or so. I write bc I pretend your like a religious leader or something. I'm weird like this. I don't see you as what you are but rather see you as a religious leader I go to for help. Or some Buddhist monk that holds silence and somehow gives me advice. . What I miss about the old friend I mentioned to begin with is her overactive personality it jumps and jumps and reaches heights I cannot alone. I'm a little boring and sometimes of a worry wart if I'm not around the right people. So yeah I miss what she does to my personality. I'm more energetic and fun to be around with. But I'm not going back. She also gets lazy around me. Like she thinks bc I've been her longest friend ill tolerate anything. This time I'm out for good and I'm not going back. Like she needs to learn that my silence doesn't come often but when it does it's real silence. Also I had a dream about you two nights ago. You were dressed with a flower that was glittery and looked handsome. We went out dancing and had lots of fun. I was thin in the dream and we both looked amazing.
Im mad at my friend bc she wasn't understanding and putting a negative light on me seeing a doctor. I used to see things this way. But honestly my doctor has been helping me get to point b from a. Like it took many types of medicines to go through but I finally found one that helps me and has no side effects that I notice. Like some made me see visions. Others made me really dumb. Some made me too hyper. Some made me sad. And the worst some made my head feel like it was cracking. This is when I kept dreaming of you and you kept helping me. Telling me I was not gonna die. I don't know what I would do without my medicine bc it works. And honestly I found it by accident bc my doctor didn't like how fat I got from the last one. So yeah if my friend can't accept me for who I am or want to do with my life she can go dig a grave. Especially since I was there for her when she was a very addicted to street drugs. Like not very cool.
Also like this pill I'm taking improved my long term and short term memory. Within the first week I recollected so much information that was indispensable.
1 month and three weeks and school will finally be over. I'm too excited. Also I forgot to tell you. In the dream you dressed like a woman and I swear you looked so hot. I was so attracted to you and not disgusted with the fancy high end clothing you wore. You looked like a haute couture model. I looked super hot too bc I was skinny. I just remeber dancing to like salsa or soemthing. And we kissed. The dream was super fun and the most fun I've had in a long time. I don't go out to goth clubs anymore. I stay at home and try to be studious. I have to tell you that I even found a way to hush your voice. I started wearing a stone I normally don't wear and I was able to get my silence back and control what and what I don't want to hear. And my arm is nearly healed.
I had a dream that I went out with a blonde man and that he gave me a kiss on the lips. When I woke up. I was surprised bc I didn't recognize this person. Then it occurred to me that it was my ex neighbor slash friend. So I went on Facebook and saw his profile and then saw his mom's. At this point I found out breaking news. He had not moved but he is in fact dead. He was a surfer and seemed to be a happy man. So I asked my neighbor about it and he said yes he shot himself to death in his apartment. I thought he just didn't want to go to my birthday party bc he never wrote back. It wasn't true he died. It's weird bc before I left my apartment for a month I kept dreaming that the grim reaper was after us both. He said he wouldn't let the grim reaper get me. He held him out of my site. I never told him about the dreams but I found out that he died. The grim reaper took him. I'm so sad. He was so young. He was only 24 years old. Maybe if I stayed he would still be alive. I should have stayed and not left to my parents house. I never had to deal with death like this. It's really heart breaking bc he was the nicest person, smart and handsome. I even think he had a crush on me. His dad died a year ago so I think when Father's Day came around he got super sad and decided to die. He had looks. Money. And even a job as a broker. It's so sad.
It's so creepy. Believe me or not. But one day I went to the beach to ride my bike before I knew he was dead. I stopped and I saw my neighbor walking passed me and then under the bridge by the sea. He looked mad. I didn't say hi bc I thought he didn't want to talk to me since he never said if he was gonna go to my birthday party. And it couldn't be him bc he was dead unless I can see dead people and he follows me. Also one day in my apartment the string to one of my instruments made a noise like if it were struck. And it was encased. I was so creeped out. Also I haven't been able to sleep well here for some reason. I found out yesterday that he killed himself. So I'm haunted. I will never forget his beautiful smile or his beutifiul blue eyes. He's the one that convinced me to buy a car.
What's worse is that I feel like a bad person bc I never went to visit him at work even though he asked me to. He even opened up to me about his dad passing. We would hang out every other night. And even when I had the dream about the grim reaper chasing us. I never did anything to tell him about it. I bet when I had the dream he probably already had the gun and was fighting with himself to not kill himself. It's so sad.
It's not the only time I've dreamed about the grim reaper. Once I dreamed about it only he wasn't after me. And when I woke up I found out that one of my friendships online husband died. Like I don't know why the grim reaper shows up but it is seriously creepy. So creepy I had to move back with my parents for a month. Then when I come back I find the guy missing. And two months later find out he killed himself. Life is too beautiful to let it pass by. Like I don't understand how people commit sucide. It just doesn't compute in my mind. I know heart ache is tough but there are so many things to do on earth. Another part of me is glad I didn't stay bc what if the grim reaper killed me. Or I ended up dead here if I didn't leave the apartment. I don't think your dead. I think your just mad at me or don't care enough to write. If you were dead I'm sure the grim reaper would warn me about it. Before you transitioned I had a dream that marilyn Manson warned me about it. He said you were gonna transition and to go look for you before horrid things happened.
I finally decided to stop talking to a friend. She scares me. She said she could talk to the devil. And she get really envious and jealous over my life. Even though she got a bachelors last year and she's fit. She is South American. Those South American Catholics practice a lot of witch craft. I told her once about this guy who had the crush on me. Also I told her about the friendship I made online. Like what if she is the reason so many deaths have been happening and separations from friendships. Like I'm cutting her out. She says she's a witch. And she is from El Salvador. Like they practice black magic. I'm not talking to her anymore. I bet she keeps doing separation spells and death spell. Bc my aunt died and then even my cousins father died. Like I have a feeling she used me for love spells. I can't say everything that would amount to any rational thinking but I seriously know that woman is evil. She took my expensive eye glasses made of gold and my expensive flower doc shoes. Like I'm sick of witchcraft and witches. I want all there demons out of my life. I'm practicing to be strong so that I don't get sick and weak minded or sad. Like I'm conquering my fears. She knew about us back when we were together many years ago. She could be the bitch making my life difficult. I've known her since freshman year in hs.
In her house she has many alters with like voodoo dolls. And many types of witchcraft plants. And she always wear tailismans.
I found out his parents were Mormons. He said he was Christian. He never said he came from a Mormon family. It's weird bc before he died I had a dream that there were Mormons outside killing a big snake that stayed in the trees. And the Mormons kept coming over trying to kill it and they were telling me to go to church. One of the Mormons was a person I didn't like. I also kept dreaming that you would drive around and I would try to catch you but I couldn't. You would drive around to fast. I'm still very sad about that guys passing. I cried again today.
I looked at my journal around the time he died And prior to his death. I wrote some really weird things. I was being stirred and psychically attacked. I kept writing about the things I felt that were attacking me. I wasn't acting normal. So the dream about him protecting me from the grim reaper is real. Like I don't know how the hell I got out of that whole place ok. I'm just glad I'm not being spiritually attacked or psychically attacked. And supposedly I'm still breathing and alive. I'm too glad to be alive. After witnessing his death I can surely say I appreciate my life so much more now. Like I can't say anything negative. I just want to live a long life and forget what he did. It's hard for me to handle it but I'm going and doing. Maybe he will be my guardian angel and protect me still. I want to quit smoking again bc I'm tired of feeling restrained by it. And I want to be thin again. Being thin really makes me happy bc it's easier to get around and do things. This letter is super long so I will stop. Pray for me to get thin and to quit smoking cigarettes. Please. My arm sore is gone and I asked you to pray last time.
I wish you would write back to me and not be mean. I wish you would be my friend and write me back and be a little understanding. I can't but help be a fan of you no matter what you do. Maybe it's that your the first such such ethnicity man I've ever met. Maybe it just how quirky you really are and how sweet you can be when your a good mood and not in bad terms with me. Here. I did it. I broke the the spell of communication bc I'm communicating with you. Now you need to break the curse of not communicating to me. Tomorrow is my grandmother's birthday. I miss her. My body aches, and I'm tired of going to class and not getting paid for doing nails. I only enjoy the one day out of the week when I get paid to go to school. I'm excited and a little disappointed about my choice in life to do this, but it's something and not nothing. I can grow and become better in the future. I checked the obituaries to see if you were listed and you were not listed. I'm relieved in one sense and in another it saddens me that you haven't talked to me. Normally you call me when there is a life transition or something bothers you. It's making me smile seeing all these messages I'm sending. I feel like a little trouble maker. It almost feels like prank calling. I miss the magic you spread over the vista and how you make everything more interesting or pretty. Frankly I'm tired of going to school everyday. It amazes me that my job is listed as such a low paying job and then to think how long we have to go to school. Yet I know they're not including the tips. And normally I get 5 dollars per customer for tip. So it's not bad at all. Boo boo boo. Halloween is almost here and I'm a little excited. I love the pumpkin spice lattes and the cold weather. And the rain. And dressing up for Halloween. I stopped counting how long it's been since we've spoken but I'm sure it's way too long. I'm starting to believe that I am not being appropriate and that this eventually has to die. Then there is the part of me that just wants to call you crazy like always and know that you will come around eventually. I pray it's true. I can hope can't I.
Also I want to say I'm not just any girl from the street that you met or were dating. I'm like your first serious gf and was your best friend. Like don't forget how loyal and sweet I am. Forgive all the craziness and talk to me.
I went to pannera bread to today and got pick two. I don't know why but I was so hungry today. Like I had Starbucks in the morning. Then I ate like two small entrees for dinner. I feel like such a little pig. What I wanted to say is that the pick two is like some snack size. I don't know why but it's not really filling.
Part of me is scared that part of you is with me and not with you. It almost feels like we got cut up in half and are not our selves. After you left I just keep getting sick and you keep getting great life changes one would never expect. So I wonder is part of you really with me or is it a mental picture I drew for myself so I wouldn't like commit suicide after I broke up with you. Or like are you really with me and we did horrid things to each other. I don't really know anything anymore. I just know I want to go on a vacation really bad. I want a Louie Vuitton for a month and then get rid of it. Just to be like all those crazy Asian woman in my class wearing Louis Vuitton and fake Cartier jewlery. They're so funny and fake. I can't stand them. I want to blow my brains out every time they come around with their fairness. They're always smiling even when they want to stab you in the back. I can't take all the English that isn't being spoken around me. Also forgive my writing, especially how I go off topic and go back on again.
I want you to know that it really doesn't hurt anymore that we don't talk. I'm more curious as to how you're doing.
Something happened. I wrote and maybe it's not what it was supposed to be or what it should have sounded like but I like writing to you. It put me in a good mood. I like remembering you and basking in our energy. It helps me breath when all oxygen is missing from my space.
I want to make you proud and I don't know how to do it. I just remember you telling me once not to care what others think and that whatever I did would be perfect so long as I was happy. Well I'm doing my best to be happy. And if you're not proud well then I'm gonna quote you here. I don't care. I'm just happy I'm not like this Asian lady that shows up everyday. She dresses up fancy and just starts staring into the glass window. And then she starts talking to herself. I heard her husband died and that she does this everyday. It really is sad. Maybe in a way I am her since I keep staring into this blog and talking hoping for a response. And I only have an echo of my voice.
Fakeness not fairness.
It's so funny. The pretty Asian lady has a fake LV purse and she says she got it in Paris. Which she did go to Paris. I saw the pictures but she is so holding a fake purse. It's funny how she flaunts it around the other older woman. I laugh to myself. Frankly it's a little embarrassing how she lies. Then an older Asian lady brought a real one and doesn't talk about it. It's funny but it put the cherry on top. Bc I'm sick of her. She is so fake and about making sure she looks rich. She even flaunts a fake Rolex. It's funny bc all her jewlery is made of stainless steel or some cheap metal. Maybe you don't care but I had to tell you. It's annoying.
This is what I wanted to say. I thought by now I'd be with a degree. I'm not. I got sick way too many times. Like maybe the absence of the people that were with me was vital to my health and even in moving away from my parents. Too many friends envied me and I lost them. So I grew even sicker. Now I have several friends with new bachelors and masters. Well frankly I feel like a dim wit. But I don't care. I'm going to be doing things that make me happy and eventually I'll get there to finishing school. Also I've learned to hurtle over illnesses. I don't let the illness consume me anymore. So hopefully soon I'll be able to get back to where I want to be. I want the damn state board past. I want half a week of work and the other half free. I want to rollerblade everyday and be fit and pretty. I want to finish my degree. Also I want to break all spells. Like I won't let nothing touch me anymore. Also I want you to have part of yourself back if it means you will return to being whole and strong again like I normally know you to be. Your like the toughest guy I know. You probably don't even know what I mean but try while you meditate to eat back what you lost in me. Don't leave me completely without you but get that part back. Also take away whatever negative thing you see in me that is hurting me. So I can get spiritually cleansed.
I asked another neighbor about it. He told me he got a golden gun custom made. So he told him he wouldn't hang out with him anymore. He stopped talking to him for a week and then later he found a police officer at his apartment and found out he was dead. He said he was a trust fund baby and that he didn't need to work. Then he said he was a week away from inheriting millions. He sounded a little jealous. Also he said the door and windows were open and that the guy that killed himself was left in a suit. It's weird bc he made it sound like he saw it himself. Like what if this guy killed him out of jealousy. Like I don't even know why that guy would kill himself.
I'm so weirded out by this. Bc before I moved here I dreamed about him, that he was gonna kill me. Then I met him and had the dream about the grim reaper. Like he seemed like a ghost to me and sometimes I was scared him. Like I kept thinking he reminded me of Charles Manson the weeks before he killed himself. And I also had dreams that Charles Manson was outside our apartments. Like the dreams wouldn't stop. I don't like this guy he scares me too and that guy was so young and would talk to much. He was a nice white boy and this guy is a weird gangster Indian man. Like he looks super shady. I bet someone killed him out of pure jealousy.
Also he would drink every night but what young person doesn't drink every night. Or what if he's a crazy Christian and thought he wouldn't go to heaven if he inherited all that money. This whole story is super gross.
Frankly I'm heart broken to hear this story. I thought there would be happy beginnings and a growing relashionship. Instead there are too many sad stories going on. Satan has so many souls taken away. Like he was a happy little rich kid and his life was taken away like that in a split secound. I'm still wondering why I dreamed about him and then looked. Like by the time I had tha last dream I wouldn't think about him ever. And then to think I saw him at the beach. It's pretty weird stuff and scary. How much I wish how that young kid didn't move out on his own and just moved with his mom and attended church. Instead he probably left his conservative Mormon life and started drinking and smoking. It's too sad. He was so cute and handsome too. Like he was the kinda of guy that would make you smile with his charm and looks.
There is definelty a ghost around me. I was by a fire pit and the fire pit turned on by it self. Like you have to turn a key around for it to be on. It was put on for like 5 minutes. So it wasn't pushed all the way around. I sat there and then the fire was turned on. My neighbor hasn't left my side. Also a letter was moved outside that was tucked away in a box. Pretty weird stuff is happening.
Today I didn't have cigarettes. Im doing deep breathing exercises to relax. Then later tonight I will be doing abdominal crunches. I gonna keep doing these till the result is achieved. I kinda feel trapped in hell right now. There are so many Vietnamese around me and I don't understand a thing that is being said. And I'm so freaking fat. I looked up today the amount of calories I need to eat to keep my weight and it's a lot. I thought I was eating too much but I'm not it's just more when compared to my previous weight. Maybe I mean nothing to you but I do miss you. I don't even know why I'm messaging. Maybe I'm scared your depressed or something and I want you to know that I care. I hope your happy and you push through whatever is happening. I'm in such a bad mood today. First I hate my wavy hair. 2 I hate my dry hands. 3 I hate detoxing off of cigarettes. 4 I hate knowing how much I need to eat. 5 I wish I was a twig. 6 I can't wait till I find relief from whatever I'm going through. 6 I'm addicted to writing to you. 7 I've been detesting things and people. Especially eating. 8 my friend was gonna give me Disneyland tickets and then didn't. Made the start of this week even worse. 9 oddly enough I've been feeling the way I did when I was in middle school. Like not able to control things and feeling the uncomfortable feeling of knowing I'm a girl. Like it isn't ignorable. Like thinking way too much to myself. Thinking of things that make me feel uncomfortable. Like walking down the street with a purse and hating it bc it's womanly.not now but when I was young. Like I feel that way lately. I think it's bc I'm fat. Like I know I stick out like a sore thumb and I don't have those big boobs or big butt like black girls to cover it up. I feel uncomfortable in my own skin. I want school to be over with. I feel awkward. And I've been to hot. Which I'm sure it is bc I'm so fat. I weight probably about 250. I wish I had a friend like you bc you manage to always make everything feel better or help me observe other things. I think these writings are selfish on my behalf. And I also kinda hate that you don't delete any of my rants to you. I know why I feel uncomfortable. When I was little my mom would make me cotton shorts. And I hated them and wearing them. I'm wearing this snug cotton stretch dress and it make me feel like I did when I was younger. Wearing uncorks leggings clothes. I wish I had more workout clothing. I really like wearing that. I hate dresses and pants. I like stretch workout pants and hoodie sweaters. I can't wait to finish school and go to work. Then I will have so many things to do and buy. One of the first things I want to buy is a vacation. Like to Hawaii or something where all the black sand is. I lie there and make a sand angel.
To be honest I don't even know how normal people function without cigarettes. I'm scared. Can I really quit for good. I want to be at peace and know I'm not missing anything out. When I don't have a cigarette it feel like I'm missing out on a big party and someone is holding me from having fun. Like it feel really miserable not to smoke. It feel like I lost the cool sticker on my forehead or soemthing. It feels like will I even be able to think after the cigarette is gone. I love being sedated by it. Pray for me. Please pray for my recovery. Maybe soon I'll be pretty again like I was when I didn't smoke. I know cigarettes ruined my skin. It's pimply and greasy. It's the fucking cigarettes.
I feel like a man bc all my fat goes to my belly. Like it's really horrible. I'm not like those fat girls that get a bigger butt or boobs. I don't know what I'm going to do with my extra free time of not smoking. I've been playing Tetris and breathing deeply. I'm so ashamed of myself. Like I can't believe I've spent all that money on cigarettes and all that money on food. I'm like a glutton or soemthing. It needs to end. I added one of my best friends recently. She's really thin and pretty. She gave me motivation to quit smoking today and have better eating habits. I need cleansing and a new wardrobe. I need new everything. I m gonna get rid of this fucking fat on my stomach. It's gross. I don't feel womanly bc of it. I feel like one of those fat ugly men. I seriously don't know how men find me attractive. Like always get hots guys with light eyes flirting with me.
I got birthday money. Like a lot and I spent it all on extra food and extra cigarettes and I gained so much weight since I've started school. It's super gross. I hate myself soooo much. This is gonna end. I'm gonna be super strict with myself.
I love all the fresh oxygen I'm getting. I also seem to sweat more I can breath and I can taste all the horrid taste coming out into my mouth. Like I'm gonna be free of a monster pretty soon. I will be free soon. I can't wait to experiment with my mood. I'll probably be so happy. I'm gonna go to the pool and float around.
Smoking has made my skin sticky gross. And not smooth. I miss my non smoker skin. It feels weird but I know I have to relax and try to be productive. I want to just lay about all depressed and say that bc I have not cigarettes my mood is bad. I know that isn't so bc not smoking should make me stronger and more able bodied. I should be more relaxed and more cognizant of what's going on. I'm sick of saying to myself that smoking is like eating a steak and that I'm skinny bc I smoke and don't eat a steak. Ewww. I want all the tar out of my body and arms and wrists and eyes. I want to see better. Feel cleaner. Hear better. Smell better. Fuck better. Love better. Live better. Save so much money. Cigarettes cost 10 freaking dollars a box. It's crazy. I want to enjoy eating carrots and ranch. Celery and ranch. Apples. Oranges bananas. Like instead of saying I'm going out for a cigarette I want to be like I'm going out for a fruit snack and then after smile bc the fruit smells so invigorating. Then breath deeply and more alert bc of the vitamin shock. I want to spend hours shopping and looking at things. I don't want to stop for cigarette breaks or wonder if the store clerk will mind my cigarette smoke. I want to be sure I won't have cancer and live a long life. I want to make everyone proud of me around me. I want all my vitamins and minerals back in my skin. I want to breath and cry. I don't want to stop my crying and smoke. I want the tears to roll down my face and hold a napkin to my eye not a cigarette to my mouth. I want lungs strong as a horse so I can run and breath and smile. I want my life back from this drug addiction. Pray for me so that the smoke demon that came from Nikky never comes back to haunt me.
My skin is numb. I can't wait till I get sensation back into my skin. Smoking makes me numb all over my body. I hate not smoking in another respect. It feels weird to be here and missing that nicotine in my blood. But I'm gonna get over this and I'm gonna quit. I want younger more beautiful skin. I want to be more sensitive and more awake. Also I feel a little dirty for writing to you especially about my baggage. I can't help it though. It's done. It just feels really dirty. Hopefully I'll find a happy medium in my writing or else time will help me feel better about it. I feel weak like I'm gonna just give up and run to the store for a pack of cigarettes. I need this break and I need not to break this. It has to be done. I have to be tough and get through tomorrow and the whole week. I could have money for Hawaii in a month if I just quit smoking cigarettes. I gotta stop now. Also right now I want to remember when I first cried in front of you in the first apartment. I want to remeber crying and screaming and how you hugged me and comforted me. I'm not screaming or crying but that's how I feel. It's a very emotional experience to not smoke. Well I want that relief I got from crying that day today. I want to feel better. I want my body to be more peaceful and relaxed and alive. I'm tired of feeling sick and tired. Or old. I want to smile everyday and laugh. I want not to worry about burning something down. Sorry for all my writing.
Your the most sensitive boy friend I've ever had. Like no one has ever cared about what I go through like you do or cried with me over the things I've been through. That's why I like writing to you so I can remember the day I actually had a gentleman that cared the way you do. Because you express your emotions so well and are not like the rest of the male population that doesn't know how to even say the word hi. Like I don't know why but that's what I miss about you the most. I miss your male counterpart and sensitivity like a woman. Like you're not uncaring or rough like most guys. I'm having such a hard time today. Like my mind won't stop vibrating just a little and I keep thinking about way to make me feel high. Like drinking lots of coffee or eating lots of yogurt. But I'm not gonna do it. I need freedom from all the demons that won't let me do what I want to do or be happy. I need strength. I'm gonna take an anxiety pill the doctor gave me in case my cravings get worse.
I was yelled at today and seriously made me so unhappy. Times like those make me want to smoke. It's sorta a little part of me saying that it's almost over and I want have to endure so much pain any longer. But even though I was upset I didn't go get a cigarette. I'm being a tough girl. I think my skin will probably be brighter and softer after a while. I want to crawl into a cave and start a fire. I'm sick of living amongst people. It would be nice to get away from everyone that kinda annoys me. And to be away from cigarettes and places where people committed sucide. I need more oxygen. I want my lungs to heal already. I want to smell pine cones and big fur trees. I want to smell oxygen and big masses of water. I want to send out all the pain in my body to the earth so it doesn't touch me. I want to snuggle under the blankets while it's raining outside and it nuzzles me to sleep. I want the sharp cold weather to be here already. I want my mouth to be free of terrible tabacco smells. I want to know that I made the right decisions and that I didn't do anything wrong. I want to know that there isn't anything after me anymore. Like those cigarettes. I wish I could go back in time when I had adrenaline rush everyday. I miss that feeling of my blood pumping really fast. I want to be glued to a movie like I would be when I was little. Where I could watch something over and over again. I want that kind of interest in soemthing. I want to be free from wanting any cigarettes. I'm sad and my heart pours in like water over papaer and the words become so jumbled that they can not be read anymore. And that's it's. The water falls all over the papaer and nothing makes sense. Nothing makes sense. You dressing in woman's clothing and saying you always felt this inclination. The world has come upside down. My neighbor killing himself. I finally not being sick with boils all over. Hopefully life brings out more growth and prosperous times for me. Hopefully you find yourself and remeber all the weed you smoked etc. maybe all those drugs made you forget that you disnt want to be a woman. And that you were kinda stuck up man. Like I'm so hot. I'm so hot. Like maybe you need to be on some other high. Maybe you need to break all the voodoo dolls those woman have if you. Maybe I'm backward and slow and not so bright. But I'm not wasting my time doing magic and voodoo dolls. And trying to make you feel like crap. Like watch your back dude. I remeber your friends. The ones I met. I hated those fucking drug addicts. You are a wise bird my love. Maybe you think the hormones help your bipolar or depression. But maybe you never even tried psychiatrist bc some pills work my free bird. Some of those pills work. I don't know who is doing witch craft on you to be dressing in woman's clothing and maybe even being gay. Like to me it sounds like a horror story. Maybe you get offended by my words but it like a horror story to me. I don't understand why such a bright and handsome man would do this. I don't even understand why you never went back to college. Like you can stay at a job for years and slave away but you won't finish college. Stop playing around Kelly. Stop. Ok. Maybe I'm coming on too strong but I know that we always were close to each other. It was almost scary. Please don't let the popularity bug get you. Don't you want a family with children. Why are you doing so many weird things? I miss you giant.
I don't know what you've been through. But it feels like someone put an evil spell on you. Like one night I had a dream about marilyn Manson telling me to rescue you bc you were gonna start cross dressing. So I didn't believe it and looked at one of your dating profiles and over night the whole page was changed. I didn't go look for you bc I'm scared of you a little. Like I don't want to go look for you bc it's not soemthing I should do. But I swear whatever happens to you I know about it in dreams. I think it's soemthing I inherited from my german grandmother. She was like me too. I don't know what you've been through but I wish I was there to knock sense into you. Like I used to do. I don't know why but we don't play cool with each other. It's always real and down to the bare stuff when we talk. Like we never play cool. And I don't know how you are doing but it scares me. Just the way I'm fighting off all the fucking witch craft off my body. I fought all the boils off and illness. Now I'm gonna fight the cigarettes and fat off. And the education thing off. I'm also staying away from social media and bragging about my progress I. Life. I don't want any more witch craft hurting me or someone just wishing bad things to happen to me. I hoping you stop doing weird things and start loving yourself just the way you are. Like really learn to love yourself. It's hard but I know you can do it.
Please don't get offended but I swear I've been through some pretty weird stuff and I swear that I felt psychically attacked. Like I felt attacked. I've seen things I would never believe. Even to the point where I question if the death of my friend is part of that psychic attack. Like I don't know know. But maybe what your doing is part of it. Like witchcraft is so strong or the human mind and it's way of sending out a mood that evolves and snowballs into soemthing much bigger. Like I don't know dude. I don't even know why I care to speak to you but it wasn't easy for me to get over you. Like I cried a lot before and emerged and found myself. Then I was attacked again. Like somehow I always get people envious and jealous of me. It soemthing that happens. It's my bad luck. Like I must sound like a total asshole for everything I said in the past two paragraphs. But I Tyler believe there could be demons possessing you to do everything you're doing. It's possible. Or maybe they're gone and already did the damage. I don't know what to believe. I should be happy with whatever you do. It's not really my business. So I'm sorry. I'm also sorry for all these letters but part of me thinks they were long over due. That maybe they are a wake up call. Like maybe my purpose in life is to annoy you and to be that annoying alarm clock. Warn you of the possible mistakes you could be making. Like honk honk. My alarm better sound like a big truck with a baratone tone. And with a big mug of joe. Like 2 1/2 years ago I got a flower with a note on it. It looked like your writing. I thought you left it on my door step. I'm not even sure. But it had the intiala KB maybe it was one of my evil friendamies. I don't know. Keep smiling with you cute little lips. And keep dreaming. And keep writing. I hate my letters. Blah blah blah. They are so boring.
I don't know what so special about today but I'm being spiritually attacked. I went to see a friend. Everyone says she's out to get me and an evil witch. I don't believe them. But I'm having trouble to drown out the negative things that are attacking me. I'm just laying here calm but it really is annoying me. I know you won't understand but many people have recently died around me. And I can hear them. Like they communicate with me and it makes me dizzy. Like I'm sick and tired of having this lobe in my mind open. Like I really think some of the medicine melody forced on me reworked my mind where I have more abilities. It's really annoying. And I especially feel an attack by the black girl I hate with all my heart and her dead brother. Like I want her voice to end and for her to leave me alone. She is a witch I know bc I grew up with her and she does practice magic. Like I need silence. I'm tired of listening to them. Maybe this is schizophrenia but I don't think so. Like I learn new information and it's so very real the things they tell me. I want my mind not to be able to see both worlds. Like the spirit and the flesh. I especially want all things to leave me. I'm tired of thinking that your soul resides next to me and that some demon is in auto command with you body. In Jesus name I pray that I get liberated.
It occurred to me that it would be horrid if you never check d your messages and one day you just get all of them at once.
My paper work has been submitted to the state of California so I can take my nail board exam. When I pass that I'll be licensed to do manicures pedicures and sculpted nails. I can't believe I'm almost done with class. It amazing to think that I finally picked a remedial entry position to make mediocre money. I never thought I would ever enter any kind of program. I'm super bored at school bc I'm pretty much done with everything except for pedicures. Just waiting for customers to arrive.
I'm sorry but I'm certain something is wrong with me bc I write to you. I guess everyone deals with things differently and I reek havoc always with you and I like sending unending messages. It's horrible. Like really horrible. Today I got three refills of my iced coffee and I feel great. Normally I have one drink. I think I'm gonna keep drinking copious amounts of coffee. When I drink just a little bit it kinda makes me feel sick. I don't know how to tell you but as much and many days that pass I still hope you will write me. I am certain there are so many more important people in your life and I'm probably like the last person you wish to hear from, but I still can't help but write. And to be honest you kinda drive me mad when you don't call me or write to me. Like it's really sad that you don't care enough to keep tabs on each other. On another note. I can't wait to become more fake and more proactive. Like I want to be one those people that is always smiling and being fake all the time. I want the day to come where I don't care about you anymore. Not that I don't care but I'm sick of begging you to talk to me. Sometimes I think you can be a little immature and childish. And yours just brings out the annoying person out in me. So much that I have even tried contacting your friends to see if you're alive. But thankfully no one read the messages. Like I want to stop being so annoying.
I'm laughing about the DACA thing with trump. Like if I was an illegal immigrant like hell would I give out my personal information to the government unless it was all legal to get a green card. They're like 800,000 people that are gonna be integrated back to Mexico. I can't believe they just gave there information away. They should have just worked under the table like most illegal immigrants.
Also the hurricains are crazy. I'm still waiting for crazy rain in California. The earthquake in Mexico was even worse. And all the white supremist having public announcement of their party on the news is racking. It's weird and comforting to write to you. Maybe someone will laugh when they read all my messages but it feels cozy to write to you. Like normally I don't like talking nonsense to anyone but there is like endorphins released when I write to you.
I can't wait to see you again. I want to see a new picture of you. I pray you open your profile up and stop acting like a weirdo. Maybe one of these letters will wake you up and open a hole in your big black
Cold heart and you will write nice things back to me. I'm in a laundromat and I keep remembering how I took you to a laundromat. It's weird.
I hope you do well in life and I hope all evil shit leaves your life. I hope you find peace and happiness.
Roses are red.
Violeta are blue
And I'm pretty lame for writing you.
You could be be married with children. You could also be single. You could be in a relashionship. Maybe you even stopped wearing woman's clothing. I'm clueless. I'm very clueless. I just hope your happy. I hope your single. I hope your growing. I hope you decide to talk to one day. I hope your not being queer anymore and going back to wearing cute formal pink shirts and Hawaiian shirts. And being all needy and happy and cute. I hope your being positive and trying to be great in life. Like I want to hear and find out that you end up so great and so high that I'll have to stand back and leave you alone. So I feel embarrassed by how unaccomplished I am. Every year that passes I hope and pray that you accepted the offer from a college. Instead you went on a sex scapades and are distorting who you are. I pray you become spiritual and remember the normal me. If you spoke to me maybe I wouldn't be sending unending messages. If a girl broke your heart forget her. Your worth more than any price some person puts on you.
You have to watch THE ORVILLE it's better than star treck.
I know your alive you little monster. I was so important to you that you gave me your weird screen name. I noticed you were on a poker game a few months ago. I'm glad you haven't committed sucide. But frankly I'm disappointed in you like you need to break up with everyoneand finish college so you can get that 6 figure income. Like I must be a big nuisance but really it just needs to happen. Like you were destined for great things. When I read about you writing you have ashburgers syndrome I don't believe it. Like your a very functional genius. You have like the biggest IQ I've ever been aquainted with besides my father. Like you need to put that IQ to work Mr. Geniusus and stop following the rest of them geniuses. Like most of them don't do anything with their lives. Wake up and smell the fucking coffee. Kelly. Stop doing lsd and smoking pot. Like you're destroying vital memories and losing yourself.
I think being transgender is a fad or some diabolical exposition that is passing through. Like every guy is doing it now and the headlines on the news mention the subject everyday. I don't know what woman did as a whole but I think that they broke a lot of men's hearts. I also think that freedom woman are given in society now is causing men to become feminine. Like more and more woman are not taking womanly roles. They leave their children with their men and make them cook and clean. Honestly I don't know why there is a surge of me. Taking hormone treatments and reporting to have a sexual disphoria. I was really shocked when I saw you in the magazine. When I saw your pictures. Like honestly I thought maybe just maybe it was your way of breaking up with a girl so that they wouldn't be interested in you again. The world is filled with so many surprises. It just makes me sad and I also feel confused. Like I don't know why you haven't even tried to have a little family or soemthing before venturing into the world of strange men. Most men wait until their 50's to do all the things that would give them more room for fun. Like honestly if you felt like a woman all your life I must say I don't really know you. You must have a very hidden deep part of your being. Or else I could think that someone did a spell to change you. Or maybe you think by doing this you will gain soemthing or avoid something. I don't really know which. Maybe you are sick of the female counterparts and their lack of. Like I don't know. I'm not a psychologist but I'm sure most psychologist would probably just say it's normal. I don't know. I just wish that maybe I could have been a better friend when I was your friend. Whatever your missing I hope you find it soon. I hope you find yourself and don't feel alienated by your friends and family. I don't even know but maybe your acting out now bc you never did as a teenager. I slap myself in the face for being so interested in you. But I miss standing next to your tall visage and having conversations with you. I will say this. You're one of the most handsome men and I'm sure you will be missed in the male swarm.
To be honest at one point I thought I was gonna be murdered by the psychotropic drugs and my infections as well. I really lost it for a year and in that time you were with me in spirit and promised me I wouldn't die. You helped me get the fuck out of all the mess I was in. I don't think I would have gotten out of it without you. My sister kept putting 5150's on me and calling cops. And lying about me saying I was talking to myself. Part of me thinks that maybe just maybe I was so close to death that you came to save me and in doing that you lost part of yourself and that's why you became transgender. I know you won't believe me but when I have real problems you always help me out of them. I don't know how I was attacked but it felt like someone did spells for everything to go wrong in my life. During that time I would hear you and you would help me out of bed and help me talk to the psychologist so I could get the hell out of dodge. I don't even know how that's possible. It doesn't make any sense but if god is real maybe he did that. Or maybe my own psyci did that to survive. I don't know. You told me you were gonna give me half my soul so I wouldn't die. Like that medicine made me lose all my vitamins and my head felt like it was cracking and I was very delusional. I'm just glad I survived. However it happened. I thank you for being with me.
On your dating profile you talked about having all these issues. Like I really wonder if what happened to me effected you too. Bc for a long time I had a really low IQ and I was oblivious to so many things. I couldn't even function basic things. You were the only voice guiding me out and it felt like you were physically there with me in spirit. Like sometimes I wondered if you had died or soemthing. It was the weirdest thing that has ever happened to me. But really that lapse in my mind is gone. I was able to advocate for myself and get melody's words out of the psychologist. Like part of me thinks she even drugged me before taking me to the psychologist. Alex broke up with her and that's when she started abusing the hell out of me. Even to the point of holding me down with my mom and sitting on my head. I was so sedated that everything would go in slow motion and I even got in a car crash bc it was so bad. That's when I got everyone thinking that the pills were lethal. If it wasn't for that car accident I would still be a zombie. Like you would help me with everything and help me through bc I was a zombie or like a vegetable. So like maybe you were with me and you lost part of your own psychi to help me.
Melody put the cops on me so many times and put me in so much dept. I lost so much money bc of all the hospitalizations. Like honestly I think she was envious and jealous of me. She wanted to make my life miserable. I was so close to being off a 5150. Like literally a week. Then later my mom told me that my half brother kept telling them to put me in the hospital bc he was afraid I was gonna get a gun and come after if since the 5150 was off. Also melody went around and told all my close friends that I was acting crazy and violent and taking meds. Like I lost one of my oldest friends bc she really insulted me and didn't believe what my side of the story was. Even summer talked bad to be and a cousin. Melody kept telling my whole family that I was beating her. Like I don't even know how I still talk to her. I will never trust her and I don't go out with her. Like I'm scared of what she is capable of. I'm not scared to go in the hospital. I know how to deal with the psychologist and what to tell them. When my 5150 is up. I'm gonna have a big celebration and maybe go celebrate my renting a gun and going to a shooting range. I'm not for gun ownership but really I feel like my life was really cut in half bc of all the abuse I received. But I'm getting stronger and I'm learning how to take care of myself. I'm learning who to trust and who not to.
It's been about two years since they stopped giving me those pills. Like melody lied to them and told them I was on an anti psychotic and a very high dosage of it. She told the psychologist that and he believed him. It was a very scary time for me. I'm not embarrassed to divulge all this information on here bc frankly no one will know whom I am. But basically I'm being forced to see a therapist and psychologist. A lot of money is going into this. And honestly it feels like a waste of time. Bc I'm not sucidal nor wanting to hurt anyone. Melody told them I was sucidal even. It was horrible. I finally got the doctor to change my meds again bc she didn't like how fat I was. She was scared I was gonna get diabetes. And I changed psychologist and got them to give me a very low dose of medicine. So like really I don't feel the slightest of anything in my system. I'm just glad I can think now and do things. And I'm glad all the infections in my body are gone. It was a total nightmare. It felt like some evil entity was running rampart in my parents house. It's over now. And I have to tackle the obesity now. Those pills made me so fucking fat. I hate how fat I am. I can't wait to be able to fit pleasingly into a bikini.
Well I think this may be the culmination of my writings to you. I must not feed into this habit bc it's very unbecoming. And however it is. The truth is that you have been absent and I must take leave as well.
I forgot to mention. One of the pills I swear made my skin crawl. It felt like I had parasitic infection. My skin would hurt so much and I would see things crawl in my skin. That's the one that would make my skull hurt like it felt like I kept cracking it. I slowly got them to get me off of the medicine that made my skull and bones hurt. Even my finger hurt like as though it ate away at all my bones and cartilage. It was as if I was on crysta meth. Then I got them to get me off the medicine that felt like I had parasites in my skin. I just told them I needed some medicine that wasn't strong bc I was trying to conceive. And they bought it. Also bc of the car accident I got my mom to tell them to change it. Like I would be escorted tot he hospital always. And then melody would administer the pills wherever I was she would come. It was a living nightmare.
I can't sleep I'm being clouded with so many messages for so many people. Even your sending me messages. It's hard bc I can't hear my own voice and since you've been speaking to me I feel like my mind is empty in the front. Like it's hard to speak since you're speaking. You keep saying your gonna marry me. It's disturbing. I even heard from melody. So I sent her a message in my head to do a snap chat and she did. Like it happened. I'm not crazy. My mom was in the conversation and you were too. We were talking together. I don't like how I feel empty. It's like you guys stimutaneously have more brain power than I do. I also heard from summer. She said why she isn't speaking to me. She also said she's making 13 bucks an hour bc you told me to ask her. We kept praying you and I to break spells. Like separations spells etc. I need you to make sure I can use your mind to think. Maybe bc your speaking to me I can't use your mind. Like really what if I am a vegetable and without your mind I wouldn't be able to speak. Like I wish I knew more about meditating. I can't shut everyone from speaking to me. Everyone says the future is gonna change big. What if these are just our subconscious wishes or mine. Still I know it's real. My mom reads my mind always and buys me what I want without me voicing it. I want to sleep. When I do hear my self it's like it echoes from youand my voice sounds different. Maybe it's bc you help me speak. Remeber when I was a mute and you helped me talk again. Your dad said you were a savage. A lazy bum. He said your all talk but no doing. I can't wait to find out the truth. I want my mind back to function. It's sickening to hear everyone. Respect me always please. I know I'm a handful.
I'm still numb in the face and my upper body. I had a nightmare. It was really creepy and scary. I dreamed that I lived in Mexico next to a bunch of taco shops and a place where many things were sold like all the way up the Hill to my house. So you said you were gonna come and visit me, then you walked up the hill with your gf. You guys stayed at my house and I was happy to see you both and you r gf started acting belligerent with my dad. Then I noticed the house was dilapidated and the cigarettes were scarce and your gf started smoking cigarettes she found in my house. I got really mad. Next thing I know my dad leaves upstairs and I walk to the entrance of the house and I see you guys having sex on top of the toilet seat. I ran out of the house bc I was so mad that you dedicated my house that way. I ran into some Mexicans and told them about it. The woman offered me some cigarettes. So I looked at the front of my house and a dirty mechanic had two ugly white vans parked on my lawn. I got super mad bc I was asking my mom what are you doing letting that mechanic leave his cars on our pretty lawn. So I got into my car a drive away disgusted with everything at home and decided never to come back home again. Then I started driving and my breaks went bad. I drove into these massive pipes and they exploded. I drove through so much fire and I could feel it burn my skin. I was waiting to be turned into dust but it didn't happen. I just kept driving even though I was dead. When I woke I opened my eyes and I saw black smoke and skull and bones. Like arms crossing to make an x below the skull. My skin is still burning hot. It felt like I went through hell. I was really scared of you and your gf. You looked like disrespectful hobos and I was super mad that you had sex in my house. I haven't had such a scary dream in a long time.
It was a skull and cross bones that I saw. The Spanish put it above cemeteries. The most important part of the dream was the fire and coming out of it and seeing the forest. Then waking up numb in my body and seeing the skull and cross bones. It was like warning me of something or still with me the fire. I'm tired of death following me in my dreams. I kept dreaming that the guy was explored and death was with him he eventually killed himself. I don't want this dream to mean I'm gonna die. Fuck that. Fuck this whole dream. It's so fucked up.it was so gross seeing and hearing you have sex in my house. And that dirty mechanic. Like all of it was super gross. I don't like what the skull and cross bones signify. I wonder what the dream means but it's scary. I'm part Spanish and I have been hearing dead people in my waking life that have recently past. Like maybe I visited a cemetery in the dream. I don't know. I don't want to die in fire. It felt so real.
I found out what the dream Meant. Today while I was at lunch there were two white vans outside the lunch place like in the dream. Then I met two men one of them looked liked the mechanic in the dream. And the mechanic guy offered me some crystal meth. Before that we were just talking. So I ran away in my new car and left. What if I did drugs. Omg. That's so creepy. The fire signifies the fire they do for drugs and the skull and cross bones means death from doing crystal meth. The devil is always after me. If I was an idiot I would have made them my friends to lose weight. Like I don't know why I was warned about that meth head.
Someone told me once fire means money. Like wherever you see fire there will be lots of money; like unimaginable amounts of money.
In the dream I felt like I was being cremated and afterwards I saw death in front of me when I woke up. In the dream I survived the accident and saw a beautiful forest but I ended up with no car. The fire burned the car but I survived.
The last person i saw was my mom and the mechanic. Like what if this is a warning my mom is gonna die. Then I'm gonna inherit money. Like this is horrible. I don't want to hear that. I hope it just means I avoided death by avoiding taking drugs from the drug addict. And that maybe my new nail job is gonna make me lots of money. And maybe money will come from other places. Either way the money isn't at home it's on my own two fucking feet in my own car. I burned myself and survived. Like I can't wait to see what it means to survive death. Also maybe the fire was cleansing me. I don't know.
My friend said that where there is fire there is is buried treasure. It was near by my house. But then also I was in Mexico not America. I know some of my cousins are filthy rich but honestly I don't know what it means. It's scary. Maybe it means how I'm still going strong despite all the rumors and friendships lost. And all the drama. Like I'm going to school and I'm not working some dead end job. It has to be the death of my old self and the reemergence of the new me. But I've also heard that death means marriage. And marriage means death in dreams. I don't know of anyone whom would ask me to marry them. So I don't know.
My breaks are fine but I'm supposed to go in to change the break pads. I don't hear them as old but it's suggested in the Manuel. Also my car is all electrical. And I've heard that battery fires are very ugly. Maybe my dreams is just feeding into all my fears of the breaks not working and ending up burning into flames. Then it doesn't make sense bc I hit a gas line pipes. It wasn't the car. Like I hit pipes.
La muerte esta en todos lados. Nos puedemos murir en qual quier dia. Gracias a dios no mi a moriro y voy a vivir Feliz.
Death is everywhere. We can die any day now. Thank god I haven't died and I'm gonna live happy. I've seen really drastic changes and very ugly things these past few years. Some of them could be considered normal but others I attest are far from it. I'm not gonna be a bum. I'm not gonna be a drug addict. I'm not gonna commit sucide. I'm not gonna be that crazy woman one the street corner talking to myself. You have to have a reality check and try comparing yourself. I want you to put a meter on your watch of coolness. Happiness. Normalcy. Be mean to yourself and vain. Don't be a grudge or a grinch or a hermit. And always believe supernatural stuff is real. You've dated many nasty witches. Watch your fucking back.
I'm laughing. It's so fucking funny. The freeway has a sign that says K and M cleaned up the freeway. And there is even a K and M liquor store. I know it doesn't mean anything at all, but nonetheless I find it hysterical. There is even a street named kellburn. I always say it's your street. I don't remember how exactly it's spelled but it's a real street name. I also find a lot of businesses called KB. Like I found a KB tires. I don't remember then all. It's a little maddening when I want to forget you. Like why can't your name be Jose. Or George. Or some other stupid name.
I'm gonna add something else. In the book I mention above about jack London. I'm not making fun of your wirting skills. I'm not comparing you to that man. In fact I will say that more than anything in the fool that is like that man. If there is anything that I'd want to say. I'd say you need to keep writing and writing. Write more and more. That's all. I'm a fool. Don't mind any of the nonsense that comes out of my mouth. I'm frankly so embarrassed of how crass this whole letter is. It's an abomination and pretending; not just for you but for me. I can't just let things be. The book is is about unrequited love. And I'm not here to say I want you back. I'm here only to state that I miss you and our friendship we had. I feel like a loner bc I lost you and summer. I have friends but both of you mean the world to me. And it sucks. I love how how stupid I am. If it wasn't for how stupid I was I probably wouldn't be able to smile.
Embarrassing *
I never told you why I lost summer as a friend. She left me bc I broke up with you and then later got a new boyfriend. She said I was a fake person and she didn't want to talk to me. She was really nasty to me on Facebook and even would make fun of my sculpted nails. She said they looked like a Thailand hooker nails. She hated me that I went to Europe. She said that if I loved you. I would have gone back home and never left. I don't even believe all the things she said to me, but basically a lot of people think I'm fake bc I didn't wait for you. I hate them all. They don't understand what I thought and how I felt. In my heart I knew you would get married and that I needed to forget you. It hurts a lot to lose my friends bc of all that rubbish. Everything that is happening is bc of the witch. There are things way to great that you will never see. I pray to Jesus that I may be saved from any more harm. You broke my heart when you left with other woman or women. I'm the innocent one in all of this rubbish.
Basically they threatened me. They all three said my closest friends that if I didn't leave my boyfriend then that they would not be part of my life. They said I was the most fake person they new. I never understood why they were this way with me. Like they took everything on a personal level like they were the one that would end up with me. They kept saying it over and over again how fake I was. They would get really nasty with me and call me a hooker. Like they were such assholes. One of them even gave me an ultimatum she said to go move in with her or she was gonna stop being my friend. Like no one liked him with me. They all wanted to see me with you.
I'll be honest. I'm really scared about the future. I'm scared of becoming at shit crazy. I'm scared how weak I am. Part of me thinks I got really sick bc of all the friends I lost. I want all black magic to end in my life. I'm scared about politics and the way our country is heading. I'm scared about how I put Donald trump on a plate of money like the frog Asian god. And I did it as a joke but he ended up being president. I'm scared of gods wrath and I'm scared of my enemies. I'm scared bc I've seen scary things. I'm scared without my friends. Those 3 friends would give me a place to live any day back then. Maybe it's a spell bc I don't think I ever changed it became fake. It's like a black cloud went through my life. I'm tired about hearing about all the stuff you say about being Jewish. I don't like hearing about those things. They disturb me really badly. When you start thinking about them things happen to me that are not good. I'm scared about being so spiritual and knowing how to communicate with people by esp. I hate how my gifts are. I hate prophesying. It's scary. I hate how my life ended. It scares me who is a witch and who isn't. It scares me to know who would hurt me or not. I'm so scared that I'm going to school and I'm going to work. And I'm going to save money. Maybe I will even leave America and get an Italian citizenship. I'm scared in America. I scared of how dark your mind is and how connected we are. How it effects me. I'm tired of being able to communicate to dead spirits. I hate it. I'm wearing a heart rock with me to guard myself and those whom I care for. I break all the spells that haunt me by publish it on here and protesting my love of Jesus. Jesus saves. I want truffles on the table everyday and every night. I don't ever want to be poor or alone or scared. I don't ever want to be without my sanity. Help me and pray with me so that all the horrid things leave and stay away forever. I want all the snakes to be gone from my side. I know a witch that uses snakes to attack me and I want them all gone. I don't want them near me or warning me of anything. I want to feel gods warmth always. I want you to be happy. Don't ever come looking for me, I won't ever bother you. I only have written letters and have inquired about how you are. I never write. I got scared when you posted the devil and a woman dancing. And all those writings about a people coming to a community and learning how to be part of it. I thought you lost your mind and then killed yourself. Everyone keeps dying around me .
I had a dream. God showed me an owl in the dream and I got scared. I heard him first and then I saw him. I thought he was calling me the owl woman in the Bible. He said no. He said he brought back the owl I saw dead that was killed. He said he knows how much I love birds and that it was a present for me. He said that he was brining back the owl in the spirit realm to protect me from snakes. He's a cute little fat white owl. I'm so happy about my dream. I'm tired of having nightmare of snakes attacking me or lurking around me.
I haven't cried in a very long time. I'm living a very monotone life with no highs or no lows, but today I cried a lot. I was getting ice cream and smoking a cigarette outside. And then this new truck shows up and someone was giving me the finger. It was a white hand and he was muscular. It was my ex and his gf was driving the truck. He wasted his finger by flipping me off. I have a picture of. Myself on my vanity from the era that I was dating him. It makes me cry. Like my heart hurts a lot. I don't miss him. I miss my innocence, I miss how happy I was, I miss how not one he'll flame could burn my little snow flakes. He's rich with his gf and there richness or his flipping me off or how rock steady doesn't phase me. I always wonder how he could have left me for that ugly Santeria lady that worships demons and Devils and even draws them. I don't miss him. And thats a lie. I miss my innocence. It made me cry bc he took so much happiness from my little life. After all these fucking years you would think the mother fucker would leave me the fuck alone and the mother fucker gave me the finger with his stupid ugly short white fingers. I hate that fucking ugly black nasty devil worshiper. They're crystal fuckinf meth addicts. And they even love marijuana for fuck sake. Like why the fuck did he have ruin my fuckinf night with the finger. I hate remembering who I was and how sweet and virtuous I was. I feel like a fucking ugly depressed hag. I don't even care about adorning myself. I don't even care about food or restaurants or ice cream. I'm a tired old tortured soul. I hate how the fuck they have two children. I hate how I know it too. Before the children where born I had a dream that that fucker told me he was gonna have a dream. Then later I found out it's true. I remember how you helped me forget how that fucker broke my nose and my pretty cheeks. And how he would slap my ass and make me feel like shit. And how he would make me skip out of class. How he never helped me to go take the SAts or apply to a college. All he would do is fucking talk about getting me pregnant. I'm really sad. It hurts. It fucking hurts remembering how pretty I was and all the joy he took from my heart. It took so many years to recover. I'm sure he flipped me off bc his gf was there. That bitch since she has shown up in my life I get attacked my snakes in my dreams and I'm the waking life. She's a real black Afro American practicing witch. I want her and all her demons away from my life. She cost me my beauty and happiness.
I'm sick of drama. I'm sick of it. I'm gonna start reading the Bible and replacing it with all the smoking of cigarettes I do. I read Isiah today. It talked about the new Jerusalem and how God will end all disputes in earth and how there won't be any more talk of war. It's hard from me to read the Bible bc I primarily believe it's a book for men, but I'm doing it.
You never hit and that why I cannot ever forget the friendship we had. Ok. You never hit me. I'm scared to even write you. I don't even know how you are but I'm trying to expose my qualms so I can find refuge.
I had another dream. God was asking me if I worship the snakes. I said no not at all. Then he said you don't think I have a cellphone. He said delete the medusa picture. That's why you keep getting attacked by snakes. Like 6 1/2 years ago or so I photo edited a picture of me and then wrote below that I was medusa. I didn't even know I still had the picture. Please pray for me so I stop getting attacked by the snakes. Maybe that's why I've been so sick for so long. It was a joke I made, but god didn't like it at all. It wasn't a joke for him. When I woke up I almost didn't believe him that I still had that picture bc I thought I had deleted it. It was there. Then I deleted it. Pray for all the snakes to leave us and anyone that is near me. It could also be why I've been pissing people off. The snakes represent deception and corruption and death.
I kept waking up like a zombie for years. Like as if I had lots of poison in my body. I didn't know what it was. It was the snakes biting me and taking all my energy. Like i would sleep a lot and I still wouldn't have any energy. Pray that they don't follow me anymore. I don't worship snakes. I don't want them near me anymore. I hate them. So many bad things happened to me bc of the snakes I edited on my head.
Pray for my schizophrenia to leave me. I don't know if I'm using you through my third eye to think and maybe I feel like your lsd flash backs. I'm sick of hearing voices. It God taking to me. It started when I got baptized by my paternal father. Like pray for it to end off my head. Also, Kelly I don't like your name Cassandra bc it has to do with evil. Snakes! Eekk!!! Like there are so many pretty names you can choose from. I'm struggling to sleep every night bc I find myself talking to God day and night. And fear hits my bones everyday and every night. Pray for us to not hurt each other. If your dead RIP. If your not delete my messages. I'm under a lot of stress bc if school. It's daunting and pulling at all corners of my body. I thought I was pregnant and that's why I ran to go to school. I don't want to be raising a kid without having decent money on the table. Pray for my face and my brain and my gut. All the witchcraft has to end. I even got rid of things I thought had to do with spiritisim.
My sanity was questioned bc I started burning things that I thought were unholy. I pulled another burning, like we did years ago. I'm frankly tired of having to defend my sanity bc I keep my conversation with god to myself. Like when is the persecution gonna end. Like am I supposed to renounce my dad's faith and just be agnostic. I'm tired of religions. It's too much to bare. I'm tired of trembling that I will be sent to a nut house. I'm tired of meeting really crazy people and seeing them walk free while I'm being persecuted day and night it won't end. I need refuge from those demeaning eyes. Like it needs to end so bad.
You not I are no longer drug users. The lsd thing was part of a drama on paper. I just wanted to spook you. It's part of my addition to your writing skills so you can meander in squibbled ink and not care how careless one is. Don't repress your emotions on paper or ideas. Express yourself.
I want my record back. I'm not a Jew to straighten the record. I have apathy and I wanted to get you out of your twisted mind you aryan. and you don't understand what that record means to me. You stole a record by not talking to me in private. Never. Never. Private. It always has to be in writing.
I'm scared shirtless bc my ex friend worships papa legba. I'm haunted. She made me utter his name. Like it needs leave me. I even have a deeper fear of black People than when you knew me. Leave Melissa. Leave you Satan worshipper. I don't want you near me.
I want Jesus protection and I want my faith restored in peace, love and prosperity.
Your the only blonde I know that lost his blonde hairs when he grew up. I wonder what you did for that to happen. Stop your writing please. It's disturbing K. It's not ok to be writing about horrid things and be calling horrid things to everything around you. Find peace and rest and love. Leave those demons behind. Stop damning people to hell. I'm trying to warn you like I always do and how plus why you love me. Ok.
No one likes hearing my jabber. So I'm jabbering on here bc it's safe. I'm tired of having to sensor my words, my movements, my smile, my pace. It's not fun. I can't even say one thing without being hushed. I miss talking to you unendingly and staying up for several nights. I miss how we never would bite each other. Not that I like staying up late. Maybe you think I should speak to someone else, nay; I speak out pace, and attack!!!!
I hate my Facebook. I know why you told me to close it down. Like seriously there were way too many squabbles open to the public. That's how insane those pills made me feel. Like I did something and told them I was gonna get pregnant. Thank god it's over. I write to you but it's always been this way. I shouldn't write to the whole fucking Facebook league of people. I'm embarrassed but and end is and end.
What if my friend fucking killed himself bc he didn't know what was going on and he saw my really ugly Facebook. With so many horrendous cries for help. Like really blasphemy and all kind of atrocious things on it. Maybe I was the only thing holding him together and when he saw me lose it he said "screw it". And shot himself.
I'm sick of nipping woman's feet that don't need nipping. They ask for me to keep digging and digging and I explain to them if I go further your feet are gonna bleed out. It's like they have some kind of disorder where they need there feet cut as if they were coming to repent for sins and I their punisher. It's super gross and nerve racking. But I get a tip so I nod and parade around there need to be so gross to themselves. When I looking for skin and pretending I'm cutting I want to scream ahhhhhhhhhh!!! Ahhhhhh!!!! Scary what if I contract HIV. Pray that they treat me well and that I don't get any illnesses. They're not all future diabetic gangrene want to be.
I'm having visions. I can ask god for images and he makes them appear. Maybe someone poisoned me at Starbucks or something bc I keep seeing unicorns bc I ask god for them. Like whatever scares me I turn it into something cute. I didn't sleep all night and didn't eat today. Wasn't hungry. I didn't start having trips until 5 hours after my tea at Starbucks. Either a god is letting me have fun bc he knows I'm jealous of all the lsd you did. 2 I was poisoned. 3 I'm low on potassium. I'm having so much fun just staring at things and see them flutter around. I keep seeing Lisa Frank unicorns and big horses. Like if something scares me I just turn it into something cute. I would go do toxicology. It I'm scared. It started after I wrote to you about lsd.
I made this really crazy curry last night and I don't know what the hell happened. But seriously it had sooo much curry. I made it from scratch. I even put cayenne pepper. Maybe a combination of curry and not sleeping. Reading the Bible and not eating gave me all these hallucinations. Finally. I'm a tea fucking schizophrenic. This is fun. I'm tired of being told I'm crazy and nothing fun ever happens. My life is so monotone and in reality everyone treats me like I'm a crazy drug addict. I'm don't have dilated eyes so I know I'm ok. It has to be the combo of the things I mentioned. I'm not even sweating like crazy.
Maybe I'm having a flash back from the time they drugged me at the nut house. I really think that could be it. It was around this time they held me against my will like an animal. Maybe it's just a fucking spell we need to break so I don't get attacked in October anymore. I'm tired of it. I had you and my dad who went to Harvard. I don't deserve this crap. I come from beautiful people.
I meant my dad not you. Meaning your a nice person. And my dad was so close to me then I don't deserve this crap.
Ever since my tamagotchi pet was gone nothing has ever been the same. I don't know who stole my tamagotchi pet or where it ended up being? I'm not a cheater I'm your friend and tired of how you put ultimatums in my life. I don't know what's going on with my personal life. I want you to go back to your true friends and stop acting coocoo. Your under so many influences and the Holy Ghost can't even be with you. I had a vision you were screaming saying your trapped under glass. And you were hitting the glass. And behind it and in front of it I saw your favorite animal or the animal you kept exemplifying. That's where all the hallucination started. You are not in my life but somehow you are in my very personal life. 1 kiss. 2 kiss. 3 kiss. Duh. It ended. Kisses are true love? New love. New sex. New everything. Out with the old in with the new. I'm an old handbag but you don't know how many important tools are inside. You are my devil. You were a sexy handsome man and Lucifer took you to a coffee house that takes all your sexual tension away. But do you have all the tools you need again. I don't see any highlighters or pens or new moon for you. You keep sabotaging your own future. You don't think with your head the same way I don't get to think with mine. I miss the crazy Frigger that told me to put little notes all over the house with positive sayings. Instead you kept drawing up big fortresses of evil pictures descriptions of how vast your mind left you. How far you don't get to swim or how far you don't know limitations on paper. The lions represent the Christians that were martyred in the old days and how one of them got saved by god. The lions didn't kill him. Many died but the Bible talks about one that survived. You walked through lions and you didn't die. Your not the Holy Ghost. Something bad happened you ended up in Lucifer den making out with whoever the hell you wanted and hat wasn't enough. You ended up even being a fashionista. You know how fed up I got and I swear the bad things did rise for both of us. I'm struggling to be normal person with normal interest. I'm struggling to maintain a healthy lifestyle. Your not god. You can't blame me for anything that is going on in the world or anything I say that bothers you. I warned you to delete my writings bc they are pervasive and they can cut so far down that I don't know what your plan to do to me. God being vast is god telling you. Write. Just write more with love and stop depicting such horror scenes. Did you know what I loved the fashion in that era of the lions and even the hair pieces. We're both in trouble bc of the news. They're making us crazy. You used to not watch TV at one point like me. Remember, remember we can't take too much jargon or it dismantles our complete makeup orientation.
I don't think my loved ones know how to reach out to me and I don't speak up bc I'm very soft spoken in real life.
I just want to Commune with the old Kelly on this profile page and I want to be able to forget all my problems and fears. I want to remember all my screaming and laughing and jokes. I want all this nonsense over. I don't have a person like my mom or dad and it scares me. I still have been able to replace their personalities. I need them so much. Today I found a picture of my dad and my Sister. I looked like the spitting image of my dad. Only I'm all tan bc I don't have a high end Harvard office job. I'm worried about my broken nose bc I look Asian and there is so much racism. And my lazy eye. And my broken cheek and lips. It makes my face look Samoan. At least I have my dads dashing good looks in a picture. Even my fancy nose he has perfectly there.
Her spell worked dumb fool look at yourself in the mirror. You are so skinny in that picture. Leave the drug addict alone and the people who say bad words to you. One bottle of beer on the wall two bottle of beers on the wall take one down pass it around what happened to my pants in the underground. . Like I'm sorry worshipping cows heads or ram heads or whatever isn't my game. But I had gothic friends. That's a spell. They bury it with bugs etc so the person goes insane. Ok Kelly. Softly spoken when I met you you were so Naive.
Today like not that long ago I got a message from a girl that I knew. She told me everything about the hex she did and how she did it. She said she put salt on my head to switch my luck around so my blessings would leave me. And I don't know much else but that did happen. I slept at her house and I woke up with salt on my head. She said she was in a wheel chair or was gonna end up in one. That a car ran her over that God paid her back for hurting me. She said she doesn't know how to reverse the spells she did on me. But she said that she also asked for the rock protection to leave me. And after I started getting a big red rash on my wrist. It burns like fucking hell. And around the time I went insane I had this wrist rash as well. Pray for her to get lost and for the connection to end. It feels like she is taking my brain out. And I remembered today that she had a sand with rocks and rake. Sometimes when I was out of my mind it felt like sand was in my head. Like tell that nasty witch to leave me. Please. I'm scared of what she is trying to do. She also said she emptied out my heart and put bad spirits next to me. And estranged me from my family members on the divine side. She also said she wants to be as pretty as me. Pray for me so the spells end and she stops hurting me or us. She did all of this before I saw you when you came back from China. Ok.
I'm breaking up with my boyfriend when school finishes. I told him today bc he won't stop accusing me of being crazy. I was shitting and he got me out of the restroom and started bikering with me. Then he started turning it around on me and saying it was my fault that I'm gonna be violent. And then he says that he afraid I'll end up in a nut house agian. He keeps fucking with me. Melody got jealous of me and him. She told him about the nut house and called the cops on me. I have no honey moon anymore. No peace. No fucking real romance. No love. I've been fighting with him for so long. And he's fucking racist too. I'm sick of his shit. He likes talking bad about my dad too. And says Harvard is nothing. He likes calling me Latino and making racist remarks. I'm going insane. I'm sick of this shit. He makes my heart hurt when he starts talking on a montone level and saying the rudest off hand comments. Like if someone else saw him they would say he was right bc of how calm and collective he is. He drives me crazy. I told him off Today. He displaces my heart always. And never calls me by my proper name I'm sick of feeling like some side things. I'm sick of all the fuckinf illnesses. Like I bet he's the reason why I got sick too bc he's so fucking old. He doesn't let me meditate. I had my eyes closed and he woke me up. Like leave me the fuck alone. I'm so angry.
He starts acting like a bellhop or like one of those assholes on the titanic. Like all quite like with folded hands and starts talking real slowly and telling me that something's wrong. Like there is a rythem to this song already. I hear the tempo the pause the clause and the climax. I want this sonata off my ass already. The vibrations in the air change. I'm sick of envy and jealousy. I'm sick of people hurting me. Like dude why are you with me if you think I need to be in a nut house every fucking weekend. Like when is this gonna end. My wrist hurts. It's like he zaps my energy out. Also I swear my mom is a witch. She does wat to many things with plants. I'm scared of her. This morning and sometimes when I lay. I just start hearing her yell at me. It won't end. Her jealousy and envy. And hate. Like let me be. Really I'm sad bc I was really happy girl in one regard but now it's so far from home. It's so far from home. It's been like 3 fuckinf years with psychologist and non stop of people talking shit about me in my family. I'm a tired person. Sometimes I wish that fucker my closest friend that killed himself would have shot me along him. So I could stop being abused by so many people. Like right now I wish that. I hate my boyfriend. He's making me cry and wishing death. I don't want to die. I just want my strength back. Since they put handcuff on me three years ago I don't have strength in my wrist anymore. It's like my nerves are shot to hell
Tiffany uses demons to do magic. She had like thousands of them. They send messages and do things etc. I want Tiffany to leave me alone and to stop doing spells on me and making vernon call me crazy. Every time she sends a message to my head which isn't often vernon starts acting with that symphony and that tone. Likes it's fuckinf creepy. I sometimes think he get possessed easily. I don't. I'm like a channel I can hear everything if they try to attack me I shake them off. You helped me with that when we were together and happy.
He killed me with lots of food. Before I moved in. I kept dreaming that he was gonna murder me. And it happened. My figure is gone. He like stuffs all kinds of expensive food down my throat. And he didn't stand up for me when melody called the cops on me after I paid for Ihop dinner for her. And had them chase me down the street and then told the doctor I was off my meds. When I hadn't been on meds like never. She fucking ruined everything bc she was jealous of hot fat my wallet was and how big my smile was. She hates how me. Don't love her and how they use her. They don't buy her anything. She hates how I always have food and shelter. How my friends give me food and present. And my boyfriend spoiled me. Like I hate how she ruined everything. After being so in love with you and having my hearts shatter you would think she would fucking feel sorry but she doesn't. He wants me sleeping all the time. He says something is wrong but he sleeps like at 3 am or worse and then wounders why I don't sleep. Like really I've been sleeping next to him for many years and he doesn't know how hard it is to sleep without him. I hate his fucking guts. I don't even have an engagement ring. And even if he was gonna get one he didn't bc melody put us in debt. Like 1000's of dollars he had to pay. And medcince and doctor. I could be spending all this fucking money on fertility treatments and a kid. Instead I'm like having a divorce every fucking day bc of that fucking nasty bitch. I hate her fucking guts. I hate them all
Melody wants to call me Snow White from once upon a time. Or whatever her character is. The one that is married to rumple and she likes using that knife one me the truth knife. I hate her. I feel is sharp pierce. She hurts me all the time. She's a back stabbed. She cuts my heart out always and I fight to put you in my heart and chest so I don't lose my mind. In my head and on my jewlery. I like wearing you so I don't get lost.
I have nervous break downs all the time bc of everything. I'm sick of cooking and cleaning for him. I hate cooking for him. Like honestly I do t even like eating. He always makes me eat to much fucking food. And no heathy food either. I don't get fresh salsas and lettuce. And fruits. It's always starchy he at meaty food. I'm a woman. I can't take all this shit. I can't take it. I don't sing. I don't sing. I don't sing in the shower in the morning. I'm not a canary anymore. I'm always shaking with fear. I wish I could just fucking go tot he pool and lay down. He won't let mE. I'm tired everyday and I just think about being silent. Bc anything I say could be granted as psycho or crazy. I want to cry in your arms. And cry and cry. And cry till my heart stops hurting. Today when I made love with him. I started screaming your name out. I've never done that. Like it hurt. My whole body hurts. You don't get it. After 18 I became really solid and so avoiding of my feelings. But you break down all my walls. All of them.
today after going the movie IT. Like I saw this guy. He was so hot he looked like you he even had your sexy stuck up attitude. I couldn't stop smirking it made my night. He had a black fancy corduroy black suit. I was like. Omgolly there is Kelly. By the way I hate IT. It's super scary and cheap.
He put me on my last nerve and I swear I cursed him. I said if you don't stop I bet you will lose your job. And he did. He's gonna get a new job now bc he is in hot high demand but really. I'm sick of his shit. I'm so tired. I try and love him all the time but he won't let me. I try to be clean and good and sweet but he won't let me. He leaves me alone in a cage and I'm stuck. I say things and I think god hears me so hard that things happen. Melody pissed me off so much one weekend that she came back with her face all beat in. She went to the Grand Canyon and fell off the canyon. Like I don't know how my anger works but when I'm angry and channel it whatever I say happens. Remeber I said a long time ago that everything I want I get. I really do. It's scary bc I'm not nice or friendly I'm stuck up and I'm very vain.
Also he don't want me skinny. He wants me a fat fuck. I'm fucking sick of his shit. Like he doesn't want me skinny and pretty and healthy. He always says he wants me barefoot and fat by the kitchen. I feel like that fat scotchman in Austin powers. Put it in my belly with the fried chicken.
https://youtu.be/DuoTdnq_OqE
I'm breaking the crystal castle spell. When you were gone the first time I wanted so much vengeance. This was my trance to forget and lose weight. I would rollerblade super fast everyday for three hours by the marina and I wouldn't stop going. I'm gonna do it again. That blog I wrote was very therapeutic. My friend crystal Marcial was with me always. She jealous of me. Ow and left me. She jealous of you and my boyfriend. You met her. I'm gonna use this album again and use t to fuel all the weight loss and pain. I'm gonna be a brick wall again and be strong as fuck. Like so tal and so strong only now I'm gonna be fake as a stepped wife. Like smiling all fake and shit with proper words. And al tall and strong with mortar. My friend and are not talking. She's scared of melody. She stayed away and I blocked her. Nikky. She talks to me too. Everyone sends me messages in the head. I'm tired of it. I'm gonna use crystal castle again. Eat a jalapeño every morning with your breakfast raw to break the rash spell they have on my skin.
You need to get Nikky out of my head and my mom. They try to help but when they come in my head they dominate me. And I can't think about anything but about how loud they are. I should have written that apart from crystal castle. I want to hear it everyday and bleed on my rollerblades and let them paint and pave the road.
What happens to the day they make me so fucking stupid I can't even write or make sense to wipe my ass or walk. Or remeber to be on schedule. I want a gun before that time. It it isn't gonna happen. I'd rather be dead than have Alzheimer's. I'm scared. I'm really scared. I could write to you and feel your orescnce and just jump off a bridge. Every time I think I'm gonna die I run into your soul and I pray I end up next to you.
I remembering right now my dad. I can hear him. Leave me alone. Leave me alone. That's all he says. That's a spell. Nikky the nigger did that. She's a witch. I hate her. I want her out. She ruined my relationship with my dad. And he's deaf now. He's the only wallet and arms that are ever open to me and I haven't used them in years. It hurts but I'm scared of those crazy woman at home. Even he is. He pretends to be my enemy bc he's probably scared they put him in a nut house too. I want my daddy back. I want my daddy back. I want his big long burley arms back. I miss his Whitt white man arms. I miss his beautiful Swedish Italian kisses. I miss holding him and seeing my grandmother in him. I miss sitting on the floor and playing with him. I miss how clean he used to smell. I miss him. I can't go back never. My mom is a bitch. She'll say come back sweetie. But then she will call the cops on me every weekend. My dad sometimes gives me money behind there backs but it almost never. And I never ask him for some even though he could just transfer it into my account. I miss my daddy. I miss my daddy.
I want you to buy me a Louie Vuitton and a plane ticket to the Bahamas. Choose me and say cuz I love you. I'm damaged goods. But if you take care of me maybe I will recuperate all my heath "backkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk" you need shorts and a tommy Bahamas shirt and we can roll in all cool. Tommy tommy tommy Bahamas's tommy tommy tommy Bahamas's. This is how desperate I am to leave with you. I want you to get off the plane and say I do.
I had a dream a few days ago that God told me there would be an earthquake. He said I would survive. But that there would be lots of water on the floor and not to get scared.
I got prepared and bought food and stuff. Like everything. I'm scared but part of me hopes the fucking house falls on me so I can't stop seeing a freaking psychologist and given immature heart attacks everyday.
I'm the Monroe complex in your story. I hope whomever reads is entertained.
Ok. So I read that Jesus was resserected after 3 days. He stays on earth for 42 days. . Supposedly 13 more years for his 2,000 anniversary.1 day is 1,000 years for god. It also says Satan was hurtled to earth. So that means earth is kinda hell. The mysteries. He is on earth for 42 years. I've never done this. Think about this stuff. In my head.
All the men in the earth are like demons. They're scary as hell. They betray you and themselves. The blonde lady keeps fucking flirting with my boyfriend and then gives me a dirty look. I'm tired of cheap ass crappy job lady White trash. Today I wore a cheap diamond ring I have on my left hand to fucking piss that fucking whore off. I want her nasty ass off of vernon. He's high class and not some cheap piece of shit. Like if he leaves me he's gonna leave me for high class not some bartender at some cheap bar. Fucking nasty bitch. She got super jealous of my ring. She kept looking at it. I'm glad I pissed her fucking cheap ass. Today she called my dog Toffee really loud next to me after saying it once already. Like she was calling me a dog. Maybe she's just that cheap ass drug addict type.
I'm jealous of her body bc she is skinny. Buts she butt ugly?
I'm tired of how my boyfriend doesn't socialize with me on anything online. I'm like this bat shit crazy lady over here all alone just dreaming. Of the day I get to be held by you and you will let me sob like the good old days. Where we just ignore our schizophrenic mines together.
I mean Victor.
I''m burning my skin and getting intoxicated by vitamin d and oddly enough my head doesn't hurt. Maybe bc I'm just reminiscing about you
I'm getting back my sanity by writing here. This isn't for anyone to read. It a way to move on. I never got to do this or ever got to expel my anger on paper. I'm indecent and dirty here, but some way somehow I'm gonna get my dignity back. I'm gonna soar high, and reach the tops of some other realm where the colors are crisper and brighter. I'm gonna forget what has happened; we'll, laugh and stare. The merriment of my days will arrive. My remembrance of our time is helping me drop off my fat. I'm a vegetarian and soaring high above to win back my woman hood. I'm sick of being so clumsy and dirty. I want to look as crisp as a freshly picked apple.
I'm digging deep into the vipers nest and saying stay hold with my flute. Then bang with my golden pan I hit it down to its death; I reach deep inside and repair all appendages lost. I grab my spirit and fix it to my soul. I stare into the depths of my sorrows and avail triumphantly. The sea hook is dug and I'm being rescued from drowning and served on the brightest platter. I'm free.
Gosh darn golly. Your not forgetting are you. I'm not free. I'm caged and entwined in a rose bush, but at least it smells lovely here.
Stop calling me dirty. Please. Stop calling me ugly please. Stop calling me stupid please. Stop making me feel so insecure please. Stop being so tall that I cannot speak. I hated all the times I started to stutter. Did you notice? Did you ever notice how nervous you tend to make me feel. It's so strong that I have vengeance not for your eyes to behold a display. Vengeance to make myself happy and pretty plus free.
Let break the United States of tara spell. It's a sitcom. My best friend one of them went crazy after we watched the whole show and walked herself into a nut house and started acting vicious with me. And then my own family kept throwing me into nut houses. I want all my blessing back and I want that curse off of us. I'm sick of seeing dumb people. It's about a woman with multiple personalities. There are demons coming out of this show. My friend had a 360 to her personality. She would pay for my food and let me sleep at her apartment and then she walked into a nut house. And won't talk to me. She even smokes weed along side the pills. I don't know what disorder she has. I don't want her comparing me to the crazy lady in the show.
It's like I got a brain transplant after that show and so did my friend. We were never the same after watching it. She didn't notice it. I did. I was screaming while watching and staying silent. I want my brain back from that horror night. I want it back in one piece.
My friend did soemthing to my boyfriend. She said he was descendant of worms. And that he was nothing special and would return to worm always. I got sick after that. Like I'm always being attacked by parasites. I don't know if it's witch craft or pills. I'm not a scientist. I can't test the pills. I hate that woman. I want the worm spell off of us. It's like we lost our friendship after that. He acts possessed sometimes. I always have fear of worm crawling all over my body.
I think she calls all my ex boyfriends worms. She likes trading brains for worms and making people do crazy things.
Even melody started calling everyone worms. She wouldn't stop saying this person has worms this other person has worms. And so did these other three friends I have.
I want the exsocist movie to end in my life. I want the mental abuse from my mother forcing me to watch that movie and locking me in the garage to end. I want that demon off me. I don't want to hear the electro shock treetment machine she went through. Get that demon off me.
Abilify sodomizes people. Read about it. It makes you pass out. It's horrible. Pray for me so they never put me on those fucking evil pills. I don't ever want to get sodomized again. I want that demon away from me.
People are only gonna want to keep getting sodomized; they won't know the difference afterwards unless they real pay attention to their bodies. That's the worst part of my life. That's when I told them I was gonna get pregnant so they could kick those pills away from me. I hate them they're so gross. My body became so loose. I don't even know how I regained my muscle strength. Kelly play for me. I don't want to pass out again and forget what's going on bc of spins odifida aka Sodomy.
I don't have any energy in my arms since I got sodomized by this epills. Even my mind is weak. Like I don't feel the same. All my chakras are uneven and my aura is super black.
In the Catholic Church children of a secound marriage are like illegitimate children. Meaning I could just be a sin thrown aghast across hells gates without anyone caring. That's why they abuse me and melody so much. They're both waiting to go back with their first husband and wife I bet. I want the gate closed. Like I don't like that fucking book my dad gave me asking me to go to Harvard with it. I want to forget that fucking evil book and I want the gates closed. Like close them. Write an excerpt. I should have never introduced you to my family or that stupid fucking book
My hell is ending up having to go to that church with the Bible you gave me. Like really like have to go there and meet to fucking crazy satanist worshippers. Like I bet they are. You never know. I see them on the street and they scare me. They're all creepy. We just had the Bible and never walked in. I went to one church near my place once. It was super creepy.
It's the calvalry chapel. Like what if our soul is trapped there with you me and melody plus alex. Like I poured all my tears into that book and slept with it too many nights. Like what if our souls are trapped in the calvalry chapel. Alex wanted to go but he didn't have the guts to go with me. He promised me he would take me churches different ones till we found one. Melody alex and me just went to the Catholic one. Really I think my soul is trapped at the Calvary chapel. When I see stickers on cars I run and get scared. I'm even scared be birds follow them usually.
You told me that I wanted to be the sugar plum fairy every year. And it's true. Every year I wanted to be her. I would even call myself her. It's such a beautiful ballet.
They have a creepy baptismal fountain in Huntington Beach. It's super creepy church. One day I saw a man burning alive outside the Calvary chapel. We were not made to end up at some cheap chapel. Like if our souls are there we're being so weak and alone. Like that's why we're so fucked up in the head for relax though. I'm scared bc we were both meant for higher greater things instead we got fucked up so hard. I got expelled. And you didn't get into your favorite college
I swear everything is opposite. Like if it says one thing it means the other thing. Is that true or false. I don't know. I don't know. It's all jargon I tell you it's all jargon. It's that feeling that tell you to go back to the high school joint. And when you show up all you find is three black crows and you run screaming to pass the white line. When you er there you realize that no one is there and that it's boring as hell. Like how do I get out. Why did you sell my soul to that church. We were not even baptized there. At first I think I liked the idea of being apsent to spook people out after my parting. But really that's creepy church. What you want me to always have light like you mean if I end up in hell you want there to be welfare just in case I don't work. What do you mean by the brightest light to see so far like I don't get it. Close the Catholic gates of hell bc a loser got married at the Catholic Church and embarrassed my whole family. After my hs period. Like that man brings so much pain to my life I just recently got acquainted with a friend from that time. He was like part of my rat pack and would walk m through hell and back. Buy me CD and even lived by my house. I want to know what this whole thing is about. Why bc I want my soul back. Did you lose it in China?
That's why I broke up with you. A demon came out of that book and I left running screaming and crazy. It came out of the book.
P shit keeps getting between me and my dad. I can't get the information I need from him. He made us all sound like broken records and broke all the nice parts of my cozy home. Like it went through some hell when he showed up. Like it got frozen over. Take the Spanish wrestler out of my life and pass my pills around so we fuck with him. He's not Mexican or Italian. He a Nazi. I hate nazi spaniards.
I am your damsel and you are my king. Put p shit where he stops touching our records bc it's soemthing I did to keep our information crypted so we can speak always and know what going on. I'm not poor in that respect. I'm super rich. I'll even cremate anyone you want and stuff them in a leaflet in hell.
Buy me a new orange flower and take care of it. Bc the psycho catholic who not actually catholic made me cut up our annaversary flower. She made me cut it up into many tiny pieces. I used to watch over our love with it. I fought the Calvary chapel with it.
He's a Spanish Nazi. Ok. He will kill me. He cut my breaks a few years ago. He's our age. Remeber when we relived the 1920 when we imagined we were rich and fancy. We were just racist assholes living of our parents but I know someone much worse. That's why I'm a gimp. I want that bastard to rot in hell and his fucking monkey children. They look like demons all of them. They're hedous. God warns me of each demons birth. I want them all eunicized in hell so we can pay them back.
Break the connection with the old lady. I'm being used. I want my freedom.
Summer can close the gates of hell with a smile. We just drove by our favorite spot and be happy go lucky and the whole world follows to boot. I can't get her back unless your by my side. All my friends left me bc your not here to be with me. I didn't know that wrestler was a Nazi till today. I don't even know how you rescued me back then. I don't even know how I'm alive I'm scared I'm scared. I don't want him touching me agian. He walks anywhere like Casanova. He's that hot. People kept calling him my husband. We never got married. Ewww like my little town will hand me over to him and he will want to skin me And my friends that had crushes on me. He skinned my cats alive. My mom was under his trance it's so freaking creepy.
That's the spell we have to break. The Nazi opens my mind always. He called me a Jew once. I want him dead. My ancestry is blonde and blue eyes. He doesn't love me. He lied. He lied. He lied. He lied. He stole my heart and I cursed him through hell and back. I almost died but I bought poetry and cursed the living hell out of him. He still doesn't know where it's gonna hit him. I bought him a sodomist for when he tries to touch me agin that man is gonna love him a long time in hell.
He's a ww2 phanatic. He makes miniature planes and stuff. He stays at home with his Mohawk all scared as shot but he's the one that gonna fuck john the beeverhead Mr itchy I was scratchy. I want him fucking made into my slave in hell. So we can use his pretty little faggot face. He tried raping me in the ass so many times. He loves me he loves me not. He has the daisy spell I did as a kid. I kept pulling petal out way too much. Melody doesn't tkmow he is a Nazi. She is still naive and so is alex. They're out babaies.
There is a Nazi in psychward. He's still alive. Thank the blessed virgin that I didn't have to be with him this past year when the monkey lady prays to her gods to put evil spells on my family so Mr scratchy don't come and rescue me all lovey dovie. Bc she wants to be a princess. He needs to be trapped in hell too. He's short and has a hump. And blue eyes. And creepy as fuck!!!!
I was raped as a little girl and I can't speak up for myself. Hahahahaha that's what the movie IT taught me to laugh and kill kill killl
I'm silent bc his voice echoes out and tells everyone I'm evil wrong and out to get them. He's hypnotic and hypnotized everyone I'm fucked.!!!
He has all the football player at his disposal. How cute. He's gonna murder me in hell. Bc I fucked his life up when I was little and faced the cops. I became a mute after that.
I'm gonna look for my super friend. And run away with him. He doesn't leave me. He says he's gonna stay with me forever. I can't wait tilll I die to hug him. He was my best friend. And the hottest blonde dude ever. He probably thought I committed sucide. That's what e says to me.
That's a sin. I don't want to die. I'm being so in romantic in a tone so creepy. I hate this whole clause. It's nosianting. I want to see him again in the flesh like I did. He won't leave me. He looks like a soildger now. He kills the snakes for me.
Break the crazy angela spell. I want it all over. I want to avenge my sanity. I want my toes back and my hands and my smile. And my dad stop being a mental nut case. I want the spell off of me. I want it off tonight. I want the axe to stop hurting me and whatever else that is coming.
If alex is dead he is still at hit house. I always thought we would meet up there but I can't remeber where it is. I think that place is fucking demonic meaning void of love. There's nothing there. I loved him like a brother. Break the observation spell that angela wrote. That anglela wrote. Break the IT fucking curses too. This story was flawed bc it didn't have them adult in the film. Meaning time for demons to roam the earth. We need to tame them with Jesus.
Break the Ivana spell she is an Indian that likes drowning me and melody. And praying for bad things to happen to us all. She holds my mouth and won't let me breath. Or think. She's like a psychologist on paper now
Take the starving spell off of me. Ivana puts many spells on me and melody bc she doesn't get hot men. She envious. Like I want her off my holy body. She used to cover my back but. It anymore. At all. She's a back stabber to everyone. There so soemthing creepy over her mouth and I feel it too. She won't stop having abortions. I'm grossed out. I can't think about it anymore. It gives me the chills. I'm scared bc that's a sin. Why bc they could be growing up and breaking spells with us. She into black magic. And necromancy. I don't know who the fuck she sold her soul too but it ain't daryle bc he left her. Maybe she gets raped by her dad. I can smell shit from her house even though it's super nice and clean. I want that demon in her family laid to rest. Ita grosss. I can't breath. You have the mom spell I break it. It's a stiff spell so you don't move or talk to me and Ivana and save her vagina from all the gross Indian men she dates.
Get the ivmas spellls off of me and beaver head. She keeps fucking with my future. She won't stop praying for worse to happen to me so she looks like an angel in her mom's eyes. Ivanita was my best friend. Break the I don't love you anymore friendship breakup spell. It comes from p shit to melody and melody seals it with a kisss. Me and ivanita are grossed out by it. We don't know what it is about. We want her to come to the lord and she never does. She leaves us alone so our packed ended to kill p shit if he comes back. Break the grim reaper spell and witch burning spell from Adela ballester. She wants to kill me and Robert at school. She hates Germans. She hates us.
Break the Sharon spell. Ahhhhhhhh she went to a Santeria shop to have a daughter. Like I don't know why but she is mad jealous of me and my boyfriend and melody and especially you. Break the demon from her where she's not all happy to be around gringos.
I saw the spell that's hurting me. A woman has a black candle in her garage with my intials and a metal piece. She causes a lot of pain in me just bc her man wanted me. I'm never been into him. Never. Never. She won't stop lighting candles with out intialis. And I swear she wants me locked up in a nut house with everyone else. So she can get over her hatred of her own skin. She hates all the Mexicans. She want to be a gringa. I'm sick of being hated over men wanting to marry me. I want my liberty from her candles and wishing death on everyone. I don't want to see her not praying for me or being happy for me. She keeps lighting that candle in that house in Huntington Beach. She wants a boggger house. She is never satisfied. It drives me crazy me my mom said she had a dream we would be in. Ahouse like hat one with the willlow tree. Only with a man sick in the house. Like with a babay in a blue car. I'm only getting sick. I'm like dying alwyas. I can't have children. My rapist is gonna find me and hurt me one day for real. Not just a broken jaw. Or heart.
It has a k and m with chock. Like I don't know what it means but I want it over. I come from educated people and I'm sick of having to old fashioned like my blonde grandmother and start screaming about witchcraft starting again.
I'm going insane. I don't like anything that's going on. My boyfriend makes my anxiety way fucking worse. He doesn't alivieate anything. I have to get up with my own hands and feet and do my own things. Sharada is in a weird religion and I'm sick of spying on your friends and family. I'm always praying for them all to help you. I can't take it anymore. I can't take this anymore. I can't take it anymore.
Come and rescue me. Come and rescue me. I want a hug. I want a hug. Christian the Christian is gone he committed sucide. He's dead. I don't know if he's evil maybe he's dead to spy on me. He won't leave me. He won't leave me. I want to be free. Free. My mom is gonna die and she won't stop hating me we need to freee her spirit the spirits from the new job are looking for vernon. I keep seeing spirits In the apartment.
Your ex the one you left with after me. Would help me with strength when you left but frankly I'm scared of her hoodoovoodoo. I'm scared I don't know how much evil she is capable of. I miss her strength I feel like she doesn't send us any love anymore. At all. All I see is her evil machinations. Before I had blessing for her like prayers or some bullshit I didn't know.
She attacked me in my house many times when I was getting sick. She acted sweet and then attacked me. She came with a knife and wings. And she would play with too many animals and talk about Noah's ark with me and laugh. I'm scared.
She did soemthing evil against me and you and I felt it. Like at one point she would tell me to put a cork screw in my own head. I could hear her voice. I don't like seeing at all. I start screaming inside and clammy. I get scared of her. She did the fucking calf and cow crazy separation spell. And is around you always trying to tear you the fuck down. I'm tired of how you get maneuvered by her beuty Kelly. She can bite your dick off.
Jesus please stop the fight between them. Don't let there energy enter my body.
My boyfriend is a dick to me and I'm not a slut job. He don't know much about me and how I think or what I think. Break the spell of my mom making my hands hurt and trying to prove I'm not ok. Break it fast douch I'm not your girl anyway by the way but I'm feeble and that's why I left in an ambush so I could go back to punk rock.
I know how insane I am now. I kept hearing that you were gonna come today. That's how I know I'm crazy. You didn't show up. As I heard it I was like yeah right, he doesn't even know what school I am at. I hate how schizophrenia hit me this way with your voice. Like I don't know why it didn't hit in another way. It came with your voice. I don't know what I'm gonna do to end it. I hate how much I miss you and how you don't care about me. It doesn't hurt. It just feels intensely horrible. I'm schizophrenic and it doesn't end. I feel like crazy bc I'm not with you, so much, that I even have you with me in my imaginary world. I don't even love anyone next to me. I keep loving that voice of yours that I hear. Sometimes I think your dead and that you speak to me from the spirit world. I know you must be alive bc you blocked your main page from my google account. I don't know what I did for you to be so strongly angry at me. I know you wanted to tell my boyfriend about you. I don't know what that means. I told him about my ex's a long time ago. I don't even know why you did the birds the word entry. I hate you for not running to me. Oh how I wish it were true that you would be coming to my school to see me.
I have to tell my psychologist about you. I have to tell her how we broke up and how I turned your voice to be next to me. She has to know that I'm that insane. No one told her I hear voices. She has to know. I don't know what else I can do to end it. I can't live without you. I feel comforted when you speak to me and I don't have you here. It's lonely without you. Before this I would ask myself what you would do when I had a problem. I think this is how I made up your voice to be so close to me.
I started writing to you so that I could get over it and hopefully eventually find out how crazy I am . I wanted your voice to end. There been so many times I wanted to write I would stop myself. But I'm writing so I can shut down that part of my brain where I think you care about me. I was also hoping that maybe you would respond and somehow it would end the voice I hear from you. Unless that part of you that isn't transgender ran with me to take care of me. And you living off your feminine side. That could be possible. I found out you were dating a man bc marilyn Manson told me in a dream. And when I almost died that's when I started hearing your voice next to me. I hate that your gay. I hate that your transgender. I hate that I'm schozphrenic. I know they're all spells. Bc you dated witches. I hate that you ever spoke to any girl about me. You made me a victim of witchcraft. Like I didn't want any hate directed to me.
It's weird bc when I ask you questions you respond quickly. When I write to you you respond as well. When I have trouble you guide me. When I'm near to getting put in a psych ward you tell me what to say. It's like your my guardian angel and I'm completely mad. I don't know why but in another way I'm glad I hear you and not some demon or soemthing else. I think it's how I started making myself feel better. Also when I started getting spiritually attacked and you changed as well. That's when the voice started. I swear someone did witchcraft to you to hurt you and me.
I hate that you started talking to me when I started my relashionship. I think that is another reason why your voice came and how you told me to break up with him. That's why I hate it. You didn't let me leave. And I know you try to forget me too. You travel to let go of me but I know I must be with you. Maybe one day you will know that you love me. And now you don't speak to me bc your even trying to be gay since not one woman help you let go of me. Remember something. I told you a long time ago that we would never love agian. I told you. Remember. Stop being embarrassed of what you did. I know everything you write about. I don't know if you stopped being transgender or gay since you shut down everything.
Things I cannot forget that touch my heart. That first day I saw you and fell in love. The hat you wore. The day you came to me and fixed my computer and I saw love in your eyes and I didn't know what it was. Even at six flags I thought you were just my friend. Even at the party you had to introduce yourself to me. I thought you were my friend when you said you wanted to date me. That day at the south coast plaza and you had the biggest boner when we got off the ferries wheel. All the years that passed before we even started to touch each other. All the little things you did to put that little spark back in my eyes. All your endearing words you said to make me smile and forget my qualms. All the little presents you gave me. All the stares you gave me and and the way you would look at me. The way you would never check out woman in front of me the way you made me feel so pretty. The way you would push back all my insecurities. The way you helped me learn to read again. The way you would read the Bible with me even though you were not Christian. The way you made my heart warm up with joy. The way you would feed me and kiss my hands and feet. To this day no one else has kissed my hands or my feet. The way we would dance together and laugh. The way you would let me sit on your lap while you read the newspaper. And the night the shooting stars came out all night and morning long and how we kissed the whole night. And how you respected my wishes not to sleep with me. And how you educated me on topics I had never known in my life. And especially all the music you gave me to warm my heart it helped me loose weight. I would listen to the music when I lost all the weight.
I'm laughing bc I remember you said I wouldn't forget you either. And I didn't believe you and it happened. I'm embarrassed to say this but I have to say it. I kept hearing you were gonna come with a Tiffany's ring. That's how insane I am. I miss the day you twirled me around at Disneyland. I miss all the break ups we would have and how we would get back together. I miss how you would visit me even after we broke up. I miss the day 4th of July and how we would play hide and go seek. Also at your work. I miss kissing you and seeing little birds and stars. I miss your presence. And I miss the hope of the future. I hate how you didn't go to cal state Long Beach when they accepted you. Part of me wishes you would come back and go to college. And forget everything else about yourself and fight to me normal. Bc I know part of you doesn't want to do all those things you've been doing.
I'm breaking the transgender spell and gay spell on here. I'm Jesus name. It's over. It's my prayer for you. I don't want you to get HIV. Gay men cheat the most Kelly. I breaking the spell that says you don't want a family. In Jesus name. I breaking the spell where you don't want to go to college in Jesus name.
I'm breaking the schizophrenia spell on here in Jesus name. Maybe you think your gay bc your not with me you loser. Don't you know how much you love me and lust after me. If you don't have love you can't lust if your a decent person. Don't replace me with a nasty man. I don't care how beautiful he is inside or out. Your supposed to be with a woman.
There is a building structure. The desert and the oasis. And now my foool your stuck in the ocean and we're swimming almost drowning. The lighthouse is on shore and that my place. I'm screaming and shouting and pointing the light. I calling the ships to rescue you. I want out of the mirage we got stuck in while walking the desert of riches. You asked me where I wanted to be. I want perfection sanity and happiness and more than anything I want true love. Get out of the ocean there are boats and life jackets. And food and coffee. Wash your sins in the shower and find me in the light house before I lose myself with my voice echoing. Night and day come and I can't find you. Get out!! I'm screaming. I'm delirious and frightened. I'm sick of the demons that haunt us and try to take our faith away. I pray in Jesus name.
I don't know how it happened but my arm wound is completely healed since I told you about it when it wanted to start up again. It looks worse than breast implant scars. Also I'm losing weight. I've lost 5 lbs already since i started being vegetarian. Even my acne left my face. Pray that I stop getting schizophrenic about war time and wars that have happened. I've had episodes in the beginning that are really frightening. Get all the schizophrenia off off of me. Help me to stop being afraid of white people. I know I'm white too but still white people scare me. I'm tired of fearing things. I only feel comfortable around Hispanics. I don't like that either bc to be honest most Hispanics don't like me. Don't cry bc I know you became gay for some time. I imagine you crying.
Please stay away from satanist and weird witches. Stay away from weird people. I don't want to see your soul lost in between weird people. It effects me whatever you do. Please stay safe and make wholesome friends. I'm sorry everything turned out the way it did. I'm not ok. I'm always on edge. I feel like I'm gonna fall off a cliff everyday and every night. My worry doesn't end. It's a lot of things I don't tell you about and I don't know how to fix it. I just keep wanting to leave far far away to maybe be able to get back my strength. I want my skinny body back so I can go to abusing Beach and so I can be happy. I want to be able to make more money to be happy. I want to get off so many fears. I'm selling my vanity so I can stop remembering my brother. I want to forget him forever. I want to crawl into a tiny little cave where I can feel safe again. I tired of being stressed out. It's horrible. Hopefully maybe if I lose weight you Will think I'm pretty. Meaning maybe it will matter to you. But surely it will happen. I want to be happy. I want to be happy. I want to forget the things that bother me. Pray that whatever spells they did on us stays away and never hurts us again. I don't want anymore trouble. Pray that I make more friends that will help me be a better and happier person.
I know you work at a bakery. I wish I could taste your bread. I wish I could be sitting a cup of coffee and the bread you make. I imagine it's really tasty. It suck how you don't want to be friend and stay close to me. I'm that horrendous I guess. I can really open up to you and no one else. That's why I crave you near me so much. Your like that wall I never had. Or that door that cast away all my fears. I haven't written any poetry nor do I wish to. I miss your pretty blue eyes. I miss staring right into your pretty blue eyes. It's not even just bc they're blue. It's bc how lovingly you would look back at me. It felt like we were glued and sometimes I wouldn't even notice that we were different. It felt like we were so connected. I miss being next to you. Your the one that helps me forget. It's hard for me to forget and let go.
Please pray for me to have strength to clean my apartment. I fear that evil can follow me if it isn't clean. Pray that my mind will not be cluttered so I can organize everything. I'm sick of living in filth. I need lots of prayers. It's so hard since I live in an apartment. I'm not used to apartment living. I have way to many art supply's and sewing supplies and nick nacks and porcelain figurines. I need help doing this work. I'm all alone when it comes to cleaning. Pray for my obesity to leave. I want to be thin and sexy again. Pray for me to smile more. I don't want to get depressed. I get scared of getting depressed. I want to smile. Pray that I find peace bc it always seems like there isn't any peace. Pray that I find true love if it doesn't work out with my boyfriend. If it doesn't work out with you. I want to get married and have a pretty white dress and ring. I want someone who can comb my hair and who likes cleaning. I want him to have money and I want him to be like you so I can have a new wall to lean on. Pray that I find happiness. I'm scared. Pray that he is handsome and loyal. Pray that he will love me a lot. Pray that I find new interest bc I get so bored. Pray that my brain will think better
Pray that I get to have a pretty family. I don't want to end up old and not having grandchildren. I'm so old now. It's scary to think I will end up alone.
Pray that I can afford many irregular choice shoes in the future and pretty dresses to match. Each shoe pair cost like 300 to 400. I want to own them all. Pray that I can be pretty inside and out. Pray that I don't let the bitters enter my soul. Pray that I make better decisions and make people happy.
Pray that I get my period again. I've been so stressed that I don't get a period. Pray that I keep keeping my youth I don't want to age. Pray that I don't piss people off or make them jealous or envious.
Pray that my social anxiety leaves. I'm sick of it. It's not always with me but lately it has. Pray that all drug addicts don't folllow me. And know I'm not kidding about those fancy shoes. I want to own them all. Pray that I get to own a car that is fueled by gas and not electric power. I hate that I don't get to drive far distances. Pray that I do everything right.
Things I want.
1 pupa make up set.
2 more interesting music.
3 a nice job after graduation.
4 many shoes.
5 better at writing.
6 finish college.
7 a flat stomach.
8 better time management.
9 being more creative.
10 more forgiving.
11 more forgetting of my problems.
12 a vacation to the Bahamas.
13 your friendship back. Wish I had your number.
14 a resolution to our friendship breakup.
15 you to know how much you mean to me.
16 for you to know that we can be friends without being together.
17 for you to know that my writing and messages seem to expand on areas that may be a bit fictitious. I just want to open the box for you to think a little more deeply into what you got yourself into.
18 wish to edit you writing and give you my opinions but I won't bc that's too intrusive.
19 kaboodles of make up.
20 for my relashionship with my boyfriend to stop getting so horrid. Like I'm sick of thinking about breaking up with him.
I can't think of anything else but I felt I had to write something today. Honestly I'm super tired and just want to go to sleep.
Oh wait there is more. I want new dickies jeans when I get skinny. They always make me happy bc they remind me of when I was happy and close to summer. We would always match clothing. They're super cute jeans. I also want to stop denoting anxiety or stressors to the orientation of my room ensemble. I want to see positivity in every direction. I want to be strong in mind and body. I want to know why I like writing to you so much; I'm oblivious to this constant. .
I found a kaytedid grasshopper today. Must mean I'm lucky or will be lucky soon. Who knows what it means but it's so pretty.
I had a strange dream last night. I was with my parents but we were all teenagers and my mom picked a guitar. Then my dad started playing it and started walking away from us. I don't know what it meant but he was super happy. It's a scary dream knock on wood it doesn't mean he's gonna die. I was super happy talking with my mom.
I made strawberry scones. They look more like bagels but it's bc I used honey instead of sugar. They taste great. I've been feeling more hungry since I illuminated meat out of my diet. I'm gonna have to try making them with sugar and I bet they will look all crumbly.
I dread tomorrow. It's so boring in class.
Eliminated *
You want to know why I've been writing you. Firstly I don't know how I got the nerve to write. Secondly I've been having trouble with my boyfriend. He looks at other girls and makes me feel uncomfortable. Then he hasn't been on my side about not going to the psychologist. It's like he just listens to my family yet I will say he doesn't force anything down my throat. I thought he was cheating on me but I don't have any evidence. So yeah I may sound sleazy by writing you but trust me I'm not I have every reason to be writing to you. I miss your consolation and it's been tough for me to face all of these things. Also I'm tired of knowing it but I've been with him for 7 years and I don't have an engagement ring. It feels horrible. I've never been with anyone without getting proposed to in a very short time. Like I feel used in a sense. I just hope the future turns out better and I find myself happier.
I can't believe my wound healed after I told you to pray for me for it to get healed. That's why I put my other wishes and request prayers. I figure if it worked for my arm it must work for all the other little things. I miss you stern creepy face and you sweet eyes and how tall you are. I miss feeling like I had a body guard. You always watched over me to make sure I was safe in so many respects. My boyfriend isn't like that. When we lived in MDR we would ride to Santa Monica on bikes and it would get pretty late when we rode through Venice beach and he would leave me behind. Like I hated it so much. Also he doesn't open the car doors for me or closes them. Maybe that's why I never left him bc he's kinda mean to me. Maybe I like mean men. Also my birthday present that passed wasn't given on my birthday. Like really I said I wanted a movie he said no and then bought it anyways behind my back and gave it to me as a birthday present and said he had it hidden and he couldn't find it. That kinda pisses me off. The things I do like is how he never leaves me without Starbucks money for breakfast. That's one big things and how he feeds me all the time. But really I feel so horrid bc he is really a guy he doesn't have a sensitive side. He acts like a player sorta. Like the phase bitches and hoes.
I sometimes wonder if that's why I got sick and lost my mind. All the coffee and Starbucks breakfast. Like really I used to eat lots of fresh salsa and eggs. Maybe I got sick bc I lacked vitamin c and more nutrious food freshly made . Also I never drinked so much coffee compared to last 7 years in my life. I hope you consider being my friend.
I had a weird dream yesterday. I had a dream that my friend left and his mother said he had three children and I wouldn't see him anymore. Then I found a bag with a dildo and nudy magazine. So this morning I don't even know how I found it but I found the friend of that friend. He's the guy who raped me. And I found out he got married to my elementary school friend. They have three children. It's weird. I'm mad to see him again but there's nothing I can do. He was a weirdo punk and I didn't think he was the type to get married.
My good friend's friend had the three kids. In the dream it was my good friend who had the 3 kids.
I don't know why I have dreams about what's going on in other people's lives. It's a little disturbing. I'm kinda sick of knowing the things that happen to my enemies. Like why can't I have dreams of people I like or people that I've liked. Also, why am I so unlucky that we're not friends anymore. It sucks so bad that you won't speak to me anymore. Everyday that passes I'm like is he gonna message me. Is he gonna message me? And you never do message me.
I hope everything goes well for you.
It pisses me off to know that my friendship meant nothing and how that guy could have raped me. But he was high and I'm sure that didn't help. I've noticed people do horrid things when they're high.
It also makes me upset that I can't have kids. Like I should have a kid by now. I'd probably be better off if I had a kid to be around. Instead I grow lonelier and crazier. I'm not crazy. It's just a saying I guess.
I had a dream. We were on the bus with your siblings. I noticed your dad at first but he was tiny. He told me to come over next to him and to stop watching all lonely. So I did. Then he showed me a book with cartoons of my family members.
Also I'm not gonna see you till next month. I plan like the first week or second week of the month. I've been taking time off of school so it's gonna take a little longer to finish. I need more practice on people. I did my friends nails today sculptured nails. It's not an easy task but I did it anyways.
I don't like writing bc as nice as your dantes writing was. You still won't respond. But I'm gonna pay you a visit bc it's what a nice person would do.
Ahhhh! Yippeee there is a crescent moon today. It's my favorite moon especially when a star lines up. Happy birthday. Hahaha your a year older today. I'm praying I don't have anymore visions. I went out with my friend and saw a vision of who did separations spells in my life. I saw her with her whole family. It was super creepy bc they were all young. Pray that it ends so I don't get cursed by them anymore. I also threw away a book that had subliminal messages of many images of snakes embedded. I cut them up. Love you.
Pray that the grey hairs stops coming. I have many grey hairs. They just came up. Pray for my boils to end. Pray for me to be clean in my heart. Someone called my phone and asked for Kelly twice. So weird. Thy said wrong number. They called from San Capistrano.
My head feels empty today. Pray that is full not half empty.
It was my sister and her daughters. They curse me all the time. It was creepy seeing them but I broke a spell today.
Hey guesss what. I'm out of the snake hole. I'm getting my diploma tomorrow. And I found out where the snakes were my ex boyfriend who is an Indian has many snakes and does magic with them
I think. So I took him off my profile and the snakes stopped showing up. He said he was gonna separate us bc he won't let me have true love with you. I don't know why he didn't like you. But he did something. I'm glad I'm gonna. Be free from his evil machinations.
The meth head won't leave me alone. He keeps inviting me to go smoke meth. And he brought many books today and one of them one about vooodoo. It was a really old book. I gave him the jack London book bc I wanted one of his books. It was called leave her to heaven. He's Christian. It's like I'm constantly being tempted. Also there is a gay man I met and he fell in love with me. Like when is this gonna end that I attract such sick minds. Luckily I'm almost done here and I won't have to see them anymore. Pray for me so that nothing happens to me or anyone I love. When. I'm around the gay man it feeela like I'm being sodomized. Maybe he fucks me in his mind in spirit. Pray for me please.
When I got home I started praying the rosary and I found something or toffee did. I found a este lauder cap and it had scratches on it. Before I found it. It felt like my head was hit. When I picked it up noises started to sound like echoes. It was probably a spell someone did to me so I would be crazy and not pretty. That's what god sent in my head. Pray that it doesn't effect me anymore. I'm going to get holy water this weekend and I'm going to put it on the cap and In my apartment. A spell broke today. A big one. Pray for my head so I don't get a concussion and so it doesn't hurt anymore. Please friend.
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